How do you say no convincingly?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I had to close my eyes and imagine what a normal person with dignity, self-worth and good compassionate common sense would say and how they would say it.
I got hung up on imagining what a normal person with dignity, self-worth and good compassionate common sense is even like !!... much less what they would say or do.
God was saying "You've got some work to do my son"
I got , with practice, where I could say "No thank you" ... and if I was questioned or coaxed I could smile and look them in the eye with calm resolve and say "No thank you" again.
That usually did it.
All the best.
Bob R
I got hung up on imagining what a normal person with dignity, self-worth and good compassionate common sense is even like !!... much less what they would say or do.
God was saying "You've got some work to do my son"
I got , with practice, where I could say "No thank you" ... and if I was questioned or coaxed I could smile and look them in the eye with calm resolve and say "No thank you" again.
That usually did it.
All the best.
Bob R
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
I'm one of the people you describe who other people know is serious. Because I am. There is no way possible that anyone is going to talk me into a drink, unless I want to drink. And I don't. I think that winds up coming out in the delivery. I rarely if ever have to say antying more than, "no thanks". If asked why, I say "I don't drink". If asked again I'd repeat it, or just get more clear about it - "drinking and me don't mix well, thanks, but I'm not drinking." If they persisted past that, which actually only happened once that I can remember, I'd be pissed, and they'd know it.
To be completely honest, and I could be totally off because I don't know anything at all about you except for this post and what you posted as your sobriety date because I checked... I think the reason you get pressured is because you haven't yet aquired the conviction for youself that it's not going to happen. There's nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that maybe you shouldn't be putting yourself in early sobriety in situations where you have to say no. I stayed away from any and all situations where drinks would be for at least 3 months. I doubt I'd have any conviction whatsoever if people tried to pressure me during that time. It's incredibly difficult to be convincing when you're on shaky ground, but when you're absolutely certain about something is translates. And it comes out naturally without any anger, and fear, any resentment. And if you're not completely convinced yet yourself, people can usually read right through it, no matter how good an actor you might be.
Most people who think being sober means simply putting down the drink and living their life the way they were, wind up drunk again. Some can do that. Not any I know of that drank the way I did. To really keep the drink down I had to change pretty much everything. AA helped me immensely. There are now other recovery options available, but I'm pretty sure that while not perfect (none of them are), AA still has the best track record. If you haven't yet embarked on some sort of recovery program I HIGHLY recommend you do. You may save youself years, if not decades of anguish.
To be completely honest, and I could be totally off because I don't know anything at all about you except for this post and what you posted as your sobriety date because I checked... I think the reason you get pressured is because you haven't yet aquired the conviction for youself that it's not going to happen. There's nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that maybe you shouldn't be putting yourself in early sobriety in situations where you have to say no. I stayed away from any and all situations where drinks would be for at least 3 months. I doubt I'd have any conviction whatsoever if people tried to pressure me during that time. It's incredibly difficult to be convincing when you're on shaky ground, but when you're absolutely certain about something is translates. And it comes out naturally without any anger, and fear, any resentment. And if you're not completely convinced yet yourself, people can usually read right through it, no matter how good an actor you might be.
Most people who think being sober means simply putting down the drink and living their life the way they were, wind up drunk again. Some can do that. Not any I know of that drank the way I did. To really keep the drink down I had to change pretty much everything. AA helped me immensely. There are now other recovery options available, but I'm pretty sure that while not perfect (none of them are), AA still has the best track record. If you haven't yet embarked on some sort of recovery program I HIGHLY recommend you do. You may save youself years, if not decades of anguish.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
I haven't read others' posts yet - but - I found that the below parts of your post are very telling.
Why do you put yourself in positions where you are pressured? That tells me you are surrounding yourself in areas where there is drinking. This is something I rarely do. I mean maybe 2 times in the last year. Avoiding drinking situations would surely help you not be pressured.
Demoralizing? I hardly find living a sober life demoralizing. I'm very interested in your thoughts on why you find not drinking a demoralizing position.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't really have to make myself sound convincing. I've told people I don't drink, and then nothing happens. I think maybe the tone of my voice is what ends any type of needing convincing. If someone really needs to be convinced as to why, I'd say there is an issue with them, not you.
Originally Posted by jazzfish 
...I get pressured seemingly without end.
Originally Posted by jazzfish
...I am tired of being in that demoralizing position.
Originally Posted by jazzfish
How do you say 'no' that makes it pleasant but completely convincing?
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Lost,
Thanks for your response. To clarify, I rarely ever put myself in positions where I will be pressured, if I do it is under legitimate business reasons. Normally, a simple "no" will suffice, but sometimes there is pressure to drink put on me during a regular dinner. I only find being unable to say "no" in way that is convincing and being badgered until I throw a fit to be demoralizing.
Thanks for your response. To clarify, I rarely ever put myself in positions where I will be pressured, if I do it is under legitimate business reasons. Normally, a simple "no" will suffice, but sometimes there is pressure to drink put on me during a regular dinner. I only find being unable to say "no" in way that is convincing and being badgered until I throw a fit to be demoralizing.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by jazzfish
Lost,
Thanks for your response. To clarify, I rarely ever put myself in positions where I will be pressured, if I do it is under legitimate business reasons. Normally, a simple "no" will suffice, but sometimes there is pressure to drink put on me during a regular dinner. I only find being unable to say "no" in way that is convincing and being badgered until I throw a fit to be demoralizing.
Thanks for your response. To clarify, I rarely ever put myself in positions where I will be pressured, if I do it is under legitimate business reasons. Normally, a simple "no" will suffice, but sometimes there is pressure to drink put on me during a regular dinner. I only find being unable to say "no" in way that is convincing and being badgered until I throw a fit to be demoralizing.
I still think the demoralizing phrase is off. It shouldn't require you throwing a fit, and you shouldn't be badgered. Even so, I find that standing your ground against drinking is not demoralizing. I don't think the people doing it to you are exacting a demoralizing behavior either - they have issues with it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by Ruffian
These are great replies. I also like "my body has a hard time processing alcohol, so I shouldn't drink it." This is true. Most people's bodies have a hard time processing alcohol... some more than others.
When people are pressuring you to drink, take a step back and remember their motivations for doing so. It's really not about you, it's about them - they don't want to travel the crooked path to inebriation alone. If you were once a heavy drinker, perhaps you remember what it's like? Your friends don't really care if you get drunk or not... they just want company in their drinking. Alcohol wants you to take your friends with you as you're sliding down the rail.
Focus your interactions with your friends on the camaraderie and the conversation rather than on the drinking. And if they're hellbent on getting sloshed, maybe you don't want to be hanging around there anyway.
When people are pressuring you to drink, take a step back and remember their motivations for doing so. It's really not about you, it's about them - they don't want to travel the crooked path to inebriation alone. If you were once a heavy drinker, perhaps you remember what it's like? Your friends don't really care if you get drunk or not... they just want company in their drinking. Alcohol wants you to take your friends with you as you're sliding down the rail.
Focus your interactions with your friends on the camaraderie and the conversation rather than on the drinking. And if they're hellbent on getting sloshed, maybe you don't want to be hanging around there anyway.
Hi Jazzfish,
When I first stopped drinking I was in a business that had many parties with open bars, when someone asked if I wanted a drink I'd say sure, a" tonic and lime"....mostly end of story, since I had already told most of them I quit drinking.
If I found myself in the company of people unfamiliar with my history they either accepted the tonic and lime....or if pressed I simply told them I was an alcoholic
:codiepolice---that will shut down any conversation, LOL. Just be honest, that will usually take care of the a..h.... rude enough to push you for an answer.Many times my admitting this brought someone to me who thought they might be an alcoholic, and I found that it actually helped some people just being HONEST.
I have to admit I am really surprised at how many posters here seem to evade "I am an alcoholic" as an answer when pressed. Then again it is a very personal thing, and no one needs to know your history.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 210
you can tell people you're allergic to alcohol which is the truth, when you drink it you have an adverse reaction
An allergy is an abnormal reaction of the body to a previously encountered allergen introduced by inhalation, ingestion, injection, or skin contact,
An allergy is an abnormal reaction of the body to a previously encountered allergen introduced by inhalation, ingestion, injection, or skin contact,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Between the Moon & the Stars
Posts: 211
I agree with Trix - if someone doesn't let up I simply tell them I'm an alcoholic. I've only been in this situation once. I am very rarely in an environment where it's an issue. I don't hang out at bars and I don't hang out with many active drinkers. The few I know that do drink are able to drink responsibly and it doesn't bother me. I know for a fact (because I conducted my own near fatal experiment) that I cannot drink without certain death.
I also think that to come across with conviction starts with acceptance. If you know in your heart and your soul that drinking is not an option, that comes across.
Finally, I've found most people don't care. It's very much a me-me-me world and most are only concerned about themselves.
I also think that to come across with conviction starts with acceptance. If you know in your heart and your soul that drinking is not an option, that comes across.
Finally, I've found most people don't care. It's very much a me-me-me world and most are only concerned about themselves.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
How do you say no convincingly?
If you are unsure, feel uneasy then it won't sound convincing and people will try and persuade you into drinking.
Once you are confident enough in your sobriety saying 'no thanks' really does work. Once you stop doubting yourself you have nothing to worry about.
Try and avoid social situations til then if you can x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I decided to tell people that I had challenged myself to stop for a year.
They were intrigued and wanted to know why (I explained it was too much of a habit, that I had cut out smoking and coffee so drink was next, I said every year I gave something up on my birthday - all true).
Some said, can you not just have one?
I said no.
Can you have one and then start again tomorrow.
I said no.
If people were persistent, I would say 'please don't, I am really committed to doing this, don't spoil it for me'
That was usually enough.
I also said I have done 102 days (or however many) and I don't want to loose those days.
Most people actually started to worry that they might push me off the wagon and ruin my challenge. They were almost insistent I had a diet coke or cup of tea.
I think I found out who loved me, who was a true friend, who did not want my company just as a drinking partner....maybe you will too.
They were intrigued and wanted to know why (I explained it was too much of a habit, that I had cut out smoking and coffee so drink was next, I said every year I gave something up on my birthday - all true).
Some said, can you not just have one?
I said no.
Can you have one and then start again tomorrow.
I said no.
If people were persistent, I would say 'please don't, I am really committed to doing this, don't spoil it for me'
That was usually enough.
I also said I have done 102 days (or however many) and I don't want to loose those days.
Most people actually started to worry that they might push me off the wagon and ruin my challenge. They were almost insistent I had a diet coke or cup of tea.
I think I found out who loved me, who was a true friend, who did not want my company just as a drinking partner....maybe you will too.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
I'm going out for dinner shortly with two friends with whom I would always order wine (and then I would continue alone at home).
I emailed them both yesterday telling them that I've been alcohol-free for two months and won't be drinking tonight, as my physical and emotional well being is doing so much better.
I wanted to nip it in the bud. I didn't want to get there and go through the questions. I wanted to make sure they knew beforehand my plans to remain sober. They were very supportive, and I am actually looking forward to eating out without that question of To Drink or Not to Drink hanging over my head.
I emailed them both yesterday telling them that I've been alcohol-free for two months and won't be drinking tonight, as my physical and emotional well being is doing so much better.
I wanted to nip it in the bud. I didn't want to get there and go through the questions. I wanted to make sure they knew beforehand my plans to remain sober. They were very supportive, and I am actually looking forward to eating out without that question of To Drink or Not to Drink hanging over my head.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I say it's against my religeon , Most people in the uk's eyes glaze over when you say that just incase you start proffering them pamphlets or requesting that they repent their sins with you ..
Bestwishes, M
Bestwishes, M
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
just saying "no thanks" matter-of-factly has always been good enough; the most i've gotten is some stares and raised eyebrows of the "is there a problem???" kind, and that repeatedly, and then i just smile and turn away, or ask the other how her day went or what her doc said at her last appointment or ....and they move on. it puts the onus on them to be a jerk and ask or push or offer again....but then, i'm good at being on the offensive, sigh, and most people know i'd be asking them why they have a problem with a simple "no thanks"...
can't tell you how to do it convincingly.....are you feeling convinced when you say it? not saying that i wasn't extremely nervous and worried the first few times i had to do it; i was! but being simple and giving no explanation works best for me, as it seems to convey a message of simple non-interest in the stuff or the topic.
can't tell you how to do it convincingly.....are you feeling convinced when you say it? not saying that i wasn't extremely nervous and worried the first few times i had to do it; i was! but being simple and giving no explanation works best for me, as it seems to convey a message of simple non-interest in the stuff or the topic.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Originally Posted by jazzfish
How do you say 'no' that makes it pleasant but completely convincing?
Works every time...one way or the other.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Hi Guy's,
I find these post very interesting, since HONESTY is the foundation of attaining sobriety.
Many of you had answered a post of of mine by saying "even one drink" after 3 year sobriety would re-set the clock on your sober time. The reason for that would be "honesty with yourself and others'
So why do we need excuses if some dimwit wants an answer to a question he really has no right to. I happen to be very proud of my sobriety and make no excuses for me being in recovery. IMOO we all should be proud to stare someone in the face and tell them just that.....and then ---- off, LOL!
I find these post very interesting, since HONESTY is the foundation of attaining sobriety.
Many of you had answered a post of of mine by saying "even one drink" after 3 year sobriety would re-set the clock on your sober time. The reason for that would be "honesty with yourself and others'
So why do we need excuses if some dimwit wants an answer to a question he really has no right to. I happen to be very proud of my sobriety and make no excuses for me being in recovery. IMOO we all should be proud to stare someone in the face and tell them just that.....and then ---- off, LOL!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't mention my recovery for the same reason I don't talk about certain other personal matters. It's nobody else's business.
Most of the time, anyway. Sometimes the seemingly-inappropriately-curious are people worried about their own drinking, or that of a family member or close friend. Sometimes it can be a service to talk about it, with the right person, and for the right reasons.
But going into my alcoholism and recovery in response to a question about having a drink strikes me a little bit like the little kid who gets a whole explanation about the birds and the bees in response to "Where did I come from?" when he really wants to know if he was born in Nebraska like his friend Sam. TMI.
Most of the time, anyway. Sometimes the seemingly-inappropriately-curious are people worried about their own drinking, or that of a family member or close friend. Sometimes it can be a service to talk about it, with the right person, and for the right reasons.
But going into my alcoholism and recovery in response to a question about having a drink strikes me a little bit like the little kid who gets a whole explanation about the birds and the bees in response to "Where did I come from?" when he really wants to know if he was born in Nebraska like his friend Sam. TMI.
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