AugustWest11

Have workers coming over for the bathroom; so just saying hey I'm alive for now lol

ImperfectlyMe

Alive is good

lorelei

hope you are alive a bit longer than just today aw!

EndGameNYC

Honestly, August, I've been wishing you well from the beginning and have been supportive of your efforts. Checking in here each day is terrific. Nothing sadder than to have someone check in, only to disappear after a couple of days, and then not be heard from again until after a relapse.

My biggest concern with you is that you seem to be placing so many other things before getting help in your sobriety. That gives me an uneasy feeling in my gut. Though that's obviously my problem and not yours, I do hope you can find a way to get more in-person and immediate support.

More specifically, your sobriety seems to be hanging by a thread, a thread that's weighted down with your unresolved relationship and your living accommodations. If all that blows up, I don't see a support network in place for you that you can easily access and from which you can get real and timely support.

AugustWest11

TYVM End .. I know you have been very supportive through my journey; no matter how much I have dragged it out .. If my living arrangements "blow up" and all as you say; I am screwed; plain and simple .. Hence I bend over backwards to help around here anyway I can .. If I "lose" this place to stay; my only other recourse is to go to my home state .. Where as I have said; it's over I will have given up and be done w\ sobriety Sad I say it like that and very said to type it .. but I know me ..

ImperfectlyMe

Smile today August! Really smile as silly as saying I'm alive..... There is really a lot to be thankfully for in that tiny little phrase. I truly hope the sun shines on you today if just for a moment

ScottFromWI

Why would you give up before you even got there AW? Not saying you are going to have to do move, but it is a real possibility, right? You have to plan for it. And you have to plan for sobriety no matter where you might end up living. Many don't even have the luxury you do of even having a "backup" place to go to - you should be thankful that you do. It would be your choice to start drinking if you moved back there, just as it is where you live now.

As we've mentioned before, sobriety has to be your absolute number 1 priority over EVERYTHING else. That means over your living situation, over your ex, over your ex's mother, over your back pain, over your doctor, over your red tape with your disability pay, over anything else I didn't mention in that list. Then ant ONLY then, will you get sober.

AugustWest11

Thanx IM it is shining and burning bright today .. Not sure if that is good or bad cause it is pushing 90 in septemeber lol But TY very much .. I am enjoying it .. Just found out the workers won't be here till about 4'ish so that gives me 4 hours to kill LoL

AugustWest11

Thanx Scott; you have been so supportive as well .. But my sobriety can not be #1 if things like a roof over my head and eating and surviving are on that list .. I am sorry to put it that way; But having a roof over my head and food in my belly out weighs anything else .. I am sober now; plan to keep fighting and will see where it leads me .. but as for "dropping" everything and making it #1; in the real world that can not happen I am sorry if you can not agree or see my point; But it just can't .. The minute I do that and give up on being concerned about my living arrangements; then I would be homeless ... And I am sure at that point I would be drinking & most likely drugging ..

AW

serious

best of luck to you... and keep on going.

i agree with what EndGameNYC had said.
you must find a way (a set of tools to help you stay sober). you need support.

some people find great help with AA program.
start building up your "toolbox" of ways to keep sober.
anything from going for a walk to doing something productive. keep your mind occupied with things other than drinking.

MidnightBlue

Hi, August)

I think it's time to change your vocabulary; why to kill 4 hours? 4 hours to enjoy - good weather, reading, this moment which exists now.

What? No, no BUTs here. Enjoy). Future doesn't exist yet. Now does.

Take care)

AugustWest11

Thanx serious, I have been doing the best I can in my situation. My TB is slowly becoming full Already have projects planned for next week's down time.

AW

EndGameNYC

I didn't read anyone here recommending that you abandon the work you do to maintain safe living accommodations. Most of us have competing demands in our lives. The suggestion was more about setting priorities, where staying sober for you now appears to be running a distant second to everything else.

I'd bet most people here would tell you that will power and determination can only take us only so far.

ScottFromWI

I think perhaps then we just see things differently in the end then. In my view, if you can't make sobriety your #1 priority, then you probably won't ever attain it fully. And when I say that I don't mean you should completely neglect other things such as your job or place of residence, but you cannot use your living situation or place of residence ( or anything else ) as an EXCUSE for why you drink.

I do wish you the best of luck as always.

AugustWest11

I am not trying to use my "situation" as an excuse for why I drink; I drink b\c I am a lush, drunk, alcoholic whatever you want to call me .. It is my choice when I pick up the bottle to avoid my problems .. MY choice; I realize that and I have come to fully accept it .. I am not happy nor thrilled w\ that realization .. It is a responsibility I never wanted to accept but have since joining this site.

Not sure if I misunderstood your suggesting or misread them .. But I am doing the best I can w\ the hand I have drawn for myself .. I know it is all on me; plain an simple .. I am working on plans now & know I need outside help .. I am and have been taking steps to help if I am forced back to my home town even .. I just know me and know where things will be best .. Again Scott; I TY and I so have tons of respect for you and your comments ...

AW

lorelei

wlell done on day 2 aw, keep taking it one day, one hour at a time, life throws all sorts at us but without drink its actually easier to cope, alcohol is just another problem x keep strong

EndGameNYC

I get that. People here are encouraging you to engage your struggles in a different way because we've been where you are, and we all want the best for you.

Reading your comments and those of at least one other person here about whom I care enough to follow, I can't help but think of a very old quote:

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'." --John Greenleaf Whittier

AugustWest11

I see this and I get it .. I am looking for other things I can do differently; and yea I have made it hard on myself by painting myself into a corner I know . Me reaching out is akin to Iran admitting it has nuclear weapons .. Meaning it is so very hard for me to reach out at all; Be it online or especially in person ..

I have come to the board stripped of all that worry and bared my soul; which is something that I have never thought I could\nor would do .. This board alone knows or has access to know, more information then my family, my ex, even my doctor .. So I am trying things differently and am struggling to make this work ..

Maybe I am hung up on the future and all; But a life w\ out all that I cherish or love does not seem like much of a life to me .. Not trying to sound negative at all just real ...

AW

ScottFromWI

What are you suggesting here? That getting sober will somehow not allow you to keep or attain what you love and cherish? Or is this a separate issue? I can't personally think of any reason sobriety would take any of that away from you. Quite the contrary, drinking will definitely take things away - potentially even your life.

ImperfectlyMe

Sometimes in recovery our struggles have nothing to do with alcohol! To me, and I may be misreading, yours today seem that way. I honestly can't imagine being in a home that was built on a love lost. A one sided loss

Is there any little hope of reconciliation that's keeping you there or is it really a matter of no where else to go?