What to do if you think you asked the wrong person to be your sponsor.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 1
What to do if you think you asked the wrong person to be your sponsor.....
I am newly sober ( 1 month) and new to AA. I have been going to meetings regularly, at least 4 a week. They were helping at first, but now it is like a chore and has been putting a strain on my family due to the extra running around. I was never told how to get a sponser until one lady that I was friendly with asked me if I had one...I was kinda put in the position to ask her. This was over two weeks ago and nothing other than her making me call her everyday has transpired.
She has her own issues right now and has said that once things settle down that we will start meeting and going through the steps. Who knows when that is going to take place. I called her earlier today and she didn't seem like she wanted to talk, even after I didn't show up for the last meeting. I was fine with it, I really haven't had any bad days that I had to call her about. Of course, tonight is bad and I feel so alone and don't want to call her....not only because she told me she was tired earlier today, but because I just don't want to talk to her about things.
I am usually closer with men and talk much easier with them, but I guess there is some rule against having a sponser of the opposite sex?
All of the other women in the group that aren't already sponsers up to their eyeballs don't see like a good fit for me.
Maybe I am not cut out for AA....I really don't know how much longer I can do this, especially when it comes down to exploiting my demons to a stranger and asking others for forgiveness when I am trying to protect my animosity.
Do I make sense, or can anyone relate?
She has her own issues right now and has said that once things settle down that we will start meeting and going through the steps. Who knows when that is going to take place. I called her earlier today and she didn't seem like she wanted to talk, even after I didn't show up for the last meeting. I was fine with it, I really haven't had any bad days that I had to call her about. Of course, tonight is bad and I feel so alone and don't want to call her....not only because she told me she was tired earlier today, but because I just don't want to talk to her about things.
I am usually closer with men and talk much easier with them, but I guess there is some rule against having a sponser of the opposite sex?
All of the other women in the group that aren't already sponsers up to their eyeballs don't see like a good fit for me.
Maybe I am not cut out for AA....I really don't know how much longer I can do this, especially when it comes down to exploiting my demons to a stranger and asking others for forgiveness when I am trying to protect my animosity.
Do I make sense, or can anyone relate?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
yes drazzy I can relate. It is very difficult forming a relationship in early recovery, especially sober. But I think it is good for you to have that accountability anyways. Try to give it some time. Recovery is more than just putting down the drink, it is an inside job.
Your family will have to accept that you go to meetings regularly if they want you to be sober. Don't quit before the miracle.
Just keep your eye out for other women who are sober for awhile, like a year at least IMO and listen. Listen for someone who is reasonably happy. Find a womans meeting. Try to stay away from the men. To risky.
As far as ur current sponosr sometimes we get what we need not what we want.
The simple fact that she offered means she cares. And people do have lives and we have to accept that. They are not sitting waiting by the phone for us to call.
Don't forget that we are often very sensitive in the first few weeks and months so we kinda take things the wrong way. Just keep calling her. She wants you to get comfortable with calling her everyday so when the day comes that you want to drink , that you will feel ok calling her.
Don't leave AA before the miracle!
Your family will have to accept that you go to meetings regularly if they want you to be sober. Don't quit before the miracle.
Just keep your eye out for other women who are sober for awhile, like a year at least IMO and listen. Listen for someone who is reasonably happy. Find a womans meeting. Try to stay away from the men. To risky.
As far as ur current sponosr sometimes we get what we need not what we want.
The simple fact that she offered means she cares. And people do have lives and we have to accept that. They are not sitting waiting by the phone for us to call.
Don't forget that we are often very sensitive in the first few weeks and months so we kinda take things the wrong way. Just keep calling her. She wants you to get comfortable with calling her everyday so when the day comes that you want to drink , that you will feel ok calling her.
Don't leave AA before the miracle!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 35
I agree is prob best to keep to a sponsor of the same sex especially in early recovery, well done on a month sober, you are not beholden to anyone if it's not working for you then lay your cards on the table, consider the reasons you asked this lady to sponsor you, does she have the kind of sobriety you aspire to etc, has she sponsored others, etc . Then make your own mind up. Keep going to meetings and keep having a look at the big book
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Later on in the steps, you are going to hand your will and your life over to God.
Why not start now??
Maybe God put this person in front of you, because he knows what's best.
If you are still trying to think about everything and exert your will over the outcomes.... Just think about how doing just that, got you through the doors of AA in the first place.
It really does not sound to me like this sponsor has done anything wrong except not live up to your expectations.
Is she even aware of what your expectations are??
Why not start now??
Maybe God put this person in front of you, because he knows what's best.
If you are still trying to think about everything and exert your will over the outcomes.... Just think about how doing just that, got you through the doors of AA in the first place.
It really does not sound to me like this sponsor has done anything wrong except not live up to your expectations.
Is she even aware of what your expectations are??
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I got given my sponsor.
At first I was like "WTF "?
Aren't I supposed to get a choice?
He's 60, I'm 40... How bizarre, we'll never relate.
He's a dual NA / AA member, oh great I got some godamn junkie for a sponsor
And on and on my newly sober head went.
At about the 90 days mark, after regular phone calls each day and having done my 5th step with him, I realised that he had come to mean as much to me as any person in my life ever has.
Trust God and clean house.
The results are promised later on in the book.
Just gotta stay out of Gods way
I found that I had to let go of the idea that a sponsor is perfect too. They aren't.
Pester the crap out of them, ring 3 times a day. They need to get well too
At first I was like "WTF "?
Aren't I supposed to get a choice?
He's 60, I'm 40... How bizarre, we'll never relate.
He's a dual NA / AA member, oh great I got some godamn junkie for a sponsor
And on and on my newly sober head went.
At about the 90 days mark, after regular phone calls each day and having done my 5th step with him, I realised that he had come to mean as much to me as any person in my life ever has.
Trust God and clean house.
The results are promised later on in the book.
Just gotta stay out of Gods way
I found that I had to let go of the idea that a sponsor is perfect too. They aren't.
Pester the crap out of them, ring 3 times a day. They need to get well too
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
For me, I found a sponsor that has "what I want" and that I felt safe talking to. The only job of a sponsor is to guide you through the 12 steps. They are not counselors, friends, punching bags, marriage counselors etc and just because we have one doesn't mean we will stay sober. Trust me...I actually thought that was the case at one point. I thought that my sponsor would keep me sober and when I drank again I would fire them! Lol. That was before my first sobriety date in 2008. Crazy! Haha
Anyway...the 12 steps really helped me. They really helped me get to know myself, why I drank, what triggers me, to get rid of anger and resentments, find peace and happiness etc etc.
Maybe look for a sponsor that is really knowledgable about the steps. You can kind of "interview" that person to see if you guys "click". Tell them you want to get through the steps as soon as possible. Once you get through all 12 steps the promises come true (they really do) and you can decide what you want to do about continuing AA at that point.
People used to say "don't quit before the miracle happens". I got my miracle at about a year sober. I was the happiest I had ever been for several years. So happy that I stopped going to meetings, checking SR etc and drank again! :-( That will NOT happen again. Not making that mistake again...
Anyway...I'm almost one month sober again and feel good about my commitment to sobriety and my life!
Good luck! Maybe just take things one day at a time. You don't have to make any final decisions about anything right now. Keep it simple, try not to over-think things and just don't drink no matter what!
Congrats on 30 days!
Anyway...the 12 steps really helped me. They really helped me get to know myself, why I drank, what triggers me, to get rid of anger and resentments, find peace and happiness etc etc.
Maybe look for a sponsor that is really knowledgable about the steps. You can kind of "interview" that person to see if you guys "click". Tell them you want to get through the steps as soon as possible. Once you get through all 12 steps the promises come true (they really do) and you can decide what you want to do about continuing AA at that point.
People used to say "don't quit before the miracle happens". I got my miracle at about a year sober. I was the happiest I had ever been for several years. So happy that I stopped going to meetings, checking SR etc and drank again! :-( That will NOT happen again. Not making that mistake again...
Anyway...I'm almost one month sober again and feel good about my commitment to sobriety and my life!
Good luck! Maybe just take things one day at a time. You don't have to make any final decisions about anything right now. Keep it simple, try not to over-think things and just don't drink no matter what!
Congrats on 30 days!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
And by the way...when I said "interview" I didn't mean that literally interview. I guess I was just saying to listen to women in meetings to see if you connect with them, if they work a good program etc.
Oh and I like what Hawk said (I think it was Hawk) about sponsors not being perfect. They are just alcoholics like us with a little more experience and time. Maybe if you give it a little more time you will find that you really connect with your new sponsor. :-)
Good luck! You're doing great!!!
Oh and I like what Hawk said (I think it was Hawk) about sponsors not being perfect. They are just alcoholics like us with a little more experience and time. Maybe if you give it a little more time you will find that you really connect with your new sponsor. :-)
Good luck! You're doing great!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 10
Thanks Drazzy
Its fine to change sponsers, its fine not to have a sponser, its fine to have more than one.... go with what works fror you.
Someone suggested to me to think of AA as a body of experience (mainly the literature) and to use any of it it any way that I found helpful or not.
Sponsership is just one element of that experience.
You might it helpful to try and work out what you want from a sponser (if you want one) and then see and try who fits -
As the saying goes, take what you like and leave the rest......
Good Luck
Its fine to change sponsers, its fine not to have a sponser, its fine to have more than one.... go with what works fror you.
Someone suggested to me to think of AA as a body of experience (mainly the literature) and to use any of it it any way that I found helpful or not.
Sponsership is just one element of that experience.
You might it helpful to try and work out what you want from a sponser (if you want one) and then see and try who fits -
As the saying goes, take what you like and leave the rest......
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by Recover12Step 
Thanks Drazzy Its fine to change sponsers, its fine not to have a sponser, its fine to have more than one.... go with what works fror you. Someone suggested to me to think of AA as a body of experience (mainly the literature) and to use any of it it any way that I found helpful or not. Sponsership is just one element of that experience. You might it helpful to try and work out what you want from a sponser (if you want one) and then see and try who fits - As the saying goes, take what you like and leave the rest...... Good Luck
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