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Not Drinking with a Partner who continues to drink

Old 10-07-2013, 09:35 AM
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Not Drinking with a Partner who continues to drink

I was thinking about this on the week end....

I have connected with a lot of folks on SR over the past year..Thank goodness..

I have put my lovely wife through a great deal...and am mending that fence the longer I do not drink..

It occurred to me lots of folks I share with do not have a partner who actively drinks. Yet their are many struggling out there with a partner who still continues to drink, and I mean more than socially.

Curious ..what additional challenges does this present to those of you in this situation and how have you/are you coping? If you like to share..
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Old 10-07-2013, 10:21 AM
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Good question. What I know is that it is hard....not hard so much as his drinking being a trigger for me...but hard in the fact that our life goals are no longer the same. I do not think that I can make a commitment to live with someone who is drinking. I used to think that we would eventually live together (we have been together 4 years) but now I"m not on that page. What I stress about; he does not. What I enjoy, he cannot without a few drinks first. To cope, I let him know he can join me when I plan to do something but I often do things without him. I should be more social with more people like me but I haven't been there yet.
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:15 AM
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Drinking has always been part of a lifestyle that my husband and I share...actually it IS our lifestyle. I was able to stay sober for 5 months 4+ years ago, but the relationship with my husband was miserable, even though everything else in my life improved, that part did not. Just like soberclover said, our life goals were no longer the same so his drinking while I wasn't was probably the reason my sobriety didn't last back then, and why I have not been able to quit drinking since even though I've tried and tried. We've been married way to long to simply call it quits. My hope is to convince him to quit drinking with me. If he doesn't, we may end up living separate lives. I just don't see how an alcoholic can quit drinking while being married to another alcoholic who doesn't...
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:28 AM
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I too am curious how this is going to work. When I didn't drink for 8 days, he kept right on drinking. It killed me. When I get out of rehab, I won't be going back to Utah right away. I want my feet firmly underneath me. I'm going to go be with my family, none of them drink. It was not fun watching him get drunk and acting all weird the more he drank. I don't know how this will play out. But one thing I've heard loud and clear
On SR, my sobriety must be my only and first priority. I do not have enough brain cells to worry about this marriage and my sobriety
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:31 AM
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My partner drinks occasionally and most of the time not around me, and that does not bother me right now. I was a hard liquor drinker, and they drink mostly wine. It is not seeing or being around alcohol that makes me want to drink, it is more my inner anxieties and habits. I am no longer going to drink, and I want to learn how to be around it. My resolution is firm - there will not be another drink in my mouth. I was the one with the problem, and I need to solve it and use my new-found willpower to allow my partner the luxury of having that moderate drink every now and again. Of course, this may change, and it is probably not an OK situation for other recovering problem-drinkers and alcoholics. Just sharing
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:31 AM
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It is funny because before I ever considered giving up drinking, I would think how terrible it would be if my husband decided to stop drinking. My husband is not an alcoholic, but we liked the party scene in our younger days (we met in college) and we always drank on the weekends together before I decided to quit drinking. My husband likes beer and his second choice would be white wine, which neither appeal to me (red wine was always my poison of choice). I asked him to stick to beer for a while because I could see myself getting "desperate" and resorting to white wine. He has drunk a couple of beers here and there when watching sports (which I don't spend much time doing with him anyway), but he really has cut down even more since I quit. I told him I don't want him to do that and I asked him if it bothered him that I was quitting (and I even admitted that in earlier years it would have bothered me if he had quit when I hadn't). He said that we were younger he thinks it would bother him more, but that he really likes the healthy changes we have made in our lives (we started eating healthier and going to yoga together) and that he wants both of us to be respected role models to our children (three of whom are teenagers.) So, I guess I am pretty lucky in these regards. We have a lot of alcoholism on both sides of our family so the warning signs have been flashing for a long time.
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:42 AM
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I drank more than my boyfriend. But he drinks a lot. Every night he has whiskey in bed. I can't stand the smell. He goes through a bottle every two to three days. He also thinks I should be able to just enjoy a couple drinks and then stop for the night. We are in completely different worlds now in regards to alcohol, among so many other things.

He's been physically violent while under the influence.

I have no intentions on building a future with him, there's nothing to build on.

And when I ever date again, it won't be with someone that drinks.
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:44 AM
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My husband drinks very regularly and has, everytime I try to get sober. And the friends we see, also drink, and talk about drinking, make jokes about drinking, etc... We do not actually socialze that foten with them, thankfully, these days. Our kids are younger and we have just fallen a bit out of step due to that putting us in a different pace. We are not as free to go out and leave the kids home alone. But, pretty much, any regretful drunken binge I have had in the past 3 years has been in that crowd. I have had fleeting periods of sobriety, punctuated with moderation, then escalates ot too much, and me reigning it in again.

I really wonder if I can stay sober forever with him having a few beers every night or nearly every night. And, as I type, there are cold ones in the fridge, I am sure. But I am trying to focus on today, each day. Forever is daunting. I am so bored with him on weekends, where he essentially grabs a beer at 5 and keeps going. Usually 7-8 beers. Light by some standards, but he essentially falls asleep at some point. Bleh.

While wine is my preferred drink, I do like a good IPA very much.

I now have a month tomorrow. I hope he will someday follow suit if I can set a good example.
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:54 AM
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My husband still drinks but he is a "normal" drinker. I have beer, wine (red and white), and a full liquor cabinet in my house. We live in a very social neighborhood so not having it for guests would seem strange to me.

I can really only control my own drinking and I love the buzz of being sober more than I like the buzz of being drunk. I have learned to just not drink even if it is readily available.
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Old 10-07-2013, 11:56 AM
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It's seems unfair of me to ask him not to drink around me but I just don't know what else to do
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
It's seems unfair of me to ask him not to drink around me but I just don't know what else to do
I don't think it is unfair at all. If they care about you getting better, they should keep their drinking for when they go out with friends, or have a set night or two. There are many compromises. If I felt uncomfortable with my partner drinking around me, they would absolutely not drink around me.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:07 PM
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It could be a deal breaker.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:20 PM
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Yeah, I do not think my husband can so easily stop, just like it was not so easy for us. I htink he has more than a casual and healthy relationship with alcohol. His drinking has always been a concern to me, before I was drinking so heavily. His lifestyle infuenced me, and with him, my drinking became more frequent and unhealthy. Not his fault, but very enabling. Both of us to one another. So much of what we would do would involve drinking. Music at a club, brew pubs on vacation, wine tours in Napa, etc...brewing at home, wine making at home...wine events. You get the picture.

Me quitting takes all of that away!

He knows I struggled with drinking, but really I think he only realizes it is healthier for me to stop, or moderate strictly. I do not think he can accept that I, or we, are alcoholic in our drinking. Well, how I used to drink. I don't anymore.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:26 PM
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Mine can't accept that we are alcoholics either.
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:40 PM
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S.J., I'm sorry, It is damn hard. I was able to get in 15 years sober living with an active alcoholic. I'm not patting myself on the back here, just want to tell you it can be done. We met as drunks and it was the primary focus of our lives for years. We did love each other very deeply. At first I couldn't understand how she could be so utterly disrespectful of me. At some point it became clear that she was as big of a drunk as I was. After coming to that conclusion I decided after all the hell I put her through I couldn't abandon her. Now along with being drunks we also have a second affliction, we're human!! If someone pushes us one way, we push back the other way. I stopped pushing, even went out and bought her a bottle, which freaked her out. At the same time I set my boundaries. She eventually figured out I wouldn't have any kind of discussion with her if she had been drinking. I wouldn't make love, sex was a very big part of our relationship. She was f-in gorgeous. The bottom line is we had 10 years of relative harmony before she passed.
You are the ONLY one who can make the decision to stay together or not.
Feel free to PM me.

Wishing you all the best'

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Old 10-07-2013, 12:51 PM
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Wow ronf, you did it!
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Old 10-07-2013, 12:56 PM
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I am in the same boat as Raider and Rochele. While I don't think it is unfair for us to ask our partners not to drink, it is unlikely they will since they suffer from the same problem. Ron, I am amazed that you could stay married to an alcoholic. My husband drinks every evening and all weekend long. My only hope is that I can convince him to try to quit.
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:39 PM
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My wife is an alcoholic. She drinks scotch mostly but other hard liquor too. She also smokes. I quit both three years ago. I have no problem staying sober with her scotch in the house, nor not smoking with her carton in the house.

Our marriage has changed. I said from day one that she can drink and smoke around me but I would like her to do what she harangued me about for years. Smoke only outside. Funny but since I quit she has decided that she will smoke inside because I used to smoke inside. Same with her drinking. She says she only drinks two drinks. She fills a glass with ice and about five or six shots of scotch, then a splash of water and a twist, has a couple then passes out for a couple of hours them wakes and goes to bed.

What has happened is that I saw her clearly for the last three years. Her previous harangues were to feel better about her drinking and smoking. See, as long as she drank and smoked less than me, she was convinced she was within bounds. She no longer has that comparison to make, and I am no longer under the influence to not see the childish lies and manipulations that are utterly unnecessary.

No, it is no one's place to try to manipulate another to quit. Or start. I am not in the least tempted. I don't even notice the smokes in one cabinet and the liquor in front of the saltines other than to move them out of the way.

Ronf, I have set my boundaries, and decided not to abandon her as you did yours. Mine started to get pretty mean looking for passive aggressive justification. I told her to go to counseling or go on without me. Looks like I am in for a decade or two also. But it isn't looking too appealing at this point. But like you said, I deserve better, and so did she when I drank. We are not so much human as co-dependent. Being a sober codie sure beats being a drunk one. More entertaining watching the other try to be clever, manipulative, and drunk, all at the same time. As long as they do it friendly or in pouty silence. I may or may not stay. My sobriety was one day at a time, unexpectedly along with my marriage now.
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:49 PM
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Itchy/Ronf thanks for sharing Great posts.
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Old 10-07-2013, 01:49 PM
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Itchy and Ron, I don't know how you do it. It is not the having it around as a temptation that bothers me. I was able to not drink when he did. It was having to deal with him drinking. I just couldn't stand it when I got sober before. The only way I enjoy his company is if I am drinking along side him. I think I would enjoy his company if he were sober beside me even better, but I may never get to find that out.
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