EternalQ

Thank you Paper! It helps me so much to hear from people who are ahead of me in sobriety. It is really reassuring. I'm so grateful for the feedback.

PippoRossi

Oh, yes, I seem to like to self sabotage, too! I am 81 days sober and only now am I starting to work myself out of those old habits. Slowly but surely.

PippoRossi

Yes, yes, YES! This make total sense to me. So comforting to find others who are in the same boat.

MIRecovery

Self destructive behavior R US. In some warped way I miss the pain, the choas, the guilt, the shame. This is the world I know far better than the world of sobriety. One of the professionals I saw said this, "We will always gravitate to what we know even if what we know is bad." This is our compfort zone in it's own sick and twisted way.

I have found that putting the plug in the jug is only the beginning of sobriety and I have a long way to go.

hypochondriac

Thanks for bringing this up EQ

I did some self sabotaging without even realising I was doing it. That was the scary thing. It was only minor drama creating stuff and general fecklessness but I realised that I was freaked out by the calm. In a way it is kind of comforting to know I can be a f**k up without the booze. In the same way I used everything that was wrong in my life as an excuse to drink, I also blamed all my problems on the booze. I anticipate that eventually I'm gonna love this calm zen like life x

EternalQ

Reviving this thread!
Because I am feeling like my life is starting to move. The wheels are turning. I am soo not used to this....
Drinking made sure this wouldn't happen and so wouldnt end in disappointment.
It guarded me from disappointment because it guarded me from change and risk...
What will guard me now?

hypochondriac

I totally understand where you're coming from EQ. I tend to cling on to the thought I had when I just quit that 'well, it can't get much worse'. And it didn't. Things get better in sobriety, not worse, and it's scary, but it's way better than when we were drinking.

I understand the premise, but if you don't do anything because you fear it'll end in disappointment, then how disappointing is that going to be?! Drinking kept us paralysed for years so it's natural that the cogs'll be a bit rusty but the decision to get sober didn't turn out so bad Maybe the next thing will be just as fantastic x

juniperskye

I am most uncomfortable when things are going well. Because I am an alcoholic and should belong to Alanon too, I have to take it one day/moment/minute at a time to get enjoyment out of the good times in life. I'm still learning too. But i do believe eventually it will become second nature and i will be able to enjoy good times, when life is where i think i want it, when I am kayaking, when i am camping, when i am swimming. all those things i know i enjoy but it takes effort to enjoy now in early sobriety. (also hard to enjoy in winter in the northeast at this moment) I can relate to self sabotage, i would be sitting in the cabin crying when everyone was out enjoying themselves playing a board game on the porch in the rain. I felt like I was missing out and there was nothing I could do about it. you're not alone, we can make it together
:ghug3

quitforme79

Hey Q, I am only a little over 2 months so not sure if I will do this YET lol However, my whole life has been about self-sabotaging good things. I am glad you raised this issue because I am sure it will be something I will contend with. I think the fact that you are even aware of it says that something inside you has changed for the better Sometimes we need to force ourselves to be good to ourselves. Congrats on 9 months!

EternalQ

I am reviving this old thread because I am feeling like this again and I figure I can't be the only one. I am getting closer and closer to having cleaned up the huge mess I made of my life. My house is becoming humane and presentable. I have money in the bank and am not sweating that a debit card will be denied. I am addressing various health issues long neglected. And so on. Sometimes I am pleased about this but other times (like today) I am panicked.

It feels like my defenses to keep people and pleasure at a distance are leaving with the chaos. I feel frightened. Agitated. Very scared. Out of control. Slightly immobilized.

Which is silly because no one is going to make me change a thing if I don't want to.

But I feel so vulnerable! I know this is getting close to the crux of why I drank. I don't want to let anyone in. I don't want to be swept away by change. I want to feel in control and drinking gave me the illusion that there is such a thing.

But there's not.

I won't drink. But I am very uncomfortable without the chaos, disorder, and failure.

I have more things to fix in all areas mentioned. But I would say I am over the worst of it in each area. Perhaps I am afraid momentum will start without my consent. It reminds me of the one and only time I ever skied. At Killington with no lessons, my college boyfriend showed me some things. I spent the weekend making myself fall on purpose whenever I started to feel the exhilaration. I would squash that joy like a bug.

No they'll be none of that happiness and excitement overtaking me, Missy! Lol.

Thanks for listening, as always. If anyone has gone through this also and wants to add, please do. I feel very alone in this. Thank you.

xoutlawx

im new to this, im only 5 weeks clean but im definitely already self sabotaging. im finding more and more reasons to start using again ive held it off up to now
but its like i cant stop thinking my mind is racing all the time and people/family telling me how well im doing isnt helping its just reminding me how much im gunna lose when/if i **** up again

hypochondriac

Bless you EQ, you deserve nice things and happiness! Have you ever had any counselling to figure out why you feel this way? I can relate a lot. I am naturally defensive and very controlling of my environment. Something a keyworker I was seeing said struck me, she said maybe I need to find something else I can control. This confused me a bit as I always thought that having to have that element of control was a bad thing, but maybe there is a way of doing it in a healthy way? x

mecanix

Q ,
My life has calmed down , it is very peaceful but i do have the feeling of now that i've found sobriety what am i gonna do with it (to paraphrase an old song ) .

Some things like getting healthy and finances are moving forwards .
I find the practaice of acceptance useful in my "loss of control".
Then trying to bring a spirit of magnanimity/equanimity to the up's and the down's, those results of not being in control that alcohol and sloppy thinking deluded me into thinking were things i was in control of

Where i find myself now is thinking more upon where ones focus and action should be directed . Where are the points of power in my life ? and quite how much should i actively persue changes .

More questions than answers i'm afraid Q and more about me than you .

you are not alone, we're all here traveling along the way

Bestwishes, M

EternalQ

Hyp~ thank you! Yes plenty of counseling and I have every idea why I'm this way, however insight doesn't bring change and sometimes it can get in the way of it. The fact remains I have to power through and breathe. Lol

Mecanix~ No your post was about ME! Lol That was a Very helpful post for me. It all applied and all helped. I shall refer to it. Thank you!

Xou Do not ever say to yourself WHEN I drink. Do not let that seed drop in your mind. It will take root. Say to yourself "Today I am not drinking. I can decide what I am going to do tomorrow when tomorrow comes." You will be a different person tomorrow. Today just deal with who you are TODAY.

Hmnnn.. Advice I should take too!