Back at it
Here's the deal. I was sticking around to see how he handled all this.
He does not go to therapy. Won't. I do
He does not go to meetings. Won't. I do.
I have not been witness to anything on his part to overcome this except he does now treat me very kindly. That's not enough. Period.
I hear you all. I sound like an idiot typing this as it seems obvious what to do. But the heart is a tricky thing. Stubborn and eternally hopeful.
He does not go to therapy. Won't. I do
He does not go to meetings. Won't. I do.
I have not been witness to anything on his part to overcome this except he does now treat me very kindly. That's not enough. Period.
I hear you all. I sound like an idiot typing this as it seems obvious what to do. But the heart is a tricky thing. Stubborn and eternally hopeful.
I'm so sorry to hear about your pain regarding your relationship. You are very strong and please remember that you should be very proud of your incredible strength. Am so glad that you're thinking is back on track for your sobriety. Being sober is so instrumental in driving forward through the most difficult times. I look at it as the vital tool for clarity in guiding us to the light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this, and please remain strong and know that we are all supporting you.
A very memorable piece of advice I received a few years back when I was struggling with a relationship, is to imagine ourselves as our young inner-child and then also imagine ourselves as the model parent. With that mindset, take care of yourself as that model parent to that that child, i.e. not allowing anyone to hit that child or treat them badly, and treat that inner child with healthy love and support. Sometimes if we can view ourselves from that different perspective, we're more inclined to make sure that others are treating us with the love and respect that we deserve.
Glad you are back on the sobriety commitment. We're rooting for you!
A very memorable piece of advice I received a few years back when I was struggling with a relationship, is to imagine ourselves as our young inner-child and then also imagine ourselves as the model parent. With that mindset, take care of yourself as that model parent to that that child, i.e. not allowing anyone to hit that child or treat them badly, and treat that inner child with healthy love and support. Sometimes if we can view ourselves from that different perspective, we're more inclined to make sure that others are treating us with the love and respect that we deserve.
Glad you are back on the sobriety commitment. We're rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Here's the deal. I was sticking around to see how he handled all this.
He does not go to therapy. Won't. I do
He does not go to meetings. Won't. I do.
I have not been witness to anything on his part to overcome this except he does now treat me very kindly. That's not enough. Period.
I hear you all. I sound like an idiot typing this as it seems obvious what to do. But the heart is a tricky thing. Stubborn and eternally hopeful.
He does not go to therapy. Won't. I do
He does not go to meetings. Won't. I do.
I have not been witness to anything on his part to overcome this except he does now treat me very kindly. That's not enough. Period.
I hear you all. I sound like an idiot typing this as it seems obvious what to do. But the heart is a tricky thing. Stubborn and eternally hopeful.
Mizz... I do know the outcome I want intellectually. I also know the outcome I want emotionally. While there is this gap between them I am not taking any action. I am allowing his actions to place the weight on the scales on either side. It is certainly clearing as far as what to do but sometimes I get wrapped up in it and this weekend was one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Mizz... I do know the outcome I want intellectually. I also know the outcome I want emotionally. While there is this gap between them I am not taking any action. I am allowing his actions to place the weight on the scales on either side. It is certainly clearing as far as what to do but sometimes I get wrapped up in it and this weekend was one.
Wow!,!!!!
I never asked myself that question!
Can I forgive him?
Wow.... I don't know why I have not asked this.
That is going to help me a lot. I have a tough time believing that breaking my nose in two places and fracturing my eye socket is in the forgivable category.
Glad I posted today. This was not something I wanted to chat about but it has really been helpful. I am feeling much better than this morning. But the whole thing still scares the sh!t out of me.
I never asked myself that question!
Can I forgive him?
Wow.... I don't know why I have not asked this.
That is going to help me a lot. I have a tough time believing that breaking my nose in two places and fracturing my eye socket is in the forgivable category.
Glad I posted today. This was not something I wanted to chat about but it has really been helpful. I am feeling much better than this morning. But the whole thing still scares the sh!t out of me.
Hi Ken, I saw your post earlier and have wanted to write to you all day. I am so sorry you had a rough weekend and are going through this turmoil. You are such a force of positive energy and support here on SR that I hate to think of you hurting in any way.
I think Mizz's point above is indeed a good one about forgiveness and whether you are able to continue to go forward with your partner given the events of the past. I also had something similar happen to me many years ago with someone I had been with for about seven years. It was a drunken episode and I did not sustain physical injuries like yours but it was the first time violence had cropped up in our relationship and he had gotten physical with me. It was also the first time I got an inkling that I maybe had a problem with drinking. At the end of the day, I loved this person deeply but I could not get past the fact that he had gotten physical with me in an argument. No matter that we were drunk or not. I kept seeing it again and again even though it never repeated itself. I was pretty young at the time (mid-20s) and used to drink and then beg of him "Why, why, why??" Questions he couldn't answer and, actually, wan't particularly interested in exploring further. If I had had some more maturity about me at the time I probably would have tried therapy although I am not sure he would have been willing as he sort of brushed it off as a "We were both drunk and stupid" moment. But I do know how you feel and I know how much it must hurt for you right now given how much love you have for your partner.
So I guess I would indeed start with an examination as to whether or not you can forgive him for this episode even if he continues on not agreeing to go to therapy or meetings or participate in recovery. Sounds like you may need to take one thing at a time to process. In any case, violence is NEVER acceptable and no one, no matter how much they've had to drink or to use, deserves to ever be abused. EVER. Period.
Whatever you decide, know that we're all behind you 150%.
Many hugs and good wishes to you today. Will be thinking about you and sending you good vibes!
I think Mizz's point above is indeed a good one about forgiveness and whether you are able to continue to go forward with your partner given the events of the past. I also had something similar happen to me many years ago with someone I had been with for about seven years. It was a drunken episode and I did not sustain physical injuries like yours but it was the first time violence had cropped up in our relationship and he had gotten physical with me. It was also the first time I got an inkling that I maybe had a problem with drinking. At the end of the day, I loved this person deeply but I could not get past the fact that he had gotten physical with me in an argument. No matter that we were drunk or not. I kept seeing it again and again even though it never repeated itself. I was pretty young at the time (mid-20s) and used to drink and then beg of him "Why, why, why??" Questions he couldn't answer and, actually, wan't particularly interested in exploring further. If I had had some more maturity about me at the time I probably would have tried therapy although I am not sure he would have been willing as he sort of brushed it off as a "We were both drunk and stupid" moment. But I do know how you feel and I know how much it must hurt for you right now given how much love you have for your partner.
So I guess I would indeed start with an examination as to whether or not you can forgive him for this episode even if he continues on not agreeing to go to therapy or meetings or participate in recovery. Sounds like you may need to take one thing at a time to process. In any case, violence is NEVER acceptable and no one, no matter how much they've had to drink or to use, deserves to ever be abused. EVER. Period.
Whatever you decide, know that we're all behind you 150%.
Many hugs and good wishes to you today. Will be thinking about you and sending you good vibes!
Last edited by Ptcapote; 06-03-2013 at 01:23 PM. Reason: typo
Ken,
I agree about the forgiveness issue. A couple I love dearly, have been terribly changed by events in their relationship. Unable to forgive, staying, but stuffing feelings aside, has made my loved one toxic
I'm glad you're getting some counseling and are back on track with taking care of yourself. We are ALL rooting for you here at SR
I agree about the forgiveness issue. A couple I love dearly, have been terribly changed by events in their relationship. Unable to forgive, staying, but stuffing feelings aside, has made my loved one toxic
I'm glad you're getting some counseling and are back on track with taking care of yourself. We are ALL rooting for you here at SR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
I'm so sorry to hear about your pain regarding your relationship. You are very strong and please remember that you should be very proud of your incredible strength. Am so glad that you're thinking is back on track for your sobriety. Being sober is so instrumental in driving forward through the most difficult times. I look at it as the vital tool for clarity in guiding us to the light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this, and please remain strong and know that we are all supporting you.
A very memorable piece of advice I received a few years back when I was struggling with a relationship, is to imagine ourselves as our young inner-child and then also imagine ourselves as the model parent. With that mindset, take care of yourself as that model parent to that that child, i.e. not allowing anyone to hit that child or treat them badly, and treat that inner child with healthy love and support. Sometimes if we can view ourselves from that different perspective, we're more inclined to make sure that others are treating us with the love and respect that we deserve.
Glad you are back on the sobriety commitment. We're rooting for you!
A very memorable piece of advice I received a few years back when I was struggling with a relationship, is to imagine ourselves as our young inner-child and then also imagine ourselves as the model parent. With that mindset, take care of yourself as that model parent to that that child, i.e. not allowing anyone to hit that child or treat them badly, and treat that inner child with healthy love and support. Sometimes if we can view ourselves from that different perspective, we're more inclined to make sure that others are treating us with the love and respect that we deserve.
Glad you are back on the sobriety commitment. We're rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Weasel,
I am so very sorry to hear about what you are going through, and I understand your pain and confusion. I was in an abusive relationship for several years, and even if what happened in your relationship was the first - and perhaps only time - I think violence irrevocably changes the dynamic of any relationship in a way that is very hard to revoke. Is your partner being emotionally abusive or controlling?
I can only speak from my own experience, but the reason I kept staying wasn't really for love (although I convinced myself it was) but because I lacked a sense of self worth and was very critical of myself. I didn't think I deserved better, although at the same time I wanted to prove that I could indeed be a good person, that I wasn't the person he tried to convince me I was. Love can easily be confused with dependence, being dependent on someone defining you - whether it is a positive or negative definition.
Being sober has allowed me to begin a process in which I am trying to redefine myself, or rather redefine my negative thoughts about myself. It will take time, but I feel that I am on the right path.
I cannot tell you what to do, all I can say is that I wish I had left after the first blow.
I am so very sorry to hear about what you are going through, and I understand your pain and confusion. I was in an abusive relationship for several years, and even if what happened in your relationship was the first - and perhaps only time - I think violence irrevocably changes the dynamic of any relationship in a way that is very hard to revoke. Is your partner being emotionally abusive or controlling?
I can only speak from my own experience, but the reason I kept staying wasn't really for love (although I convinced myself it was) but because I lacked a sense of self worth and was very critical of myself. I didn't think I deserved better, although at the same time I wanted to prove that I could indeed be a good person, that I wasn't the person he tried to convince me I was. Love can easily be confused with dependence, being dependent on someone defining you - whether it is a positive or negative definition.
Being sober has allowed me to begin a process in which I am trying to redefine myself, or rather redefine my negative thoughts about myself. It will take time, but I feel that I am on the right path.
I cannot tell you what to do, all I can say is that I wish I had left after the first blow.
The heart is a tricky thing Ken. But none of us is all heart.
We have heads too...and hands and feet.
You have some tough decisions to make - and drinking is just the opposite of making a decision....it's the non decision, par excellence.
If you'd rather not make a decision, and that leads you back to drinking...then I'm afraid it's even more imperative for you to make a decision for change, whatever that might be
D
We have heads too...and hands and feet.
You have some tough decisions to make - and drinking is just the opposite of making a decision....it's the non decision, par excellence.
If you'd rather not make a decision, and that leads you back to drinking...then I'm afraid it's even more imperative for you to make a decision for change, whatever that might be
D
Thank you so much......really!
I go from feeling as loved by him as when we first met... To looking at the pictures of my broken face. And I cry. I cry. I hate saying that. But better to admit than to hide. Same with drinking. Admit. Don't hide.
I know what I need to do. I have only been ambiguose in theroy. I just have to learn to accept it for myself.
Hitting is never ok. How I react to it is interesting. I was hit many times as a child. I thought that was gone. So to bring this to that.... Well... Time to process.
I have been givin a chance here. To be honest with myself. To undo things of the past in some strange way.
Thanks again for the love and support.
I go from feeling as loved by him as when we first met... To looking at the pictures of my broken face. And I cry. I cry. I hate saying that. But better to admit than to hide. Same with drinking. Admit. Don't hide.
I know what I need to do. I have only been ambiguose in theroy. I just have to learn to accept it for myself.
Hitting is never ok. How I react to it is interesting. I was hit many times as a child. I thought that was gone. So to bring this to that.... Well... Time to process.
I have been givin a chance here. To be honest with myself. To undo things of the past in some strange way.
Thanks again for the love and support.
No experience with the specific situation as far as physical violence but I feel for you Ken!
I have some experience with forgiving some tough stuff and not being able to forgive certain things also. For me time has been the main ingredient. Staying sober has helped me to see some of the stuff more clearly too. Either way it is frustrating to be put in that situation.
For me the hardest part has been getting out of a situation once and for all but still having to work on forgiving the person for my own peace. I found out that it is possible though
It is a journey not an event. I hope you will stop getting intoxicated though. Alcohol or drugs really cannot help in any situation let alone such an emotionally charged one.
Glad you posted about it!
Take it easy on yourself..
I have some experience with forgiving some tough stuff and not being able to forgive certain things also. For me time has been the main ingredient. Staying sober has helped me to see some of the stuff more clearly too. Either way it is frustrating to be put in that situation.
For me the hardest part has been getting out of a situation once and for all but still having to work on forgiving the person for my own peace. I found out that it is possible though
It is a journey not an event. I hope you will stop getting intoxicated though. Alcohol or drugs really cannot help in any situation let alone such an emotionally charged one.
Glad you posted about it!
Take it easy on yourself..
Hey pal,
Just wanted to reach out and let you know I'm thinking of ya. Really sorry to hear about all the drama, the drinking, and the depression: The "Three D's" eh?
I am so alone in the world that I often long for a girlfriend, a partner in life, etc. But sometimes I wonder if a relationship could ever last amidst that kind of personal battle. I had a diamond ring ready to give my lovely girlfriend, right before I went down the drain. I thank the Gods of Mordor that I never proposed to her, we'd have never made it through my sobriety quest anyway. Your issues bring to mind the great pressures that we deal with in our personal lives, with regards to life partners and spouses. What a tangled web we weave for ourselves, eh?
Anyway, I digress. Again, my sympathies man. Sounds like a tough road, but if I have faith of anyone on this board to figure out the right thing to do, it's you. Search your heart - what's do you think is truly the "right thing" to do? Follow that as best you can, I know it's not easy but it's probably the healthiest way to move forward. My best to you Weasel, I hope you give yourself a break, relax, do something you enjoy and let the answers come to you naturally. Good luck.
Just wanted to reach out and let you know I'm thinking of ya. Really sorry to hear about all the drama, the drinking, and the depression: The "Three D's" eh?
I am so alone in the world that I often long for a girlfriend, a partner in life, etc. But sometimes I wonder if a relationship could ever last amidst that kind of personal battle. I had a diamond ring ready to give my lovely girlfriend, right before I went down the drain. I thank the Gods of Mordor that I never proposed to her, we'd have never made it through my sobriety quest anyway. Your issues bring to mind the great pressures that we deal with in our personal lives, with regards to life partners and spouses. What a tangled web we weave for ourselves, eh?
Anyway, I digress. Again, my sympathies man. Sounds like a tough road, but if I have faith of anyone on this board to figure out the right thing to do, it's you. Search your heart - what's do you think is truly the "right thing" to do? Follow that as best you can, I know it's not easy but it's probably the healthiest way to move forward. My best to you Weasel, I hope you give yourself a break, relax, do something you enjoy and let the answers come to you naturally. Good luck.
ach Weasel, so sorry to hear that.
suffering.
and with violence comes fear, if it wasn't there before.
and a violation of trust.
feeling safe and that we can trust our partner.........seems a necessity to a decent relationship.
no, you're no idiot.
so good to hear you're back at it!
hm....thinking now of a line from Adrienne Rich: "...to love, this time, with all my intelligence".
not leaving the mind behind. or dulling it. drowning it in drink. wanting it there, with heart.
stick around. you already know this is a good place.
suffering.
and with violence comes fear, if it wasn't there before.
and a violation of trust.
feeling safe and that we can trust our partner.........seems a necessity to a decent relationship.
no, you're no idiot.
so good to hear you're back at it!
hm....thinking now of a line from Adrienne Rich: "...to love, this time, with all my intelligence".
not leaving the mind behind. or dulling it. drowning it in drink. wanting it there, with heart.
stick around. you already know this is a good place.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Thank you so much......really!
I go from feeling as loved by him as when we first met... To looking at the pictures of my broken face. And I cry. I cry. I hate saying that. But better to admit than to hide. Same with drinking. Admit. Don't hide.
I know what I need to do. I have only been ambiguose in theroy. I just have to learn to accept it for myself.
Hitting is never ok. How I react to it is interesting. I was hit many times as a child. I thought that was gone. So to bring this to that.... Well... Time to process.
I have been givin a chance here. To be honest with myself. To undo things of the past in some strange way.
Thanks again for the love and support.
I go from feeling as loved by him as when we first met... To looking at the pictures of my broken face. And I cry. I cry. I hate saying that. But better to admit than to hide. Same with drinking. Admit. Don't hide.
I know what I need to do. I have only been ambiguose in theroy. I just have to learn to accept it for myself.
Hitting is never ok. How I react to it is interesting. I was hit many times as a child. I thought that was gone. So to bring this to that.... Well... Time to process.
I have been givin a chance here. To be honest with myself. To undo things of the past in some strange way.
Thanks again for the love and support.
I know that you will find the truth in this situation. You will come out on the other side with resolve. This life experience is filled with so many unknowns, but we have so much opportunity to grow. To love. To accept. To learn how to forgive that which seems un-forgiveable. You are walking in the right direction. Keep processing, and know that we are here for you. I pray that tomorrow is a better day for you. light and love Ken!
Ken,
I knew the second I found out that a past gf had cheated on me that I would never be able to forgive her for it. We still "stayed" together for awhile after, but it just made the relationship completely toxic and the eventual breakup a million times worse. I don't know if your situation falls into the "unforgiveness" category or not, but knowing that answer at a deep, intrapersonal level, can help lead you into making the right decision, not necessarily the easiest decision.
I knew the second I found out that a past gf had cheated on me that I would never be able to forgive her for it. We still "stayed" together for awhile after, but it just made the relationship completely toxic and the eventual breakup a million times worse. I don't know if your situation falls into the "unforgiveness" category or not, but knowing that answer at a deep, intrapersonal level, can help lead you into making the right decision, not necessarily the easiest decision.
Wow!,!!!!
I never asked myself that question!
Can I forgive him?
Wow.... I don't know why I have not asked this.
That is going to help me a lot. I have a tough time believing that breaking my nose in two places and fracturing my eye socket is in the forgivable category.
Glad I posted today. This was not something I wanted to chat about but it has really been helpful. I am feeling much better than this morning. But the whole thing still scares the sh!t out of me.
I never asked myself that question!
Can I forgive him?
Wow.... I don't know why I have not asked this.
That is going to help me a lot. I have a tough time believing that breaking my nose in two places and fracturing my eye socket is in the forgivable category.
Glad I posted today. This was not something I wanted to chat about but it has really been helpful. I am feeling much better than this morning. But the whole thing still scares the sh!t out of me.
and forgiving isn't the same as forgetting, or acting like the event didn't take place or giving ourselves an excuse to not act. It means we let go of the resentment and move on in the direction that is best for all parties concerned.
I've forgiven people for worse than that, but I have also altered the relationship appropriately. That may or may not mean ending it, but forgiving has nothing to do with not taking action.
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