Weasel1966

I am heart broken.

Back in December my partner hit me. Pretty bad. Since then I cannot escape it. I see him I think of it everyday. How can I stay with this having happened? How can I leave him with so much love still uncharted?

I lost my will this weekend. I drank terribly. I just did not want to feel. But that's not what I will allow to continue. It did not help at all. I could not see that Friday but I can today.

Heading to a meeting tonight. I think I need to hear people talk about what this has done to them. I need to normalize my perspective a bit.

I have lost a great deal. I am not even sure I have much left to lose but I guess I do. I still cannot seem to stop the momentum of loss. But I have to skid to a stop soon. It's inevitable. And when I get back to this person I want to be I am sure I will be fine. I accept the consequences of my actions. I accept it all.

Anyway... At work. Drinking lots of water. Eating well. Back at it.

Scott6433

Weasel does your partner drink?

Weasel1966

Yes. We were both very drunk when this happened.

soberclover

Thinking of you and sending you big hugs! I am proud of you

Hevyn

"It did not help at all"....that's what I finally came to realize. Getting numb just puts everything on hold - nothing's accomplished. Then we have the hangover, remorse thing to deal with on top of the original problem. I know you see that. I know how hard it is to rise above those things that hurt us deeply. Glad you came here to talk about it.

Weasel1966

Thank you hevyn. I do know that. I just am having trouble with this. I cannot stay and I cannot go. I just am very sad. It seems easy to drink it away but it's not. It did not make sense to me. Guess that's a big step forward.

Scott6433

You are a strong man then. Keep up the forward momentum. Let it propel you further. You well know the other option. Just look at the basic theory of locomotion. Not only was it a great song song by Kylie Minogue but it has it's scientific bearing. Remember...forward...not backwards.

Fandy

Sending you my very best strength vibes....We need you HERE, not back out THERE.

(i keep thinking of the old Clash song, Should I stay or Should I go)?

stay back at it...drink your water, eat something, vent with us...and hopefully you can find some FTF support maybe one on one with a therapist....it was a very traumatic event and injury both inside and out...you can't just sweep it out the door with the dirt.

Weasel1966

Thank you Scott. I plan on not letting this blow up any more than it has. I will be moving forward. At least with regard to not drinking. The relationship stuff will take more time to move.

Fandy.... It was very traumatic. I still cannot seem to wrap my head around it. I keep wanting to pretend it never happened but its not possible. I have been changed by the experience. Like I said. The sadness runs deep.

Like2Hike

Echoing Fandy's words please stay out of the abyss and here with us. Your posts and insights have been incredibly helpful in my sober journey.

Hevyn

How shallow would you be if you just went on like nothing happened? You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. It will require much contemplation to decide on the healthiest way to go. (I've been in a similar situation and it tore me up - but I kept drinking all through it, and still am not sure I did the right thing many years later.)

(Scott - before it was Kylie, it was Little Eva. Back in the day. )

Weasel1966

Thank you L2H.... I am not going anywhere. I need the support I get here to much.

Hevyn... I just have been stopped dead in my tracks. I just don't know yet what the next thing to do is so I am doing nothing. Just trying to nurture myself first. But I need to stay sober to do that. So... Back at it is all I can come up with at the moment. I have my plan. I need to execute on it.

Threshold

Sorry you drank. So glad you stopped and are still here with us.

I don't pretend to know what the answer is for your situation, but I will share this part of my experience. A relationship in which we feel we need to drug ourselves to stay a part of...IS a disease, and if we can excise it from our lives,we can heal, move on and live healthy.

My marriage of 25 yrs came to an end. Talk about scary. But here I am. During the course of that process I relapsed a few times...did it help? no. Did it save the relationship? no. Did it help me deal? no. Did it help me feel better? no.

It didn't do anything but prolong that bad stuff, and delay healing and recovery.

Dying an F'd up wasted drunk is worse than mourning a lost relationship, healing and having a better life.

LDT

^^^ This exactly.

Mizzuno

Hey Ken,
I am sorry for your struggles within the relationship. I know that you are hurting over this. Forgiving what others have done to us is hard at times. I hope that you and your partner will find a way to overcome this, and walk into the future. Are you and your partner seeing a therapist? Do you think this would help?
Please continue to post. Remain sober Ken. This is the only way that we can truly work through our issues.

soberjim

Ken...I am sorry to hear that buddy..keep strong...drinking is not going to help you through this...but you know that...

take care of yourself.

Jim

trikyriky

I can't comment on the relationship as i have avoided having one for some time. I need to end my relationship with drugs to have any success in love. If you both come clean of alcohol , could there be a chance. Best wishes

Weasel1966

We have been together 19 years. It seems hard to imagine not being with him. I never intended to leave... Ever. But this event as we call it is daunting to me. I curve I never saw coming. It takes me a bit of time to recalculate myself with this in the mix.

All your support is really touching today. I am thankful for it.

Weasel1966

Could there be a chance? Good question. It's the one rolling around in my head daily.

OneLessLonely

I am so sad to have read what you're dealing with right now. Does he know you feel this way, still think about it often? Are you guys going to counseling together and/or separate? If not, I think it might be worth considering. If you already are, try to find something else to add because clearly what you guys are doing is not working to heal the relationship or you wouldn't have drank. If there's nothing left to add and you're just staying because you dont want to experience the hurt of leaving, then I'll echo what Fandy said, that it will hurt to break up but it will hurt less than dying an alcoholic death.