Exhausted with self-hatred...
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Originally Posted by neferkamichael 
Instead of appreciating my sobriety, I'm always telling myself, Well ya shoulda been doin this to start with. . 
If you figure out how to over come it, please post it. Rootin for ya
Thank you, Michael) And I will surely post it...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: west Coast
Posts: 71
Hi MB,
What if-----the answer is a spiritual one----acceptance and forgiveness
from "outside" of yourself.
What if-----it has already happened? And is yours to discover.
Sobriety really isn't an end in itself. It is merely "not drinking".
Most people on the planet do not have a drinking problem and
still are plagued with the many of the same issues that you mentioned.
Drinking merely creates another layer of despair on top of the human condition, where problems exist even without alcohol.
So is it better not to drink?--absolutely, but sobriety only puts you on a different path than the "drunk highway". It is not a solution in and of itself, but perhaps the start of a journey with a whole different destination---or even a lot of possible destinations.
Keep searching, I suspect that something will turn up!
What if-----the answer is a spiritual one----acceptance and forgiveness
from "outside" of yourself.
What if-----it has already happened? And is yours to discover.
Sobriety really isn't an end in itself. It is merely "not drinking".
Most people on the planet do not have a drinking problem and
still are plagued with the many of the same issues that you mentioned.
Drinking merely creates another layer of despair on top of the human condition, where problems exist even without alcohol.
So is it better not to drink?--absolutely, but sobriety only puts you on a different path than the "drunk highway". It is not a solution in and of itself, but perhaps the start of a journey with a whole different destination---or even a lot of possible destinations.
Keep searching, I suspect that something will turn up!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Are you open to 12-step recovery? There are steps that can help you deal with some of the self-hatred and self-esteem, and negative emotional issues.
Just a suggestion.
Congrats on the time you already have!
Just a suggestion.
Congrats on the time you already have!
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Blackcat - thank you, good food for thought and interesting point... Though not sure what is meant by 'acceptance and forgiveness from "outside" of yourself." And I kind of disagree that sobriety is "merely not drinking". IMHO merely not drinking is merely not drinking, but sobriety embraces more than that. At least to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I completely agree. I had this fantasy that if I got sober, all my problems would just go away. That I wouldn't be that self-centered a-hole who lied and manipulated everyone. Boy was I wrong. I was sober, sure, but I was still that a-hole. And even worse, I was actually aware of it. It's only been through working my program to the best of my abilities that I have started to change as person. I haven't lied in months. I no longer manipulate. I try so hard to be kind to others. And yet, I still find myself sometimes slipping back into old behaviors. But I take my inventory and make apologies if necessary. I am trying my best. THAT, to me, is sobriety.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Originally Posted by digdug
I completely agree. I had this fantasy that if I got sober, all my problems would just go away. That I wouldn't be that self-centered a-hole who lied and manipulated everyone. Boy was I wrong. I was sober, sure, but I was still that a-hole. And even worse, I was actually aware of it. It's only been through working my program to the best of my abilities that I have started to change as person. I haven't lied in months. I no longer manipulate. I try so hard to be kind to others. And yet, I still find myself sometimes slipping back into old behaviors. But I take my inventory and make apologies if necessary. I am trying my best. THAT, to me, is sobriety.
Though I suspected that this question would pop up at some place, I honestly hoped that this cry of my soul will escape being the field of praising of one of the methods of recovery...
I never had fantasies that my problems will disappear, neither I lied or manipulated anyone.
And I believe it's completely inappropriate to make these a-hole parallels here..
Please, guys, for crying out loud, have some respect for others. Sobriety is not monopoly. If you have nothing to say on the subject, do not come out with unsolicited preaching.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Mars
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
I am moving close to one year of sobriety. I love it. It's the best gift I could give myself, the best way I could show my love to myself. It's the best way to live and enjoy life.
However, I still can't get rid of violent and fierce self-hatred.
Self-hatred didn't arise from my addiction. I never harmed anyone but myself with it. No one ever knew I had a problem. I was "highly functional", highly responsible, ready to shoulder any burden... Rather self-hatred was one of the major causes of it. Born years and years ago it grew up into a huge fat monster, so damn self-assertive and cocky, armed with all the "good intentions" and progressively paving the road to my emotional every day hell.
I know where it comes from, and still feel helpless about it. After 10 years of counselling, which helped a lot, but still I see this ugly face of self-hatred every moment of my life.
I feel like I am doomed to it., something that can never be changed - like eyes color or other items of DNA.
I've done a lot of "inner work" during this sobriety time - facing my dragons, sorting out emotional issues, learning how to deal with pain without being numbed.
But some how this battle starts every day again and again. Over and over.
Today I fell like I am ready to give up. Because I am absolutely exhausted fighting negative emotions, hatred and diminishing thoughts attacking my own self.
I know - the solution rests inside me. All the kind words and encouragement in the world are just swallowed by this black hole which needs more and more, nipping off bites of my soul in constant torture.
Just needed to vent out...
Thank you all for reading this.
Have a great sober Sunday.
However, I still can't get rid of violent and fierce self-hatred.
Self-hatred didn't arise from my addiction. I never harmed anyone but myself with it. No one ever knew I had a problem. I was "highly functional", highly responsible, ready to shoulder any burden... Rather self-hatred was one of the major causes of it. Born years and years ago it grew up into a huge fat monster, so damn self-assertive and cocky, armed with all the "good intentions" and progressively paving the road to my emotional every day hell.
I know where it comes from, and still feel helpless about it. After 10 years of counselling, which helped a lot, but still I see this ugly face of self-hatred every moment of my life.
I feel like I am doomed to it., something that can never be changed - like eyes color or other items of DNA.
I've done a lot of "inner work" during this sobriety time - facing my dragons, sorting out emotional issues, learning how to deal with pain without being numbed.
But some how this battle starts every day again and again. Over and over.
Today I fell like I am ready to give up. Because I am absolutely exhausted fighting negative emotions, hatred and diminishing thoughts attacking my own self.
I know - the solution rests inside me. All the kind words and encouragement in the world are just swallowed by this black hole which needs more and more, nipping off bites of my soul in constant torture.
Just needed to vent out...
Thank you all for reading this.
Have a great sober Sunday.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
I have no advice to you.
You write good posts I have identified with many and enjoyed others enormously – there is no question about it you deserve to have (at least a couple) of uncomplicated happy days with out any struggle, just enjoying live.
With your spirit I am sure you will find them.
You write good posts I have identified with many and enjoyed others enormously – there is no question about it you deserve to have (at least a couple) of uncomplicated happy days with out any struggle, just enjoying live.
With your spirit I am sure you will find them.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
I too was ruled by self hatred for a long time. I understand how strong those feelings can be. All the people on earth could have told me I was worthy but I'd never believe it.
But I've been working on it with my counselor and am making progress. Is some kind of therapy a possibility for you?
I truly wish for some peace of mind for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Well...
Though I suspected that this question would pop up at some place, I honestly hoped that this cry of my soul will escape being the field of praising of one of the methods of recovery...
I never had fantasies that my problems will disappear, neither I lied or manipulated anyone.
And I believe it's completely inappropriate to make these a-hole parallels here..
Please, guys, for crying out loud, have some respect for others. Sobriety is not monopoly. If you have nothing to say on the subject, do not come out with unsolicited preaching.
Though I suspected that this question would pop up at some place, I honestly hoped that this cry of my soul will escape being the field of praising of one of the methods of recovery...
I never had fantasies that my problems will disappear, neither I lied or manipulated anyone.
And I believe it's completely inappropriate to make these a-hole parallels here..
Please, guys, for crying out loud, have some respect for others. Sobriety is not monopoly. If you have nothing to say on the subject, do not come out with unsolicited preaching.
I had no intention of preaching. I have no right to tell anyone what to do or how to live their lives. But rereading my post, I can see how it may have a certain tone and I appreciate you for pointing that out. Like I said, sometimes I slip back into old behaviors.
I can only wish the best for you and everyone else here.
So again, Midnight, I am sorry. The last thing I would ever want is to get in the way of someone's recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
Oh my, this hit me hard. It's me. I get this. Total self hatred and doubt. I need to love myself but I have no idea how when I hate myself so much! I can't live like this anymore! I don't want to feel this way anymore! But it keeps catching me, it's always there. I feel such an idiot all the time, and I don't like to be in the world, I like to hide from it and drink it away, but it won't go!
I really hope you are able to combat this, and please let us know how you get on as I'd be really interested
Thanks
Sicknote
I really hope you are able to combat this, and please let us know how you get on as I'd be really interested
Thanks
Sicknote
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
I don't always post a lot in Newcomer's but I wanted thank you for posting this. Your honest, heartfelt words help me, too, because I feel less alone. I am deeply sorry that you feel this way but I could have easily written your post. Self-hatred is one of my deepest issues and wounds and rears its head constantly. I am trying through nanosteps (much smaller than baby steps) to work on this and change it and I have faith that you can too. I hope you know that you are not alone and that all of these beautiful posts of love and support will pierce through to your heart so you will know that they are correct and true!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hey MB...such a lot of love and support for you here...
Lots of people telling you how much your words have influenced them. HeadLump said that you inspired her to join and start posting... Can you see the bigger picture?
We can't all be wrong. You can't have fooled us all. You are one heck of a lovely woman MB. And it's not just me who thinks so.
Lots of love xxx
Lots of people telling you how much your words have influenced them. HeadLump said that you inspired her to join and start posting... Can you see the bigger picture?
We can't all be wrong. You can't have fooled us all. You are one heck of a lovely woman MB. And it's not just me who thinks so.
Lots of love xxx
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
Sweetie, you have said it yourself, you read the loving words and they warm you, but deep inside you believe you are not worthy of them.
The voice you hear is not yours. You have just heard it and believed it for so long, you now 'own' it. But this voice is not you. If only you could believe that and separate it from yourself in the way you have been able to with the AV.it is just as poisonous, just as destructive and works n your weaknesses in just the same way that AV does. You can chose to ignore the voice, tell it to go to he[[. Every time you feel yourself listening to it, read some of the positive responses you have had from those here who care about you, and who are not bad judges of character. You are a beautiful woman, strong and caring, your support and consideration shines through your posted responses to others: None of that is a lie is it? Of course it isn't! So if you genuinely care for others in ther way you do, then you are equally worthy of love. Xx L
The voice you hear is not yours. You have just heard it and believed it for so long, you now 'own' it. But this voice is not you. If only you could believe that and separate it from yourself in the way you have been able to with the AV.it is just as poisonous, just as destructive and works n your weaknesses in just the same way that AV does. You can chose to ignore the voice, tell it to go to he[[. Every time you feel yourself listening to it, read some of the positive responses you have had from those here who care about you, and who are not bad judges of character. You are a beautiful woman, strong and caring, your support and consideration shines through your posted responses to others: None of that is a lie is it? Of course it isn't! So if you genuinely care for others in ther way you do, then you are equally worthy of love. Xx L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
MB...I am like Jeni...been looking for your posts today...
I am sorry you are struggling...I am so pleased to see the warm responses for you on this thread....tootsl...well, I wish I could have said as well as she did....
You have helped at times more than you can know......
Thinking of you...
Jim
I am sorry you are struggling...I am so pleased to see the warm responses for you on this thread....tootsl...well, I wish I could have said as well as she did....
You have helped at times more than you can know......
Thinking of you...
Jim
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you all, IMMENSELY for kind and warm words. They helped me a lot to survive through tough yesterday while making my first step to deal with family issues.
I am ok... more or less. I just can't be not ok with such a great support)
I am ok... more or less. I just can't be not ok with such a great support)
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey MB...thank for the honest post. It scares me a little since I relate very much with it yet I'm a ways back in my sobriety. I suppose I'm guilty of hoping that a year of sobriety will find me in some sort of lovely zen garden impervious to both myself and others.
I know I am my own worst enemy but my spiritual explorations continue to help with that. I am trying to build a new roadmap where what I once valued (and measured myself against) is not quite so all consuming. I will never be thin enough, toned enough, rich enough, kind enough, smart enough, young enough etc etc etc ad nauseum.
But hopefully I am able to "connect" enough with others on the journey to either assist them or allow them to assist me. Releasing judgement or both myself and others is a continuous and arduous work in progress.
I know I am my own worst enemy but my spiritual explorations continue to help with that. I am trying to build a new roadmap where what I once valued (and measured myself against) is not quite so all consuming. I will never be thin enough, toned enough, rich enough, kind enough, smart enough, young enough etc etc etc ad nauseum.
But hopefully I am able to "connect" enough with others on the journey to either assist them or allow them to assist me. Releasing judgement or both myself and others is a continuous and arduous work in progress.
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