A Thanksgiving Story
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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A Thanksgiving Story
Well, my first Thanksgiving sober was full of drama and I am so thankful I was sober.
My family and I flew to the Philly area to have Thanksgiving at my sister in law's and her family. Everything was fine. I was asked for help in the kitchen from my wife, sister in law and mother in law due to my culinary skills. Anyhow short version, I ended up prepping the entire dinner and was called outside by my drunk I guess brother in law (sister in law's husband) and lambasted to for helping in HIS house. I was called many explicative"s". Meanwhile I was helping on request of his wife and family.
He is richer than I (3 houses private plane etc) but has secluded himself in his castles. This was what I saw in Singapore and what I thought I once aspired too but seeing all this sober (in Singapore and now) highlights how misguided my previous intentions were.
I feel badly for him, as he is clearly suffering, I am not sure if it is from alcohol but it was involved. I am going to confront him today and offer some suggestive help but the relationship is fractured and feel for the cousins as they are close with my children. Any suggestions are appreciated - been up all night thinking about this.
Oh I remained sober in piste of thoughts of drinking - felt able to step away from my own thoughts and am proud!
Moral of the story is alcohol runs deep in my immediate and extended families. My wife and I are so grateful to be sober and aware of things. 6 months ago, I would have knocked him out only making the situation worse - BTW I took the higher road and said nothing through dinner until we left and I could digest the incident.
My family and I flew to the Philly area to have Thanksgiving at my sister in law's and her family. Everything was fine. I was asked for help in the kitchen from my wife, sister in law and mother in law due to my culinary skills. Anyhow short version, I ended up prepping the entire dinner and was called outside by my drunk I guess brother in law (sister in law's husband) and lambasted to for helping in HIS house. I was called many explicative"s". Meanwhile I was helping on request of his wife and family.
He is richer than I (3 houses private plane etc) but has secluded himself in his castles. This was what I saw in Singapore and what I thought I once aspired too but seeing all this sober (in Singapore and now) highlights how misguided my previous intentions were.
I feel badly for him, as he is clearly suffering, I am not sure if it is from alcohol but it was involved. I am going to confront him today and offer some suggestive help but the relationship is fractured and feel for the cousins as they are close with my children. Any suggestions are appreciated - been up all night thinking about this.
Oh I remained sober in piste of thoughts of drinking - felt able to step away from my own thoughts and am proud!
Moral of the story is alcohol runs deep in my immediate and extended families. My wife and I are so grateful to be sober and aware of things. 6 months ago, I would have knocked him out only making the situation worse - BTW I took the higher road and said nothing through dinner until we left and I could digest the incident.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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jdooner, good going!
Your brother in law wasn't lambasting you for helping in HIS house, he was dealing with his own anger at himself for not helping. The typical drunk's way, get angry, reason to drink more.
Unfortunately, based on what you said happened yesterday, I have to be honest and tell you that I don't have a good feeling about this no matter which way I look at it.
The way he sees it you already made him look bad in his own house and now you're going to discuss his drinking problem with him? He seems like he's a volatile person.
Tread lightly.
Your brother in law wasn't lambasting you for helping in HIS house, he was dealing with his own anger at himself for not helping. The typical drunk's way, get angry, reason to drink more.
Unfortunately, based on what you said happened yesterday, I have to be honest and tell you that I don't have a good feeling about this no matter which way I look at it.
The way he sees it you already made him look bad in his own house and now you're going to discuss his drinking problem with him? He seems like he's a volatile person.
Tread lightly.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Sounds like a very challenging Thanksgiving day. It also sounds like you couldn't have handled it better - congratulations on staying sober throughout. It's difficult to offer suggestions on how to approach your brother in law, as there is so much we don't know. I suspect that if you are not especially close with him, and you are the only one confronting him about his behavior, your comments (if confrontational) will not be favorably received. Inquiries about what's going on in his life, made from a place of respect, concern and support, and with due consideration for his pride, may go over better. And perhaps making your point by sharing your own experience - without directly confronting him about his behavior - as this approach is less likely to make him feel attacked, and thus less likely to lead to a knee-jerk, ego-driven defensive response.
Nice that your immediate reaction is one of concern for your brother-in-law, rather than anger over the way he treated you.
Nice that your immediate reaction is one of concern for your brother-in-law, rather than anger over the way he treated you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Ugh, I can't let this go because of the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Probably because I see some of his anger as who I was too when I drank. Often times I'll step into a person's shoes and consider how I would react.
I can imagine if a woman came into my house on Thanksgiving and started doing everything with my family when I was drinking and getting very irritated with her. That's where my assumption was that his anger at you was coming from. Now, forward to the next day when I'm hung over (therefore grumpy already) and that same woman "confronting (your word)" me about my drinking. Eek. Nothing good is going to come from that. Sends a few chills up my spine in fact. The source of my anger from the previous evening questioning my drinking. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Perhaps what also struck me was your use of the word "confront". That's a very scary word to an alcoholic. If you are going to approach this man in any manner than you have to rethink that one and once again, tread lightly. Your intentions to fix things could end up doing far more damage based on your approach.
Good luck and my thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted.
I can imagine if a woman came into my house on Thanksgiving and started doing everything with my family when I was drinking and getting very irritated with her. That's where my assumption was that his anger at you was coming from. Now, forward to the next day when I'm hung over (therefore grumpy already) and that same woman "confronting (your word)" me about my drinking. Eek. Nothing good is going to come from that. Sends a few chills up my spine in fact. The source of my anger from the previous evening questioning my drinking. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Perhaps what also struck me was your use of the word "confront". That's a very scary word to an alcoholic. If you are going to approach this man in any manner than you have to rethink that one and once again, tread lightly. Your intentions to fix things could end up doing far more damage based on your approach.
Good luck and my thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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"Oh I remained sober in piste of thoughts of drinking - felt able to step away from my own thoughts and am proud!"
Congratulations. This is sobriety at work.
If I were in this situation I'd be very careful on the approach and would consider putting off the conversation with him until well prepared. I might go to a local AA office and get some pamphlets to give your wife to give to him because this can become explosive and can ruin a relationship. In AA it's called "Easy Does It."
BE WELL
Congratulations. This is sobriety at work.
If I were in this situation I'd be very careful on the approach and would consider putting off the conversation with him until well prepared. I might go to a local AA office and get some pamphlets to give your wife to give to him because this can become explosive and can ruin a relationship. In AA it's called "Easy Does It."
BE WELL
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
suggestions are only useful if we are seeking help.
I'd be PO'd if someone came to my house as a guest and the next day started offering me suggestions on how I ought to live.
Now that I am sober, I know to stop, breathe, put it into perspective and move on..either considering what they've said and doing some further introspection, or feeling it does not apply and letting it go.
I hope he is capable of that.
maybe I have it wrong and you were going to share cooking tips with him...but, when I was in active addiction, having someone I didn't like or respect tell me I need to get sober?
I'd be PO'd if someone came to my house as a guest and the next day started offering me suggestions on how I ought to live.
Now that I am sober, I know to stop, breathe, put it into perspective and move on..either considering what they've said and doing some further introspection, or feeling it does not apply and letting it go.
I hope he is capable of that.
maybe I have it wrong and you were going to share cooking tips with him...but, when I was in active addiction, having someone I didn't like or respect tell me I need to get sober?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Thanks for the advice. Points well taken. I was not going to go to his house. There are more ties between our family's so I can't just jump on the plane and head home. I need to deal with follow-through. We have shared vacations coming up, which I am backing out of - so the ripple through is clear. I am going to write an email and let my wife read it before sending - put some real thought into it. There is more behind things here in terms of his spiraling out of control and the situation is a bit scary - for my sister in law.
Based on suggestions confronting or offering advice is no longer in play - thx.
Thanks for letting me vent. I have let go of the resentment and feel rather okay about everything.
I am proud of myself
Based on suggestions confronting or offering advice is no longer in play - thx.
Thanks for letting me vent. I have let go of the resentment and feel rather okay about everything.
I am proud of myself
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 197
Good for you on letting him vent and you not reacting harshly. He is obviously struggling with something. Sometimes people perceive having money means having peace and happiness when often times that is far from the case. Let him deal with what he is dealing with and have peace with yourself that you handled it in a mature sober way. I'm sure he feels terrible about it anyway. He obviously feels less than adequate in his own house or that wouldn't have bothered him. Anyway, well handled and hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. Stay sober. MB
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AA promises
"We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."
In dealing with others I can only share my own story. If they are ready they will see the similarites. If not there are no words that will be heard
"We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."
In dealing with others I can only share my own story. If they are ready they will see the similarites. If not there are no words that will be heard
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Hi jd;
I spent quite a few years foxhunting and hung out with lots of rich people because of that.
Most of the time, they were the most unhappy ones in the group and aggressive / obnoxious drunks.
I think, after observing this for many years, this was a combination of realizing "having everything" doesn't mean you really have anything,
and also a sense of entitlement which some were born with and some grew into quite nicely.
I think you are wise not to confront him, and that you did very well in the situation. Compassion is the key, especially for sister-in-law.
It is nice to be out of the cycle, isn't it? One day I realized listening to my foxhunting "friends" that the conversation was low-brow despite the expensive bubbly,
and that I was tired of spending my free time with a bunch of a _ _ holes who wanted everyone to feel as miserable as themselves.
I spent quite a few years foxhunting and hung out with lots of rich people because of that.
Most of the time, they were the most unhappy ones in the group and aggressive / obnoxious drunks.
I think, after observing this for many years, this was a combination of realizing "having everything" doesn't mean you really have anything,
and also a sense of entitlement which some were born with and some grew into quite nicely.
I think you are wise not to confront him, and that you did very well in the situation. Compassion is the key, especially for sister-in-law.
It is nice to be out of the cycle, isn't it? One day I realized listening to my foxhunting "friends" that the conversation was low-brow despite the expensive bubbly,
and that I was tired of spending my free time with a bunch of a _ _ holes who wanted everyone to feel as miserable as themselves.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Hmmmm. I wonder why your being an aide to the ladies pissed him off so much. Why so threatened ? Is he aware of your new found sobriety ? Your wife's ? Is there competition there that you didn't even know existed ?
Sounds to me like an ego driven passive aggressive c0ck fight.
My husband would have gladly handed over ANY wife required time in the kitchen to be able to hole up with his boys in the man cave and do what men do. (Which I think is watch football, spit, swear and grunt ?)
There's something much bigger at play here, some of which I think you know, some you may THINK you know and some which is yet to be discovered.
At any rate, I leave you with one one of my favorite quotes:
"Some people will like you. And some people will hate you. And none of it has anything to do with you."
http://thoughtcatalog.com/keay-nigel...ters-hate-you/
Sounds to me like an ego driven passive aggressive c0ck fight.
My husband would have gladly handed over ANY wife required time in the kitchen to be able to hole up with his boys in the man cave and do what men do. (Which I think is watch football, spit, swear and grunt ?)
There's something much bigger at play here, some of which I think you know, some you may THINK you know and some which is yet to be discovered.
At any rate, I leave you with one one of my favorite quotes:
"Some people will like you. And some people will hate you. And none of it has anything to do with you."
http://thoughtcatalog.com/keay-nigel...ters-hate-you/
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Thanks for the responses and advice. As an update, he called and apologized. I did not blindly accept his apology but instead told him I feel badly for him that he seems to be hurting from my opinion. This seems to irritate him, which I expected. I let him know how it made me feel and and sorry this will weigh on our friendship. I accepted his apology and have moved on. I have passed the resentment on - let it go and I feel okay.
I feel for my sister in law and worry about her safety. The anger was akin to my dog that sees an animal he wants to kill. I was not fearful but when it happened my adrenaline kicked into high gear - he is 5'9" and 170 and I am 6'1" 230 - in fact the old me would have pummeled him.
I am quite proud of how I handled things and feel like in 3 long months I have moved mountains.
AO - there is certainly insecurities coming out. I am handy he is not, so in family affairs I am asked to often take care of something and I am sure this bothers him. I understand my role in last night but feel okay I did everything possible to minimize any issues and this was on him. I have been careful never to accept any money, cars, flights on the jet so that I did not become beholden and now this is crystal clear.
He is where I was at last year. He is dying inside and its consuming him. He uses his money to buy time and feed the beast but this will run out at some point. He needs to see this but I have let him know I am here for him if he ever wants to chat.
I think my kindness surprised him and perhaps irritated him more.
I feel for my sister in law and worry about her safety. The anger was akin to my dog that sees an animal he wants to kill. I was not fearful but when it happened my adrenaline kicked into high gear - he is 5'9" and 170 and I am 6'1" 230 - in fact the old me would have pummeled him.
I am quite proud of how I handled things and feel like in 3 long months I have moved mountains.
AO - there is certainly insecurities coming out. I am handy he is not, so in family affairs I am asked to often take care of something and I am sure this bothers him. I understand my role in last night but feel okay I did everything possible to minimize any issues and this was on him. I have been careful never to accept any money, cars, flights on the jet so that I did not become beholden and now this is crystal clear.
He is where I was at last year. He is dying inside and its consuming him. He uses his money to buy time and feed the beast but this will run out at some point. He needs to see this but I have let him know I am here for him if he ever wants to chat.
I think my kindness surprised him and perhaps irritated him more.
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You know exactly what he's going through then and you should also remember that you can't really help until he wants it, just like all of us were at one point. As much as you have good intentions, you really seem to have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking ( dare I say obsessing ) over this. Take care of yourself and perhaps seek some family/friends support so you don't let someone else's problem sabotage your own sobriety.
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Well done on how you handled the situation! He was probably taken by surprise by your response if he is not yet used to the sober and level-headed version of you. He likely expected to get a rise out of you. When you didn't supply that, it likely fueled the fire within him by not getting the result he wanted.
Hopefully, when the time is right for him and he is ready, he will take the hand you have extended for support and reach out. He is very fortunate to have you there for him as someone who has been where he is regarding the alcohol abuse. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Hopefully, when the time is right for him and he is ready, he will take the hand you have extended for support and reach out. He is very fortunate to have you there for him as someone who has been where he is regarding the alcohol abuse. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
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Wow JD. I won't advise, as your own counsel and the thoughts others have expressed here serve as well as anything I could say. No angry confrontations at my Thanksgiving, I'm even happier now to say...
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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JD as much as you may not like it, he's family and presumably you will be spending many more holidays, etc with him in the future. The fact that he called and apologized and extended the olive branch I think says something good about him. We've all said things that we regretted when we drank. I would cut him some slack, and let him know you're there if he ever wants to talk. You took the high road and turned the other cheek, which is awesome. I can't speak for you, but I would bury it and welcome him with open arms next time you see him.
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