Kza

I am staying with my parents temporarily as I work abroad. I cannot/won't drink when I stay with them as I am too terrified of what I might say or do. After calling my sister when drunk a number of times, five or six years ago and saying appalling things, she still won't have anything to do with me. I daren't lose them as well. I am dangerously short of friends and family. But my parents are staying with my sister on Saturday night and like a teenager whose parents are away, guess what one part of my brain is planning to do? Of course my party would be a party of one. This would suit me as there would be no distractions. Even found myself planning how to get rid if the bottles and cans as I think they think I haven't drunk in a while.

FredG

We're terrific planners of how to sabatoge ourselves but not so great on how to plan to get better.

I've a sister that after 34+ years still doesn't want anything to do with me. How much are you willing to lose, because as the saying goes, "if you haven't lost absolutely everything you value in life ... keep drinking ... you most certainly will"

Sapling

What are you doing to work towards your recovery Kza?

Kza

Reading, exercising, eating well, coming on here, keeping a diary

Sapling

Have you considered face to face support?....I couldn't do it without it.

Kza

Keep saying I will but I cannot face it. I went to two AA meetings a year and a half ago.

Dee74

I think there's a time when we have to make different choices Kza - I think this weekend will be one of those crossroads for you.

It took me 20 years but I had to realise I wasn't a teenager anymore - and my choices were killing me.

Go to a movie, go for a long bike ride, buy a new video game, help out at a soup kitchen, ride the buses, check out a recovery meeting...do whatever...anything's healthier than drinking and going back to square one

D

Sapling

It takes more than two meetings...I didn't want to face it either....I don't think anybody does....But look at the alternative you are facing....It's life threatening. I had to suck it up and committ to doing 90 meetings in 90 days....I haven't had a drink in 14 months...And no desire to.

Kza

I cannot accept 'no desire to'. Did it wear off? Did it go away in a flash after day x? did you have some kind of epiphany? Are you seriously saying that you would not like to drink or get drunk?

jennikate

Well, I don't know about sapling, but I sure wouldn't. I never would have believed it either. Can't really explain it. My last binge was just so bad. Drunk for 10 days, peed myself, drunk at work, couldn't eat-just felt like vomiting. The horror of it all really sunk in and I hope (and I work hard) to never forget it.
Go to AA and am working the steps with my sponsor has made a huge difference for me. I guess if I had to call it anything I'd call it an awakening.

Sapling

I did those 12 steps and that book told me this would happen....And it did. And I've seen it happen to a lot of people. Pretty amazing.

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

BB pg 83 - 84

Dee74

I remember other threads.
You seem really stuck on this Kza.

If AA's not your thing, fine.
I've never done AA (or any programme) besides SR.

I have no desire to drink...I have rough times in my life when fleeting thoughts have reoccurred but it's on the same level now as 'go play on the freeway'...It's not something I'm going to do.

I trust...not hope not wish, I can *bank* on the fact that I won't because I worked very hard on my recovery and on myself for the last five years.

I can drink or I live the life I want. There's no middle ground.

Noone's lying to you - you can have what I have - if you're prepared to work for it like I and others have done

That work can start with a good decision this weekend.

D

Anna

I'm not an AA person either, and I have no desire to drink at all, ever.

I have learned healthy ways to deal with life's ups and downs and I have learned that the only thing I can control is myself and my reactions.

And, Dee's right, there is no middle ground.

Lenina

Seriously, I have no desire to drink or get drunk. that is certain disaster for me.

AA is a good program. the meetings are not the program, the 12 Steps are. They made sense to me over time, stress reduction, cleaning up the messes I made while drinking, becoming a more honest, ethical person.

I use Rational Recovery and AVRT these days. I have a better understanding of addiction. You might give AVRT threads a read. There's no need to be suffering or white knuckling it.

Love from Lenina

Sapling

I have a question for you Lenina...And I'm all for AVRT or anything else that works....But if you worked the steps of AA and had the obsession lifted...Ceased fighting it....Why do you need AVRT?....I'm just curious.

Lenina

Sapling, I could not wrap my head around a Higher power. I had a very wonderful and gifted sponsor for eight years, she passed from cancer. I never enjoyed or got very much from the meetings. I didn't fit in. also, I felt like the One Day at a Time was sort of a loophole. my disease of alcoholism likes loopholes!

for me, the best route to continuous sobriety is not drinking, ever. it's a closed issue for me. There is no tomorrow, maybe. I do think that addiction may be a disorder of the pleasure receptors in our brains. The concept of Beast and Addictive Voice make perfect sense to me. The ability to acknowledge the rumbling Beast and recognize the AV is very smooth for me. it rarely disturbs me.

Some folks may need more formal meetings. I am happy with the support here on SR and in my private readings.

I hope this makes sense, I'm not a very good explainer! LOL

Love from Lenina

Sapling

I got you....You never really completed the steps...That would make sense. I'm happy you have something that works for you....I love seeing people get sober.

Lenina

sapling, I guess you could say I completed the Steps to the best of my ability. I still use much of AA in conducting my personal and professional life. My sponsor was cool with me using the Universe as a Higher Power or a Power Outside of Myself. over the years, the Steps made sense to me, as stress reduction, as guidance, as keeping myself "clean" karmically.

AA isn't for everyone. I wish more had been known when I first realized I had problems with alcohol and was frantically looking for help. I am so very grateful today others can get help, don't have to suffer with our disease because the only answer is: "Go to a meeting."

I hope this helps you.

Love from Lenina

Sapling

Just to clarify on this. This is step one in AA. The One day at a time has to do with living one day at a time....Not drinking.....Although for people new to the program....Not drinking one day at a time is a good start.

Dee74

Lets focus back on the OP.

D