LSNP

How old are your kids?

I was YOU when mine were little. I didn't believe in the "progressive" nature of what I refuse to call a "disease." It is not a "disease." It is addiction, pure and simple. And addiction progresses.

When mine stopped needing me as much, when life became a nightmare for reasons I will not go into here, either, it became easier and easier to "numb" all the time, or almost all of the time. What will you do when they no longer go to bed at 8:00? When they are old enough to take notice? What will you do when you no longer have that "quiet" time... or you have more of it than you want? Will the 4-5 become 10-12? Will the "at night" become "in the morning?"

LSNP

Funny that nobody has mentioned that ten beers for a thin woman is a lot of alcohol.

ru12

Tara, I don't doubt that you have a great life . . . but let me ask why do you drink? What are you trying to find there in those bottles? If you cannot drink in moderation then you really have two choices 1) stop drinking or 2) drink alcoholically. Moderation for a woman is no more than 3 drinks a day and no more than 9 a week. You say you can't do that . . . nor could I stay within the limits for a male and enjoy my drinking. So when confronted with the same two choices as above, I chose to stop drinking and my life got so much better. I too hadn't suffered many consequences: good job, kids, no law issues, no real health issues . . . yet. They would have come if I didn't stop.

Try to stop. Try AA. Try Rational Recovery or SMART Recovery. Life isn't bad this side of sober, in fact it is liberating.

Nikkipoo

Prickly, who are you asking? Me?

tomsteve

tara, i may have missed something reading, but what i read is that everything is fine on the outside. i havent read anything on your mental and emotional state.
yer not a bad or stupid person. no alcoholic really is. we are of a pretty high intelligence.

Junebugapril

Hi Tara,
I can relate to a lot of the same things you are going through. I have not hit bottom. I knew my drinking was out of control. Drinking a whole bottle of red wine every single night doesn't exactly make me the biggest lush around. I don't drive drunk. I never got arrested. I did not neglect my children. I did not drink first thing in the morning. I did not have to drink all day long.

When I read the Big Book, my first reaction was that I am not hopeless, my life has not become unmanageable.

I think there is room for people like us in AA. We are just different. I really decided I wanted to stop drinking. For sure. If I had not decided that I positively wanted to stop drinking right now, I would still be drinking. I really do not want to drink anymore.

I hear you. I understand.

JunebugApril

DoubleBarrel

Simply put, there is no manageable way to drink ten beers a day for an extended period of time without having
Long term medical problems from drinking
A medical emergency I.e. falling down, etc
Inappropriate behavior due to inebriation.
Interpersonal problems with your spouse or others.
Accidents from intoxication like leaving the stove on, etc.

Are you waiting for these to happen?
You will drink more and more, and there will be these and other consequences. I suspect there have been some already, despite your depiction of the perfect life.
You mention that you can drink four or five beers while the kids are sleeping. Do you think it's good for them to watch you drink five or six every night?
They will learn from watching you. You are training them.
So maybe it's about them. You cared enough to quit for them when they were in the womb. Do you care enough to quit now that they're watching you, and absorbing your actions?

Read up on the negative effects of children raised with alcoholics. It really made an impact on my idea that I wasn't harming them.

IndaMiricale

The first time I ever put the drink down was on June 29 2011. And went into the rooms of AA. I didnt know what to expect nor did I really care. All I knew is I just couldnt go on living this way. I didnt want to live and I sure didnt want to die.

So I was willing to try anything. I was willing to even I had to listen to a certain god(as I thought aa was , and many do before they find out what it really is ).

Reasons why, well I had so many consequences and that didnt do it. It truly was I was just beat down .. I had nothing left to fight for.

I had been in the hospital over the years.
Wet brain
Pancreatist
4 dui's
lost my car
many jobs.
home
I tried the geographical cure but I always took me with me.
I was tired of shaking apart. I shook every day for years. It took several larges shots of booze to calm down enough to write or eat soup.

Sobriety has become the best gift I could of ever imagined..

Join us..

skunkape

This life is short. For some it's shorter than others. We all assume we'll make it to old age, but that's just an assumption. We don't really know how much time we have left. I have today only, I know that. I want sobriety today and I want to walk with God today. I don't have anymore time left for drinking and drugs. I don't have anymore time to squander away. The question is are you willing to let go of everything? To set your sail and head for a different latitude? If you are then you will find sobriety.

tabasco

You are a very brave and honest person to be so open. You have struck a chord with many who on the face of it have a "perfect life" yet alcohol is slowly killing them, and their family.
A recent report has shown that non drinkers, live 15 years longer on average, than alcohol abusers.
NOW EXCUSE ME! YOU and I KNOW that if we could just fast forward to the day when both of your grown up children are at your bedside crying, thinking MUM, why did you drink yourself to an early death? we would do anything, anything to change our very stupid, and very selfish past. YOU CAN change the future today.
If we can borrow the ghost of Christmas past, and you really do see that awful future, or the wonderful, love filled life that living sober would grant your future, we both know which is the ONLY choice you can make.
Thank you for your post. It has given me more resolve to never drink again, and to never change my mind.

FreeFall

Everyone has made really good points and given you lots to think about. I take care of my elderly mom, and used to enjoy my "alone time" once she went to bed like you do with your kids. Have you ever thought about what you would do if one of them had an emergency and how you would deal with that if you were drunk? Please don't wait for a tragedy to get help...

PricklyPearz

Nikki...I apologize for lack of straightforward post. Yes, those questions were directed at you primarily with Tara in mind as well. I am in a similar situation to Tara in a way. I am successful financially. I worked hard through college to get my engineering degree (while drinking). I spent the last 5 years of my life in a place where I would rather not have been working in an entry level engineering job out of school but stuck it out (drinking progressively more heavily). I recently applied to and got hired on at a job that completely floored my wildest salary expectations. I am doing quite well there BUT...

Similar to Tara...I need to find time to drink in my spare time every day. I have cut down about 60% intake vs what I started out at, but in the end, I keep thinking that if I can go on like I am now...heck, how does that hurt anything? I have identified the need to quit entirely, but I don't know if I will be able to. I'm at about the floor of what I can give up now without some MAJOR effort.

You seem to have broken that plane. I was interested to hear more about your story and how you did it.

Mafalda

Boy can I relate to you. I too have the ideal life. And like you I have not suffered any real damage. But you clearly think it is not right. I guess that is always the first step. I still think I can moderate. Unlike , many posters here my three drinks do not lead to more. Like I mentioned in my original post the only thing I hate more than the idea of never drinking again is feeling sick. And also being honest about how much you really drink. Lets just keep in mind that one drink is 5 oz of wine (bit more than half a cup) 12 oz beer and 1 1/2 oz liquor. I have a restaurant and I will tell you wine is usually at least an 8oz glass and mixed drinks have 3oz of liquor. So most of us are drinking more than we think. I am keeping a drinking diary myself so I can show to my therapist. I want to be honest about my problem.

courage2

To Tara: I did that throughout my son's childhood. What my son saw: his mom anxious, unable to cope (because I wasn't drinking) in simple social situations, nasty in the mornings. He grew up being ridiculously "tender" around me, and still doesn't know why he had to be so careful -- because his mother was a very carefully controlled drunk. That's NOT an ok thing to do to your kid. And yes, take it from me, if you don't stop now when your kids are grown you'll be paying the physical price. Do you want them to have a mother dead of alcohol-related disease?

courage2

Prickly you seem to be EXACTLY where I am now. I'm an academic with tenure & can sit in my office drinking for hours, no one cares. I don't drive & no one's going to stop me if I don't stop myself. I'm so unsure if I can do this. PM me?