ScottFromWI

I apologize for misunderstanding your initial post Ach, both the header and post made it sound like you drank, glad you didn't. It's also good to see you standing strong with your sobriety, despite your epic self loathing and self pity tonight. I know you are seeing a counselor occasionally, have you talked about that ?

foolsgold66

Personally I think little dogs are a PITA, try a medium sized one, get a girl dog, they are much easier to housebreak.

lorelei

Hey Ach, although its something big to you, dont presume others even notice, and any woman worth anything wouldnt let something like that stop her from getting to know you, this self hatred really isn't good, you deserve to feel better than this x

Acheleus

Just walked for two hours. Feel better. Yes my counselor just says I am attractive and she does not offer me tools. I only see her once a week bc she is so busy.I am trying to find someone I can see more often.

I just dont want all white hair in a few years, I would not handle that. Maybe the drinking and smoking did that to my hair.

foolsgold66

Jeez oh pete, ach, i went to highschool with people with gray in their hair. Are you LOOKING for reasons to hate yourself?

I think a beagle is a good medium sized dog. Short hair, happy, everybody loves 'em.

360shoes

Sometimes I was lonely even when I was in a big group of people or even with friends. Me feeling lonely had more to do with me not really knowing what I was feeling. I couldn't really tell the difference between feeling sad or angry or scared. All just felt bad...and lonely.

Once I started opening up with just one person, it helped. Even if I just said I don't know what it is I'm feeling but I don't feel great. By the time I talked it through, I started to get it figured out.

Now I've kind of found that I need to get out of my head if I'm there too much. A nice balance of thinking about myself which I like to see as reflection and time to think about others. I need both.

Just me.

alphaomega

You know the alternative to not growing older right ?

Olive1

But they howl a lot and they chase after what they smell.
Most shelter dogs are wonderful.

You know, you meet a lot of nice people at the dog park.

Indenial618

My mom started to get gray hair at 13 and I'm pretty sure she didn't drink or smoke My husband is 34 and has some gray sprinkled throughout his hair and I find that very attractive, he of course freaked out but when I told him it made him sexier to me, he never mentioned the gray again LOL

I've relapsed so many times in the last 10 years that I cannot pinpoint why I did it really. I look back now thinking that I just didn't want sobriety enough. I used to drink after the kids went to bed because I like to stay up and clean the house when everyone is sleeping and listen to music. So I would think a couple glasses of wine will get me going. Well that was never the case. No matter how many times I tried to keep it to a couple glasses, it always turned into a couple bottles and me completely hating myself and in a state of self loathing when I woke up the next day. I also relapsed when my friends would invite me out for a girls night out because I felt like I was just too boring if I went sober. All these things though were just excuses for me to drink. Non of them really led me to relapse, I was just looking for an excuse to drink and once that excuse got stuck in my head, it would be knocking on my brain every minute until I gave in.

Stay strong. Have you ever been on a dating site? My husband's brother joined one, he's a recovering alcoholic as well. He met a wonderful girl on there (non-alcoholic) but put everything out there on his profile so whoever responded knew exactly what they were getting. They've been together over a year now. Just a suggestion! Just try to stop beating yourself up so much!

Leshar

Hello Acheleus,

I would recommend this book:

"Lonely- Learning to Live with Solitude" by Emily White

I'm re reading it now.

The author, a successful lawyer, describes dealing with severe loneliness, and how she feels that there is no need for the shame and self blame loneliness creates.

She's working on a follow up book currently.
She has a blog which you might find interesting too.

Good luck.

duane1

Do you know that in studies, having white hair is one of the least detrimental things people look at when determining how old someone looks? I actually think people look older when their hair looks noticeably colored or unnatural for their age. When I quit drinking, my hair color didn't change at all, but I sure got a bunch of complements on how great I looked. Nobody could figure out what it was.
To me looking back now, relapses often occur because people don't give sobriety a chance.
What is the longest you have remained sober and if you were sober for a while, did you believe in your own mind at the time that you would never drink again?

StressedMum

I like your determination here - you hate yourself but you cannot drink. I can empathise with that so much.
As for the hair, lots of guys go white/grey young and us gals too. I've been greying since my teens. I dye it. One day I'll let it all grow through and be proud but I'll have to build up to that. At least if yours is natural now, you won't have that hurdle to cross later.

With good wishes from one silver top to another xxx

foolsgold66

Round my house we call the howling 'singing'. My German Shepherd does that a lot. I like it except when I'm on the phone.

-------

Wacky fact time. My wife has 5 different colors in her hair (individual strands) black, white, brown, red, gray). I think its gorgeous.

Acheleus

I want to drink tonight...I don't know why this always happens. I am going to be alone on my birthday.

Indenial618

Don't drink tonight!! With how you are feeling right now, imagine how awful you will tomorrow morning after drinking. You will be in a world of hate. Things will get better. It's early sobriety for both of us. I've been home cleaning all day and the thought of having a glass of wine crossed my mind. Only because I used to clean late a night so I could drink when everyone was sleeping, but now I'm trying to rearrange my schedule and try to be somewhat normal. So cleaning today has triggered me. BUT, I kept thinking about the anxiety and the horrible feeling of the hangover the next morning and it has stopped me and my craving. I don't ever want to feel like that again. It's so hard early on. I was grocery shopping this morning and behind a woman who was buying a bottle of wine and a case of beer. I sat and had this mini fantasy that she was probably buying it because her and her husband were going to have a nice a relazing evening out back on their patio because it's Friday. Then I felt sad because I couldn't do that. Heck, I don't even know if that's what she was buying it for, but my sick mind daydreamed for a minute. It's just plan crazy what this disease does to our thinking and our mind let alone our bodies.

When is your Birthday? Could you spend it with your dad?

foolsgold66

And how will drinking make you not alone?

Acheleus

Going to take a nap

Dee74

I'm assuming your birthday is a few days off yet Ach?

Worrying about it now is a really fast way to lead you into drinking - anything to shut that voice up.

wouldn't it be better to be proactive - invite a few people out for coffee that day or something? something sociable that need not include alcohol?

D

Acheleus

I do not have anyone to call

JaylaaKent

That's why you go to AA - you get tons of numbers- and it's mostly guys in there - don't ask me why. I've seen AA meetings up to 10PM at night. Just show up! That's what I did - bunch of lonely alcoholics, like u, trying NOT TO DRINK.

FYI: My fiance has grey hair and when he quit drinking after 7 years of alcoholism - he lost patches of hair in the back of his head. It grew back - but at least that didn't happen. Grey is treatable - hair dye.