renaldo

goldiilocks,

Your avatar says it all. Where did you get it? It's really cool.

I haven't read all the posts on this thread and can't say whether or not your husband is a "normal" drinker, but having friends over the house drinking when you're trying to stop doesn't sound like he's placing much value on your struggle.

People singing karaoke - drunk or not - is enough to send anyone over the edge. Must have been invented by the same think tank that came up with SPAM - the mystery meat that no one wants, except in Hawaii ?!?

goldiilocks

I really like the way you put that, and I think that is probably one of the biggest issues, because I feel extremely uncomfortable to see people around my sanctuary enjoying alcohol. But then I regress and I wonder if I am being selfish and start to think, well just because I have a problem they shouldnt have to suffer for it.

I appreciate that Jenni. I have tried to express my opinion in the calmest way possible but the first time I talked to him it was before we went to sleep and he was obviously very buzzed. I think you are right that I could have been more firm.

So, and update.... Today I woke up to make breakfast, and I wasnt mad about what happened yesterday as he expected, but I resolved within myself that if he does it again, I will leave to my parents house, and they live in a different city so it would be months before I come back. I'm not going to fight anymore, and I know what is important for my sobriety so I do not want any chance or temptation to slip up.

Well, he's eating breakfast and he brings it up out of the blue, "So. You cant have alcohol around you at all, at all? Not in the house or anything, right?"

I said, "Thats right, it makes me uncomfortable." And he nodded thoughtfully and said that he wouldnt do it anymore. For me actions speak louder than words and I have an extra bag packed for me and my Labrador if we have to get out of the situation fast.


Wow, Critica, I cant even begin to imagine the anger I would feel if I was in that situation!! My husband tends to act like that as well. Like, oh well you have a problem with alcohol and yes I want you to quit but its not a big deal and will resolve itself with time. I think I would have poured those babies down the sink! Good for you for confronting the issue. Some people, when they arent going through the struggle themselves, make light of it... I think it's because they havent experienced it first hand to know how serious it is....



Thanks so much for all of the responses everyone, you don't realize how much they've help me put things into perspective. Thanks for sharing your story rochele, my SO as well may have a problem but perhaps he is better at controlling it than I ever was. I do not need him to quit. I don't care who drinks outside of my home, but I know myself too well and know that if people are at my house drinking, it's going to wear me down to the point where I drink too and I deeply want to stay sober.

Casmasta

Hahaha.
Karaoke is the worst!

That's hilarious.

...If I'm being honest, I kind of like Spam. So.
(i'm kind of a fan of salty weird meat(?))

And also cheese. LOVE cheese.

goldiilocks

Thanks! I'm glad you like it. I am blonde, and my personal interpretation of my avatar is, it is me dancing with death or (booze to be more accurate). I found it online years ago, I cant remember where.

SPAM comment made me laugh.

renaldo

Ditto to that. Karaoke in the wee hours is not normal by any stretch of the imagination.

goldiilocks

Ive never tried it! Mystery meat, haha.

Cheese lovers unite!

renaldo

Thanks for responding. It's good to know that my interpretation was correct. What an awesome image!

You will see a similar image in the film More, which Pink Floyd did the soundtrack for. Click on the link on the word "More" and watch it. The point where Stefan sees Estelle is where he sees an Andy Warhol type print of a cover of the comic book "True Romance" where the girl is biting her hand (it's at 12:11 in the film). They don't make movies like this anymore. I was dumbfounded when I finally found this at a "video" store, having listened to the soundtrack on cassette for decades knowing nothing about what the film was about.

But, we're in the internet age, so the candy store is open.

I'm sure Casmasta can relate to that sentiment.

This film should not be forgotten. I tried to show it at a DUI class, but no one had the patience for it. These kids today!

goldiilocks

I tried watching it through the link but it wouldnt let me due to it being taken down for copywrite reasons...

I looked it up on youtube and all I found was a music video of people smoking on a beach? It wasnt long enough to be the video you are referring to so I guess I'll have to keep searching.

renaldo

I work at a Hickory Farms kiosk in a mall. I give out samples of meat and cheese. My observation has been that no man turns down meat with the explanation that he's a vegetarian. And women like cheese. It has also been my observation on this forum that women are fond of red wine.

Casmasta

Renaldo, you are cracking me UP!

goldiilocks

I would drink anything, but beer and white zinfandel were my go to drinks. I think the media makes wine look so sophisticated especially to young women, but my horrible drinking career didn't start drinking with wine. I started drinking and was doing it almost every weekend when I was 15. It's a wonder I graduated highschool because back then I was experimenting heavily with drugs but never got addicted. After I turned 21, I started buying wine because it just seemed so... luxurious to sit on the couch, or enjoy a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a book. But.. It was never luxurious OR glamorous when I drank it. I was a mess, and I have to constantly remind myself what a mess I was so that I never convince myself of that lie that wine is something that I can enjoy. I will take it to excess every. Single. Time. There's a quote that goes something along the lines of, "If I could drink like a normal person I would do it every day."

Yep.

Casmasta

In all seriousness, Goldi..
I think maybe your husband was taken off guard, and maybe didn't know how to react, given the fact that those people were already in your house.

I think the best you can do is be up front, and honest about what you need.

In the beginning I wasn't sure what I needed.. And it wasn't difficult for me to be around booze, because I was done...

When I hadn't made the decision to be done, yet, though.. When I wasn't sure it would be forever.. I quit in January, and when I got stressed out helping a friend entertain at her baby's baptism, I chose to chug a bottle of champagne in 10 minutes.
The next day, someone left some wine, and a couple of beers in my fridge, and I drank all of that, too.
The day after that, I made a plan with my friend that I would start "secret drinking" with her.. A few beers at lunch.

I knew then, because I had never been a secret drinker, that I couldn't just quit indefinitely.
I realized it was more of a problem than I had been telling myself.

In that time, it was harder to know what my boundaries were.

What I'm saying is... When you come to the decision that it's not an option for you anymore, it will be easier to be around.
I don't think, based on our conversations, that you have come to that yet..
Something you need to do on your own volition.

As for now.. You are struggling.. And you need to be very clear with your husband about the boundaries you need to set up. But you have to think about what those boundaries might be..
And from the sound of it, you're off to a good start.

<3

goldiilocks

Well, I face a lot of shame associated with my drinking. So part of the reason I made this thread is, to try and figure out if I should tell everyone that I am an alcoholic and have quit so they are aware that I dont want alcohol in the house. But I don't like having myself exposed like that and I tend to be a private person. So people are confused when I end the party or when I tell them they cant stay up late drinking at my house since I've always been the life of the party.

An issue my husband brought up yesterday was, when he picked up his friend, his friend asked him if he could stop at the store very quickly for some beer. My husband told me he didn't know what to say because he didn't want to embarrass me by telling his friends about my problem, although I am sure they realize I have one. So I really don't blame my husband in some respects for yesterday. He did not know what to say, as I'm sure I wouldn't know either in a situation like that.

I don't think everyone needs to know about it because I don't want the pressure put on me and I don't need the judgement. But what do you say to a friend wanting to bring alcohol into the house? I've thought about it all morning, and I can't come up with an excuse that would make any sense.

renaldo

I'm just stating the facts. Not meaning to be funny, but if I am, that's a bonus.

Casmasta

I completely understand the shame associated with drinking.
I think most of us do...
I also understand being the life of that party.
But that's the fun part of sobriety. That the continual shame we kept putting ourselves through is over.

As far as identifying ourselves as the life of the party...
The trick is deciding our new identity.
I've found that I am far more private now than I was while I was drinking.
I've learned discernment, and self-respect.

As far as what to say to a friend now..
If you're not interested in using the term "alcoholic" at the moment, you could say something like, "I'm trying not to drink right now, and having booze in the house is too much of a temptation."

Or just tell them that you're focusing on school, and can't be around it?

For me.. Telling everyone that I was an alcoholic wasn't much of a shocker to the people around me.
I think it was more of a shocker that I quit for good.. But for the most part, my people were supportive.

I guess my thought is that they don't have to know the details of your addiction.
They don't have to know the work you're putting in to fight it.
All they have to know is that you can't have it anymore, and for now, in your home at all.

You must fight for your sobriety. In every way you can...
And if that means telling people that you have a problem, maybe you should..?

I still have a difficult time talking to some about my alcoholism..
But with those folks, I don't feel as comfortable, and sort of gloss over the issue.
Even though that's pretty much what's going on with me now!
I'm working on building a new life.. And when people ask what I'm doing, it's hard not to bring it up.

Ehh. I'm rambling.

goldiilocks

Thanks Cas for responding. I think you are 100% correct that if it comes down to it, if people are trying to bring alcohol into my house [something i really don't want] I will have to tell them that I quit drinking and don't want alcohol around. I don't think I owe much more of an explanation than that. I don't really like giving explanations anyway, it makes me feel childish.

I don't think people would be shocked to know I am an alcoholic as I'm sure they already assume I am. Some of them display alcoholic traits as well though and really don't have room to judge me. I don't think I will flat out say I am an alcoholic, but I will probably just say that I am laying off the booze for a while and don't want to be around it.

Not to mention, in the last couple of days when i've been forced to be around drunk people, I found them extremely annoying.

Caledonia1

Hi goldi

I can totally relate to your situation and at such a fragile time in your soberiety.

You are not being unreasonable. You have to protect your soberiety and have also to remember that we are the ones with the illness not others. It is a tricky one.

My husband and I did alot of talking and I asked for time to heal and maybe one day I would be comfortable with friends over who drink.

Thankfully that has happened and pray it happens for you also.

Take care