Not Drinking with a Partner who continues to drink
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
The best way for me to put it katee is bluntly. My sobriety is mine, it is not about her. It is not because of her, it is not contingent on her behavior. My choices are not stay sober only if they do. My choices are to put up with a drunk cold fish who is never responsible because in her mind all is fault not pressing forward, or not, whether she is drinking or not. I am sober by my choice as you are. If I could not be sober around her, I would divorce her and stay sober. If it is miserable but I choose to stay that is on me. One thing I read from the family of alcoholics forum was that I "won't find bread in a hardware store no matter how hard I look for it or ask." Looking to an alcoholic to enable my sobriety is like looking for bread in a hardware store. It ain't gonna be there.
Expecting an alcoholic spouse who drinks heavily and gets mean to treat you differently because you are sober isn't happening either. If one quits just to one up their spouse temporarily then they may as well not even try. I don't have to work on my sobriety, it is solid because it is only up to me. Our relationship is up to both: 50/50. I can't make that eight alone. But I can make my life easier living alone. It would be nice to have had affection in the past, and now. There ain't no bread in that hardware store. My store is a bread store with some nuts and bolts. I don't need armor. Alcoholics do. They call their armor drinking, good times, partay, relaxing, unwinding, or just sullen self victimization self-pity parties. I am still loyal, God only knows why. I can do my own laundry, cooking, housekeeping etc. I was the neat nut military order one when we got married. Still can.
Expecting an alcoholic spouse who drinks heavily and gets mean to treat you differently because you are sober isn't happening either. If one quits just to one up their spouse temporarily then they may as well not even try. I don't have to work on my sobriety, it is solid because it is only up to me. Our relationship is up to both: 50/50. I can't make that eight alone. But I can make my life easier living alone. It would be nice to have had affection in the past, and now. There ain't no bread in that hardware store. My store is a bread store with some nuts and bolts. I don't need armor. Alcoholics do. They call their armor drinking, good times, partay, relaxing, unwinding, or just sullen self victimization self-pity parties. I am still loyal, God only knows why. I can do my own laundry, cooking, housekeeping etc. I was the neat nut military order one when we got married. Still can.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 227
My husband still drinks but he's a moderate drinker. I have to remind him not to talk about alcohol with me like we used to... Commenting on the flavor of his beer and the notes of the expensive bourbon he's sipping. It doesn't bother me. He's not an alcoholic and I don't expect him to give it up just because I have a problem with it. Having it in the house doesn't tempt me. I think I'll be more tempted going to a party or gathering where everyone else is drinking but me.
Learning to LIve
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NSW Australia
Posts: 908
I was my hubby's drinking partner for 20 years. Till I stopped just over 12 months ago. I can relate to so many of the posts in this thread.
Very early in sobriety him drinking and having wine was difficult. He did not realise how hard it was for me. I never told him. One distinct memory was in the first week when he asked me to get him a glass of wine (while I was going thru w/d).
The only other times I have been tempted to drink the wine was during stressful life situations as that was how I always dealt with them ... having alcohol in the house then was really hard. Thank GAWD for SR chat at these times.
Like others have said the hardest thing has been the change in the relationship ... I really don't like his company if he has had a lot to drink. I don't like the way he treats me and on the odd occasion how he treats the kids... that is hard to take. He is not physically abusive in any way.
The change in goals ... short term amd long term are also proving to be challenging ... he can be so boring passed out on the lounge at 830 pm.... heck sometimes even the kids are still awake. I really resent the money and time he spends on drinking (especially at the club).. I always have but now i am sober it is in my face so to speak
At this stage our marriage is manageable .... thanks to advice from here I made sure I did not do or say anything in my first year of sobriety that could have had long term affects on hte relationship... my emotions were all over the place ... I wanted him out !!!!!
SO I am taking it (as itchy said) One day at A time .... basically in another 2 years or so I hope to be happier in this marriage then I am now. We have a number of issues directly / indirectly related to his drinking ... we have not been intimate for 3 years .... that has been a real issue for me since I stopped drinking ... I am trying to address our issues one at a time .. I will set my boundries (I don't think I will ever ask him to stop drinking). BUt in 2 years time I will be strongrer and more emotionally independent .. I am the primary wage earner ... so money is not an issue for me ... it would be for him initially if we seperated ... i completely fund his drinking.
I do know that if the marriage ends. My house WILL be a DRY house and any future partner will be as well
Very early in sobriety him drinking and having wine was difficult. He did not realise how hard it was for me. I never told him. One distinct memory was in the first week when he asked me to get him a glass of wine (while I was going thru w/d).
The only other times I have been tempted to drink the wine was during stressful life situations as that was how I always dealt with them ... having alcohol in the house then was really hard. Thank GAWD for SR chat at these times.
Like others have said the hardest thing has been the change in the relationship ... I really don't like his company if he has had a lot to drink. I don't like the way he treats me and on the odd occasion how he treats the kids... that is hard to take. He is not physically abusive in any way.
The change in goals ... short term amd long term are also proving to be challenging ... he can be so boring passed out on the lounge at 830 pm.... heck sometimes even the kids are still awake. I really resent the money and time he spends on drinking (especially at the club).. I always have but now i am sober it is in my face so to speak
At this stage our marriage is manageable .... thanks to advice from here I made sure I did not do or say anything in my first year of sobriety that could have had long term affects on hte relationship... my emotions were all over the place ... I wanted him out !!!!!
SO I am taking it (as itchy said) One day at A time .... basically in another 2 years or so I hope to be happier in this marriage then I am now. We have a number of issues directly / indirectly related to his drinking ... we have not been intimate for 3 years .... that has been a real issue for me since I stopped drinking ... I am trying to address our issues one at a time .. I will set my boundries (I don't think I will ever ask him to stop drinking). BUt in 2 years time I will be strongrer and more emotionally independent .. I am the primary wage earner ... so money is not an issue for me ... it would be for him initially if we seperated ... i completely fund his drinking.
I do know that if the marriage ends. My house WILL be a DRY house and any future partner will be as well
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Raider,
You lost me. Being sober has nothing to do with relationships. It has nothing to do with events going my way, not going my way, or any external stimuli good or bad. I simply am now, and always will be a non drinker. My sobriety just is. It is not a bargaining chip, a threat, a badge of honor, or a halo. As an accomplishment perspective is easy - ant child can maintain sobriety as well as most adults. Some adults choose not to.
It is just plain fact that when sober, drunks are boring, insensitive, self centered, sloppy, and at best asleep. So sometimes when we sober up we find our significant other just a drinking buddy, no more, no less, and no more.
The decision isn't just black and white. It isn't just rational or emotional. Finances may or may not be a factor. So a few lines on a forum won't cover anything but the barest scratch of the surface, and that for only the one posting.
You lost me. Being sober has nothing to do with relationships. It has nothing to do with events going my way, not going my way, or any external stimuli good or bad. I simply am now, and always will be a non drinker. My sobriety just is. It is not a bargaining chip, a threat, a badge of honor, or a halo. As an accomplishment perspective is easy - ant child can maintain sobriety as well as most adults. Some adults choose not to.
It is just plain fact that when sober, drunks are boring, insensitive, self centered, sloppy, and at best asleep. So sometimes when we sober up we find our significant other just a drinking buddy, no more, no less, and no more.
The decision isn't just black and white. It isn't just rational or emotional. Finances may or may not be a factor. So a few lines on a forum won't cover anything but the barest scratch of the surface, and that for only the one posting.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
LSC1,
I never had any temptation from watching her drink or wanting to drink. I went far beyond detesting drinking and my addiction consequences.
Only those who have the same switch and found how to throw that switch seem to understand. From the first day out of detox I was free and nothing could make me drink ever again. I did not crave it, miss it or feel deprived by others or myself.
But the rest of your post rings true for me too. besides we are older than many here at 59 & 61 years young, and have been married for 41 years. We were married young and had our oldest of two at 21 & 19 respectively. Ennui sets in somewhat too. It is what I mean when I joke that serenity is no fun until you are serene enough to enjoy it. Sobriety brings no wonderful or terrible things with it. We make it great or terrible all by ourselves. Sober, our freedom allows many more options to choose from. And yes, you will be on a more even keel at three years as that is my time sober as of last month. My fist year was PAWS from hell. Year two was nicely upwarad trending health and wuality of life. Third year for me was the realization of perspective for which problems I own, which are owned by others, and which are insoluble. Then it is just weighing the good, the bad, and seeing what the insoluble does to the scales.
I never had any temptation from watching her drink or wanting to drink. I went far beyond detesting drinking and my addiction consequences.
Only those who have the same switch and found how to throw that switch seem to understand. From the first day out of detox I was free and nothing could make me drink ever again. I did not crave it, miss it or feel deprived by others or myself.
But the rest of your post rings true for me too. besides we are older than many here at 59 & 61 years young, and have been married for 41 years. We were married young and had our oldest of two at 21 & 19 respectively. Ennui sets in somewhat too. It is what I mean when I joke that serenity is no fun until you are serene enough to enjoy it. Sobriety brings no wonderful or terrible things with it. We make it great or terrible all by ourselves. Sober, our freedom allows many more options to choose from. And yes, you will be on a more even keel at three years as that is my time sober as of last month. My fist year was PAWS from hell. Year two was nicely upwarad trending health and wuality of life. Third year for me was the realization of perspective for which problems I own, which are owned by others, and which are insoluble. Then it is just weighing the good, the bad, and seeing what the insoluble does to the scales.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 31
Itchy, let me get this straight...you stay in the marriage because you tolerate her? and I suppose you tolerate her because you love(d) her? and you don't leave because you have a committment? I'd appreciate any input on HOW you do that.
I get that my sobriety has nothing to do with whether or not my husband is sober. But once I became sober before, I had a very hard time tolerating him. I do not blame him for my ending that sobriety. Our relationship was always based on drinking. Always. And I am the one that changed that, not him.
But how can a relationship be sustained when the main thing you had in common no longer exists between you?
I'm just trying to focus on what else we have in common that can allow him to continue to be who he is...our kids for example. But alcohol still gets in the way.
I get that my sobriety has nothing to do with whether or not my husband is sober. But once I became sober before, I had a very hard time tolerating him. I do not blame him for my ending that sobriety. Our relationship was always based on drinking. Always. And I am the one that changed that, not him.
But how can a relationship be sustained when the main thing you had in common no longer exists between you?
I'm just trying to focus on what else we have in common that can allow him to continue to be who he is...our kids for example. But alcohol still gets in the way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 109
My experience has been that it doesn't work if you stay in a relationship where you don't drink and he does (unless he is a social drinker or rarely drinks). The problem is that resentments kill the relationship and are almost impossible to get rid of. You resent him because he drinks and he resents you because you don't. It's a losing battle.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I met my husband in a pub and we drank together for the majority of our marriage. We are both alcoholics. He was already a blackout drinker when we met and I became one somewhere along the line.
I haven't really spent too much time analysing how/when things started to deteriorate but for many years we were very happy. But as our drinking progressed we both did things we regretted, we hurt each other in ways that now I can hardly believe happened.
I decided to give up drinking, it was making me ill and I really wanted him to join me. He has always been the love of my life, a brilliant Dad to our kids, and I knew that we could have a great future once the alcohol was removed from our lives.
He refused to join me, he was resentful at me quitting and tried to sabotage my sobriety. I knew he was scared to give up...I understood because I was too and the next few months were perhaps the most difficult of our marriage. I went to AA meetings and he stepped up his drinking. He became loud and belligerent. He had a couple of instances of alcoholic psychosis. I carried on but I knew I was leaving him behind and for me, I couldn't have continued indefinitely. I still loved him to bits, but weekends of drinking at lunchtimes and falling asleep in the afternoons no longer held any appeal for me. He was lost and began to get depressed because it was me moving the goalposts. He didn't want to lose me, but he knew he was. I never threatened to leave him but he just knew.
After a couple of months I relapsed for reasons unrelated to his drinking, but being in a house where alcohol was so freely available made it easy. There are still gaps in my memory from that binge, but I really did lose the plot. I was an emotional wreck and he was shocked. His drunken behaviour had always been the most dramatic, but after some sober time, the best part of a bottle of vodka caused mine to be off the wall.
It was in the aftermath of that weekend that we had the most emotionally gruelling of our heart to heart conversations about our future. There was complete honesty and decisions to be made. I couldn't live with him drinking any more, and he told me he never wanted to see me like that again either.
So, we gave up together. 16 months ago and still going strong. Our marriage is great, we've both grown up and for the first time ever taken adult responsibility for our actions.
Neither of us could make the other quit, we both needed to do it when the time was right for us. Our recoveries have been totally different and we have had our fair share of challenges. But yeah....best move we ever made.
Would we still be together now if he had continued to drink? Probably not. But then, he was a blackout/psychotic/drinking and driving/dangerous drinker. Not easy to ignore and carry on. Last weekend we celebrated 23 years of marriage, and that was only our 2nd ever sober one.
Life does produce miracles sometimes you know!x
I haven't really spent too much time analysing how/when things started to deteriorate but for many years we were very happy. But as our drinking progressed we both did things we regretted, we hurt each other in ways that now I can hardly believe happened.
I decided to give up drinking, it was making me ill and I really wanted him to join me. He has always been the love of my life, a brilliant Dad to our kids, and I knew that we could have a great future once the alcohol was removed from our lives.
He refused to join me, he was resentful at me quitting and tried to sabotage my sobriety. I knew he was scared to give up...I understood because I was too and the next few months were perhaps the most difficult of our marriage. I went to AA meetings and he stepped up his drinking. He became loud and belligerent. He had a couple of instances of alcoholic psychosis. I carried on but I knew I was leaving him behind and for me, I couldn't have continued indefinitely. I still loved him to bits, but weekends of drinking at lunchtimes and falling asleep in the afternoons no longer held any appeal for me. He was lost and began to get depressed because it was me moving the goalposts. He didn't want to lose me, but he knew he was. I never threatened to leave him but he just knew.
After a couple of months I relapsed for reasons unrelated to his drinking, but being in a house where alcohol was so freely available made it easy. There are still gaps in my memory from that binge, but I really did lose the plot. I was an emotional wreck and he was shocked. His drunken behaviour had always been the most dramatic, but after some sober time, the best part of a bottle of vodka caused mine to be off the wall.
It was in the aftermath of that weekend that we had the most emotionally gruelling of our heart to heart conversations about our future. There was complete honesty and decisions to be made. I couldn't live with him drinking any more, and he told me he never wanted to see me like that again either.
So, we gave up together. 16 months ago and still going strong. Our marriage is great, we've both grown up and for the first time ever taken adult responsibility for our actions.
Neither of us could make the other quit, we both needed to do it when the time was right for us. Our recoveries have been totally different and we have had our fair share of challenges. But yeah....best move we ever made.
Would we still be together now if he had continued to drink? Probably not. But then, he was a blackout/psychotic/drinking and driving/dangerous drinker. Not easy to ignore and carry on. Last weekend we celebrated 23 years of marriage, and that was only our 2nd ever sober one.
Life does produce miracles sometimes you know!x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
OK, I'm going to hijack this thread for a moment. Freebird13, what you say is very true. I felt that way for a long time. Fortunately or unfortunately I had such a strong love and respect for my wife That I couldn't just walk out. As I've said in another post, even as a drunk, she treated me like a king. She was very active in a number of charities etc. No matter how bad her drinking was, she never had anything but good in her heart! That was my experience.
KateeDidnt, and Raider, It sounds like your experience is different. What helped me was a chance to be away from her for a week or so while she was gone for a family visit. At that point in time I was somehow able to get my intellectual truth to line up with the truth in my heart. I came to the conclusion that I could maintain MY sobriety and be there for her at the same time.
If this doesn't make sense to you? Get the he-- out of there! I don't mean to make light of this, but it's like going to the dentist. It's worth going through that one day of extreme pain to get rid of that constant low throb!
Whether you think you can, or if you think you can't, your right.
KateeDidnt, and Raider, It sounds like your experience is different. What helped me was a chance to be away from her for a week or so while she was gone for a family visit. At that point in time I was somehow able to get my intellectual truth to line up with the truth in my heart. I came to the conclusion that I could maintain MY sobriety and be there for her at the same time.
If this doesn't make sense to you? Get the he-- out of there! I don't mean to make light of this, but it's like going to the dentist. It's worth going through that one day of extreme pain to get rid of that constant low throb!
Whether you think you can, or if you think you can't, your right.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Ron, I get your story. My husband still drinks and he is not angry, belligerant or a blackout drunk. But he drinks too much and it is not good for his health, and I know he csnnot just stop to help me. So, I do not ask it of him. I wish he would, of course, an dhavign beer around all the time challenges me beyond belief sometimes. But he is a great father, nice guy, my best friend, and we agree on so many things in life. It is no tlike i can find another partner like him, and i don't want ot be alone. we have two kids we are still raising.
So, it is easy if you are alone to say you could not live with a drinker, but it is not so easy when parenting children and wehn you really basically get along outside of that issue.
I keep hoping someday he will decide to get healthier by getting sober. He makes other good choices fo rhis health, maybe someday sobriety will be one of those choices.
So, it is easy if you are alone to say you could not live with a drinker, but it is not so easy when parenting children and wehn you really basically get along outside of that issue.
I keep hoping someday he will decide to get healthier by getting sober. He makes other good choices fo rhis health, maybe someday sobriety will be one of those choices.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Boston Massachusetts
Posts: 77
Thanks Rochele. I could have written exactly what you did about my wife and I.
Originally Posted by rochele 
Ron, I get your story. My husband still drinks and he is not angry, belligerant or a blackout drunk. But he drinks too much and it is not good for his health, and I know he csnnot just stop to help me. So, I do not ask it of him. I wish he would, of course, an dhavign beer around all the time challenges me beyond belief sometimes. But he is a great father, nice guy, my best friend, and we agree on so many things in life. It is no tlike i can find another partner like him, and i don't want ot be alone. we have two kids we are still raising.
So, it is easy if you are alone to say you could not live with a drinker, but it is not so easy when parenting children and wehn you really basically get along outside of that issue.
I keep hoping someday he will decide to get healthier by getting sober. He makes other good choices fo rhis health, maybe someday sobriety will be one of those choices.
So, it is easy if you are alone to say you could not live with a drinker, but it is not so easy when parenting children and wehn you really basically get along outside of that issue.
I keep hoping someday he will decide to get healthier by getting sober. He makes other good choices fo rhis health, maybe someday sobriety will be one of those choices.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I am trying to figure out what we have in common besides drinking. We don't have kids. We are both retired, with good separate retirements. I don't know. We have both been drunk so long, I don't even know who we are. I don't know who I am. I hope I like the sober me. Thanks for all the shares. This has been an eye opening thread.
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