Olive1

Hi Sasha,
I have found that contrary to what you might think, it is much easier to be miserable. It is tremendously hard to make changes. But it can be done. I had to start with a list of all the things I needed to accomplish. It was daunting, but by taking small steps I was able to change to a much simpler, satisfying life. Just start with writing things down, maybe it will help clear out your head.
I wish you well.

pinkdog

Hi Sasha, Congratulations on 18 months. It takes time to learn how to deal with emotions instead of pushing them down with alcohol. It is good to talk about your feelings. To admit how you feel and search for solutions. Very best wishes to you. I feel you.

Jeni26

Hi Sasha,

I've only just read this thread, so sorry you're still in an unhappy place.

Did you think any more about going to counselling? I know you've been before for different issues, but sitting down with someone trained and impartial might help you at this point. I guess too, that at some point you will need to talk to your partner. You are guessing that he feels the same way, but you don't know. As you have a child together, you will need to work out some sort of plan as regards the future.

Looking after a sick child is wearing, doubly so when you don't feel well yourself. Try to be gentle with yourself , put your daughter to bed and have a bath and an early night.

Yes, the future can seem daunting when things are so uncertain, but there will be a way forward for you. You don't have to decide anything now, when you're not well.

Take good care my friend xxx

Dee74

You've already faced one big challenge and a host of changes in getting sober Sasha...when you got sober, you faced down very similar thoughts too I bet

If you're unhappy right now, thats not acceptable.
You deserve to be happy
D

Sasha4

I know I need to talk to someone.
I can feel myself getting lower and lower.
There is so much going on with my family at the moment - cancer, new baby, a big operation, ill health, stress. It's no wonder I have pains in my chest.

I think what scares me, is shutting the door on an evening and being alone with my daughter until the next morning. Much as I love her she can be hard work and I find her hard to deal with. Coupled with lack of family help, my ill health, working full time, I am just daunted.

I also hate the feeling I have failed at something.

I've this deep urge to make him understand that I think he is unfair, and actually I am much easier going than other partners. I make no demands of him.

Why is it so important to me that i 'make him see' and he's wrong and I'm right.
I constantly go over the same issues with my friends and sister and as much as they are tired of it, they agree he is unreasonable.

Why can I just not walk away?

It's almost that if I am going to leave and split us up as a family, I have to know it is not over something I imagined and not trivial.

Thanks for all your help and kind words xxxx

Sasha4

He is spending time with another woman from work.
She is single with 2 young boys.
She lives about an hour away from us.

Last weekend he spent 2 long days with her.
He spent all day yesterday with her.

I asked my daughter yesterday where she had been and she said playing with Joshua and Finley. I asked if their mummy was there. She said yes.

He stayed away with work on thursday and friday. He finally came home on saturday at 3pm.

All I can think is that this is my own fault because I am so tired, feel so ill and I am no fun to him and my daughter. I think I am to blame.

Yesterday I went to get some takeaway food and I had to pull over by the side of the road to be sick.

I don't know what to do.

ReadyAtLast

Oh Sasha I'm sorry about this. Did he tell you?

I really think you need to leave him. It is unacceptable that he is spending his time with a single woman and taking yourdaughter with him is just so bad and really confusing for her.

Take control of your life. You are not a victim but if you do nothing then this situation will continue. I know you've said you've no time for each other and your relationship is over but he could at least have the decency to wait till you'd separated unless you 've already agreed to live separate lives.In no way is this your fault. He should have thedecency to leave before starting a new relationship. You deserve so much better

I hope youdon't think I'm speaking out of turn but I reallythink you should ask him to move out ormove out yourself. Maybe speak with an estate agent about putting the house up for sale if one of you doesn't want to take it over.

I'm so sorry for this but you know maybe it is the prompt you need to take steps tomove forward

Dee74

I rarely move off the middle ground, especially in relationship issues here....

But Sasha....this is not your fault.

I know what it's like - I've been there too...you instinctively blame yourself, but it's just not true.

You're ill, tired, run down and feeling low - a decent partner would be there for you, not playing away, and flaunting the fact, for heavens sake.

Decent partners who are unhappy in relationships - whatever the grounds - try to work it out, or otherwise call it quits....not have affairs.

I think you deserve way better than what you're allowing yourself here Sasha.

Fear of change is understandable but putting up with something that you are unworthy of really is not

Sasha4

The weekend before, I was ill in bed for most of the weekend.
It was the weekend of the bank holiday.
He took my daughter out all three days. Came back home quite late, left the house about 10am. I stayed at home ill.

He said on one of the days he bumped into a 'mate', I think he said he was called Adam, from work. He went back to 'his' house and our daughter and 'his sons', played together all day and had a great time.

Looking at facebook there were the clues and evidence there.
The two boys she mentioned by name were correct, but there is no Dad. They live with their mum who works at the same company as him.

I don't know how to feel. He has no idea I know. I have her address.

I am just numb that when I asked my daughter where she had been yesterday she said and she said the boy's mummy was there, but she never mentions it with me or when we are together. She is only 3 years old. Has he bribed her or have they sworn her to secrecy?

Sometimes I feel like 'oh my god, I have lost him, I have finally lost him'.
That makes me panic. I want to throw up.
Other times I just feel so sad.

We should never have had a child together.

I wanted and wanted a child, it happened and now look at the mess that has been created. She is being told not to mention to her own mum, who does nothing but throw up all day and look like death, not to say where she has been and what she has been doing.

At this moment, I truly, truly hate myself.
Why did I not take no for an answer?
I saw the red flags before we had a child.
Why did I stay.

I have told 2 people but no more.
My sister is at the end of her tether with me.
My family know something is wrong, but I won't tell them.

I feel like I am on verge of a heart attack, but I am still working, still pretending everything is okay.
I can't eat.
I have to pull over to be sick when I am driving.
Everything is all going horrendously wrong.

Dee74

I think it's very important you find someone to talk to Sasha - preferably a counsellor, but at least a friend or a close relative.

Spiraling away in panic is certainly understandable but it's not really going to help you or your daughter here.

Beating yourself up is a natural reaction too but we can't undo the past - and I'm not sure you'd want to - I know you love your daughter

I really hope you'll reach out to someone who can help. You need to do something to break this impasse/circle I think?

D

Sasha4

I've been phoning round trying to find a counsellor who will see me today, but it's not looking good.

I'm just sat at home crying.
I'm supposed to be working.

MatildaRose

WOW that really helped me understand myself and what I'm going thru today. Thanks!

DecBaby

Sasha I know you don't want to break up your family life but sometimes you need to do it. I never thought I would have to do. I didn't think I could. But my kids are happy. I'm happier. I wish I left the Man I was with sooner. He probably doesn't think he is doing anything wrong or he would change for the sake of the relationship. Start making some positive changes on your end.

Sasha4

I don't want to be responsible for doing that.

I feel so lonely, so on my own. I just want someone to cuddle me.
Why does everything have to come at once?
I'm ill.
I feel like i don't have room to breathe or to think.

I don't even know they are having a relationship together, but he obviously prefers spending time with her and her children.
And if I am honest i don't blame him.
Why would anyone want to spend time with me?

I'm ill, I am consummed by anxiety, I am not light hearted, I'm not fun, I look like I have the world on my shoulders, I feel like I have the world on my shoulders.

If this was just me and him, I could walk away.

It's not. How do I tell my 3 year old daughter I am sorry?
How d I tell my daughter that I love her so much, she was all that I wanted in life, but I've failed as a responsible adult.
She's 3 years old.
I am nearly 40, I should be better at this?

ShootingStar1

Sasha, you might find a lot of understanding, empathy, and support on the Friends and Families of alcoholics forum here on SR. Lots of people who call themselves "double winners" post in that forum.

You'll find many people who understand and have been exactly where you are. People will also share lots of resources with you about where you can go to get help.

I am so sorry for your situation, and I understand how difficult it can be to figure out how to get out of this relationship trap you are in. But it can be done, whether you stay or leave your partner, you can live a much happier, fulfilled life.

Hope you join us,

ShootingStar1

ReadyAtLast

What alternative do you have? Do you want to stay with this man . It's not ok for him to live with you and see another woman.

I'm sorry I really feel for you but it sounds as though you aren't going to do anything. From an outsider's perspective your options are
- do nothing and nothing changes, You unhappiness will continue until you take control of your life and make changes to have a happy future for you and your daughter
- wait and see if he leaves you. doyou think deep down you arewanting him tomake the decision to leave?
- talk to him about it? see if your relationship can be salvaged,ifthat's what you want

I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of turn. I don't know you but do care and have followed your posts about your troubles at home.

But at the end of the day nothing will change unless you make changes

Sending hugs

hypochondriac

Massive hugs to you Sasha x

What is coming over really strong in your posts is that you are blaming yourself for something that is completely out of your control. You are not in anyway to blame. You do however have a responsibility to look after yourself, if not only for your daughters sake. Don't worry about your relationship for now just make sure you have support for yourself. You obviously aren't getting support at home so you need to speak to someone else. Personally I think you should talk to your mother. My mum can be a massive source of problems for me but I know that when the sh;t hits the fan she would do anything for me. You need to tell your family what's going on. I was in an abusive relationship once and the isolation was what was so damaging, not the abuse. I didn't want to tell anyone because I thought I had failed and I wanted to protect my partner. I felt so much better when I was honest with other people. Please talk to people, maybe you'll even get that cuddle

Also if you phone Mind (Mental Health - Mind, The Mental Health Charity - Mind) they can arrange counselling for you, free of charge. There may be a waiting list but you will get an initial assessment pretty quick. There is also The Samaritans Contact us | Samaritans

Please don't blame yourself for anything. It sounds like things are tough all round and men have the tendency to seek solace elsewhere rather than face their problems. Sweeping generalisation I know but it sounds like that's what's happening.

Hugs x

EndGameNYC

It's very difficult to see clearly or to manage our feelings while in the eye of the storm, and you are most definitely there. You've woken up in the center of a nuclear blast, where everything in your life seems to be in ruin, and there's no quick fix. I went through this once in my life while sober, and I suffered dearly. I'm not at all surprised that you're ill.

It sounds as though your husband is exploiting your condition. Taking your daughter along to spend time with children and adults who are complete strangers to her is not helping. I would also stop using her as a source of information regarding your husband's activities and whereabouts, since this is only provoking crazy thoughts that leave you anxious, depressed and feeling more desperate. The best you can do right now is to continue to love and care for her.

Staying close to people who care and, as has been suggested, working with a counselor, is what you need to do right now. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and don't turn it down when it's offered. It's never a good idea to tough it out on your own while in crisis, and I've read far too many comments here from people who paid a painful price when attempting to go it alone, whether it's sobriety or anything else that demands our best efforts. Playing the blame game is not helping you and will not bring you to a better place.

Even though you can't see it now, and knowing this will not help in this moment, this "ending" is also a new beginning for you. Although it's become a popular though incorrect axiom in the States that the Chinese word for 'crisis' is the same word for 'opportunity', the meanings are close enough, and the universal truth in that thought is not lost. Though it's impossible for you to be fully present right now to manage all that's going on with you, the presence of people who care will go a long way in seeing you through this.

Treat yourself as you would someone who's just gotten out of the hospital following major heart surgery. Be gentle with yourself without placing too many demands or expectations on what you can or need to accomplish each day. Let other people be strong for you while you're feeling so weak.

As I said, I went through a devastating crisis while I was sober, though it didn't involve a spouse or children. I was convinced that I'd never recover from it, and that my life would never be good again. And I didn't drink. More than that, when the dust finally settled, I was able to start building a new and better life. I'm not alone in that. Reading many of the comments here has allowed me to learn that other people have successfully risen from the ashes, often finding themselves in a much better place.

You already have a support network here, which means that you can build one in your offline life. People are often much more willing to help when we're in crisis than we know, and now's the time to ask for help. Find that place within yourself that will help you do whatever is necessary to keep you safe and sane.

soberhawk

Sasha,

I think you should take hypochondriac advice.

I do understand it is hard, but you are "thinking" yourself down now - you need to talk to someone,

You have not failed your daughter - you are going through a difficult time - you are allowed to do that.

Please take care Sasha.

Sasha4

I cried most of he morning.
I felt better after a shower.
I still have not said anything. He does not know I know.

I have decided I need to get my health sorted out and have my procedures and biopsy done.
The sickness is getting worse. The pain is really bad.
I had to pull over driving twice tonight to be sick.
I don't know if thats the illness progressing, as they still do not know what is wrong with me or the stress of the situation.

I have made an appointment to see a relate counsellor on my own on wednesday.

One minute I want this to all go away, never have happened, make it all okay.

The next minute I feel scared. He might have made his mind up to leave me anyway. How do I not know there is a plan for him to take my daughter and move in with her anyway.

He might even go for full custody of my baby.
I had a drinking past that caused problems and made me irresponsible and not reliable. Not good mother material. Who knows what he could demand from me?

He is still making plans with me, for my birthday and my daughters birthday in October. Do I take from that he is not ready to leave me yet? Or is this woman just a friend from work and I have got it all wrong?

The other thing I have to consider is that what happens when they are all together? Does he kiss her? Does he have sex with her upstairs when my child is playing with boys downstairs? Would he stoop that low? Or has he created a lovely family haven where him and my daughter just want to be, far, far away from me and my illness?

And my daughter cheers when they kiss and hold hands because she is so much nicer than the crap mother she has at home?

We are not married.
My daughter adores him.
We share a joint mortgage.
I can't just walk away, I have to deal with him and see him.

And the thing that makes me sad is that she has 2 boys. Other kids to play with. Two potential brothers. A ready made new family for her.

The thought of my daughter calling another woman 'mum' is unbearable.