Husband wants me to Quit yet...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 130
Husband wants me to Quit yet...
He keeps letting people stay the night who bring over alcohol.
Last night him and his band did a gig and I didn't go because I knew there would be alcohol at the bar they were playing. I can't sleep when he is out at nighttime so I stayed up reading until he came home at about 2am. Turns out he invited around 6 people over that I do know and about 6 others who I either don't know or are merely acquaintances. All were drunk and continuing to drink, as I opened the fridge and see a 12 pack.
I wasn't advised that people were going to come over to my house to begin with, much less be looking for a place to party. I tried to ignore them and went upstairs and that's when I hear they have set up the mic and loud speakers and are doing karaoke. So on top of having people drink in my house when I am little over a week in my sobriety I have them playing loud music and are singing horribly to it. I asked my husband nicely to ask them to turn it down. 10 minutes pass and the music is still loud so I had to go outside and be the "mean one". After that the 6 acquaintances left, and took their beer, thank god. I spoke with the husband calmly before we fell asleep (while there were still people down stairs playing video games) and he apologized and said that he didn't even realize that it would effect me in such a way to have people drinking in my house and admitted that it was selfish to invite them over without seeing if I was okay with it.
Today, a day later. His friend asks if they can stay over in the extra bedroom. I said fine because his girlfriend and I happen to be okay friends and they aren't much of a bother. Plus, they have stayed over before and never brought alcohol or drank. Not tonight. They get here and I'm upstairs and I go downstairs to get some cheese as a snack (love cheese) and they're all sitting there drinking their beers, happy as can be.
I ask my husband to come upstairs and help me give the dogs their pills so I can talk to him. He avoids getting up because its clear he's hiding the beer in the side of the couch. Finally he places it in such a way that he can stand up and when I get upstairs I confront the issue head on. It turns into me being the dramatic one for not feeling comfortable with people drinking in the house or around me. He calls me a baby and says that I am so weak to not want to be around people who are drinking.
I told him that it's not that I am going to drink, its just that even advertisements on the television and the way the media is so saturated with alcohol bothers me at this point so early in recovery, so OF COURSE it's going to bother me to be around people who are drinking in my home. Worse yet the fact that he was hiding it. I don't mind that he drank yesterday while at the bar, I just don't want to be around it in my home. We discussed all this yesterday after his gig so I don't know why it turned into such a surprise today, as though something changed over night.
Here is some background: Husband knows that I have a huge problem with alcohol and would drink practically every day or binge on it for days on end. This is also not my first shot at sobriety. I've known I've had a problem since about a year ago and I believe I've been an alcoholic for about 5 years now but the problem has escalated severely in the last 2 years. My husband has shamed me endlessly for my drinking, a problem that I as well have shame for and would like to change. I don't know what to do at this point, because I am ready to leave.
I guess I just need advice on this, or maybe would like to know I am not alone in this type of struggle. Am I being childish for feeling uncomfortable? Is that normal to feel that I don't want alcohol in my house for some while? I know I am not perfect, but I feel as though my wishes and best interest are being blatantly ignored. Thanks for reading.
Last night him and his band did a gig and I didn't go because I knew there would be alcohol at the bar they were playing. I can't sleep when he is out at nighttime so I stayed up reading until he came home at about 2am. Turns out he invited around 6 people over that I do know and about 6 others who I either don't know or are merely acquaintances. All were drunk and continuing to drink, as I opened the fridge and see a 12 pack.
I wasn't advised that people were going to come over to my house to begin with, much less be looking for a place to party. I tried to ignore them and went upstairs and that's when I hear they have set up the mic and loud speakers and are doing karaoke. So on top of having people drink in my house when I am little over a week in my sobriety I have them playing loud music and are singing horribly to it. I asked my husband nicely to ask them to turn it down. 10 minutes pass and the music is still loud so I had to go outside and be the "mean one". After that the 6 acquaintances left, and took their beer, thank god. I spoke with the husband calmly before we fell asleep (while there were still people down stairs playing video games) and he apologized and said that he didn't even realize that it would effect me in such a way to have people drinking in my house and admitted that it was selfish to invite them over without seeing if I was okay with it.
Today, a day later. His friend asks if they can stay over in the extra bedroom. I said fine because his girlfriend and I happen to be okay friends and they aren't much of a bother. Plus, they have stayed over before and never brought alcohol or drank. Not tonight. They get here and I'm upstairs and I go downstairs to get some cheese as a snack (love cheese) and they're all sitting there drinking their beers, happy as can be.
I ask my husband to come upstairs and help me give the dogs their pills so I can talk to him. He avoids getting up because its clear he's hiding the beer in the side of the couch. Finally he places it in such a way that he can stand up and when I get upstairs I confront the issue head on. It turns into me being the dramatic one for not feeling comfortable with people drinking in the house or around me. He calls me a baby and says that I am so weak to not want to be around people who are drinking.
I told him that it's not that I am going to drink, its just that even advertisements on the television and the way the media is so saturated with alcohol bothers me at this point so early in recovery, so OF COURSE it's going to bother me to be around people who are drinking in my home. Worse yet the fact that he was hiding it. I don't mind that he drank yesterday while at the bar, I just don't want to be around it in my home. We discussed all this yesterday after his gig so I don't know why it turned into such a surprise today, as though something changed over night.
Here is some background: Husband knows that I have a huge problem with alcohol and would drink practically every day or binge on it for days on end. This is also not my first shot at sobriety. I've known I've had a problem since about a year ago and I believe I've been an alcoholic for about 5 years now but the problem has escalated severely in the last 2 years. My husband has shamed me endlessly for my drinking, a problem that I as well have shame for and would like to change. I don't know what to do at this point, because I am ready to leave.
I guess I just need advice on this, or maybe would like to know I am not alone in this type of struggle. Am I being childish for feeling uncomfortable? Is that normal to feel that I don't want alcohol in my house for some while? I know I am not perfect, but I feel as though my wishes and best interest are being blatantly ignored. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Your sobriety could be a matter of life and death to you.
You need to treat it as such.
That means being willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober.
If the place you live is threatening your sobriety, and you cannot get the situation to change, you need to change your environment.
I think that you need to speak to him, both sober,at a calm quiet time, and tell him what you can and cannot tolerate, and what you will do if he cannot agree.
This is not the same as an ultimatum. He has to decide if goofing off with his drunk buddies is more important than supporting you. You have to be ready to do whatever you have to do. Many many people find that the person they picked while drinking isn't the person they need to be with sober.
Sorry to hear, but congratulations on your sobriety, it is so worth it.
You need to treat it as such.
That means being willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober.
If the place you live is threatening your sobriety, and you cannot get the situation to change, you need to change your environment.
I think that you need to speak to him, both sober,at a calm quiet time, and tell him what you can and cannot tolerate, and what you will do if he cannot agree.
This is not the same as an ultimatum. He has to decide if goofing off with his drunk buddies is more important than supporting you. You have to be ready to do whatever you have to do. Many many people find that the person they picked while drinking isn't the person they need to be with sober.
Sorry to hear, but congratulations on your sobriety, it is so worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 130
He drinks, but socially. He can take it or leave it but in the past him and I used to get drunk very frequently up until about maybe a year and a half ago. Right around the time I realized I was an alcoholic and right around the time he realized he didn't want to drink anymore unless socially.
Thank you so much for a response, I know it was a lot to read. It's a tough situation, and I am trying to figure out if I should stay with my parents or not for a while. I think I already know the answer but I have to wait until mid December when my classes end.
Thank you so much for a response, I know it was a lot to read. It's a tough situation, and I am trying to figure out if I should stay with my parents or not for a while. I think I already know the answer but I have to wait until mid December when my classes end.
Phoenix.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Brew.
Posts: 117
It's upsetting to me that he would call you names when you are letting him know of your boundaries. Calling you weak is an insult, but beyond that it is highly inaccurate.
You are showing great strength and courage by fighting this head on.. Not only that, but by vocalizing what you need to remain sober.
I don't know anything about you and your husband's dynamic, or the way he behaves.. But if he's made it clear that your alcohol abuse bothers him, then it seems to me he should do everything in his power to make quitting as easy as possible..?
Maybe direct him to read some Al-Anon stuff..
Or some literature on addiction..?
You're not being childish. You're letting him know what you need for your sobriety.. And he IS blatantly ignoring your needs to fit his own. (partying with friends..)
You are showing great strength and courage by fighting this head on.. Not only that, but by vocalizing what you need to remain sober.
I don't know anything about you and your husband's dynamic, or the way he behaves.. But if he's made it clear that your alcohol abuse bothers him, then it seems to me he should do everything in his power to make quitting as easy as possible..?
Maybe direct him to read some Al-Anon stuff..
Or some literature on addiction..?
You're not being childish. You're letting him know what you need for your sobriety.. And he IS blatantly ignoring your needs to fit his own. (partying with friends..)
Phoenix.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Brew.
Posts: 117
Things are good on my end.. Just been busy.. Sorry I haven't responded to your message!
I'm sorry that your husband isn't being as supportive as he could be.
You need to tell him exactly what you need.. And like DoubleBarrel said.. You have to do what you have to do for your sobriety.
I'm sorry that your husband isn't being as supportive as he could be.
You need to tell him exactly what you need.. And like DoubleBarrel said.. You have to do what you have to do for your sobriety.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm sorry you're in that situation but I'm glad you're stayed true to what you know you need to do.
Like others have said, others may not understand our problem, but we certainly do.
I've never dealt with this, but I know you'll find a lot of support and advice here from others who've been in this or similar situations, Goldilocks.
D
Like others have said, others may not understand our problem, but we certainly do.
I've never dealt with this, but I know you'll find a lot of support and advice here from others who've been in this or similar situations, Goldilocks.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
It maybe time to set some ground rules for the house. You should be able to live in a place where you don't have to be uncomfortable about trying to stay sober. But you're husband should let go everything he loves just about you're alcohol problems. I can see both of your points and setting rules to the house needs to be set.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
You are not being childish in the least. This is a difficult time for you. The emotions are going to be difficult to deal with for a while. You need all the support you can get.
You sound like you are handling these difficult things quite well actually. All the best to you.
You sound like you are handling these difficult things quite well actually. All the best to you.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
You're sobriety has to come first, because without it, it's just a matter of time before everything else is lost.
If he won't help you keep a booze free home, and you feel that staying with your parents will help, that might be a wise course of action till you get your "dry" feet under you, but ultimately, when booze has become the third person in a relationship, everyone will have to deal with the altered dynamics.
It's hard to see him dancing with the same partner you are no longer with.
It sounds like you are addressing this situation well. Staying calm, talking with him about it and coming here for extra support. Those sorts of changes are the one's that cause us to grow in sobriety.
At it's best, marriage is a partnership. If one falls ill or has an accident, the other helps them mend. If you had a pet one partner is allergic to, should the pet be given to a friend, or should the allergic partner be confined to their room so they don't encounter it? even though the other partner could go to the friend's house to visit the pet.
Many people take the "well, I don't have a problem with it, so neither should you." but life doesn't work that way.
You say your husband is a social drinker, based on what you've shared he seems VERY social.
If he won't help you keep a booze free home, and you feel that staying with your parents will help, that might be a wise course of action till you get your "dry" feet under you, but ultimately, when booze has become the third person in a relationship, everyone will have to deal with the altered dynamics.
It's hard to see him dancing with the same partner you are no longer with.
It sounds like you are addressing this situation well. Staying calm, talking with him about it and coming here for extra support. Those sorts of changes are the one's that cause us to grow in sobriety.
At it's best, marriage is a partnership. If one falls ill or has an accident, the other helps them mend. If you had a pet one partner is allergic to, should the pet be given to a friend, or should the allergic partner be confined to their room so they don't encounter it? even though the other partner could go to the friend's house to visit the pet.
Many people take the "well, I don't have a problem with it, so neither should you." but life doesn't work that way.
You say your husband is a social drinker, based on what you've shared he seems VERY social.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Originally Posted by goldiilocks 
I guess I just need advice on this, or maybe would like to know I am not alone in this type of struggle. Am I being childish for feeling uncomfortable? Is that normal to feel that I don't want alcohol in my house for some while? I know I am not perfect, but I feel as though my wishes and best interest are being blatantly ignored. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
You can no longer be the "party house" where people come to crash. Your husband needs to grow up and stop talking out both sides of his mouth (just an expression).
Your home is your safe sanctuary or it should be.
Your home is your safe sanctuary or it should be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
My husband also drinks. I believe I asked him not to drink around me, on Friday. Well, Saturday night, he had a few beers after we drove back from Thanksgiving. I had s lip there and had quite the tearful talk with him about coming here, trying to quit drinking, etc...
I guess what I really said, was, it is really hard for me when you drink around me at home and I wish you would not. So, he simply did not drink "around me." He stayed in his office. So I am now isolated from the one partner in life who knows this struggle right now, and he is choosing beer over being with me. But, see, I think he has a problem too. Someone who does not have a problem with alcohol would be able t not have it. No problem. Bottom line. I know this about my dh, even though he moderates very well. Only 2 beers after his workout on weeknights. 6-7 on weekend nights. Last night, I see he did not drink, and he did sit in the family room with me. He is trying. But I suspect, internally, he is facing the same struggle I do, yet not ready to truly quit. He may never be.
So, if there is really a drinking problem there for him, I am trying to be understanding, since he has put up with mine for years. But it is very hard. I hope, if I lead by example, he will come around, for his own health sake, if not for me. But I cannot make demands right now, since I was drunk last Thursday, myself.
But, that is quite different, too, than being the party house! I think what your husband did was rude on very many levels. Your struggle to maintain sobriety, bringing the gang over without asking or letting you know, and then the noise they made when you(and likely neighbors) needed to sleep. Add in all that drinking... Just plain rude and inconsiderate on many levels.
But, I agree with some others' suggestion that perhaps he also has a problem. While he is not drinking at home, he sounds like he binges. And he does not seem eager to give that up.
I hope he can agree to not bring friends over to drink. I would be very upset with that.
In the past, I struggled with feelings that I might have to leave him to remain sober. I relapsed with him. We have 2 young children. We get along well, he is a great dad, has a great job, and well, trying to make it on my own would be very hard on top of trying to gain sobriety. It is easy for others to say just leave. Not so easy to do.
You had asked if any others have this experience, so I am sharing. I do not have the answers. I am living it right now, but not as extreme as the scenes you describe.
If I had people over, I would likely serve them wine. I just do not feel ready to tell the world I am an alcoholic, and to ask them to limit their drinking for me. So, right now, I am not entertaining. One step at a time. I can choose to skip other occasions outside of my home.
Good luck. I hope after a sober heart to heart, he will come around. Being in the music scene is a huge temptation, I would imagine. It is part of the culture to drink. Just is. That may always be a big challenge for you.
I guess what I really said, was, it is really hard for me when you drink around me at home and I wish you would not. So, he simply did not drink "around me." He stayed in his office. So I am now isolated from the one partner in life who knows this struggle right now, and he is choosing beer over being with me. But, see, I think he has a problem too. Someone who does not have a problem with alcohol would be able t not have it. No problem. Bottom line. I know this about my dh, even though he moderates very well. Only 2 beers after his workout on weeknights. 6-7 on weekend nights. Last night, I see he did not drink, and he did sit in the family room with me. He is trying. But I suspect, internally, he is facing the same struggle I do, yet not ready to truly quit. He may never be.
So, if there is really a drinking problem there for him, I am trying to be understanding, since he has put up with mine for years. But it is very hard. I hope, if I lead by example, he will come around, for his own health sake, if not for me. But I cannot make demands right now, since I was drunk last Thursday, myself.
But, that is quite different, too, than being the party house! I think what your husband did was rude on very many levels. Your struggle to maintain sobriety, bringing the gang over without asking or letting you know, and then the noise they made when you(and likely neighbors) needed to sleep. Add in all that drinking... Just plain rude and inconsiderate on many levels.
But, I agree with some others' suggestion that perhaps he also has a problem. While he is not drinking at home, he sounds like he binges. And he does not seem eager to give that up.
I hope he can agree to not bring friends over to drink. I would be very upset with that.
In the past, I struggled with feelings that I might have to leave him to remain sober. I relapsed with him. We have 2 young children. We get along well, he is a great dad, has a great job, and well, trying to make it on my own would be very hard on top of trying to gain sobriety. It is easy for others to say just leave. Not so easy to do.
You had asked if any others have this experience, so I am sharing. I do not have the answers. I am living it right now, but not as extreme as the scenes you describe.
If I had people over, I would likely serve them wine. I just do not feel ready to tell the world I am an alcoholic, and to ask them to limit their drinking for me. So, right now, I am not entertaining. One step at a time. I can choose to skip other occasions outside of my home.
Good luck. I hope after a sober heart to heart, he will come around. Being in the music scene is a huge temptation, I would imagine. It is part of the culture to drink. Just is. That may always be a big challenge for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 804
Wow! I can't imagine that happening at my house now but , to be fair, I can't imagine that happening before I became sober either. My husband tried everything to get me to stop drinking and would never, ever do anything to seriously threaten my sobriety. It sounds like you know you have a problem, he know it too but is hoping it will just magically disappear and life will go back to "normal". It just doesn't happen that way. They say you need to change people, places, and things. It's unfortunate if your home becomes one of those things you have to change but if it is it is.
A question? Have you been absolutely clear with your husband? I mean rather than saying "it would be better for me if....", you said " Drinking in our house is intolerable at this time"? In other words, do not be wishy-washy. I'm not saying you are but I notice a lot of women who are afraid to say what they mean. There is nothing wrong with protecting your sobriety. There is no shame in taking care of yourself. You should be proud of that.
For me, all of this is a matter of life or death. If I had to leave, I would. Hopefully, it won't come to that. It's good you have a place to go if need be.
BTW-your husband's drinking sounds a little more than social to me.
A question? Have you been absolutely clear with your husband? I mean rather than saying "it would be better for me if....", you said " Drinking in our house is intolerable at this time"? In other words, do not be wishy-washy. I'm not saying you are but I notice a lot of women who are afraid to say what they mean. There is nothing wrong with protecting your sobriety. There is no shame in taking care of yourself. You should be proud of that.
For me, all of this is a matter of life or death. If I had to leave, I would. Hopefully, it won't come to that. It's good you have a place to go if need be.
BTW-your husband's drinking sounds a little more than social to me.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I can't imagine that either, that would be a huge issue for me.. my home is my sanctuary. I grew out of sleepovers decades ago. Personally I would establish boundaries around it.. like "I wont stay here if you continue to bring drunks home to have a sleepover". It's not controlling what HE does, you're just responding to what he's doing. I'm glad you have a place to go.. but in the long run it seems like there's some serious stuff to make decisions about so that you can support your recovery with everything you have. You've handled this amazingly well, I probably would have thrown a few temper tantrums myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Inbetween dances
Posts: 548
Goldi, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I fortunately have a husband that doesn't really drink at home. I have been shocked to walk outside and see his buddies gathered in the garage drinking.... I just retreated back to my bedroom. I agree, it takes strength to set boundaries and keep them. If your husband is anything like mine, it's going to take him some time to see u mean business. And he's going to feel put out by your choices. Don't let that stop you. You are changing your ways and slow and steady is the way to go. I don't want any booze in my house. And he has respected that. Best wishes babe!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
All I can say is that this reading is the most important thing in my life. Absolutely nothing takes presidence over this reading.
Twenty-Four Hours a Day Jan. 6,
AA Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
Twenty-Four Hours a Day Jan. 6,
AA Thought for the Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing.
Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?
Meditation for the Day
I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me this power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when it is used in the right way.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God's power in my life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 77
I appreciate having read this post. My husband, though doesn't party... does drink when we go out for supper or will stay out at friend's houses after work and drink.
That said, I also told him no booze in the house. To my horror the day he brought me home from rehab there was a case of beer in the kitchen! I let it sit there for a while until I finally broke down and said, "I cannot cannot cannot have that in the house, I WILL drink it...."
I have a hard time also being upfront, I tend to build resentment and then be pissy instead of saying what I should. Our sobriety comes first no matter what and sometimes that is hard to put in perspective when we are the ones who can't drink like "normal people" I also lost a friend (who I am sure is an alcoholic) with my sobriety, she was told not to bring alcohol to my house and that there will never be any alcohol in the house. She and her husband never visit anymore.
I am not happy that there are others struggling, but I am happy that I am once again not alone in this.
Good luck to you all.
That said, I also told him no booze in the house. To my horror the day he brought me home from rehab there was a case of beer in the kitchen! I let it sit there for a while until I finally broke down and said, "I cannot cannot cannot have that in the house, I WILL drink it...."
I have a hard time also being upfront, I tend to build resentment and then be pissy instead of saying what I should. Our sobriety comes first no matter what and sometimes that is hard to put in perspective when we are the ones who can't drink like "normal people" I also lost a friend (who I am sure is an alcoholic) with my sobriety, she was told not to bring alcohol to my house and that there will never be any alcohol in the house. She and her husband never visit anymore.
I am not happy that there are others struggling, but I am happy that I am once again not alone in this.
Good luck to you all.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
