foodie1

Baaaaaahahahaha!! I was thinking the same thing!

I was just reflecting on something similar to this Pigtails and I think everyone's words of wisdom on here are spot on, so thank you for the thread. I've gotten so used to trying to contort myself into fitting into other people's boxes, and of course that changes depending on who I'm with at the time, it was a nightmare of insecurity! I'm slowly realizing my own identity, that I won't be BFFs with everyone, and that I do have something to offer the world in my own weird, non-vanilla way. I'm positive it's the same for you Pigtails.

Btw, somebody in my area had started a book club within the recovery community that was pretty fun, we read recovery and "normal" books and it was nice to be among "friends."

All the best to you!!

Lost3000

I feel your pain Pigtails. I joined a book club too earlier this year. I drifted away from it. It was a wine and chocolate book club. These women drank normally, but I just felt really out of place. I kept going, but eventually just dropped out. I tried to invite a couple of them out for other activities, and it really felt like we were creating a friendship, but they haven't contacted me since I left the book club.

I hate to sound like a broken record to you, but you did ask for suggestions. Since I joined AA, I have a circle of girlfriends that I am completey comfortable around. I've been invited to a few outings now. One of them was a party and I was completely nervous about it - but when I got there I had no idea why I was so nervous.

The awesome thing about having a group of AA girlfriends is that they ALL know where I'm coming from, because they've ALL been there! There isn't any pretention, no game I have to play. I cried when I talked about my work crap going on and they were all there for me.

I also don't have to worry about them having booze filled parties, or them wanting to hang in a booze oriented area. Because they don't drink!

Besides my AA suggestion, I suggest shopping around for other book clubs. I also think that you are overthinking it. Really, the club could just not be the best fit for you. Your adoption experience IS interesting. And maybe they are boring! Just keep on, keep searching stuff out. Eventually things will work out for you - as long as you don't drink. Hang in there!

Pigtails

Thanks everyone for the movie suggestion-- I haven't seen "Little Children" but now I want to watch it!

Lost-- The main reason I liked AA when I used to go was the social support. I did make some friends and it was nice to feel comfortable being around people who understood what I was going through and supported me. However I could not get past how "religious" it seems. They all carried around their "Big Books" which to me was like a Bible they quoted from and thought had the answers to everything, but when I questioned things that didn't make sense to me, I was told to just keep coming back and believe in the promises etc... to me this was eerily similar to the religion of my youth, where I was told to just have faith and believe everything I was told, when I just couldn't/didn't.

Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me but I felt it was almost cult-like and perhaps I'm selfish in thinking I just want the good parts of it--the friendship and understanding, the advice and the help--- but not the bad parts. I am not saying there were not parts of the Big Book I couldn't relate to-- there certainly were-- or that much of the advice I got was not great advice-- it was. I just didn't get the whole part where it talked about the silly atheists and agnostics who eventually realized they had to believe in some divine Creator and turn their lives over to this supreme spiritual being etc... I believe there is a way I can stay sober without believing in some deity and I just felt that the program wasn't working for me because of that. Also there was a homework assignment my sponsor gave me that talked about negative character flaws/defects and some of the aspects of my personality were on there such as shy/reserved/introverted and it made me feel like they were saying that who I am is essentially wrong and I had to become the opposite and it was very overwhelming for me.

I don't think I'm able to express my thoughts right when it comes to AA-- it helped me and I like most of the people in it but it did not feel like the right philosophy for me. I would love to find a secular recovery group of women I can bond with and who don't drink- or even just friends whose lives don't revolve around drinking but who also aren't boring. I'm not saying I'd never give AA another try but it overwhelms me to think about it for some reason so I'm trying to just keep doing what is working, which is reminding myself rationally and practically about why I am not drinking and why life is better without alcohol-- so far that is really working for me and it is something I can easily grasp and understand.

Anyway I got off on a tangent about AA but I appreciate the help and advice. I guess it is fine to realize that these women are just not my cup of tea and keep trying to find or further identify with women who are.

Lost3000

LOL, I would have ran away from AA too if I had that experience Pigtails. I was hypersensitive to the God stuff and wary of it being a cult. I hope me saying this helps you because I want you to know that I too felt like you and have still found my place in AA. I think everyone can find their place there, but it takes willingness, openess and frankly some shopping around.

The part in the book where it talks to agnostics - well, realize it was written in the 30s, and, it doesn't say that you can't get sober without God - anywhere. It does say that alcoholics can't recover without accepting that there is something more powerful than themselves (paraphrasing here), but several times the book says that religion need not be a part of recovery.

I for one do not believe in a divine creator, or a supreme spiritual being. I can admit that something more powerful than myself created the world I live in - and that's about as far as I go. It works for me, and many others I've come across.

I hope you find your way, I think your life will be more content when you can figure this out, AA or not.

foodie1

Oh my gosh I would've run away too if that had been my first experience of AA!! It's been difficult for me to find new friends who aren't drinkers/users but who also aren't goody-goodies. I just keep trying, I figure it's bound to happen someday! One thing that's been really helpful is keeping an open mind. When I'm invited to go somewhere, try something or meet someone, now instead of declining and drinking alone at home, I go. I've been pleasantly surprised! All the best to you Pigtails!!

Pigtails

Thanks everyone. Yesterday I went to a baby shower, which I was hesitant to do because I knew I would be sad after having a miscarriage recently. I actually spent the morning crying-- just shopping for baby clothes for a gift made me cry, and thinking about being at a baby shower-- and wondering if I should go. I reminded myself that I am very happy for my friend, who had been trying for years and years and using fertility treatments to try to have a child, and finally she is having one. I knew I had to somehow separate my feelings of grief for my feelings of happiness for her and desire to support her.

When I got there it was so much better than I had imagined it would be! I met this friend at my first real job out of graduate school, and it was a reunion of sorts, with lots of other people who had worked there or still worked there. I felt comfortable talking with the people I used to work with and even went outside of my comfort zone to catch up with some of the ones I hadn't seen in awhile or didn't know very well, and introduce myself to people I didn't know at all. I was invited to a networking group of women in my profession, which should help my business and also help me make friends and strengthen existing friendships. The awesome thing was that there was no alcohol offered at the baby shower-- just coffee and water and fruit punch and lemonade etc. I just started a work out and eating plan to lose weight for my upcoming birthday, so I even turned down cake and cookies, and felt good about sticking to my goals.

So I guess in certain situations I feel quite comfortable while in others I don't, and I just have to feel it out and see how it goes.

Anna

Pigtails, I think it's great that you're finding your own way in recovery and doing what works for you. That's all that matters.

And, I'm glad you had a good time at the shower. Sometimes that happens, when we're not expecting it.

Dee74

I really think that's the same for most of us - alcoholics, addicts or not, PT

D

Pigtails

Yeah, that's true.

I forgot to mention that there was a woman from AA at the baby shower! :-O I was so surprised. Honestly I was rather embarrassed and hoped she wouldn't "out" me-- however I don't think she even recognized me (if she did, she didn't let on at all). I knew her from large AA meetings where she sat in the front and was very vocal and they always called on her to do the reading etc. I liked to blend in in the back (although for some reason I always seemed to get called on to share). I guess it was much easier for me to recognize her than it was for her to recognize me! When we all had to go around and introduce ourselves at the shower and say how we knew the mom-to-be, she said that the mom-and-dad-to-be had let her and her partner stay with them when they first moved to the area, and that's part of why they decided to stay. What a small town I live in (it's actually a medium-sized city but things like this happen all the time).