flujays

i'm married, but i still feel alone.

EndGameNYC

Hi flujays.

Without regard to how common the feeling of loneliness is, there's relatively very little about it in the psychological literature. Even the subject of loneliness is lonely when it comes to getting attention from clinicians and researchers.

I don't recall whether or not you're seeing a therapist at the moment, but if not, now might be a good time to start. If nothing else, you'll have at least an hour each week during which you'll have an opportunity to make genuine contact with another, caring human being. Such moments are both rare and fleeting while we're tethered to our everydayness. And you just might feel some relief for having talked about your loneliness in a safe place.

We typically feel that there must be something wrong with us when loneliness is our most familiar partner. The sense that we "don't fit in" suggests that we're different from other people, and not in a good way, further alienating us from true intimacy with others. The experience of loneliness, like many other emotional states, can be very empowering when we're able to reframe our pervasive sense of alonenes and work on making it more of a strength and less of a weakness.

It sounds paradoxical, but many of us refuse to give up emotionally familiar circumstances and conditions, even when holding on adds to our accumulated misery. The fear is grounded, at the very least, in an anticipation that whatever it is that replaces our dark companion will be even worse than what we know so well. We see this every day in abusive relationships, addictions, anxiety and depression, continuing to work at a job that kills us inside...any part of our lifestyle that damages our souls yet we continue to indulge.

I've been at this kind of work for a long time, but I've learned that I'll forever feel pangs of sadness when I know that people who truly need help are so reluctant to do what's necessary to get it.