Relapse? Post here.
 

I am a "chronic" relapser, after years sober. (3 days now-again-but I don't count anymore because every morning when I wake up is a new Day 1.)

Golly (there's a dated word!) if I can relapse after all I know and 100s+ AA meetings...well anyone can. My best friend killed himself after 5 years sobriety and every reason to live, because he took that fateful drink on Monday, fought through the week, called everyone he knew on Friday to say that he would be out of town, then on the next Monday morning, jumped from the 11th floor of his building, having drunken himself into a stupor. I still have that tape from his voicemail.

I think he could not face 1 more recovery. Goodness knows (substitute for G**) I DO NOT WANT TO BE HIM.

So, if you you relapse, please post here. It helps all of us. (Selfishly, help me!!).

Pamel. I am wondering if you've been able to talk to someone about your friend and what happened to him? Sometimes, when things like that happen, we tend to blame ourselves and emulate the behaviour as a result :( If your friend was determined to do that, there is nothing anyone could have done :(
Do you think the tragedy of what happened, is what is causing your relapses?
It's just a thought x

Pamel I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately one is more than enough and we have no control of others. All we can do is one day at a time not drink. BE WELL

Thanks ZoeM.

There is never a cause if one is securely placed in sobriety. All I can claim is that I have been through a rough week with the bf's grandchild. Not an excuse, but it has been hard to get to meetings with a breathalyzer in the car. (The bf doesn't want this known). Personally, I would rather "out" this with his family (mine knows) but he likes to maintain fiction.

I am so sorry to hear that Pamel :(. That absolutely does NOT have to be you!! I'm sure you'll get it right, hopefully this time. Even if not, keep trying until you get there!!

Relapsing happens, and I think this is a great idea for a support thread!

Day 2 for me (for the millionth time), hopefully my last :)

Hi Pamel....something isn't working and I believe only you know what that is. Neither AA or SR seem to be assisting you in your decision to stay sober. And for me that's the rub, do you really want sobriety? Is it possible you feel disillusioned by sobriety? I mean if your friend could put together 5 years and it all still end tragically...I'm thinking you might have some thoughts on that. I think Zoe is on to something. I think there might be a connection between your difficulty with committing to sobriety and your friend's demise. I too think maybe one on one counselling might be helpful if you haven't tried that already. Forgive me...but there is something not serious enough sounding when you post about your relapses..there is somehow too much "ah well" tone. Are you angry at sobriety?? It almost feels like you are looking for comfort with bands of relapsers than long term sober folk. I just can't help feeling like there is something you are not looking at. What is it?

You have no way of knowing why your friend chose to take his life. Please don't project onto your own recovery and stuggles with it.

Despair is a dark place. Much darker when you are drinking than when you are not. Your friend was drinking.

On the issue of relapse. I was a relapser for awhile. I had to get honest with myself and ask. "Why am I doing this? What am I getting out of it?" Because I rarely do anything for no reason at all. I was seeking to get SOMETHING out of relapse.

I know I sought attention and someone to save me. That didn't work, so at least I got no positive reinforcement for that. I was looking for relief. That didn't come. Drinking and drugging again did nothing to end my anxiety. It didn't reconnect me with friends or a happy atmosphere.

It took me a few times to realize that relapse held nothing for me. That's where I am today. I KNOW relapse doesn't work. So I've decided to live sober.

I agree with Nuudawn. Your post is almost as though you are resigned to relapse,you expect it even. Areyou looking to do something different this time? Is your bf preventing your recovery.I don't know how the brethalyzer in car thing works but not sure how this would prevent you from going to meetings?

I know Dee always says if what we're doing isn't working it's time to try something new. Maybe WFS or SMART or indeed individual counselling,as others have suggested

You know, I had tried half-heartedly for 4 years to quit - never made it past 10 - 14 days, as wasn't really that bothered.
This time, it just so happened, that my quit date (aug 8th) would have been my Mum's bday (she passed 21 yrs ago from cancer)
It's given me extra motivation - sort of dedicating it to her memory. It feels like something I can still do for her, other than take flowers to her grave, obviously.
Wondering if it would help you, to perhaps dedicate it to your friend?
Just a thought :)

Nuudawn, I listen to you constantly. I am fighting a battle with the "Could-ofs, should-ofs, would-ofs" and trying to resolve it. 40+ years ago I was part of a suicide (I think) of the man I was supposed to marry. Had I done differently, I "might" have had the life of my dreams. But, of course, life takes many twists and turns, so who knows?

I am still grieving, and, of course, living in the past. Not good. Logging back on here is a step in the right direction, and for that, I am grateful.

ZoeM, you have an important message. Yes, I may have to dedicate a recovery to this person. He wrote in a book I have: "May we best use our talents..."

I have not forgotten this. It haunts me.

Pamel,

I think I now understand the difference between a lapse and relapse.

A lapse is if you go out and cave to that drink... just once. A relapse is when, after that first drink you continue to drink for days on end because you are in a negative state of emotion.

However, all my negative states of emotion are a direct result of me having that very first sip of wine and then partying it up until I fall down..

I now know in my heart that if I don't have that very first sip of wine, then I won't end up feeling gross, embarrassed, and disgusted. If I don't feel gross, embarrassed, and disgusted; then I won't be anxious, depressed, lonely, embarrassed, frustrated, angry, etc...

Lapse... Relapse... Sobrietry... Lapse... Relapse... Sobrietry... and on and on and on...

Seriously, it is a miserable cycle. It really needs to stop. No excuses anymore!!!

Brilliant. Later on, Pamel fills in some of the significant blanks to which you alluded. This thread has become disturbing for me to follow.

Pamel: You're mourning the death of the man you were supposed to marry, and what for you was your predetermined future. Once he was gone, and the future you imagined you would have with him, why bother doing anything? Why try to make anything better in your life when it only ends in death? Loss? Grief?

Obviously, 40+ years is a very long time to live in mourning or grief; or stay frozen in your past. You can't work through these traumatic events unless and until you actually work through them. None of us "gets over" or makes complete sense of these things. Seems as though what you've experienced accounts in part for your sense of resignation, and your apparent desire to commiserate with others in similar situations.

Misery doesn't love company; it loves miserable company. And, by itself, this rarely brings us to a better place.

It doesn't seem that this is the way out for you. Time to try something different.

Nuudawn, You are so right. I cannot look at the news in the morning without knowing how I f**ked up.I hate this in myself, but there it is. You all help me more than you know. :ring

I relapsed just once. I am now almost 7 months sober. I don't plan to replase again but I have to be honest, open and willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I hope you can do the same.

I'm sorry about your friend. Our disease is relentless.

Pamel I believe we write our own story.

I used to write a story of loneliness anger fear pain and loss - the ending to that one was never going to be a very good one.

I want you to have a happy ending - I believe you want that too.

It's time to start writing *that* story :)

what can you do differently?
D

Dee, you are right: I have written a negative story for myself with a bad ending. I am seeing a therapist today and will bring that up.

Good to hear from you Pamel, thanks for sharing this. Nice to know you're making some positive plans.

Best as always.

At some point, you're not a chronic relapser...you're just a drinker...I hope you find your way...