DoubleDragons

My sister and I figured out my mom is on another bender this weekend. My father is a classic enabler. He will never take action to make her motivated to quit. He still takes her to bars! My husband and I are the only people in our family who refuse to drink with my parents now. I wonder, is my mom just praying someone will be strong and really try to force her into help?!? Or is this just wishful thinking? My mother is in her late 60s and has drank daily for decades but lately she seems to really being going downhill fast. Those of you who were there, particularly bender alcoholics, I would appreciate your insight.

Thanks in advance.

SkyeSea

That's difficult to say - some of the time mine were, on reflection, but at others, I was just too scared to stop as the withdrawals would then start and I was terrified of them.

Dee74

hmmm everyones different and I don't know your mom but no - not for me

benders were the ultimate in self absorption and self indulgence for me - I wasn't interested in help during those times.

D

stephnc

My experience is just like Dee's...benders were all about avoiding other people, not trying to get their attention for help. I don't necessarily think it's your dad's responsibility to give your mother motivation, but it does sound like he's enabling her if he takes her to bars. Have you talked to him about this?

DoubleDragons

I have had many conversations over the last three years or so about my mother's drinking with my father. He agrees with me, promises to work on getting her help, etc. etc. My mother has always been a difficult, angry person before alcohol became a big problem for her. She is very hard to approach, so I think he has just given up. Honestly, I think we all have been a little afraid of her and intimidated by her moods. When I have tried to talk to her, she shuts me out, starts screaming at me, etc. I am just so frustrated that he enables her to the degree that he does. If something happens to him, we are going to such a mess on our hands.

Dee74

Your Dad might get a lot out of al anon - come to think of it, you might too DD?

D

DoubleDragons

Thanks, I have been to a few alanon meetings, but I felt out of place because everyone else seemed to have a spouse/partner who was an alcoholic. I did learn that I need to focus on myself and my issues. I have had possibly the healthiest summer of my life from a mind, body, spirit perspective. I have really changed a lot in my life for the better, so I guess in that sense I am grateful to my mother for being an example of what I do not want to become. (my catalyst for change was witnessing her arriving to Mother's Day brunch, entirely hammered, falling into the restaurant's plants, all for her grandchildren to witness)