Threshold

ForVv,

this is what it sounds like to me. you didn't want to stop drinking, but you stopped...sort of as if "SEE, there I stopped drinking, are you happy now? Well I'M NOT."

grumble grumble...stomp stomp...then spent the next three years focusing on everything you're missing by not drinking.

When I first got clean and sober, I focused on all the things I "couldn't" do any more. I thought that life owed me flowers and candy falling into my lap because I was doing the impossible task of not drinking, and when I didn't get some major reward for it, I got all kinds of pissed off, angry and "that was a failed experiment"

But sobriety wasn't my problem, and drinking/using wasn't my answer. This is my life, either I'm going to live it or I'm not. That's is. I can drink or drug all I want if that's what I choose. I can get clean/sober and stay angry and feel like a martyr, if that's what I choose. Or I can go out and do something...it's a big world out there.

That's, it, pure and simple. No one's going to live my life but me, no one's going to force me to not live my life but me. And the people around me are making their choices for their own reasons. My ex shooed me out the door because HE didn't want to live mired in addiction...MY addiction, and divorcing himself from me was how he distanced himself from addiction. What happened after that was up to me.

The only person who loses if I drown myself in booze and drugs is me. And no one is stopping me. I can use all sorts of things as excuses to go back to that life...but I can no longer lie to myself and pretend that something else is making me do it. (I'm not suggesting you are doing that, I'm just talking about myself here)

I did the whole "blah blah blah..so I may as well drink" thing...and no one really cared. Ok, if you want to drink...well, it was my decision, and my consequences. One day I just decided to stop playing games with myself and stop. just stop. stop dancing with it, stop telling myself I coudn't live without it, stop saying no to my life, stop wasting my time and energy.

Part of what helped me see what I was doing, was watching my boyfriend flush his life down the toilet drinking himself silly...how pathetic and stupid and wasteful it appeared from the outside. I didn't want to be that person.

instant

ForVv

I'm sorry you find your life dissatisfying without intoxication.

Michael66

Hi ForVv
I can understand where you're coming from. By far the hardest thing for me was coming to terms with the decision to quit drinking (only difference was that I drank for years while slowly coming around to that decision). For me coming to terms with no alcohol ever again was actually much harder than then giving up. My wife also used to complain that I was miserable when I'd go short periods without alcohol. Now I'm totally at peace with the idea of life-long abstinence and wouldn't want it any other way, but I know the angst of getting to that point and totally understand the fighting against it.

You're in my thoughts.

FeelingGreat

For Vv
Hope the rant did you good. I certainly enjoyed it. I think your dilemma is real seeing your wife has given you an ultimatum, but I also think you were taking the **** about yourself and that shows some self-awareness. To me you sounded like a Grumpy Old Man, whatever your age may be, and they are poison to live with, even of they are crying inside.
Have you considered talking to your wife in the totally honest way of your post and asking her humbly for help? Can you lower yourself that much?
I'm an atheist too, and have never been involved in AA. I only have to read the language of their 12 steps to be put off anew, but if I were in your place, with everything at stake I would try it, and trust in their claim that you don't have to be a believer to work the steps.
You need to do something if your family is worth it. If not then just keep on your present course.
Either way I wish you well. Hope you read D's post.

Xune

Not having a social life is entirely your choice.

I exercise and take naps when I can.

Life is what you make it. Only children expect fun to be delivered to them on a silver platter of amusement.

Everyday refers to the average and the average person actually drinks alcohol. People who don't drink alcohol, are in fact in the minority, which makes them exceptionally different...which is the opposite of everyday.

In any event, however you view yourself or other people, is entirely of your own doing.

So am I, as are many other non-drinkers. What's your point?

Have you considered working on that? Being an Atheist, I need not remind you that this is the only kick at the can you're going to get.

An Atheist that believes in miracles? Wut?!?!

Best wishes to you and the choices you make in your life.

OCDDan

ForVv,
I can relate to your situation, mine has been very similar, I quit drinking then didn't do anything to keep happy and busy. So that lasted about nine months with a slip or two in the middle, after that nine months I felt so bad i thought i'd have a nervous breakdown so i went back to the bottle. Now my situation is even worse. best of luck to you.

courage2

I don't know if ForVv is even reading these replies, but it's an interesting thread. I was intrigued by his idea that drinking would kill him sooner or later "hopefully sooner". I've thought a lot about suicide the last couple of years and for a while thought i was trying to kill myself with drink, but realized it's much too slow and painful a way to go, for me & for my family. I need to get sober if only to find out if i'm really depressed, and how to treat that.

pmungo

some awsome quoet guys very encouraging
forvv i do hope you come back and congrats for been 3 years sober, i do think after that long tho if you had a drink you would still be mad and even more so for having a drink, well i would anyway
there are ways of having a social life without alcohol, but im guessing the social life you craving envolves alcohol. Although hubby and kids was a graet motivator for me, i had to do alot of inner stuff and it was also for myself that i gave up the drink,
Its good you have had a rant, i hope you have got it out your system if not feel free to rant some more

pmungo

yer i only ever tried to kill myself when i was plastered, would of never done it sober. Thought i had real bad depression because it runs in family, but now ive stoped drinking dont feel half as depressed, funny that lol

Fallow

I hope getting it off your chest makes you feel a little better Vv.

I hope you figure it all out..

Mafalda

Just say you are taking medication? Everyone takes some sort of medication it seems.

SeekSobriety

It sounds like you are really suffering. What helped me was learning some Cognitive Behavioral Techniques. If you have the ability, I would highly recommend seeking a CBT therapist and learning some strategies for coping with your situation.

What helped me as well was attending 12 step meetings and finding a few sober friends who I could have fun with. It is important that we do fun things and be a little social. Sober Bowling, Golfing, going out to Coffee, something to keep us out of our own heads.

Also what really was helpful was volunteering, Even just one day a month or for a couple hours. Helping out at a Soup Kitchen, or a Food Pantry or Old Age Home, Really helps keep me out of my head, while helping others in the process. It is a win win.

Good luck to you, I hope you find the relief you are seeking.