Newcomer looking for advice

Old 12-18-2012, 12:12 PM
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Newcomer looking for advice

Hi, I am new to the forum. I decided to address my drinking problem yesterday in part because it destroyed my relationship with my boyfriend. We had a talk yesterday where I admitted I had a problem and said I was going to address it. I said I wanted to stay together during the process. However, we have only been dating a year so I feel like it isn't fair of me to ask him for his support because he has to look out for himself. I feel like I should do this with the support of family and friends, those people who love me unconditionally and are a permanent part of my life. Has anyone else been in this position?

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Old 12-18-2012, 12:19 PM
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No, not really. I took honest support when I could get it. Sometimes it came from complete strangers. It is important to have a good solid support group but also do not make decisions for other people.

"so I feel like it isn't fair of me to ask him for his support because he has to look out for himself"

Let him make this decision. Just talk to him, you might be surprised.
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Old 12-18-2012, 12:40 PM
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i didnt get support from family and friends. family didnt wnt anything to do with me and friends were all drunks. besides, they hadnt been in my shoes. i found the help from the fellowship of AA. they had been where i wa and helped me to get out from the gloom,dispair, and misery of alcoholism.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:00 PM
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Hi and welcome CHN08

I think your bf will probably decide for himself whether he wants to stay around or not, unless you've already decided you don't want him to be a part of this?

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Old 12-18-2012, 02:43 PM
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Dee74, thank you for asking that question. I honestly don't know. I thought I wanted him to be a part of this, but I am conflicted about it. We struggle to keep our lines of communication open so I have to decide if that is what I need from someone I am in a relationship with. I keep going back and forth between wanting to make it work, and letting him go.

I agree that he will make his own decision. I also know I have to take the reins on this and be responsible for my own recovery.

Again, thanks for probing me to ask myself that question. I can't ignore my indecision.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:47 PM
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There is the theory, that it is best not to make any major decisions in early sobriety.

Welcome to Sober Recovery!
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:58 PM
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This has the possibility to be a very very turbulent situation for someone addressing an issue like this at the beginning of their recovery. I would just say tread lightly around it, write about it, perhaps draw up a list of pros and cons. But I hope you make the right choice for you. I can personally say that when I decided to get sorted the first time round I got into a relationship and it made everything much harder. But that's only my opinion and my experience.

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Old 12-18-2012, 03:40 PM
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If I am honest my recovery is a different part of my life.
It is almost like I have two lives - my recovery life and my everyday life.

However I do my recovery everyday, I just keep it to myself and the people I come across in recovery, who are in recovery too or have similar struggles.

I come here a lot, I read and post.
If I get chance I go to an AA meeting.

Coming to SR feels like coming home. I feel comfortable here. I get homesick if I miss a day.
I love AA. I meet all sorts of interesting people who I can learn from. But I cannot always get to a meeting as I have a baby.

I have educated myself a lot about addiction and alcohol.
I like reading about recovery too.

But I suppose most of all I see it as my fight, my business, my struggle. And I fight it quietly as I see fit with people who understand.

I don't expect people who can have two drinks then go onto orange juice to understand and I am sure if I went on about it a lot they would become bored.
I also want to keep my friends as friends, family as family and partner as a partner not mini therapists or counsellors for something they are not qualified to deal with.

I also don't expect a round of applause for not drinking for a day. Its what other people do everyday! I just quietly congratulate myself

Thats not to say I don't vent sometimes or voice my thoughts good or bad. Or if I am having a bad day ask for a bit of support. But that might be that I want to be on my own a bit or I need to go to the cinema or shopping to distract myself and need company.

But thats just how I handle it and just how I like it.

Maybe you are planning too far ahead though and you just need to take your drinking and your relationship one day at a time?
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:51 PM
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yer i think you should concerntrate on your recovery, been a sober person makes for better relationships anyway. i nearly lost my hubby because of my drinking not because he wanted to leave but because i could not make up my mind and kept pushing him away. He did leave me for about three months worst mistake i ever made, it was a case of man you dont realise what youve got till its gone, thank goodness he came back, we have been together 12 years now and he has supported me ever step of the way. he aint perfect just human like me
I agree with hollyanne on this one
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:56 PM
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ps sasha your post is awsome thanx heeps very encouraging
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Old 12-18-2012, 04:04 PM
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Welcome CNH08. I was on my own with my recovery, except for my husband. Everyone else was hurt, confused, and disgusted with me. I agree with most of what Sasha said - it's mainly my fight.

SR was a huge help in getting me started on my journey. I spent a lot of time here and that helped with my withdrawal, anxiety, and feelings of hopelessness I had in the beginning. I hope you'll find it helps you, too. Everyone here understands what you're going through.
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:42 PM
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Thank you all for posting, I already feel like this is a place I can come to.
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