MidnightBlue

I am moving close to one year of sobriety. I love it. It's the best gift I could give myself, the best way I could show my love to myself. It's the best way to live and enjoy life.

However, I still can't get rid of violent and fierce self-hatred.

Self-hatred didn't arise from my addiction. I never harmed anyone but myself with it. No one ever knew I had a problem. I was "highly functional", highly responsible, ready to shoulder any burden... Rather self-hatred was one of the major causes of it. Born years and years ago it grew up into a huge fat monster, so damn self-assertive and cocky, armed with all the "good intentions" and progressively paving the road to my emotional every day hell.

I know where it comes from, and still feel helpless about it. After 10 years of counselling, which helped a lot, but still I see this ugly face of self-hatred every moment of my life.

I feel like I am doomed to it., something that can never be changed - like eyes color or other items of DNA.

I've done a lot of "inner work" during this sobriety time - facing my dragons, sorting out emotional issues, learning how to deal with pain without being numbed.

But some how this battle starts every day again and again. Over and over.

Today I fell like I am ready to give up. Because I am absolutely exhausted fighting negative emotions, hatred and diminishing thoughts attacking my own self.

I know - the solution rests inside me. All the kind words and encouragement in the world are just swallowed by this black hole which needs more and more, nipping off bites of my soul in constant torture.

Just needed to vent out...

Thank you all for reading this.

Have a great sober Sunday.

Jeni26

MB, I so wish I had the words to influence the way you see yourself. You are amongst the kindest people I've ever 'met' on SR with your words and loving support for others, and absolutely the harshest self critic!

How can I help you to see yourself the way others see you? I've known you a while now, we've supported each other through our various struggles with addiction of one sort or another. I don't know if you quite realise what a strong positive influence you've been on me.

Don't you dare give up!! Things are NEVER impossible to change. Yes, your self-esteem issues run deep, they will take time to alter for good. But it can be done. Maybe time to look at different types of counselling...I've had/am having various types and, as things are revealed for me, the strategies change.

This journey we are on...it's a lifelong one. We don't reach a destination where we are fixed and are never doubtful again. We take small steps every day. Sometimes they are so small we can't even recognise them as progress. But they are.

For me MB, the first year of sobriety was all about quitting the drink. The second year is about discovering the real me, accepting myself and learning how to live a peaceful and happy existence.

You just hang in there now... It will get better. And besides, you're my badass pal. We just don't give up do we?xxxxx

Dee74

I agree with Jeni's character assessment MB

I know what it's like tho - I hated myself for forty years - some of that hatred was drummed into me, and some of it I made myself...but it bubbled and stewed away there for decades.

I can't tell you when things started getting better exactly, but it was in my 2nd year.

I changed, I grew, I really became close to being who I wanted to be, and as comfortable with all parts of me as I think I'm likely to get.

I finally let go of my own neck and forgave myself my past transgressions, real and imagined - not forgotten, but forgiven.

I have a life full of meaning and joy and gratitude...and peace.

I wish the same for you too MB - cos you deserve it

D

instant

i can understand what you are saying. I think self acceptance is a journey. I dont understand how to make it happen. Doing a daily gratitude has really helped me.

lorelei

So sorry you feel this way mb, I wish there was a magic cure, pill, if so, so many of us would have used it too.

Don't let that inner voice take you over, keep fighting it, one day you'll see at least some of what good people see in you is there.
X

MidnightBlue

Thank you, guys. You are best)

It's just like... Though your words get to my heart and deeply resonate with me... This inner voice is so loud that keeps telling me: "Oh, come on. They don't know "real" your. You are a monster deep inside. Just masquerading very skillfully".

lorelei

A horrible feeling mb, one thats led me to drink then self harm and push a lot of good people away, all we can do is keep fighting it and try so hard to believe , maybe they see the true us, and its us that don't. ?..just maybe.

Xx

Dee74

Noones that good an actor MB

I stand by my assessment

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Dee). I smiled...

Sparkos

I don't know you MB and I can't offer any practical advice, but You seem to take the time to send caring advice and offer help to people as you did for me. Your self assessment is not accurate and I know that it's easy for your inner voice to dismiss other people's view on you.
All i can to is offer you my best wishes and love.
Take care and learn to love yourself for what others can see is your true beauty.

afloatsober

Thank you for this.
It was also drummed into me at an early age that i was 'no good' and it has taken me many years to begin to see myself differently.
A thousand people could tell me i am worth a life, but i would listen to the one who said you are bad!!!!!!
For many years i returned to drinking on these feelings.
When i stopped drinking i expected to transform into some kind of saint.
LOL. This didn't happen, but i now choose to trust and believe in those who believe in me.
I have been told that i will be loved until i learn to love myself......
Please give time, time and believe in those on here that believe in you.
It will get better.
G

P.S Dee's post could have been describing me, only much more succinctly!
There is the experience of it getting better. It gives me hope and hope it does you Midnight.
G

Jeni26

Someone much wiser than me on SR said something to me once that has stayed with me... One day when I was feeling like I couldn't go on, when I couldn't ever see myself moving past the rut of negative thinking I'd gotten myself into, she told me simply to have faith. I went into a rant about how my faith in a future wasn't strong enough, that I couldn't trust my feelings, how was it that I was trying so hard and wasn't feeling any better etc... She told me not to worry, that she had faith strong enough for us both. She asked me did I have faith in HER faith? Yes, I guess I did. I'd always admired it. She to me is an example of someone coming from the harshest of backgrounds and who is now living a life full of joy and peace. If I ever felt a jot of self pity for 'my stuff', I only have to think of her and it pales into insignificance. Yet, today she has turned her life around. She always knew she could...she had faith. And I'm not talking about a religious faith, just a self-belief so strong that it carried her through. Not arrogance, not over confidence, just faith that in the end all would be well. She told me she knew I would be ok too. I learned to trust in what she said, and my own faith is growing as a result.

You will be ok MB, I know it. And if your own faith isn't strong right now, trust in mine xxx

afloatsober

Wanna say thanks Dee.
What you said just resonates so much.
At my treatment center one of the therapists said 'Gary do you know what the team here wish for you? That one day you wake up and realize what a wonderful man you are'.
That was 3 years ago and your post reminded me of it!
I had forgotten it in my mire of self loathing.....
Proves a point , and heartfelt thanks for stirring the the memory....
More positive day ahead.
G

MidnightBlue

Thank you...

AfloatSober - I so wish I wake up on day in that state of mind.. I do hope time will help if I give myself I chance. Hugs to you)

Jeni - thank you so much, my pal. I will certainly use your faith - mine's wings are just broken right now...

jazzfish

MB, Thank you so much for posting this thread. I am glad that it was the first one I chose to read this morning. Underneath my initial "feeling good" part of early sobriety is a stew of self-hatred, embarrassment and frustration for me. There is also my father standing at the ready to 'jokingly' remind me of every failure, too - all the way back to childhood. I refuse to add to this any longer and will move forward no matter how painful because I know at my core I am a good person.

I have no advice to add, but I want to say thank you for your honesty and courage to post what you did. It reminds me of how supportive this community is as we undertake the hard work and struggles of moving into sobriety. Thank you. You have really helped me this morning.

HeadLump

Oh, MB. I am so sorry that you feel like this, but I do understand.

I've been following your exchange with Jeni in the secular section and I have absolute admiration for the way you have opened up and discussed your feelings, am in awe of the beautiful way in which you express them, and am blown away by the fact that you've never given up trying to make yourself - and your life - as 'good' as it possibly can be. That thread has helped me through many lows and, indeed, it encouraged me to join SR

Reading through all the posts on this site has made me truly appreciate that we may have problems with alcohol (and other things) but we are not bad people. The posters here, including you, are some of the wisest, truest, strongest and most human people I can ever imagine, and I am proud to bits to be among such company

I do so wish you could really feel and know the wonderful capacity you have to touch and inspire others.

Jeni said it best in her amazing post. Please believe her xxx

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Jazzfish and HeadLump. Glad if I could help in some way...

I hold tight to all your warm words, my SR mates, like to a life saver thrown to me among this perfect storm of negative waves that are sinking me...

AugustWest11

wish I had an answer for ya MB; as you helped me so much But alas I don't; but do understand & feel your pain .. Try an not focus on that monster so much and work towards diminishing the thoughts; maybe you are just feeding into it too Much .. Not sure if that is the answer; but hey ya gotta try something right

MidnightBlue

Thank you, August.

I think it's a good point about feeding it too much... The damn beast just seems to know some by-passes to the feeder...

P.S. Congrats to your week of sobriety. Keep it up)

neferkamichael

MidnightBlue, However, I still can't get rid of violent and fierce self-hatred. What you describe dominates my thinking. Instead of appreciating my sobriety, I'm always telling myself, Well ya shoulda been doin this to start with. If you figure out how to over come it, please post it. Rootin for ya.