fallingtogether

It's taking everything I have in me not to pick up and drink. I am not doing well in recovery. I haven't lost anything to date, except my dignity. I do not want to reach out to my sponsor. I am resenting aa right now. I have drank every flipping weekend for the last 6 weeks. I hate myself. I feel so low. And why do I think taking a drink will make it better? Why am I allowing myself to only defined as a drunk? Normal people don't feel this way. I'm not normal I guess. And that all I want to be

visch1

Some questions I asked myself years ago and the answer is still I'm an alcoholic and cannot drink in safety. I pointed my fingers of blame to everything and had big resentments too. The bottom line is I had to grow up and accept things I didn't like. No one forces us to drink to excess. Go ahead and point fingers remember 3 are pointed back at you. AA works IF we work it. Life continues to happen and we need to accept the good and the not so good. BE WELL

mecanix

I'm not normal either ,

Life can still be worthwhile if we work on it .

I always try to remember i'm judging my insides with everyone elses outsides .

Bestwishes, m

Steven567

Hang in there fallingtogether, things will get better. Is there any activity that you can focus on to take your mind off the drinking?

DisplacedGRITS

why are you resenting AA? what's gotten you upset? for me, when i start harboring resentments it's usually because there's something wrong with me. often, it's because what's happening around me isn't what i demand happens. i try to take control of too many little things and i get upset when it doesn't go my way. i have to remember that life happens on life's terms, not mine. it's not my place to nit pick my life apart and make everything fit just so. many things in my life are not going to go my way and that is okay. often times, when i let things happen their way, i still get a positive result because i'm better able to handle the situation as a whole. my mind isn't distracted by trying to "fix" the issue and i'm a lot happier because i'm not trying to make the situation unfold the exact way i want it to.

so look inside yourself right now and ask yourself "why?" be honest with yourself and be prepared to accept the answer you find. there's a reason you're struggling. it's up to you to figure out why and what you can do about it.

fallingtogether

@displaced- I agree. It's all me. It's me finding differences and making excuses. I don't want to be this way. I'm not working the program. It's not gonna work if I don't work it. I know this. I also know how wonderful life can be when I am sober. However I feel like I'm in my own way. Does that make sense? I need to get out of my way. I need to be sober. I honestly don't even want to walk back into those rooms- because I know they understand me more than anyone else does, but I fear the judgment.

ippochick

normal? what's that?!

just keep on keeping on.

bemyself

Hi falling,

Yeah, 'fearing the judgement'. I get that. Although I'm currently less interested in going to meetings for a range of reasons, I do recall there were heaps of times last year and early this year I'd either slipped or relapsed completely. Each time I went back to a meeting after those 'failures', I was generally welcomed back very warmly - by MOST people.

To be sure, there was always - always - at least one or two (depending on the meeting and its regulars) who did indeed seem sort of 'tsk tsk' / finger wagging. That gave me the absolute IRRITS.

All I can say that if you can, and want to return, just try to bee line towards those more understanding / compassionate souls, and politely side step the other sort. Get thy hugs where ye may, kinda thing :-)

Dee74

I think one of the most insidious ways my addiction maintained it hold on me was fear and pride - I would never reach out...and I was lost - because I could not beat this thing on my own.

If someone were to judge you, that says a lot more about them than it does about you.

I'm willing to bet that the overall abiding understanding in the room would beat any judgmental replies hands down FT

D

Nighthawk8820

Those are all excellent questions to be asking yourself, but you have to really be prepared to answer them honestly. You dont have to live like this, but you are going to have to toughen up a bit and really give this thing a go. This is all up to you, not AA or your sponsor............YOU. Take some control of your life and your addiction, and stop comparing yourself to what is "Normal" and what isnt. Your an addict, and its not that rare of a condition. Reach out, get help, ask questions, and grow. Sitting around with the feelings and thoughts you have today are not going to get you anywhere close to where you want to be. Recognize your AV and tell it to shut the hell up.

Fandy

No one should *judge* you or make you feel worse about relapsing.. maybe AA is not the way for you? Maybe you need to think differently?

2granddaughters

Don't let your irrational fear of possibly being judged harshly keep you from your recovery.

Go back to where you are loved and understood and get back in the game.

In no time you will be back "on the beam" and this will be forgotten.

All the best.

Bob R

quitforme79

I don't like to think of myself as abnormal. The only thing I can't do safely like other people, is drink. Otherwise, I am free to live life as everyone else. When I don't want to reach out is usually when I need to the most. I am glad you are doing that on here