merz77

I can answer my own initial question really can't I?
It's probably a clue that I stopped drinking wine each day as I couldn't manage my "off switch" and moved to bottles of beer as it was easier to moderate. Unless I'm out then I love being drunk - not sure why even?

My bottles of beer at home are increasing too 4 a night over the last few weeks.

I need some time off boozing.

Ty everyone for reading & sharing.

red3215

Hi Merz. I look at it this way. It wasn't really alcohol I wanted. I wanted an illusion. And that illusion was so strong I believed it. Not all the time, but I never knew when it would come back. The illusion was that I would control how much I drank and that I'd be better off for drinking because it would help me sleep, cope with pain, socialize....or whatever.
Then I'd wake up with remorse and fierce determination to really stop, but also terrified because I knew I had been that determined many, many times and yet the illusion came back against my will.

I noticed this illusion didn't taunt me on days I committed to staying sober first thing in the morning, and then spent a significant amount of time on this board and reviewing my reasons for staying sober that I had written down.
I think the key is to spend a lot of time fighting this thing even when you don't feel like drinking. The first three weeks should be very intense and sobriety your biggest focus.
But even after years of sobriety it's good to keep reminding yourself you have a condition that could return if you start thinking you can control it again.
Don't imagine yourself drinking and how good it will feel. That will just make the illusion more believable.
Best of luck

JustTony

Mertz,

Be careful tonight.

I lay in bed all day on Tuesday just gone with every bone and muscle in my body aching. My head was pounding and my liver hurt. I hated myself.

By 5pm I wanted to buy three bottles of wine.

My wife had finally had enough and somehow made me just say no for that night.

I'm now on day 6.

If it wasn't for her I would still be on day zero.

Please stay strong this evening. The hardest thing is taking that first step.

Tony

Fusion

Hi Merz, I'm glad you returned to SR, please stay. You opened this thread in 2013 and your most recent post says 'I need some time off boozing'. That's a very self-aware observation and it's also one you can perform. Truly, please believe me when I say you can stop drinking, and.....also be content without tipping it down your throat.

It's impossible to put an old head on a younger body (as my grandmother used to say) but alcohol addiction, dependance, alcohol use disorder, whatever you want to call it; only seems to worsen from the point where someone decides they're drinking too much, almost against their own wish to reduce or stop consumption.

It's an ambivalence and in neuroscience terms, it's perfectly understandable and may be countered and stopped. I'd bet that YOU, the real, true, authentic self you, (that wrote the above post) wants to stop drinking. Yet, there's a part of you, an Addictive Voice or feeling in your head, that's still a part of you (but mistakenly believes you NEED alcohol) and unlike you, it wants to drink?

Mizzuno

Merz77
The roller coaster ride of active drinking is a losing battle. Switching to a different alcohol only continues to perpetuate the cycle and nothing is gained.

In my last phase, I started to think that I could drink Rum and not have as many calories and maybe I would drink less? I never purchased the Rum. I never switched. I knew this thought was going to be the nail in the coffin if I acted on it. It scared the **** out of me. To see where my thoughts were actually going.

Thankfully, I got off the ride and walked away before the progression became something insurmountable.

Just my experience.

merz77

thanks Tony, similarly for me - bed all day aching & hating myself.

I'm already thinking about a beer, but I'm not going to have one. I'm going to do it one day at a time, I've no clue how long it can last but I'm hurting myself & my OH and that's not okay.

Dee74

Welcome back Merz

D

merz77

Thanks Dee.

I think that this evening (uk time) will be tough, normally just have a number of beers in the evening so really going to try and not have any today, day of work to get through before I worry about all that.

Have a good day everyone.

Done4today

I was there for 10 plus years. I found any and every excuse to drink. You appear to have great self awareness. Get completely honest with yourself the answers are there. Good luck and many prayers

Done4today

Oops, just realized that quote was from almost 4 years ago.

Welcome back merz77

Berrybean

Good morning Merz. Hope work goes smoothly, but in the event of it NOT, just try to remember that having a drink changes nothing. And if you need to get a really early night tonight to avoid drinking, then have an early night.

Have you explained your aim to your partner? It might help if they know what you're doing, and that it will be likely be tough for you, and possibly them as well. (Most of us weren't easy to be around for the first weeks of getting sober, and sometimes it's hard for our nearest and dearest friends and family to understand and not take things personally as we can tend to isolate a little when we get restless, irritable and discontent). Try to remember HALTS as well. Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired- Sick or Scared, and try to take steps to avoid these rattling you wherever possible.

Have you considered going to a meeting tonight?

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

AlericB

Good luck this evening Merz.

I'm only two weeks ahead of you and something that helped me on my first evening was something I read here. This was that no one ever wakes up in the morning wishing they had drunk the night before.

This clicked with me and gave me encouragement for the first night and when I woke up I realised it was true!

merz77

Its embarrassing to see me making the same mistakes time & time again, even with a 4 year gap. I've drank to serious excess in between these posts, and moderated my daily drinks to something more manageable and less argumnetive ( beers instead of wine). I'm a terrible drunk I've realised today & im terrible at abstinence & restraint (knowing when to stop on a night out).

I'm a little anxious about today, day 1 no evening beers, I'm excluding yesterday as I was very hungover & drank till the early hours Saturday.. I had a week day break not long after my very 1st post, that helped me quit wine. But I still drank at weekends.

What's the saying .. I'm not going to have a drink today ... wish me luck, a first of many firsts :-)

Hevyn

I'm so glad you came back to talk about what's going on, merz. I was a slow learner too - but here I am heading towards 10 yrs. sober. I no longer miss it at all - the thing I thought I could never live without.

merz77

Ty Hevyn. I'm glad to be back, I think I'm ready now too.

Berrybean

Good morning Merz. Welcome to Day 2.

Today's top tip is HALTS. That's an acronym for Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired-Sick. Those are some of the most common triggers for cravings (and even now I'm just over 3 years sober, if 2 or more are present at any one time is can cause me to feel rattley. The old restless, irritable and discontent can kick in and my quality of sobriety is affected).

So it's worth planning ahead to avoid those HALT triggers, esp in the early days. So avoid those irritating people where possible, made an advance decision to not get caught up in any workplace or family dramas (they can row just as effectively without our involvement), keep some snacks in your pockets and bag, call or hook up with someone who loves you, and take things easy where you can.

Have a good Tuesday.

You can do this!

BB

merz77

Thanks BB , I appreciate all your advice.

This is the time it's a struggle not to drink. Back from work & normally I'd crack open a beer immediately, but I feel compelled not to. I've made some juice &'I'm going to eat a nice dinner.

Called a family member & was going to chat to them but couldn't bring myself to do it, so cut the call short. I'm glad I did now, I'm very tired as didn't sleep till late last night.

I'm going to make dinner & have an early night.

I've an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow evening so hopefully something good can come of that.

Thanks for the support folks. It means a lot & is much appreciated.

Berrybean

Well done.

OMG I love an early night with a good book. Or even better, an audio book. Love Kindle for this. Just started Alison Bruces new book. Can't beat a good detective novel and hers are set near where I live which make it even more easy to imagine it all happening,

Best of luck with the counsellor tomorrow.

BB

JustTony

I hope you got through tonight ok?

Good luck with the counsellor tomorrow.

merz77

So counselling happened, not sure how I feel about it need some time to process. We talked about lots of stuff, she gave me some tips to plan for this weekend - like actually planning stuff to do!! We talked about urges & handling them so good stuff all in all.

Yesterday was easier not to drink than tonight is, I'm feeling the urge for a drink after a stressful work day & I guess counselling! I'm pushing through tho, won't do it today.

Hope everyone has had a good day & staying strong.