iseult

God i just realized how selfish and dumb I sound.

Hollyanne

You DO NOT sound selfish or dumb!
You are in a difficult and painful position.
You are perfectly welcome to toss around your thoughts here.
You will be OK, honestly.

Hollyanne

There was a mention here a couple of days ago about how some of us end up drinking more once we tried to stop.
Is this happening to you?

iseult

It always did in the past. Im having some cravings and moments where this feels so surreal and I just want a drink and shed this burden. But Im not going to. The memories of decoding are actually working for once.

Thank you so much for your replies. You have no idea how much you're helping me.

iseult

Stupid autocorrect! Detoxing.... Lol!!

Hollyanne

Decoding works too!

iseult

Things are just getting worse. Everytime he talks to them, they convince him he shouldn't have to go through this and that I should be sent back. Bear in mind, they rarely spoke to each other or saw each other until I forged a relationship among all us. They were singing my praises two weeks ago- paying for most the wedding, bought my dress. Now, they want to wash their hands of me and for him to do the same.

First off, I haven't lived in my home country in years. Why is this the only option they can come up with? Second, when his mother had her nervous breakdown a few years ago and had to go on medication, was her husband expected to ship her back to her parents' hometown?

Although it seems like my fiance thinks the opposite. Since he last spoke to them, he says he can't do this, can't commit to me, and that he won't let my visa influence how he feels because it shouldn't be on him (I would like to point out again that this wasn't why we were getting married-the wedding was long before the expiration of my visa). After they first spoke to him and he wanted to run, we decided to take this a day at a time without commitment.

He wanted to end it after he spoke to his parents again the other day, but I told him that I thought that if either of us ran away now when things are so extreme, we'd be making rash decisions we might regret. He agreed.

But since then he won't touch me, barely talks to me, won't look at me, and shifts when I try to touch him.

He knew I was an alcoholic when we got together, and I guess he thought he could handle it at the time. Now, not so much. I'm devastated; not only losing him and the life we planned, but the country that I became an adult in and consider my home. For me to go back now would be like immigrating to a country where I know no one, have no one, and no prospects.

Fandy

if you have been in the same country for so long, why can't you get your own visa and apply for citizenship? i'm confused that either you think anyone has the power to deport you? especially if your residency is unrelated to getting married.

maybe he is looking for an excuse?

iseult

UK. And I do have my own visa.

The laws have changed drastically since I first came here, especially with the new administration cracking down hard on immigration, so I'm unable to renew my type of visa now unless I get sponsorship from a job- which mine wouldn't do. Last I heard, I could apply for residency if I've lived here 8 years, but I'll be below that when my visa runs out.

elihoping

Iseult, I'm so sorry to hear that, that's really tough. Was there any particular reason for him not being close to them before? Were they always controlling with his life in the past?

Anna

It might be a good idea to consider taking action yourself. Right now you're in a position where your fiance and his parents are basically making decisions for you. If I were you, I might think seriously about saying okay, I am making a choice to take care of myself and if I have to leave this country, I will. I can make a choice to move forward with my life.

Fandy

or if you wish to stay in UK, is there another way to obtain sponsorship, or extend your current visa? Maybe if you seek some legal advise it would make you feel better.

I don't like that people think they have special power over what is most important to you....staying in UK. If you are proactive and know that your status is safe, you operate and recover from a secure position...which ultimately helps you maintain a calm, sober mind.

and sends a very CLEAR message to meddling parents too. good luck.

justhadenough

I agree with Anna-it sounds as though he/they are making all the decisions about YOU. You can make decisions about YOUR life. Stay strong-he sounds like a very weak man,you may be better off without him. Can you apply for a visa extension maybe if you are working? good luck.

iseult

No, I can't. And my job won't sponsor me- very few here will and I'm not in a specialized career. I want to go back to America eventually, but I have nowhere to go once I get there if I go now.

We just went to view a flat because our tenancy is about to run out and in a few weeks we won't have anywhere to live. Or, at least I won't. He broke down afterwards saying he can't move past this and doesn't see why he should have to, or why he should have to deal with this. And that I can't make any promises this won't happen again. I told him that I finally had the "click," the realization that I have this problem and I actually am taking the steps to address it. For him, he says the click was that he doesn't think he can or should have to deal with this.

I told him I can't promise it won't happen again, much like I can't promise I won't get cancer. He became enraged and said it's not the same. For me, this is my disease. He doesn't see it that way, and says he doesn't see any way for him to move past this. Let alone get a new place with me.

I've signed us up for counselling but he says he doesn't think any amount of help with get him past this.

I guess this ring came with more clauses that I realized.

Fandy

He sounds like hes waffling, not very supportive, all of a sudden?
I mean what did you do besides drink? Were you rude? Naked on the street?

Pondlady

Take stock of the facts:
You want to remain sober.
You want to remain in the UK.
You'll soon need a place to live since your tenancy is about to run out.
You want to remain sober.

Arm yourself with information ...what are your options? When does your Visa expire? Can you extend your tenancy - go month to month? Can you afford it without him? Could you get a smaller place with a shorter tenancy for yourself? How long till 8 years has lapsed?

I would limit your contact with him at this point - it's just too stressful and isn't accomplishing anything. Stay sober and get some answers to these questions so YOU can make a decision in your best interest .

iseult

When I was in medical detox, another woman in there gave me her vodka. I didn't have any of it, but for some reason it made me feel better knowing it was there because I was in the worst bits of withdrawal and felt like I was dying, going insane. He found it when he came to visit me, and I kept trying to get it back.

That was the moment it clicked for me I truly have a problem. I never had that before. He says for him, that was the moment it clicked he doesn't think he should have to deal with this despite loving me.

As for going out on my own...

Unfortunately, I don't have the financial means to go on my own and one of the limits of my visa here is that I can't get any kind of social services support. So I know it's weighing heavy on him that I'm pretty much dependent on him at the minute in terms of living situations, and staying here.

My new job starts after our tenancy ends so in a couple months I'll have money (the UK pays monthly). I so want to give us space, but other than me going back to a country where I have nowhere to go, I don't see any other options. I've offered that if we get a new place, I'll take the second bedroom. My hours will have me away from him most the time anyway. He's going to get back to me on it.

Fandy

i dont understand the entire circumstances that brought to this break-up, but you were in medical detox with vodka and he found it. (i read your other thread in f&f)

maybe your problem is bigger than he can handle right now...i do hope it works out and keep posting here for support.

iseult

That's pretty much it. He doesn't think he can or should have to deal with this, and sees it as a moral and personal defect rather than a disease/problem I couldn't control (goodness I sound like AA literature).

Things were okay when I first got back, but since talking to his parents it's gotten worse. Everytime he talks to them it gets worse still.

Thanks for your support guys. I'm falling apart and terrified, but so glad I have you all, and that I'm sober for this.

Auvers

In my opinion, when getting sober is on the table, that is the only issue to focus on. If you put that first, then it would be you who would tell your bf you have to postpone marriage and other big decisions while you get your sobriety established. Sounds as if you are financially dependent on your bf, if so, working on changing that would be the next most important thing, IMHO, because the stressors associated with being so vulnerable, powerless are just what addiction thrives on. You have vey important issues to address that involve you and you alone. Be strong, look for emotional support elsewhere so that you are not isolated and seeing your bf as your only lifeline. You can do it. Many of us have pulled ourselves out of very dire circumstances, but it takes accessing your personal strengths.