Acheleus

Woke up today feeling hungover and sore all over. Don't know if it is from the exercise. So I have my last test tomorrow and then I will be done with my class. I want to drink as soon as the thing is over and I am not sure what to do. I feel awful all the time and I am alone with my negative thoughts. Nothing matters to me without cigarettes and alcohol. They gave me an artificial happiness. I have never known happiness and I do not think I ever will. I think depression is far worse than alcoholism.

neferkamichael

Acheleus, 32 days and thinking of drinking? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. Acheleus please don't, just make things worse.

RunningRaces

Good job! Your doing great. If you think you woke up feeling rough today, then it's for all the right reasons-exercise. Think of how much worse you will feel if you wake up feeling crummy from drinking and smoking. Don't think past today, or the current moment. It's understandable to feel that way. Think about the rewards of the the class being over and not the drinking part. Keep up the good work.

SnwFlower

Congratulations on 32 days Acheleus!! YAY!

Please don't give in to the drinking, you've come so far and it's never worth picking up a drink.

I've suffered from very severe depression for many years, like clinical depression,...but it can get better Acheleus. The fog of depression and crying and even anger, combined with bouts of happiness bothered me for about the first 2 to 3 months of my sobriety. I'm at 5 months today and that depression is gone. I never realized before how much alcohol had to do with causing it. I think it takes several months for a body and mind to acclimate to getting those toxins out and function properly without all that poison. It doesn't all get better instantly, it's a gradual process that improves with time.

Hang in there Acheleus, we are all supporting you! You're doing great!!

thekl0wn

Congrats on the 32 days! As they say in meetings, "One day at a time".

As for the waking up and feeling hungover & sore... If it's from exercise, it's something you learn to love. Or at least I do... When I wake up and there's no physically-induced soreness, I feel like I'm missing something and want to get out and do something to make me feel alive! Sure, it's another addiction, but at least it's a healthy one!

Nuudawn

Rock and a hard place. I know you're suffering...can hear it in so many of your posts. You are spending way way to much time alone Achelus. You need to address that...you need to connect with people. You need to laugh and talk with others. You find other answers...therapists, support groups, friends...or ya, you will just jump back in the river d'Nile...a big ole toxic numbness.

Nighthawk8820

Like I said, I think its great you stopped both at the same time, but I fear the combo will make your withdrawal and depression symptoms worse, especially the no smoking. I was crabby and down for 6 months after quitting smoking, which I did 1.5 years after quitting booze. As addicts, we fall back on ciggs to help get over the addiction to other substances. I dont know why you chose to quite both, that is your choice, but it really can be what is magnifying these depressing thoughts and lack of any joy. Ciggs and alcohol effect the brain differently, and when removed, cause withdrawal symptoms like depression, anger, and anxiety. You take BOTH away, and you double the negative effects you are feeling. I wouldn't drink, that is a much more serious addiction and I think getting over that one should take priority right now. If you want to relapse into anything, go smoke.

If you drink, you will smoke too...........so why end both your tries at sobriety and kicking addictions in one shot? Just focus on kicking the alcohol now and when you have some time sober, then you can think of quitting the ciggs. I hate to tell someone to go smoke, but its better than drinking. I know if you were to smoke, you would be able to deal with the no alcohol, sobriety thing more efficiently. Why did you do both at the same time?

Nuudawn

Nighthawk is right. Although I quit both smoking and drinking ...I'm on the patch because I couldn't freak my brain chemistry COMPLETELY out. But I've been on the patch a loooonng time lol. Like long time...but I kept pulling the damn patch off when drinking..and smoking...and then not bothering with the patch and just smoking..and then growing to hate that...and quitting ..and drinking and smoking and repeat.

Did you quit it all cold turkey?

Olive1

Hi Acheleus,
Please don't drink.
Think of having to do the past 32 days all over again, only with the added emotion of remorse. I don't think that would be worth it.
I know you can pull through this fog and emerge for the better on the other side.
I have faith.

Soberpotamus

Nighthawk makes a good point, imo.

Acheleus... just don't drink. You know you will regret it. Don't talk yourself into relying on it any longer. You know it's just a crutch that in time you will learn to toss aside as even a remote possibility of any sort of comfort.

It is false comfort, false security. It is time to go forward and rebuild your life in a healthy manner... and that is exactly what you have been doing.

Junegirl

Acheleus,

I've suffered from severe depression/anxiety, the post-partum variety, so I really feel you. Meds and a new job really helped me (please don't take that as medical advice. Just sharing what worked for me). Of course I then went and ruined it with drinking...but anyway, back to you. Do you have a doctor or therapist you can see? Don't live with this-you don't have to. Seek out professional help if you can.

Take care,

June

soberclover

I'm on board too with you getting some professional advice. I know you may not feel it, but I think you are doing such a good job! The first few months of recovery is challenging. The rewards, however, are incredible.

Acheleus

I am seeing a counselor for the second meeting on Monday after my test. The first meeting last month was an intake where they just asked my why I was there. My weight is bothering me, I am not obese but I want to be thinner. My ex used to say I was like a woman about my looks and weight. I am so sad because my face is breaking out in a few pimples and I am 27. Why would that be happening. My concentration and enthusiasm are so liw I do not even feel like studying. Also I have a bunch of gray hairs on the sides of my head, they are probably from smoking. The truth is I just hate myself--I hate the way I look, sound, walk, just everything. Now I am not sure if I just messed myself up with booze and cigs or what. Nothing in my childhood was stable and I do not know what to do. I cant lose weight no matter how much I exercise. My legs are too sore to run and I applied for health insurance a few days ago so I do not know when it will go into effect but they already took my money so. I will try to get some medication and cognitive behavioral therapy going. But God I do want to smoke and drink but I dont want to look old and add gray hairs. I look older than all the people in this college town so I do not have any friends. But I hate myself--no one wants to be around a total loser with gray hair and dead stuff inside him. Sorry to vent. Just nothing is changing in my life because I quit drinking.

luckyinlife

Stop beating on yourself. You have something I envy....over a month of sobriety, youth AND the ability to actually focus in school. I dropped out of school due to alcoholism, and lost my job to the same.

For now why not focus on making a list of what you are grateful for?

Acheleus

Yes I am grateful for the insight that I have to quit drinking. I am grateful for my car that runs. I am grateful for my apartment. I am grateful for my books and my dad.

Maybe quitting smoking and drinking was a bad idea but I read that people who quit both were more successful with long term sobriety.


I am just lonely, and I am not grateful that I have to listen to the guy who lived above ne have sex. Yay.


Maybe I need to grow up and quit bitching. So what I look old. I trashed my body for a long time.

Soberpotamus

I felt this way too, but I was in my mid 30's when I had to deal with it. At least you are going through this in your 20's. We all have to come to learn to accept and like the things about ourselves that challenge us. Self-acceptance. Focus on your strengths and the things you do like, and then little by little, try to examine and accept the parts you don't like so much.

All I can tell you is that I had a pretty rough time the past year or so for this very reason... just coming to look at myself in the mirror and like it. It's hard. But I think you'll be able to come to terms, just take it easy at first. I would examine myself in the mirror from all angles and it just ate me up inside for months. My husband couldn't understand it really, thought I should have gone through it at an earlier age... and I probably would have had I not been a drinker.

So, be thankful you are going to go through this in your 20's! You can do it.

Crossfitdad

Acheleus: I'd get back on the smokes if I were you...you can kick them later. Or do like me a go buy some nicotine lozenges and get hooked on them...or maybe some dip. My point is is that you're trying too much at once. My $.02.

Sally3127

Don't give up. If you don't like your grey hairs go to a local salon and get some highlights and a new do. It could perk you up. Just don't drink. You won't feel any better about yourself if you do. You will just feel worse. Give it time. One day at a time. We are all pilling for you. It does get better.

Acheleus

I suppose I just felt bad about how much damage I have done with cigarettes and alcohol. I really don't want to study for this test tomorrow but I have to, even though I can't concentrate and feel tired. Maybe tonight I can go buy some stuff to decorate the walls of my bedroom. They are bare and horrible, I need to make my place more like a home instead of a prison. I did try the OTC dye before but I don't think it worked. I really don't know what is wrong with me these days, maybe my counselor can help me tomorrow. I'm just feeling stuck, like I had been moving forward and progressing but now I have hit a wall. The scary thing is I didn't drink all day every day, I just would binge drink when I would tell myself, "**** it," and it would be over. Sometimes I think maybe I can't do this healthy living stuff, exercise and drinking water, whatever. Something about myself is missing, and I loved smoking and drinking, even though it hurt me. Maybe I will lie down and try to take a nap or something. Thank you guys for the support. I hope everyone is having a great Sunday.

Nuudawn

Aw sweetie. Soberjennie zeroed in on exactly what I was thinking. All of this...all of it is about your unacceptance of yourself. Why do you think you drink and smoke?? To get the hell away from your own self loathing! That's what I did. That's what smoking and drinking was ALL about for me. I remember in a previous quit..I remember looking in the mirror and the..judgements and criticisms in my brain were overwhelming...it was downright self abuse. I RAN to the store to buy cigarettes to stop the effin abuse..it was hideous.
Your last few posts were beautiful..so honest and painful...I bet we have ALL felt like that..that horrible self loathing..that's what you want to run away from hon...that's it.

But you are young and so full of life...I beg you...deal with it now...you are amazing and beautiful and honest and real..and you just got to start the painful journey of learning that.