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The future (now ex) in laws found out

Old 11-17-2012, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
(i read your other thread in f&f)
.
Yeah, I kinda wish I hadn't posted that now. Haha.

Plus side, after reading the reply I got I was so upset he came over, asked what's wrong, I showed him the thread, and he's been a lot more like his old self and asked me what I thought of the flat we went to see. It's literally minute by minute in this relationship. Heh.
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Old 11-17-2012, 08:20 AM
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iseult, ive found on this thread you will get some very open and honest answers. They may not always be what we want to hear but they will be real and honest

I know you had mentioned that the reason for the marriage was not for the visa but you seem to be very stressed about them "shipping" you back. You are not a product that they can return. You are a person so it might go a long way in realizing that if the relationship ends they wont have the power to force you to leave.
Even if you have to come back to the states it will be because your visa has expired and not because of them.
Im not sure how old you are but I would focus on getting better. Your health should be the most important thing right now. I understand the world crumbling around you but you cant control him or his family and the way they respond to this. It sounds like from their reaction this is something they were aware of but didn't realize the extent of it.
Your recovery should be number one, regardless of where you end up at least you would be healthy. Good luck
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Old 11-17-2012, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by iseult View Post
I understand they have concern for their son, this isn't an easy thing for anyone to deal with, but what if it turned out he had cancer tomorrow? Or got hit by a car? Or lost his job?
But it's NOT cancer. Cancer is different. It's involuntary, but from this point on, now that you know you are an alcoholic, your drinking is 100% voluntary, and even knowing this, you told your fiance that you can't promise you won't relapse. Cancer is either cured or causes death, there's an end to it one way or another. Alcoholism goes on and on and on and on and affects your children and grandchildren. Cancer also doesn't make you physically attack other people in hospital rehab rooms, nor does it cause you to lie and manipulate and blame.

And yes, some people do break off engagements when the other gets cancer. We hear all the romantic stories of them going forward, but that's not always the best thing for BOTH people.

People also break off engagements for lesser addictions such as smoking and eating disorders and being overweight. And yes, also for unemployment.

You aren't their child. You can't expect them to have the same commitment towards you as they do for him. You have your own family, I guess they are in the US since you said they aren't in the UK? Why don't you rely on them instead of these virtual strangers who feel betrayed by you and are worried for their son? If you don't get along with your own parents, then how can you get all snotty about his relationship with his parents not being close until you came along?

Originally Posted by iseult View Post
If the situation were turned around, would I be expected to ship him back to another country where he has no one, nothing, and absolutely nowhere to go?
You know, the US isn't the worst place in the world to be. Are you a US citizen? Well, then you will get whatever benefits you are entitled to in the US, since you aren't entitled to any in England.

You've been in England less than 8 years and are only now since your hospital stay just getting a job? What did you do with yourself in the US? Why don't you have anything there since it hasn't been that long since you've been there? How dependent are you on strangers taking care of you anyway?

His family can't deport you, only the government can.

If the situation were turned around, yes, maybe it would be smart for you to walk away from someone who lied to you, has a horrible problem she isn't dealing well with, physically attacked you and can't promise not to do it again in the future.
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Old 11-17-2012, 09:41 AM
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No need to be snarky or rude.

I've always had a job or been in university and postgraduate school (or both) since coming here. I left my last job a few months ago because it constantly had me abroad and I was tired of always being on the move and away from our home. I've had trouble getting a new job other than sporadic temp work since because there isn't much work where we live, but finally landed a new one that starts in a few weeks. I was just in the hospital 2 weeks ago. So I think I managed to finally find a good job pretty quickly.

My fiance isn't a stranger. His family weren't strangers at this point. I left the US as a teenager so there isn't much I did there other than work at a non-profit to pay for my university fees.

I'm not close with my family because of severe abuse- and there aren't any other family members. Don't make assumptions about any type of aspect of anyone's life. I came here mostly just because I'm trying to get sober and wanted some like-minded friends.. I'm not asking anyone to condone anything I've done, or to praise/compliment it either. I just wanted to know other people are around who've felt this way and that there's friendship out there. And a place to vent.

That's what I get for coming on the internet, lol. can't help people from saying whatever they want when you post on here! Think I might try actual people in person from now on. Thanks for all your support the last few days.
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Old 11-17-2012, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by iseult View Post
Bear in mind, they rarely spoke to each other or saw each other until I forged a relationship among all us.

How often do you speak to your parents? Maybe you should focus on forging a relationship with them?

They were singing my praises two weeks ago- paying for most the wedding, bought my dress.

Two weeks ago you weren't an alcoholic who's been hiding the problem for two years and then physically attacked their son and cannot promise not to do it again.


Now, they want to wash their hands of me and for him to do the same.

Which is understandable.


First off, I haven't lived in my home country in years. Why is this the only option they can come up with?

This is NOT their problem. It's up to the government to determine whether you go or stay and it's up to you to figure out how to support yourself. They are not required to come up with ANY options. And I find it odd you think they should. It's YOUR job to come up with options.


Second, when his mother had her nervous breakdown a few years ago and had to go on medication, was her husband expected to ship her back to her parents' hometown?

It's not the same. And frankly, if he WANTED to divorce her for it, he was completely entitled to do so. He chose not to. But your fiance is choosing to end it with you. You seem desperate to say: ha, they are stuck with the problem of me. But they aren't. You however, are stuck with the problem of you. And it's YOUR problem, not your boyfriend's not his parents. YOURS.


He wanted to end it after he spoke to his parents again the other day, but I told him that I thought that if either of us ran away now when things are so extreme, we'd be making rash decisions we might regret. He agreed.

Look how selfish you are being. You are thinking only of you. Only of what benefits you. Who's going to take care of you. Who's going to solve your problems. You are not one to be talking about making rash decisions when you rashly thought to drink and rashly thought to 'borrow' alcohol while in rehab, and rashly thought to attack him physically. I understand you regret your rash decisions, but I see no indications HE's making rash decisions. He's making good ones.


But since then he won't touch me, barely talks to me, won't look at me, and shifts when I try to touch him.

Because, no matter how hard you try to manipulate it to be different, it's really over. You may be able to squeeze a little more time out of him, but basically it's over.


He knew I was an alcoholic when we got together, and I guess he thought he could handle it at the time. Now, not so much.

Funny, in your other thread you said you didn't realize you were an alcoholic until the minute you were fighting him for the vodka. So if you didn't know it, how could he have known it two years ago? He's supposed to know things about you that you didn't know yourself? That's unrealistic. How does this work, him telling you "I know you're an alcoholic" and you saying, "No, I'm not, I haven't crossed that line". This is stinkin' thinkin'.

And how dare you blame him for thinking he could handle it at the time and deciding now he can't. The whole problem centers on the fact YOU thought you could handle alcohol at the time you were binging and now it turns out not so much.

Him having an inkling of maybe you having a drinking problem (even though you say you didn't know until just two weeks ago yourself) does not constitute a lifelong contractual commitment to cope with your lying, drinking and violence.


I'm devastated; not only losing him and the life we planned, but the country that I became an adult in and consider my home. For me to go back now would be like immigrating to a country where I know no one, have no one, and no prospects.

And that's not anyone's problem but your own. It's not his. It's not his family's. However you got yourself into this situation, or your parents got you into this situation, it's not his problem.

Whether you like it or not, you are going to have to start being responsible for your own life, whether you are in England or the US. Going through life trying to finagle and argue other people into taking care of you will leave you in this situation over and over again.

You sound young, if you've been in the UK for less than 8 years and became an adult in England, then it sounds like you are no more than 22 or so. I find it odd that you have no friends or family in EITHER country and it never occurred to you to acquire skills/education to support yourself. Where is your family? And if you became an adult in England how is it you did not become a self supporting adult?
I wish you well, but it sounds like you have a lot more problems than just drinking and that binging on alcohol has not been your only poor decision. I said in my other thread that it doesn't sound like you are coping well with life, and what you've written here so far seems to confirm it.

Maybe the broken engagement is the best thing that could happen to you. You can now focus on getting your alcoholism under control and learning responsible life skills such as supporting yourself and independence.
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Old 11-17-2012, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by iseult View Post
And he says a part of him does too because he's scared and been through this too many times.
In the two years you've been together how many times have yo u relapsed? What is all that you've put him through? It's something for you to think about. His life matters too, not just yours, and going through a marriage to someone who over a course of 24 months keeps relapsing and putting you through crisis is not a wise thing to do.
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by iseult View Post
For him though there's also the fact this will all be kept from the rest of his family and his friends, he doesn't think his parents will come around and he also has to deal with the pain, fear, and doubt I've instilled in him.
So you want a marriage based on deception, one where he has to hide from his friends and family the realities of his life? You acknowledge that you've instilled pain, fear, and doubt in his life, but want him to handle it all alone and hide it from the people who care most for him because it serves your interests?

This is a TERRIBLE way to start and base a marriage on. Now not only are you going to be deceptive, you want him to be as well?

How is this good?
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:10 AM
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Maybe tone it down a little, SadHeart? You may not agree with her views or feelings on the situation but I don't think she needs to be attacked like this.
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:12 AM
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Wow Sadheart -No need to be too harsh with the OP. Whilst you may be right in some of what you say there is no need to really beat someone when they are desperate and down. Some compassion and support is what I've usually found on this site-criticizing andputting people down when they are at rock bottom may do more harm
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:17 AM
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When I find myself in a mess, I try to figure out what the root cause of it is. What is at the bottom of this? You said you are 'willing to do everything you can to get' sobriety. I haven't read that you quit drinking yet. You can't control anyone around you, but you can control this. There is a big tangle of emotions and events and reactions and uncertainty and expectation. At the center of all of this is the reason that you are posting here. The decision to quit drinking is yours.
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:27 AM
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some of my postings were made before I saw the other thread in F&F.... the true picture is very different I think, but whatever it is....

you need to tell the truth to yourself first and foremost. In reading this thread i thought you had a one night relapse, made a phone call to your future inlaws and they flipped out.

when i read your other thread, i see a different story?

you mention nothing of the physical altercation and hiding vodka or medical detox....and if you had medical detox, why would you feel like you were dying from withdrawals? hmmmm?
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:43 AM
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Although sadhearts posts seem harsh, I can't say that anything that sadheart said isn't true.

It seems there is a discrepency about what happened and what didn't, but your fiance has every right to change his mind. I am a recovering addict myself who is dating a recovering addict and in all honesty, if he were to go back to using I would call off the relationship, nevermind a marriage.

Please focus on yourself and make plans for your life that don't rely on others. Your in laws might have not realized the extent of your drinking and now realize what their son is in for. Maybe re-examine why you want to be with your boyfriend, and if the reasons are genuine and not so that you have shelter and support, then respect his feelings and do all the work to show yourself and others that you are serious about getting better.

I'm sure it is extremely scary to face not having a place to live, but that is up to you to figure out. If I was breaking it off with my boyfriend and he was pushing me to let him live with me in a second bedroom I would honestly feel like he was manipulating me to get a place to live. Although everyone's answers might not be what you want to hear, they are what you need to expect in order to move forward and make something of yourself.

I hope you work on a recovery plan and a way to find housing,

Maylie
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Old 11-17-2012, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
some of my postings were made before I saw the other thread in F&F.... the true picture is very different I think, but whatever it is....

you need to tell the truth to yourself first and foremost. In reading this thread i thought you had a one night relapse, made a phone call to your future inlaws and they flipped out.

when i read your other thread, i see a different story?

you mention nothing of the physical altercation and hiding vodka or medical detox....and if you had medical detox, why would you feel like you were dying from withdrawals? hmmmm?
I agree,having just read your other thread it paints a totally different picture.

i would not marry someone who lied to me and was physically violent. Please seek help and concentrate on your recovery rather than blaming your in-laws to be.
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Old 11-17-2012, 11:19 AM
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It sounds like you have to focus on the two priorities. Staying sober, and finding your own place to live. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is going to go through with the marriage and his family is not supportive so you may have to deal with a broken engagement. It sounds like you're a smart person who is qualified and working so you should be able to support yourself just fine. Maybe down the road if you are truly recovering your boyfriend will have a change of heart, but sometimes when people have been put through a lot they just can't get those feelings back. It's a shame that alcohol has to ruin so many love stories.
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Old 11-17-2012, 11:46 AM
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Target and walmart started the cheaper scrip programs just a few years ago. Your timelines dont match when i go back and read your previous posts. I thoight you were in the uk a lot longer?
Or maybe i am misreading?
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Old 11-17-2012, 01:25 PM
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I removed several posts.

This is the newcomers forum - please remember it is meant to be a welcoming place ....we're here to try and help folks make things better.

please consider the ignore function


Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.


Thanks

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Old 11-17-2012, 03:28 PM
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Sounds like emotional blackmail, dangling you on a string as to whether or not you stay in the UK. And im shock at their reaction. I'm from the UK n most of the ppl here drink a lot n a lot of my family are alcoholics getting up going to the pub all day then home.

Have they dealt with alcoholism before which may be triggering this strong reaction?

Thinking of you
Evey xxx
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