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Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Being real with ourselves is its own reward. When things go horribly south, its on the wall things need to be changed up. Its really an inside job to start with, and more often then not, when we get out of our own way, changes come more easily. 
Remorse and guilty feelings really have no upside, and its totally natural to want to dump them and get on with living, yet sometimes we feel more guilty about just moving on...
Sounds trite, but the best medicine for feeling angst is to just let it go and let it alone while at the same time embracing new hopes and new ideas for having a better day going forward.
None of us deserve to fail at being happy and successful in our own eyes. We each and everyone of us can be the real deal we so want to be deep in our hearts and minds.
Life is so much what we make it out to be for ourselves. Our choices really do make the differences we need to create the life we want to live. We all have a past that brought us pain and ruin - and we all have the ability to turn ourselves away from despair and journey ourselves into a better life!
Lot's of amazing shares in this thread!
Remorse and guilty feelings really have no upside, and its totally natural to want to dump them and get on with living, yet sometimes we feel more guilty about just moving on...
Sounds trite, but the best medicine for feeling angst is to just let it go and let it alone while at the same time embracing new hopes and new ideas for having a better day going forward.
None of us deserve to fail at being happy and successful in our own eyes. We each and everyone of us can be the real deal we so want to be deep in our hearts and minds.
Life is so much what we make it out to be for ourselves. Our choices really do make the differences we need to create the life we want to live. We all have a past that brought us pain and ruin - and we all have the ability to turn ourselves away from despair and journey ourselves into a better life!
Lot's of amazing shares in this thread!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Pamel 
Nuudawn, You are so right. I cannot look at the news in the morning without knowing how I f**ked up.I hate this in myself, but there it is. You all help me more than you know. 
My recovery is an all encompassing thing. Sobriety is the key to my recovery in the very broadest sense. The only way I can make changes is by having the wits about me to face each moment of reality rather than escaping them in the denial of alcohol. I accomplish absolutely nothing drunk. I cannot address my problematic thinking or choices with impaired faculties. I am in the process of getting myself "unphucked up". Alcohol was not the sole cause of my phucked upness. Alcohol was the remedy I chose for my phucked upness. It consumed, exacerbated and denied my phucked upness but I always returned from the "trip" still phucked up and worse off with every trip to denial and stagnation.
I am so very glad you are seeing a therapist and I hope its one you resonate with. I consider mine a freakin' wizard. She has held my hand and given me the permission my approval seeking mind required to become my own authority and best friend. She has often said to me that she hasn't taught me anything..that I already possessed the answers. What she gave me was the greatest gift. It was a voice I never heard before. No one ever told me it was okay to listen to myself. I actually just got a bit emotional when I typed that. Although I am my own authority on earthly ground, I do have a spiritual entity I call on in doubt. I am not sure what exactly that entity is but its my co-pilot. Okay..it's the Pilot but I'm the first officer : )
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Rooting for you Pamel and glad that you're seeing a therapist. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and your bethrothed. I agree with others that you can't keep projecting -- saying that your fiancee's suicide was your fault or that you'll end up like your friend.
I know someone who had someone very, very close to them commit suicide. This bereaved person has never forgotten their loved one and still talks about them but they've moved on with their life -- they now have 19 years of sobriety and they help other people to get and stay sober. This person has indeed been helping me. They're like a light in my life. I'm 46 days back (I'm no stranger to relapse myself) and I couldn't have done it without this person.
I bet that when you had those years of sobriety that you helped other people too. I believe that you can get back to that point again. I believe that you can be a light in the lives of many people. It all starts with day 1. Take it one day at a time. My friend got that 19 years sober by taking it one day at a time, believe me.
I know someone who had someone very, very close to them commit suicide. This bereaved person has never forgotten their loved one and still talks about them but they've moved on with their life -- they now have 19 years of sobriety and they help other people to get and stay sober. This person has indeed been helping me. They're like a light in my life. I'm 46 days back (I'm no stranger to relapse myself) and I couldn't have done it without this person.
I bet that when you had those years of sobriety that you helped other people too. I believe that you can get back to that point again. I believe that you can be a light in the lives of many people. It all starts with day 1. Take it one day at a time. My friend got that 19 years sober by taking it one day at a time, believe me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
I did see my therapist and brought all this up (thanks for all your responses). She had a lot of insights, and I have work to do (assigned by her). Went to a meeting (trying different meetings to expand my sober community).
Hey, I am boring myself with all this back and forth. It only matters if I don't drink. So far today, so good, and I do have all of you to thank. I feel as though I have really shared too much here, but sometimes, by putting it in words, I can see where I am "stuck". I trusted my instincts, and wrote here.
BTW, I haven't ever written about my friend's suicide, or for that matter, this 40+ years of mourning that has weighed me down. It helps.
Another BTW, all those years of sobriety, (while I was supporting husband 2), he was constantly cheating on me with AA people. Finally got evidence of that, and although he can claim 30+? years of sobriety, he was certainly a 13th-stepper.
Sooo... if people don't mind, I will continue this thread. I guess if it is difficult for some people to read, then you don't have to read it. I DO WANT SOBRIETY. ...AND I AM DOING MY BEST.
PS. Thank you Louise82 and Nuudawn especially!
Hey, I am boring myself with all this back and forth. It only matters if I don't drink. So far today, so good, and I do have all of you to thank. I feel as though I have really shared too much here, but sometimes, by putting it in words, I can see where I am "stuck". I trusted my instincts, and wrote here.
BTW, I haven't ever written about my friend's suicide, or for that matter, this 40+ years of mourning that has weighed me down. It helps.
Another BTW, all those years of sobriety, (while I was supporting husband 2), he was constantly cheating on me with AA people. Finally got evidence of that, and although he can claim 30+? years of sobriety, he was certainly a 13th-stepper.
Sooo... if people don't mind, I will continue this thread. I guess if it is difficult for some people to read, then you don't have to read it. I DO WANT SOBRIETY. ...AND I AM DOING MY BEST.
PS. Thank you Louise82 and Nuudawn especially!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 227
Having read through the whole thread, I can't see any reason for you not to continue. I thought the whole point of this site was for people to share what they are going through and offer support to others, as well.
Please continue sharing your struggles, it doesn't only help you....
Please continue sharing your struggles, it doesn't only help you....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by misterritter
Having read through the whole thread, I can't see any reason for you not to continue. I thought the whole point of this site was for people to share what they are going through and offer support to others, as well.
Please continue sharing your struggles, it doesn't only help you....
Please continue sharing your struggles, it doesn't only help you....
Sometimes I feel like I am very tired of my own inability to deal with this. I kind of felt what I wrote was a true assessment of my feelings, and what I think I have to confront. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and I hesitate to put it in "writing" but just re-reading what I wrote, and the comments, made quite a difference in my life today.
Thank you for helping me to feel better about putting deep-seated and raw emotions out there. I was apprehensive.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Pamel,
I've watched your struggle with this and am glad that you decided to come forth with some further info. Sometimes clueing people in to the depth of what has happened is helpful. You've got a lot of great info from here and I'm glad that you're seeing a counselor.
The tough part of what causes someone to relapse is that no matter what's read on this board, no matter what they seem to try, no matter how they go about trying to not to give in it comes down to two words.
"Who cares?".
I think that we try to squelch those two words by coming here and by trying to work our plan but in the end it doesn't seem to matter. Those two words are repeated and that first drink is taken.
You're going to find a lot of people who care on this board whether you relapse or not, including me. I can't begin to imagine the struggle that you're dealing with. However, you're going to have to find a way to finally to come to the point that when your brain gets you to those two words that you respond back
"I care, that's who".
This all starts with you.
I've watched your struggle with this and am glad that you decided to come forth with some further info. Sometimes clueing people in to the depth of what has happened is helpful. You've got a lot of great info from here and I'm glad that you're seeing a counselor.
The tough part of what causes someone to relapse is that no matter what's read on this board, no matter what they seem to try, no matter how they go about trying to not to give in it comes down to two words.
"Who cares?".
I think that we try to squelch those two words by coming here and by trying to work our plan but in the end it doesn't seem to matter. Those two words are repeated and that first drink is taken.
You're going to find a lot of people who care on this board whether you relapse or not, including me. I can't begin to imagine the struggle that you're dealing with. However, you're going to have to find a way to finally to come to the point that when your brain gets you to those two words that you respond back
"I care, that's who".
This all starts with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Thanks LadyBlue.
I DO have to care, and posting here has helped. I brought out a lot a dark secrets, and once in the light, they seem to have lost some of their power. "The proof's in the pudding", as an old saying goes, and so far today, it is a good pudding...
I DO have to care, and posting here has helped. I brought out a lot a dark secrets, and once in the light, they seem to have lost some of their power. "The proof's in the pudding", as an old saying goes, and so far today, it is a good pudding...
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Pamel
I brought out a lot a dark secrets, and once in the light, they seem to have lost some of their power.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Posts: 1,254
Nuudawn, thank you. I was starting to believe I blab too much. Maybe too little about what is going on.
Someone above referred to me as a "drinker" (not sure if that was a plus or minus) but I am CERTAINLY an alcoholic. No, I don't drink to get drunk anymore, but I am so sick of this stuff. I just want to quit. You have encouraged my looking at what underlies this start-stop drinking behavior, and just know you have helped!
Someone above referred to me as a "drinker" (not sure if that was a plus or minus) but I am CERTAINLY an alcoholic. No, I don't drink to get drunk anymore, but I am so sick of this stuff. I just want to quit. You have encouraged my looking at what underlies this start-stop drinking behavior, and just know you have helped!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Thanks earthsteps (and Dee, of course),
I was getting tired of hearing myself "trying", and between pouring out a lot of painful stuff here (+ the booze), and with my new sponsor, I feel hopeful today for the first time in a long time.
I was so glad I was at my home group this morning; a person with whom I had shared IOP (Intensive OutPatient) came in, clearly emotional, and shared that she had just gotten out of the hospital. (I wondered where she had gone, since phone calls and e-mails had yielded nothing). Anyway in one of those higher power moments she sat between myself and another IOP grad (we both knew her well) and cried her heart out to tell us and the group that she had just been released from hospital (where she went through an intensive de-tox).
I am not a believer in a "God" per se, but I have to say something larger than me or my friend, left that chair between us for her to find the safety to speak up.
Amazing.
I was getting tired of hearing myself "trying", and between pouring out a lot of painful stuff here (+ the booze), and with my new sponsor, I feel hopeful today for the first time in a long time.
I was so glad I was at my home group this morning; a person with whom I had shared IOP (Intensive OutPatient) came in, clearly emotional, and shared that she had just gotten out of the hospital. (I wondered where she had gone, since phone calls and e-mails had yielded nothing). Anyway in one of those higher power moments she sat between myself and another IOP grad (we both knew her well) and cried her heart out to tell us and the group that she had just been released from hospital (where she went through an intensive de-tox).
I am not a believer in a "God" per se, but I have to say something larger than me or my friend, left that chair between us for her to find the safety to speak up.
Amazing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Dee, I so appreciate your always up-beat posts. I DO need to hear the hard ones (and they come along, not without anger, and provoking contemplation) but you are ALWAYS there to provide encouragement.
Thank you for being a "constant" hopeful person in my life.
Thank you for being a "constant" hopeful person in my life.
Saved By Grace
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oop North, Furtlin' me Ferrets
Posts: 410
Right on pamel thanks for having the courage and humility to admit a past defeat and share about it. So many of us have experienced rellapse on this journey and taken months of incomprehensible demoralization as a result, or never made it back to get a Day 4 at all. Keep moving forward, all of SR is behind you.
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