TrixMixer

I did not go through AA so I am not sure what the criteria for relapse is.

When does one have to re-set their sober time and begin at day 1

For instance:

Someone is sober for 7 years. A death in the family makes them take 3 days and drink to dull the pain, but day 4 they are back on track with their sobriety and it continues indefinitely. Does that qualify as a relapse severe enough to re-set the sobriety clock and throw out 7 years??

I can see if someone continues to drink for months after that until they are back to where they were. Yep, your starting at day 1, but it seems so unfair to hear these people come on this forum and are just destroyed that a 3 day,1day, bender has them begging for forgiveness and starting from square one.

What say you.

junk33

Me personally would consider one drink as a relapse, i just ended a 12 day run ,now im back to day 1 again , im a golfer though ,i stroke is one stroke ,no mulligans for me ,i drank im back to square one

Anna

That's a relapse, to me, but it's your choice.

The whole purpose of recovery is to learn healthy ways to deal with grief and other strong emotions.

heathersweeds

Hey Trix
I use the program of AA, and the example you give, is definitley a relapse. We believe the relapse happens way before the drink/drug is ingested in the form of behavior. Our program is one of changing our thinking pattern. There is never an excuse to pick up a drink in AA But, if it happens we never have to beg for forgiveness either. It is suggested we practice our 12 steps daily so we are prepared for "life on life's terms"

Dee74

I think we can have the wrong idea that a relapse need be a complete crash and burn.

If you're sober for a year and you drink - you don't magically lose all that you learned and achieved in that year....unless of course you choose to

I do believe it's important to be honest with ourselves tho, so yes, I would 'restart my count'...it would be sobriety version 2.0 for me - 'better faster stronger'

D

suki44883

I agree with the above. No one nor nothing can MAKE a person drink, it's just how they chose to deal with the issue. In my opinion, it is a relapse.

vegibean

My opinion, it's a relapse. At least you're back on track. I had almost five years and am just now coming back, so you're not alone.

Xune

It's a relapse to me. To me having a drink or two, not getting drunk, is a slip.

Getting drunk, even once, is a relapse.

If they're begging for forgiveness, I can't help them. I suspect they need to forgive themselves.

soberlicious

There are definitely different schools of thought on this. Some people count days for years...some don't focus too much, or at all, on counting time.

For me, I drank again after 10 years of abstinence. They were 10 pretty happy years, I did alot of living. Would I discount those years? No. I learned alot in those years. and I weathered many emotional storms without a thought of booze. Those years were not worthless or all for naught.

I don't focus alot on counting time though, because I consider myself a non-drinker. As such, it seems silly to count the days since I've done something that I no longer do, nor will I ever do again. But that's just me. I do acknowledge my yearly date, as the day I changed my life and I do reference my time just for purposes of discussion though.

Just like in everything, different people or groups approach this differently.

LexieCat

When people talk about time sober, it generally means time since the last drink. I agree that it doesn't make the previous time sober disappear, but if I were to take an intentional drink of anything alcoholic I would consider it a relapse because I succumbed to my addiction.

Many diseases have relapses and remissions. Some relapses are relatively minor, but some can be the herald of years more misery. All any of us has, in my opinion, is a continuous period of remission. The duration and quality of the remission tends to be based on how we handle things in our lives (aka our spiritual condition).

So, yeah, I would restart the count if someone were to ask how long I'd been sober. But it isn't the length of time that determines the quality of your sobriety. I know people with one year who are doing amazingly well in life, and others who have struggled through decades of miserably not drinking.

Windancer

I think that whatever you "label" it, relapse, slip or whatever, as long as you are on track again, THAT is what is most important. I used to do the "crash and burn" thing whenever I relapsed..thinking, "well, Ive done it now, may as well do it good". Ive thrown that way of thinking out the window.
Id say if it really bothers you to think of starting back as day one, then dont. Personally, while I like to know how long Ive been sober, I try not to "count every day" so to speak. By that, I mean I want to focus on other aspects of my life every day...not alcohol.
Im truly sorry to hear about your family's loss by the way.

Ohio1

I think that rigorous honesty is important with these types of things. Drinking for 3 days and saying to yourself "I have been sober for 7 years" is not really honest- you weren't sober you got drunk for 3 days. Sober time is a personal thing though and really is no one's business but your own- just saying me personally I would not feel right "forgetting" about those few days and really they should be a learning experience. However for the purposes of talking to others about sobriety I don't think I'd say "I have 30 days" and ignore the fact that I had 7 years before that- there is a big difference between a person with 30 days and a person who had 7 years and drank for 3 days 30 days ago.

TrixMixer

Thank you so much for taking the time to share you views on this subject. I have to say I am really surprised at how many of you feel one drink is considered a relapse. Especially those of you who feel it happens in thought even before the actual consumption.

Pretty tough crew here. I suppose I lean toward cutting those who slip a break because they had the courage to take the hard road and stop drinking.

Although I am probably tougher on the ones who keep making EXCUSES and never just jump in and take a stand.

I happen to actually hold recoverying alcoholics in the highest regard, because of the courage it takes to STOP. I hope you will not fault me for the way I respond to some of the Relapse posts. just feel it is tough enough to get sober who am I to make it more difficult. It seems so discouraging. I suppose I have an even deeper respect for those who have that one drink after years of sobriety and still find the courage to start over.

Pretty sure I do not have their courage, guess that is why it had to work the first time for me. I knew myself too well.

Again I appreciate your time and thoughts.

Trix

LexieCat

Just a couple more thoughts.

It really doesn't matter whether we think about the one drink or the three-day drunk or whatever as a "relapse" or a "slip". What matters is how it affects the alcoholic--and drinking is never good for an alcoholic. It re-ignites the craving for more and basically reboots the addiction.

The other thing is trust. I've heard a lot of alcoholics say that when they first went to AA (since that is where they would most likely hear people talk about sober time) they figured the people who claimed they had five years or 20 years or whatever had to be lying--that nobody could go that long without a drink and really be happy about it. So, in addition to being honest with ourselves (first and foremost), we also owe it to others to be honest. IMO, there is something inspiring about hearing someone share that he has been sober for five years, but had seven years before that, with a year-long relapse. That gives you a fuller picture than simply saying five years.

We all have our own stories. Some include relapses. They aren't necessarily disasters, but they should not be minimized, either. Any relapse is a dangerous situation. It could go either way. It should be taken seriously and prevented, and if not prevented, addressed effectively and not simply brushed off.

My opinion, anyway.

sugarbear1

For me, it would be purposeful drinking, even one ounce would be considered a slip or relapse and my sober time would begin again.

AA is a program of honesty. If I can't be totally honest with myself, I am bound to relapse further, wait, I DID (years ago).

Yes, purposeful drinking for me, no matter how much, even a sip (purposely) would be my relapse.

I wouldn't sleep comfortably with my own lie today.

lilgolden73

A relapse...probably, but I wouldn't be hard on myself unless it continued. People can be hard and very judgemental, it makes people not want to be honest...I made the mistake of putting on here I had a few ounces of wine xmas eve and thought I was gonna have to walk the plank lol! Too each their own, Good luck to you!

Dee74

did you ever go back to drinking before you stopped for the final time Trix?
Just curious.

D

Natom

I'd say relapse. I don't know when the word 'slip' became popular but if you pick up a drink you have relapsed. You didn't slip...you fell. Slip is a word used by people who are too afraid to admit a relapse.

LadyinBC

I would consider it a relapse, however it doesn't take away the time they were sober. I think people sometimes dwell too much on the relapse instead of focusing on what kept them sober during that time. Realizing why you picked up that drink it important, but falling into the feeling sorry for myself or the pity pot can also be bad. Then it becomes all about us again and we lose focus.

courage2

I'm only 29 days sober for the first intentional (not counting pregnancy) time in my adult life, but I don't like the connotations the word "slip" has for me. Sounds like an accident. I'm a grown-up, and if I pick up a drink again, it will be very much on purpose.