Sasha4

Today and yesterday were hard.
Physically I felt bad.
My daughter has been ill today too.
I am on my own as my partner is away with work. So he says.

I have felt miserable all day.
I know being ill does not help, but I also have many, many thoughts, questions, bitter memories that seem to invade my thinking virtually every single day.

There is no let up from them and they exhaust me.

I think I might be a lot to blame for this though.

Maybe because of my bad relationship, my relationships with my family, and my work ethic, I have always dismissed that there is a problem.

If someone asked me, or even asks like today, I always seem to say 'I'm fine' or 'its no problem' or don't worry about me I will be okay'.
I hate people putting themselves out for me too.
I often do not accept help when I probably should accept it.
I try my hardest with friends, family and work people to be my happiest and most helpful when I can.
9 out of 10 times I think I do that.

But I know realise how keeping that pretence up does not maybe work? It's made me more isolated, because I don't sit and have a good cry to friends or family.

I sometimes let people speak to me in ways that upset me.

It's getting to the point where I want to say, no its not okay, I am not okay. I'm unhappy with my life. I don't feel very well. I have no time for me. I feel lonely. I am sad. There are things that have really upset or annoyed me.

But I never ever get that far because all I ever do is say 'I'm fine' when asked.
I don't know why I do this.

I think with my relationship woes, as in what I tell everyone else, maybe it is because I do not to cause worry to parents about the if's and buts of splitting p when we share a child.
So I keep brushing t under the carpet, saying yes everything's fine, when its clearly not.

To my partner, I feel I have just given up.
There is no point trying to discuss something as we are not on the same wave length at all now. We cannot even bear to be in the same room as each other anymore.

To my family, yet again, 'yes I am fine' because they have enough on and I don't want to worry them. They don't know about my ill health as I still work and just try to manage the pain and discomfort until I get a diagnosis. That should be about mid september.

I don't know if it is because I am aware I moan a lot to my friends and nothing ever changes so if I just say 'no, every things cool' it avoids any discussions.

I feel like I have all these complications in my head like my health, leaving and where to live, being more isolated if we spilt up, how long am I going to ill for, telling my family our relationship is over, dealing with a 3 year old who see's her daddy as her best friend.

I just sit and sit and think and think. I am sure one of these days my head will spin off.

Why can I just not say 'no, I am far, far from okay at the moment in my life'?

Or maybe me not drinking is why this is happening now. I'm 18 months in to not drinking. Before my unhappiness could be easily dealt with by a good long drink.

At the moment I can't even stand myself.

Anyone else like me?

Dee74

I was like you for many years Sasha.

Partly I didn't want to let people in, I didn't want to let them see me asking for help...but I also felt I wasn't worthy of asking for that help either. I felt people might like like me as much if I 'bothered' them with my problems.

I found counselling helped me enormously - it helped me not only work through some of those self esteem issues but it gave me someone to talk to and bounce ideas, fears and dreams off of.

That was invaluable for me.

Mountainmanbob

Anna

Sasha, I'm really sorry you're going through this right now.

It's really hard when you're taking care of others, particularly a sick child, and you are feeling ill yourself. And, it must be especially stressful when you're not even sure what is going on with yourself. Yes, you do need some 'me time' and I hope you can find a way to get that. It is worth asking a friend or family member if they can help out for a few hours to give you a break. I never asked for help either and tried to do it all and I know that contributed to my drinking.

soberhawk

I can relate to some of it – I do have a tendency to become rather blue at times and keep it to my self.

In reality very few people are on the top always, I think at least.

Intellectually I know it is not that far from feeling down and getting better, but that does not help when the feeling is there.

It is probably advisable to share your feelings with you loved ones – but it is kind of comic that such an advice should come from me though.

I have no good advice here Sasha, but you are not alone struggling with such thoughts.

Take care.

Cheetah1

Sasha,
I have felt completely overwhelmed & hopeless, at times lately.
I have been sober from alcohol for awhile, too.
The burdens of life & an unhappy relationship are hard enough for normies.
We want a quick fix but drink only makes it worse.

Maybe, it is a phase of sobriety. I don't know.
But you are definitely not alone.
I try to focus on the positive things in my life. What I have, a beautiful child that loves me. A home, food....more than most people.

I hope things get better for you. I have found reading books helps tremendously. It gets me out of my own head, for awhile anyway.
Sending good thoughts your way.

Thanks for sharing your true feelings with us.

raja12

So very sorry you are feeling so down. But you know you are doing the right thing here by reaching out. I'm by no means as sober as you are, so I really can only offer my support, and good thgts, prayers. I know the feeling of not wanitng 2 upset family and friends with our prblms. But, I have 2 say I do reach out 2 my family, and my Mom and I r so close. This is good in a way, and bad in another. Because she is very old, has a heart condition, but she knows all........even if I didn't tell her all my drama. I think family and friends r my best support, and they truly do understnd. And want 2 help. Just wanted 2 say thanks for being a part of this community, even for for the short time I've been here. And I always love 2 read your posts. Sending u a little prayer that this will lifted from you soon. And things will be better for you. Things will look brighter soon. This I'm sure of. God Bless.

raja12

And trying 2 be all, and 2 strong, didn't work for me at all. You need 2 take care of yourself first. And I think you've done an excellent job of this so far. Being overwhelmed happens to me a lot. Take care.

Pamel

Sasha,

Thank you for that eloquent post to which we can all relate. (At least I can!) You have put into words so much that I have thought...I hardly know what to say but I am grateful.

DecBaby

Ask for help. Sometimes you'd be surprised who's willing to help

Post more on here. Sometimes it helps to get the thoughts out of your head with people who understand.

Or journal at home.

See if maybe your husband can watch the babe for a little, even if it's just watching a movie with her just to give you a little down time.

Olive1

I like you Sasha!
Oh, you meant, is there anyone like you......

And, yes, I was just like you.
Don't want to be a downer, but I really didn't come into myself for a good two to three years after getting sober. I was cleaning up a mess of a life I had made for myself, too.
But I did eventually get better. I slogged my way through and I have a pretty good life now. I know you can too.
I hope you feel better.

And I do like you!

Sasha4

And today, I tried to keep calm but I didn't and vented to my mum, which was really not how I wanted it to be.

hypochondriac

It's okay to vent sasha. Part of the problem with me and venting is that I assume other people don't want to know but sometimes they do. Was your mum helpful? I bet she didn't tell you you weren't allowed to vent But if it still makes you feel guilty I find paying someone to listen always helps

I found it was a massive process learning to care for myself, and allowing myself to. I always thought I should be okay. I don't know why but I feel much better about looking after my own issues now whereas before it would have left me feeling guilty and simultaneously resentful for not being allowed to not be okay, when it was me that made me feel that way.

I hope you feel better soon but if you don't, that's ok too x

ExWinoMom

Wow I have two young boys, aged 2.5 and 6 months. If I isolate I tend to drink. I recently joined a gym with a crèche and although I drank again this weekend, I'm not giving up hope, I'm back at the gym for some Me time and exercise this coming week. I had to claw my way to get time to myself. It is for my mental health and self love. I am worth it. I need to pray waaaay more than I do. That's why I drank this weekend. Lost my conscious contact with God...
From one mother to another... I understand feeling overwhelmed. Faaaark. It's like my inner child is lacking play and relaxation so she wants to drink to relax. Totally out of balance....

Sasha4

No she was not helpful at all.
She said she had noticed I was at the end of my tether and had been for sometime.

I outlined why I was fed up, and she said that he life was very much like mine when she had young children.

She then passed the phone over to my dad, who i said i would rather not discuss things with and I ended the call.

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry your mum was unhelpful. I can relate as my mum always says " you don't know how easy you have it with only 1 child and all modern appliances. I had 5 and no help"

We can't change our parents and can't make them understand or support us if they choose not to. Only we can change our lives. I know you've said before about problems with your partner. It comes across as you don't even like the man anymore,never mind love him. This situation is no good for your mental health or your ongoing sobriety.

As people say on here, nothing changes if nothing changes., I think that relates to life as well as drinking. We are responsible for our own happiness and sometimes we have to make changes if we are so desperately unhappy

I hope you start to take positive steps to ensure your future happiness

hypochondriac

It sounds like she was trying to empathise a bit though? It may be worth being honest about the problems with your relationship. Even if talking about stuff doesn't help at least it is lighter than carrying all that stuff around by yourself. Sometimes people, especially mothers just want things to be okay and just can't tolerate seeing their children in pain which can make them come across as dismissive. My mum is like that. It makes it hard sometimes but in my rare rational moments I can see things from her point of view.

Have you and your partner considered counselling at all, or have you both pretty much given up on the relationship?

bigsombrero

Alcoholics and co-dependents are very good at reading other people, because we deal with lying and deceit so often, many of us since childhood. Most other folks don't have that "special insight" and we often get frustrated when others don't understand us. Sounds like you're in one of those places. And being ill, well that is just rotten also. Especially when you are alone and there is nobody to bring you a bowl of soup or put a blanket on you. And to have your child depending on you. What a bummer. I remember when I had the chicken pox (!!!) at 29 years old, and had to ride the whole thing out myself. Grrr, what a terrible time that was. We have been there and I can feel your pain through your writing! The worst thing is that when you are just laying around, it gives your brain time to wander and examine other problems, relationships, etc.

You are not alone, we are here to chat and help you. It must be getting late there, perhaps you can take in a movie or TV show and a cup of tea?

Sasha4

I think I am scared about my situation.
Scared to change it.

I am really unhappy, but I cannot see how my life would be any easier.

I would be on my own totally.
No-one offers help now, so what would it be like if he was not here. Even though we hate each other, cannot abide each others company.

I don't think towards the future happily. I think about it with dread.

ReadyAtLast

Being in an unhappy relationship is a lot more lonely than being alone-someone once said that to me. I didn't understand it until I left the man I lived with and was desperately unhappy with and was alone.

Being scared is normal. I was afraid of change, never meeting anyone else,struggling financially, selling our house,being in a town where I knew few people,250 miles away from my family. I was so damned unhappy though but couldn't see how I could split up.

But I did.It was hard financially as I was only 23 and I took the house over on my own which was difficult.but it was worth it. When I shut my front door at night I had no one to answer to, I could relax for the first time in months. I'd forgotten how torelax or feel at peace. If your living situation is unhappy it will affect your whole life,mental health and sobriety.

In time I moved on,met someone else and had a child,moved and am happy and now thankfully sober too.

Your child will pick up on the environment at home and living this way is no way for her or you to live. I really hope you find the strength to make some positive changes.