autan

I am the master of deception, I managed to conceal my drinking from my Wife, Son, in fact everyone. I would leave empty bottles of booze hidden all around the house and then when everyone was out, I would take them to the public bins.

I was best at deceiving myself, I told myself, I could stop anytime I wanted and that what real harm was I doing.

Last Thursday in one of my late night "working" sessions, I drank an entire bottle of Grants Scotch Whiskey 1 litre. I must have passed out, because I woke up at 3am in the morning with blood in my sick.

Were not talking banged your mouth and a bit of light coloured blood, were talked dark old clotted blood. I took care of business as usual covered my tracks and had the mother of all hangovers on Friday. I called in sick to work again !

I was sick most of friday and went to the doctors and asked for help quitting. He told me that I hadnt hit bottom yet and there was no point wasting his time until I had.

Naturally I came home and had a few drinks. On Sunday, I decided I was going to quit for real, but at night time during one of my "working" sessions, I couldnt resist the urge to stop. I couldnt get enough booze in me, if when I felt sick I kept drinking.

Monday came and somehow found this website, dont ask me how I dont know. i realised that there must be millions of people struggling with the same problem I was, anyway it gave me a little hope.

On Monday, I went to the gym, came home and cup of chinese jasmine tea (extra strong), then forced myself to go to bed.

I did the same yesterday and I intend to the same today.

I still have the urge to drink, but I am drinking tea as a replacement.

I have been sober for 3 days, not a drop. I dont know how but this site gave me the strength.

I stopped smoking around 5 years ago and it took a month for me to forget about wanting a cigarette, can some body please tell me how long it will take for me to feel the same way about not wanting a drink of booze.

This site is the best and I have pledged to myself that if I can go a week without a drink, then I will buy myself a new watch with the money saved.

If I can go a month without drinking, then I will buy myself a new coat and if I can go a year without drinking I will buy myself a new car.

Drinking is ruining my life, I have never felt so depressed with wanting to stop on Sunday and then reaching for the bottle again. Puking up on Monday morning, I told myself, remember this moment, every time you want a drink, remember what this feels like. Throwing up on an empty stomach, with nothing coming out just spit and blood.

I have to stay sober for me. I am no good to my family, business or society the way I was and I do enjoy waking up and not being sick all the time.

Thanks to everyone on this site for sharing your experiences, they help me at least realise that it is not just me who struggles with this demon drink.

13unluckyforsom

Hi welcome to SR. Congratulations on your decision - you've taken a big leap of faith in yourself and should pat yourself on the back for having the courage to do this.

I can't really answer your question about how you will feel long term but what I will say is that your life will be so much less complicated and you are bound to be less anxious - for a start you won't have to hide bottles and phone in sick due to hangovers. You won't have to be retching on an empty stomach (horrid isn't it?) you will wake up with a clean conscience and no crazy panic over what you may have said or done. No one ever regrets waking up sober

FourSeasons

Welcome aboard autan! You will find a lot of support here.

One thing I learned here, and it has been extremely helpful, is the next time you get an urge to drink, then you should think the drink through. Think to yourself what will most likely happen if you have that one drink.

My suggestion to you is to memorize your above quote and ask yourself, "Do I really want to go back to that"?

It works for me anyway!

Best to you, 4S

FourSeasons

BTW 13, I love this quote! So true!!!

llastchance8

Welcome aboard Autan.. Great job done for three days..

You have landed at the right place.. We are so glad that you found us.

Was really surprized to know what you doctor had to say about reaching bottom .. If you had a small ulcer in your stomach , would he have said that wait till it becomes a big hole and then we will treat the same ? What a joke !! Do not ever go to him again for anything ..Yes , if you face serious withdrawal symptoms , you must seek medical help from the competent doctors.

You are on the right track.. You know what alcohol does to our life , to our loved ones and every one around us.

Stick around and keep browsing this forum site. It is a great help for all of us..

autan

No I dont want to go back to hiding bottles and waking up sick with a banging headache. I left this out of my OP, but I cried on Monday after my failed start because I just realised to myself that I thought I could stop anytime I wanted and I was one in control. The Government with all their advice about units of alcohol, I told myself they just want us to cut down so they can tax alcohol but not pay for the NHS to put things right. How ludicrous it seems now sober.

I have known 2 close friends die from alcoholic liver disease but I told myself, they were in a different league to me. But last week, I realised after the Doctor refused to help me, I have so much to gain from stopping and really nothing to lose from being sober. I mean I am sober right now, a little tender and struggling emotionally after years of numbing my emotions with "tipsiness".

But I feel there is a little gap/distance between who I am right now and who I was. I do not want to go back to that, I can't.

autan

Many thanks, thats good advice in intend to take.

autan

Yes it is horrid. I havent regretted waking up sober yet.

13unluckyforsom

Your doc should have helped you. What did they say to you?

misspond

Hey there Autan, kudos to you for 3 days sober. It's definitely worth reading through lots of threads here. Reading what's been written by others family members, reading about the different methods people here have used, really understanding what it means to come here and be supported - it's all good.

As for how long it will take you to work your way through this? Maybe just do a lot of reading here and get some clues from others - we're all different, and there are great many ways of working through this. Everyone here is doing the best they can, and everyone here is rooting for you.

autan

I made an appointment and told him, I want to stop drinking. He asked me how many units of alcohol I consumed per week. I said in excess of a hundred. He said that he has seen people like me before "scheduled drinkers" he said and said, that it would be a waste of his time to offer me any help until I had reached rock bottom, only because I would just continue to drink.

I felt I reached out a hand for help and it was slapped away.

I will changed doctors now after this and my main priority for today is to work hard, go to the gym and to drink my cup of extra sting chinese jasmine tea, then go to bed without touching a drop of alcohol.

Nothing right now is more important.

autan

Thank you, it really and sincerely does mean a lot. It also helps that others are struggling and winning battles too.

soberjim

Autan...welcome to SR....this is a great place...lots to read here...and you are correct....everyone of us can relate.

Make sure you have medical help....sounds to me like you are ready to move forward...

Personally I moved back and forth from not drinking to drinking for a long time and am no expert...I have 8 weeks sober and can say only now are the cravings are only now getting manageable.....

Lot of folks use AA...personally I find posting on SR everyday and the connections I have made here to be helping me the most....

You have a long road ahead...everyday your AV (alcoholic voice) is going to give you reasons to keep drinking...remember you are starving it by not giving that part of your brain what it so desperately wants...alcohol...so expect a fight....it will convince you of many things....the important thing..in my experience is to keep focus...the reasons you don't want alcohol in your life...

Personally..I have a brother who is an alcoholic....for him there is no struggle..he has simply given in...it is an incredibly sad for those of us around him....

For me..the struggle was and is hard....but I feel so much better after 8 weeks...
The same will be true for you...

Consider joining the September thread ...for support...

Best wishes.

Jim

gatorgirl67

Hi Autan, I'm on day 3, and come here every day...hang in there and let this site help you, wonderful people here who care!!

nomis

Hi Autan, thanks for sharing and congratulations on 3 days! As alcoholics we here all know what huge accomplishment that is. Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back and commit to not drinking tomorrow.

I don't really have anything to add, just that you're story reminded me how utterly and completely exhausting it is to be an addict. Takes so much work and energy, doesn't it?

After living like that for 18 years I'm so happy I don't anymore. You don't have to either, stick around and you'll get heaps of support trying to get healthy and sober.

Amajorityofone

Hello.

I stopped smoking cigarettes for good in 1995. I don't know about you but for me it wasn't until around 1999 that I found myself saying things like "I haven't thought about smoking a cigarette in months"

I went stone cold sober 11 months ago. No alcohol. No drugs. No nuthin. It's very similar to nicotine in that the cravings still come, but they are becoming fewer and further between. Rewarding yourself is important, but not nearly as important as strengthening your mind and body on a daily basis for the war you are about to wage against the beast that still lives inside of you. Yesterday I read for an hour, bicycled 9-10 miles, did 12 shoulder presses, 13 pull ups, 40 push ups, and 100 sit ups and that's my bare minimum.

I don't believe in letting my guard down. I believe in nurturing the things I want to grow, and starving the things I want to die. We must never forget that alcoholism has a lifetime to wait for a moment of weakness.

I find myself doing the same thing, setting up 'treats" ahead of my path only to find that when i reach the proverbial tree, I'd rather go deeper into the forest of my sobriety. These days, I'd rather work on my garden, order a good book from Amazon or go get a simple massage then waste a ton of money on something I don't need.

These lyrics have become my personal anthem.
Hopefully one day they'll become yours too

"Devil and the deep blue sea behind me. Vanish in the air you'll never find me. I will turn your face to alabaster. When you find your servant is your master. And you'll be wrapped around my finger."

The Police- Wrapped around your finger.

tgirl

whoo boy!, you deffo need a new doctor. But besides that, I'm glad you are here, stay close....

Mentium

Welcome Autan. I drink in a similar pattern to yourself: quietly, secretly and without people knowing how much I actually consumed. This went on for decades, literally. I similarly found my doctor unhelpful - though perhaps not as blatantly as yours!..mine referred me on to a 'team' which wasn't much help at all. My experience is that 'professionals' really don't understand addiction very well.

AA did it for me - warts and all - and I am now on day 23 sober and feeling that I am beginning to leave, not a friend, but a deadly enemy, behind me.

Mountainmanbob

this doctor (((if you told him all the facts)))
sounds to be a possible clown

Mountainman

happyhour

autan, thanks for the post and your honesty. welcome to SR!

for me, the "pre-occupation" stopped before the "cravings" stopped. pre-occupation was specifically annoying, because of all the planning, thinking, designing i did around alcohol, when we stop, all these thoughts cease, and you feel immediate freedom. the cravings plaque on for awhile longer, it sounds like you are DONE - so, congratulations, enjoy day 4 with a clear head, pure heart and steady hands.