Still in shock...
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Be prepared he's going to beg and plead and promise it will never happen again. He will tell you how sorry he is and give him one more chance. He will say that he's willing to do anything to save the relationship. I know I was the one doing the begging and pleading. I meant it at the time but alcohol always pulled me back. it was not until I had been sober for a significant period of time that I could be trusted at all
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
Be prepared he's going to beg and plead and promise it will never happen again. He will tell you how sorry he is and give him one more chance. He will say that he's willing to do anything to save the relationship. I know I was the one doing the begging and pleading. I meant it at the time but alcohol always pulled me back. it was not until I had been sober for a significant period of time that I could be trusted at all
I'm not sure what to expect really... He could come back with I'm a crazy b*tch and its over (apparently his history is to cut and run when the going gets tough) but he has stuck it out with me through several other arguments stemming from his alcohol abuse so... I just don't know. I DO know it will be hard to stay strong because I love him but I have to love myself and my kids more
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by wolfpackfan45
Stay within your hula hoop and don't step out. Placing boundaries and taking care of yourself and your kids right now is the best thing you can do. Unfortunately he has to fix himself and you can't do that for him. If you can attend an Al Anon meeting please do so. They'll understand and help you.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Good for you for checking into Alanon! You seem to be very willing to listen and learn, and that will help you so much in dealing with the situation you are in right now.
I'd also like to second the suggestion to you about reading/posting in the "Family and Friends of Alcoholics" section of this forum, as I think you'll learn a lot there, especially about how much all alcoholics have in common. That might help keep you from taking things personally, to know that this is how some alcoholics act, and make it easier for you to do what you need to in order to keep yourself and kids safe.
Hope you do make it to that meeting; please post and let us know how it went, OK?
I'd also like to second the suggestion to you about reading/posting in the "Family and Friends of Alcoholics" section of this forum, as I think you'll learn a lot there, especially about how much all alcoholics have in common. That might help keep you from taking things personally, to know that this is how some alcoholics act, and make it easier for you to do what you need to in order to keep yourself and kids safe.
Hope you do make it to that meeting; please post and let us know how it went, OK?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by IsThisMe
LOL It's an acronym for fly in, fly out. He was working on the mines in the goldfields of Western Australia. So he would fly out to work for 2 weeks and then fly in home for 1. Repeat.
He is Mr. Hyde right now, and you are right to distance yourself in any way possible. He is a danger to you, himself, anyone on the road...Al Anon is wonderful; it will help.
Meanwhile, be careful!!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Originally Posted by MIRecovery
Be prepared he's going to beg and plead and promise it will never happen again. He will tell you how sorry he is and give him one more chance. He will say that he's willing to do anything to save the relationship. I know I was the one doing the begging and pleading. I meant it at the time but alcohol always pulled me back. it was not until I had been sober for a significant period of time that I could be trusted at all
You seem to be very wise to what you need to do, for all of you. You must know that you are worth the effort to remove him from your life. He'll find his own way out of this, and probably will quicker on his own. I sometimes think how my GF may of gotten help had I managed to stay away from her. Rarely these days tho' do I think of her or then, only here at SR///....Sometimes, there is no going back. No fix. Just moving on.
My best to you and the kids. Good head on your shoulders...very inspiring.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by IsThisMe
Thank you, everyone for your responses. It sounds terrible but there is comfort in shared experiences and I appreciate everyone's advice/input.
After some very deep thought and hours of conversation with a friend who has been through a similar experience, I've made a decision.
He has to move out. For the physical, emotional and psychological safety of myself and my kids, not to mention the right we have to a peaceful and pleasant home. I'm not ready to eject him from my life completely (and am a bit nervous about his reaction to cutting ties completely - feel like easing into it is safer for all of us given the temper he displayed) but we cannot live together at least for now and possibly for good.
You are all so right. He needs to want help for HIMSELF and not just for us or to "keep the peace" or save the relationship. He can't do that here and I am not willing to take responsibility for "fixing" him. And the last thing I want is to enable him any more than I already have.
I am not afraid of being alone... I'm twice divorced already and I'm smart and capable and experience in going it on my own... All the more reason I can't believe I'm in this situation. I know it sounds cold but I made it clear from the beginning that in a fire I would use his body to dampen the flames to get to my kids. They come first... Always.
Doesn't make it any less painful or heartbreaking and I genuinely hope he finds the strength and right reasons to change. Reading through here has shown me that its not likely our relationship will survive this but I will, and maybe he will too in time.
The hard part is still to come.... Telling him once the restraining order is up in a way that is clear and leaves nomroom for argument.
After some very deep thought and hours of conversation with a friend who has been through a similar experience, I've made a decision.
He has to move out. For the physical, emotional and psychological safety of myself and my kids, not to mention the right we have to a peaceful and pleasant home. I'm not ready to eject him from my life completely (and am a bit nervous about his reaction to cutting ties completely - feel like easing into it is safer for all of us given the temper he displayed) but we cannot live together at least for now and possibly for good.
You are all so right. He needs to want help for HIMSELF and not just for us or to "keep the peace" or save the relationship. He can't do that here and I am not willing to take responsibility for "fixing" him. And the last thing I want is to enable him any more than I already have.
I am not afraid of being alone... I'm twice divorced already and I'm smart and capable and experience in going it on my own... All the more reason I can't believe I'm in this situation. I know it sounds cold but I made it clear from the beginning that in a fire I would use his body to dampen the flames to get to my kids. They come first... Always.
Doesn't make it any less painful or heartbreaking and I genuinely hope he finds the strength and right reasons to change. Reading through here has shown me that its not likely our relationship will survive this but I will, and maybe he will too in time.
The hard part is still to come.... Telling him once the restraining order is up in a way that is clear and leaves nomroom for argument.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by IsThisMe
He is the most gentle, easy-going person I have ever met and the person
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