Feeling a bit like a fraud.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Sheffield
Posts: 7
Feeling a bit like a fraud.
Hi all,
So, I've come here because I finally admitted I have a problem with alcohol. Been to Doctor, first AA meeting yesterday, no booze in 5 days.
Thing is, I feel like a phony. Everyone at the meeting was lovely, but they were all like "oh this part is so hard, don't worry, it will get better" and I'm like, "meh, I'm mostly ok actually"
My drinking has been unhealthy. Secret, frequent and for the express purpose of damping anxiety and blotting out troubles. 2 bottles of wine, on the down low, was common.
But by and large I was still functional, just miserable and making my partner miserable, too. I'd tried to cut down solo but never lasted very long.
But it's not the "hit bottom" I keep hearing about. It's more the edge of the cliff. I can see where this is taking me and I don't want to go there.
But when I hear of these people with much more serious problems than me I feel like a tourist, enjoying the support on false pretenses.
Does that make any sense?
SG
So, I've come here because I finally admitted I have a problem with alcohol. Been to Doctor, first AA meeting yesterday, no booze in 5 days.
Thing is, I feel like a phony. Everyone at the meeting was lovely, but they were all like "oh this part is so hard, don't worry, it will get better" and I'm like, "meh, I'm mostly ok actually"
My drinking has been unhealthy. Secret, frequent and for the express purpose of damping anxiety and blotting out troubles. 2 bottles of wine, on the down low, was common.
But by and large I was still functional, just miserable and making my partner miserable, too. I'd tried to cut down solo but never lasted very long.
But it's not the "hit bottom" I keep hearing about. It's more the edge of the cliff. I can see where this is taking me and I don't want to go there.
But when I hear of these people with much more serious problems than me I feel like a tourist, enjoying the support on false pretenses.
Does that make any sense?
SG
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 1,384
Everyones problems different, its not how much you drink or when you drink, its how drink is affecting your life.
Reading your post suggests to me its affecting your life. These forums are great some great posters.
Stay of alcoHELL and watch things improve, slowly but they will improve.
Good luck.
Reading your post suggests to me its affecting your life. These forums are great some great posters.
Stay of alcoHELL and watch things improve, slowly but they will improve.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
yes SG, it does make sense. Today we are much better educated on addiction, we don't have to "hit bottom" as low as was done in the past. If alcohol is giving you problems, AA or Ratioinal Recovery, SMART or another program can help you quit drinking.
What is the hardest part, I think, is realizing we have to quit drinking altogether. it seems once the addiction trigger has been pulled, there's no going back to moderate or "normal" drinking for some of us.
Please don't feel like a fraud or a phony. many of us didn't lose jobs, spouses, have legal problems and also drank on the down low. I was like that. I'm sober today. alcoholism is tricky. read around on SR and you'll see, you're not alone!
Love from Lenina
What is the hardest part, I think, is realizing we have to quit drinking altogether. it seems once the addiction trigger has been pulled, there's no going back to moderate or "normal" drinking for some of us.
Please don't feel like a fraud or a phony. many of us didn't lose jobs, spouses, have legal problems and also drank on the down low. I was like that. I'm sober today. alcoholism is tricky. read around on SR and you'll see, you're not alone!
Love from Lenina
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Sarah - welcome 
I think it's a natural human thing to compare ourselves to others, but I'm not always sure it's useful.
Your drinking was unhealthy, it caused problems for you and your partner, you had troubles stopping or cutting back.
All of us can identify with that, no matter what our story
I think you're in the right place at AA and I know you're in the right place here
D
I think it's a natural human thing to compare ourselves to others, but I'm not always sure it's useful.
Your drinking was unhealthy, it caused problems for you and your partner, you had troubles stopping or cutting back.
All of us can identify with that, no matter what our story
I think you're in the right place at AA and I know you're in the right place here
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Sarah,
There are people in AA with much worse problems, or lower bottoms than you. You don't want to go there, trust me.
I used to have a bad habit of telling my "drunkalog" in AA meetings. I drank a fifth of whiskey a day, minimum. A wise old timer called me out on this, saying that the guy that was in AA trying to kick a 10 beer a day habit doesn't need this kind of stuff for exactly that reason - he might think he doesn't really have a problem. He told me to refocus my sharing on what is better now that I'm sober. That was great advice.
I also now tend to go to big book or step study meetings as opposed to discussion meetings. Discussion meetings by their nature tend to allow people to talk about their drinking history, their car broke down yesterday, their job sucks, etc. - things that have nothing to do with recovery or the 12 steps. If you can get to a big book or step study meeting I highly recommend it.
There are people in AA with much worse problems, or lower bottoms than you. You don't want to go there, trust me.
I used to have a bad habit of telling my "drunkalog" in AA meetings. I drank a fifth of whiskey a day, minimum. A wise old timer called me out on this, saying that the guy that was in AA trying to kick a 10 beer a day habit doesn't need this kind of stuff for exactly that reason - he might think he doesn't really have a problem. He told me to refocus my sharing on what is better now that I'm sober. That was great advice.
I also now tend to go to big book or step study meetings as opposed to discussion meetings. Discussion meetings by their nature tend to allow people to talk about their drinking history, their car broke down yesterday, their job sucks, etc. - things that have nothing to do with recovery or the 12 steps. If you can get to a big book or step study meeting I highly recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Makes perfect sense to me Sarah. I felt very much the same way. But then I still found myself nodding lots in AA meetings! Try to look for the similarities rather than the differences. The problem with alcohol is always the same even though the circumstances may be different. I bet if you hang around a bit you'll discover a lot more people who had a similar experience to you. I thought I was a 'functional' alcoholic too, until someone here pointed out to me that was a stage of alcoholism rather than a type. I could see how things were getting progressively worse and really it was questionable how well I was functioning!
I also have this problem of minimising my drinking problem... especially early on in recovery and other peoples horror stories supported that in a way. But really that was just my alcoholic voice trying to convince me it was okay to drink... 'it wasn't that bad, maybe you could drink socially after all', when I knew fine well that I wasn't capable of doing that. Those thoughts have calmed down as the months pass but it has been a bit up and down.
Glad you're here x
I also have this problem of minimising my drinking problem... especially early on in recovery and other peoples horror stories supported that in a way. But really that was just my alcoholic voice trying to convince me it was okay to drink... 'it wasn't that bad, maybe you could drink socially after all', when I knew fine well that I wasn't capable of doing that. Those thoughts have calmed down as the months pass but it has been a bit up and down.
Glad you're here x
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Welcome to SR Sarah,you are definitely in the right place at an AA meeting.
Keep going back and look for the simlarities in peoples shares not the differences.In the meetings I attend there are loads of people who drank like you.I took my drinking a lot further,one of the reasons for that is I didnt want to go to AA! I can see the madness of that thinking today.
The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
I am sure if you keep going back you will find plenty of ladies who will give you their phone numbers,Try some different meetings,there are plenty in Sheffield.
Wishing you well.
Keep going back and look for the simlarities in peoples shares not the differences.In the meetings I attend there are loads of people who drank like you.I took my drinking a lot further,one of the reasons for that is I didnt want to go to AA! I can see the madness of that thinking today.
The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.
I am sure if you keep going back you will find plenty of ladies who will give you their phone numbers,Try some different meetings,there are plenty in Sheffield.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
I know how you feel. I felt that way myself.
At the age of 20, I was in Al-Anon trying to deal with my mother's alcoholism, and in counseling trying to get my own mind straightened out. I continued drinking throughout it all.
Then I got a DWI at 21; and I don't remember the accident. I ended up with my license suspended, in a drinking driver program and was mandated to attend a certain number of AA meetings. I felt I had nothing in common with the people in that room, did my "duty", and kept drinking.
At 31, I got a second DWI, and rather than go through all that again, I chose not to drive, but I kept drinking. I ignored the courts and hid.
At 34, I was in a hospital detox and praying that someone would save me.
I honestly don't believe in the "bottom" theory; it's one of the reasons I come here to SR everyday. You don't have to be in the gutter and experience the pain that many of us have experienced - all you need is a willingness to stop the madness. You are on a cliff, of sorts, and what you do now can make all the difference in your life.
Truth is when I was at AA at 21, I was busy determining that my mother was at her bottom, and I did nothing for myself. Believing in that "bottom" theory kept me drinking for far too many years, with the result being that it is exactly where I ended up. So unnecessary.
My hope is you do everything you can to get booze out of your life today. Stay the course...
At the age of 20, I was in Al-Anon trying to deal with my mother's alcoholism, and in counseling trying to get my own mind straightened out. I continued drinking throughout it all.
Then I got a DWI at 21; and I don't remember the accident. I ended up with my license suspended, in a drinking driver program and was mandated to attend a certain number of AA meetings. I felt I had nothing in common with the people in that room, did my "duty", and kept drinking.
At 31, I got a second DWI, and rather than go through all that again, I chose not to drive, but I kept drinking. I ignored the courts and hid.
At 34, I was in a hospital detox and praying that someone would save me.
I honestly don't believe in the "bottom" theory; it's one of the reasons I come here to SR everyday. You don't have to be in the gutter and experience the pain that many of us have experienced - all you need is a willingness to stop the madness. You are on a cliff, of sorts, and what you do now can make all the difference in your life.
Truth is when I was at AA at 21, I was busy determining that my mother was at her bottom, and I did nothing for myself. Believing in that "bottom" theory kept me drinking for far too many years, with the result being that it is exactly where I ended up. So unnecessary.
My hope is you do everything you can to get booze out of your life today. Stay the course...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: South Africa
Posts: 44
Love your analagy of looking over the edge of the cliff.
This for me was probably my "rock bottom", I had lost alot, but not all (yet).
Dont compare your's to others.
The only true rock bottom is probably death. Everything else is subjective. It doesn't matter where or when your turning point is. As long as you have it. Landing up unemployed, in a mental institution, jail , etc etc doesnt make someone more or less an alcoholic/addict then anyone else.
No such thing as half pregnant
This for me was probably my "rock bottom", I had lost alot, but not all (yet).
Dont compare your's to others.
The only true rock bottom is probably death. Everything else is subjective. It doesn't matter where or when your turning point is. As long as you have it. Landing up unemployed, in a mental institution, jail , etc etc doesnt make someone more or less an alcoholic/addict then anyone else.
No such thing as half pregnant
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
You're not a phony at all. You just have different problems than others. No sin in that. I agree with those who said that if it's causing you problems in your life it's best to stop drinking, no matter where you are at that point.
Welcome to the family!
Welcome to the family!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Welcome to SR and good for you for those 5 days.
I think it's fantastic that you aren't finding it tough - don't let that put you off being sober. Some people have no withdrawal symptoms and find the process fine, others have terribly symptoms and find that the beginning is awful.
You don't have to 'hit bottom' to get sober. You're not a fraud at all. I wouldn't necessarily say that I hit rock bottom... I just got to a point where I no longer wanted to live my life that way for mental and physical health reasons.
Hope you stick around and post as much as you want, it really does help.
Glad you're here
I think it's fantastic that you aren't finding it tough - don't let that put you off being sober. Some people have no withdrawal symptoms and find the process fine, others have terribly symptoms and find that the beginning is awful.
You don't have to 'hit bottom' to get sober. You're not a fraud at all. I wouldn't necessarily say that I hit rock bottom... I just got to a point where I no longer wanted to live my life that way for mental and physical health reasons.
Hope you stick around and post as much as you want, it really does help.
Glad you're here
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Central Kansas
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by Sarahgeek 
But when I hear of these people with much more serious problems than me I feel like a tourist, enjoying the support on false pretenses.
Does that make any sense?SG
Does that make any sense?SG
When I go to AA meetings, come here to SR, even during IOP Rehab, I listen, I hear and see that many others addictions/problems are so much worse then mine...but that doesn't mean mine can't get as bad.
I listen with an open heart and mind, I feel nothing but empathy and compassion for those who suffer worse then me, rather then compare myself with them, I'm trying to learn from them..Learn that I don't have to completely reach rock bottom before I find the necessary help I need to get better.
Afterall, I am still an Alcoholic, I share so much in common with each person I listen to and read about and each person no matter how awful their experiences are compared to mine, offer me hope and support. In fact when I here some of the life stories told...I think to myself, "Wow, If they can stay sober, I can too.
Sometimes we just need to look at the flip side of the coin. Good Luck with your recovery!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Clinton, MT
Posts: 255
I've been to hundreds of meetings through the years and have never:
1) heard anyone that drank exactly like I did
2) heard anyone describe their "bottom" exactly like mine was (that's kinda funny but ya'll know what I mean)
If we listen for an exact description of ourselves, we're probably not going to find it. Everyone is different. The point is that we share a common disorder and there is a common solution that works wonderfully.
All the best.
1) heard anyone that drank exactly like I did
2) heard anyone describe their "bottom" exactly like mine was (that's kinda funny but ya'll know what I mean)
If we listen for an exact description of ourselves, we're probably not going to find it. Everyone is different. The point is that we share a common disorder and there is a common solution that works wonderfully.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by SunnyFlower
I listen with an open heart and mind, I feel nothing but empathy and compassion for those who suffer worse then me, rather then compare myself with them, I'm trying to learn from them..Learn that I don't have to completely reach rock bottom before I find the necessary help I need to get better.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by Sarahgeek
Hi all,
So, I've come here because I finally admitted I have a problem with alcohol. Been to Doctor, first AA meeting yesterday, no booze in 5 days.
Thing is, I feel like a phony. Everyone at the meeting was lovely, but they were all like "oh this part is so hard, don't worry, it will get better" and I'm like, "meh, I'm mostly ok actually"
My drinking has been unhealthy. Secret, frequent and for the express purpose of damping anxiety and blotting out troubles. 2 bottles of wine, on the down low, was common.
But by and large I was still functional, just miserable and making my partner miserable, too. I'd tried to cut down solo but never lasted very long.
But it's not the "hit bottom" I keep hearing about. It's more the edge of the cliff. I can see where this is taking me and I don't want to go there.
But when I hear of these people with much more serious problems than me I feel like a tourist, enjoying the support on false pretenses.
Does that make any sense?
SG
So, I've come here because I finally admitted I have a problem with alcohol. Been to Doctor, first AA meeting yesterday, no booze in 5 days.
Thing is, I feel like a phony. Everyone at the meeting was lovely, but they were all like "oh this part is so hard, don't worry, it will get better" and I'm like, "meh, I'm mostly ok actually"
My drinking has been unhealthy. Secret, frequent and for the express purpose of damping anxiety and blotting out troubles. 2 bottles of wine, on the down low, was common.
But by and large I was still functional, just miserable and making my partner miserable, too. I'd tried to cut down solo but never lasted very long.
But it's not the "hit bottom" I keep hearing about. It's more the edge of the cliff. I can see where this is taking me and I don't want to go there.
But when I hear of these people with much more serious problems than me I feel like a tourist, enjoying the support on false pretenses.
Does that make any sense?
SG
In fact, I think that the idea needing to "hit bottom" is seriously misplaced and best, and at worst dangerous. I cannot tell you the number of people I've known in my life who died of addiction because they were waiting for the magic moment when they hit bottom. Well, their "bottom" was death.
You do not have to wait to change your life for the better.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
I used to think the same thing and there was a few things going on. One and most obvious - I really hadn't lost tangible things like my kids of husband. But two and most important I was just rigging my next 'relapse'. Because if I wasn't like them... I could still drink.
So just be careful. In recovery I have found is quite shocking to realize just how 'bad' I was.
So just be careful. In recovery I have found is quite shocking to realize just how 'bad' I was.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Haverfordwest, West Wales, UK
Posts: 11
I reached "the edge of the cliff" too, rather than rock bottom. I was terrified before I did my detox of how I would cope afterwards... I'm now 12 days sober and I feel wonderful It's like someone's has given me High- Def eyes, I feel alive in a way that I haven't felt for a long time My husband has his wife back, my daughter has her mum back and me? I'm BACK!! I am seeing an addiction counsellor and the alcohol misuse nurse weekly & I'm taking disulfiram, at least in the short term but I can honestly say, I've had no cravings, nothing & if someone put a glass of wine in my hand, I'd throw it away. Life is so good now, I'll NEVER go back to drinking again. I don't need that rubbish to feel better, I feel better than ever, sober
It's like someone's has given me High- Def eyes, I feel alive in a way that I haven't felt for a long time My husband has his wife back, my daughter has her mum back and me? I'm BACK!! I am seeing an addiction counsellor and the alcohol misuse nurse weekly & I'm taking disulfiram, at least in the short term but I can honestly say, I've had no cravings, nothing & if someone put a glass of wine in my hand, I'd throw it away. Life is so good now, I'll NEVER go back to drinking again. I don't need that rubbish to feel better, I feel better than ever, sober Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
Your drinking sounds just like mine was. I stopped once for a while and went back to it after I decided I wasn't that bad. And when I quit, I wasn't nearly as terrible as I had been. But it doesn't matter. All of us have different experiences. The only thing we have in common is we used to or currently drink, and we want to stop. That's it.
When I quit, I didn't back myself off of a ledge or scrape myself off the bottom. I just threw off the cover that I'd been hiding behind.
I stopped once for a while and went back to it after I decided I wasn't that bad. And when I quit, I wasn't nearly as terrible as I had been. But it doesn't matter. All of us have different experiences. The only thing we have in common is we used to or currently drink, and we want to stop. That's it. When I quit, I didn't back myself off of a ledge or scrape myself off the bottom. I just threw off the cover that I'd been hiding behind.
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