AugustWest11

Ohhh No; not suggesting that at all .. I was just trying ti state that me living up here and doing what I have to do to maintain that is what is first ..

Me not living here would mean giving up all that I cherish and love ... So if I was to go back to my home town it would be an end ...

ScottFromWI

OK, now i'm really confused. I though you were just temporarily there for a roof over your head and unhappy with your job to boot.

AugustWest11

I am NOT unhappy w\ my job .. I love ti Although it is killing me slowly b\c of my back lol But I love my job .. I am unhappy that I have to cut my hours so I can get SSI But my back and pain are getting worse anyway ..

As for living here; for now yes it is temporary; until all the red tape is worked through ..

AW

ScottFromWI

So it's your job that you cherish and love? The area? Still not sure I understand.

AugustWest11

The area; the job; my cats; me Ex .. Everything about being here is what I cherish ..

AW

ScottFromWI

I've kind of thought that all along. You can't move forward until you move on from the past AW. Perhaps you need to seek some local help/counseling in that area too. Sorry to put it so bluntly but I think that might be where many of your problems are coming from.

AugustWest11

Ohh I know Scott; hence I plan on counseling; BUT I can not do that until my red tape is done I don't have the resources to pay out of pocket right now ..

AW

ScottFromWI

Notice I said help/counseling. There are many, many resources you could take advantage of to help you with both sobriety and mental health issues. Books, websites, support groups, etc....i had listed several and others here have done the same. All of these are free and you could be using all of them now.

And also notice once again you've used a "BUT" in your reply as to why something won't work.

You mentioned just a few replies ago that you realize it's all on you. That's great. Now you have to take action on that realization. We'd love to keep helping here AW, and we will. But at certain point there's nothing left for us TO do if you don't take any of our advice.

ImperfectlyMe

I SWEAR I'm not a narcasist quoting myself

Just think being with your ex can cause all kinds of unsteadiness. Will we won't we you know what I mean!

AugustWest11

GREAtt You quote your self cause I never even saw it .. Yea it causes allot of unsteadness; allot of triggers .. But as I said; It's here or my home town .. I know if I go to my home town I would be dead; plain and simple and have no care what people say here .. I would be .. The mental anquish of being defeated and beaten down and the temptation would in the long run kill me.. Hence I am fighting to stay here ..

As for us getting back together; yes it is a very strong possibility .. Knowing my ex like I do; I am almost assured it will happen .. But I as a person would like a clear this and move forward before we can commit again ..

lorelei

sometimes aw holding on causes much more pain than letting go.
there are some online facility's that may help you, free ones, I can pm you, just let me know you're doing well aw

ImperfectlyMe

I don't know I think there is hope there for you and the ex! If she didn't love you she would have been gone a long time ago!!!

AugustWest11

And I understand all this .. but any place for counsling is either a $$ or in boston; I do NOT like people .. Me and crowds never work .. so I do not have the $$$$ to take a bus and get off 5 minutes later b\c of crowds; only to get back on and then get off 5 minutes later to avoid more crowds .

I appreciate the suggestions and the help I do .. But I am a freak Sorry ...

AW

lorelei

you are NOT a freak aw x

AugustWest11

Exactly .. TY so much for seeing that .. If it was "over" I would already be on the streets .. But not worried about that as much as I aM About getting sober ..

But ty for seeing that .. Not to mention a kind message after I feel I been attacked all day

lorelei; you can PM me any time you like As well anyone else

AW

ScottFromWI

AW - did you even read what I just wrote? I was suggesting that there are a plethora of resources ( books, websites, chatrooms, ect ) that are FREE and you can do from HOME. I have suggested this before and so have other people. I am not, or have been suggesting that you should go to a paid counselor or visit a group type meeting or even get on a bus. And you are not a freak, you just have issues like the rest of us do.

I feel that it's probably in the best interest of you and myself to pull away from commenting on your threads. It's clear i've taken things too personally and I apologize for that. I wish you the very best in both your sobriety and other issues you are dealing with.

lorelei

sorry aw, I misunderstood, thought it was over between you and your ex, sorry!

a lot of us don't like social situations and drink to cope with them, you aren't alone x

AugustWest11

I have been doing the reading as well as other sites to chat & such . I have opened myself to more and more since joining this site . That Said ..

Please do not feel you are in any way hindering me or attacking me or causing me strife .. I love your comments as well as Look up to them .. I am trying to be as open and grounded as possible ..

Please if reading my B$ or commenting on my B$ is causing any discomfort then yes walk away .. But know that I respect and read every comment you make ..
AW

AugustWest11

It might be over; I do feel strongly that there is a foundation we can work on .. But right now; it is shaky ..

Getting me settled and out of her house is a priority that will most likely lead to me being back here lol But until then I need to focus on living up here w\ out her and such ..

AW

lessgravity

I think Scott is frustated (as I am) by reading your posts and thinking Damnit AW just doesn't get it!!

This really sticks out:
"But my sobriety can not be #1 if things like a roof over my head and eating and surviving are on that list .. I am sorry to put it that way; But having a roof over my head and food in my belly out weighs anything else .. I am sober now; plan to keep fighting and will see where it leads me .. but as for "dropping" everything and making it #1; in the real world that can not happen I am sorry if you can not agree or see my point; But it just can't .. "

WHAT? If there is one thing that leads to people not having a roof, not having a job, not having loved ones, hating themselves - it's being a drunk. How does NOT DRINKING "get in the way" of ensuring that you have the basic life necessities? I just don't get it.

It's frustrating because you seem like such an intelligent, sensitive person who clearly is struggling deeply and yet in every one of your posts I see excuses, explanations and expectations that you are going to get drunk again. Just don't drink. Suffer? Sure. Just don't drink. There's a million other things in the world to do other than that one thing. Just don't drink.