iseult

When I relapsed, I was terrified. I live in another country with my fiance and don't have many friends here, and no family at all. So I called his parents because they kept saying I was family now.

Well, that has turned out not to be the case.

Now that they know I'm an alcoholic, they took back the money for our wedding and want to use it to send me back to my home country like a defective Amazon product.

He he doesn't think his family will ever forgive or accept me. I know I can't change how they reacted, but I reached out to them and just feel... betrayed, angry, hurt. I understand they have concern for their son, this isn't an easy thing for anyone to deal with, but what if it turned out he had cancer tomorrow? Or got hit by a car? Or lost his job? If the situation were turned around, would I be expected to ship him back to another country where he has no one, nothing, and absolutely nowhere to go?

Bleh. I'm just ranting. Don't mind me.

choublak

Can I ask what country?

Different cultures view alcoholism differently. Not saying that is definitely the case here.

MIRecovery

You may wish to remind them of the "In sickness and health clause."

iseult

That's kind of what I want to scream at them, MI. They keep telling him to just send me back, that he shouldn't have to cope with this, and he doesn't think he can or wants to either. But he has promised to take this a day at a time with me, even though his head is telling him to run. Even though everything in me is crying out that I want to set dates for things and make plans for the future, I have to be grateful- because when he called and told me all this earlier, I honestly thought we were done and that my life here (and with him) was over.

Things can change a lot. A few weeks ago, his mom bought me a dress. So who knows what the next few weeks can bring and god help me I need to remember that.

iseult

I'm in the UK, from America.

oh2exhale

Ug, the whole family reeks of dysfuntional enmeshment. He seems to be using his parents overcontrolling opinion of you to dump you? Does he have the desire to defend his own right to decide who he chooses as his partner? I am sorry to hear that they are double minded - telling you that they will embrace you as family then when you need them they turn on you. But, that sure tells you a lot about their family dynamic! All in all this may be a blessing at an opportune moment - BEFORE the wedding. Hang in there, call someone who really does care! Receive the lesson that the universe is presenting you!

MIRecovery

If I were your husband I may or may not end the marriage but I sure as hell would not let my parents influence my decision. Sounds like they are way too involved in your husbands/your life. It looks like he has the backbone of a sea slug when it comes them

iseult

The thing is he isn't close to his parents at all! It wasn't until we got together that they had any kind of relationship despite him living a mile away. Im the one who established Sunday dinners, weekly calls, daily texts etc. Otherwise they only saw him on holidays and rarely spoke. They thought I was great for him- pushed him to get ahead at his job, helped him overcome his fear of the dentist to finally get his teeth fixed, get his license etc.

Now they want to ship me back. And he says a part of him does too because he's scared and been through this too many times. All I can do is prove myself to not only me but him. And maybe they'll come around. Still hurts so much though.

MIRecovery

I am still not getting the "They." It is his decision period about your marriage. Is there a long history of problems

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation Iseult.

I hope you and your partner can work this out...all other factors, including in laws, can fall as they may behind that, I think.

D

iseult

I've been really unhappy and relapsed a few times while we've been together because I refused to accept Im an alcoholic. Because two years ago I was an occasional drinker. I rarely ever drank more than once or twice a week if I drank at all. There were a few binges but not like these. I guess the alcoholic line was always there for me to cross it and when I did cross it, I crossed it hard.

So for him this is a bit "been there, heard that." However for this first time I have honestly admitted Im an alcoholic and want sobriety. I will do everything I can to get it. I never had this desire before. I just hope he'll continue to see that and we can move forward. For him though there's also the fact this will all be kept from the rest of his family and his friends, he doesn't think his parents will come around and he also has to deal with the pain, fear, and doubt I've instilled in him.

Thank you all for being here.

MIRecovery

In AA this is called a living amend. At the beginning no one trusted me but over time they saw that I was working the steps of AA, going to lots of meetings and most importantly staying sober. Time heals just stay sober and things will work themselves out but you have to earn thier trust not expect thier trust

iseult

It's all I can really do. My fiance, boyfriend, whatever he is now is really struggling between wanting to see how things go from here to wanting me to ship me off too. He spoke to his parents today which I guess sparked a lot of this. He just says he can't commit to anything right now. We've agreed to take it a day at a time and all I can do is make my life a living amends.

I don't expect him to trust me, but I guess I never expected him to leave me either. The fear of losing all we planned, and all I planned for myself and both our futures, is what's fuelling my real attempt at recovery. He told me he appreciates all I've done this week- arming myself with literature, signing up for local addiction counseling, and going to AA everyday. Plus coming here and on AA chat rooms. He's just scared and I really hurt him, which kills me. I just need to talk to people who have been in this position.

Hollyanne

Iseult,
Are you working?
Do you have residency in the UK?
Do you have to leave if you don't get married?
I don't think he or his family get to tell you what country to live in.

Lionhearted1

Wow your an alcoholic so you need to be shipped back to the us, what planet do these people live on??? And why would you need to make an amence, they sound like thy need to work a program!!

Some of the nicest people I have ever met have been alcoholic, In fact some of the most important and influential people of the 21 st century have!!!!

iseult

I am working, but I'm not sponsored. I don't have residency, but I have a visa that's unrelated to my being with him.

I would have to leave eventually when that runs out, but that isn't why we were getting married.

iseult

Haha thanks. I needed to hear something like that. I get that they don't want their son to hurt but I don't get what using the wedding money to send me back will accomplish. I haven't lived there in a long time.

Hollyanne

If I were you, I would postpone any plans for a wedding for at least a year.
It is too much for you to deal with at the moment.
Also, forget about his family.
You don't owe them any amends.
I can understand someone being skittish about marrying an active alcoholic.
That actually makes sense.
How long have you known each-other?
Has he met your family?
Do you have support from your family?
Are you doing OK at work?

Anna

Wow, I try really hard to stay away from toxic people, and your potential in-laws sound like toxic people to me.

I do think the two of you might want to take some time to be more sure about your situation before marriage comes along.

iseult

Im actually ok with postponing the wedding. It was getting out of control and making me miserable. Its his going back and forth between postponing and cancelling altogether that is scaring me. I can deal with being the black sheep as it comes i guess. I just don't want to lose what's now my country but I can't put that on him. Doesn't stop me from being petrified about being sent back though. We weren't getting married for reason.