Weasel1966

That's how many days I have been alive.

Late last night I had three shots of vodka.

Is this day 1?

No.... It's day 16834.

Tomorrow, god willing, will be day 16835.

SR becomes utterly useless the day I cannot come here and be honest and say I slipped. The reason for being here becomes mute. I wanted to hide from you. Not post. But why?

Do I want to share this? Hell no.

At each critical point in my weekend I made all the right choices. I am damn proud of myself.

At my brothers party I held strong.

Saturday night when things got dicy I said no. Reminded myself that i only have this moment and I want it for me. I don't want to give it away to nothingness.

I stayed in touch with a good friend on SR and that helped me more than I can express.

But the three shots? It's now a memory. A lesson. A point of reflection.

The old familiar guilt, shame, sadness.... They are all there about it. But that's the old ken.

Those three shot remind me of the pain of it all. And I won't accept that.

So on my 16834th day I will remain sober and continue to do what's right for myself. And leave the pain behind.

hypochondriac

Sorry to hear that Ken x I often found I could make it through social occasions and be all proud of myself, only to drink later or the next day even. Delayed reactions.

I had to remove myself from my life temporarily to give myself the space to get better, without putting unnecessary demands on myself.

Have you ever tried inpatient detox or anything like that, or just stopped going out for a bit? *Hugs* x

soulgypsy

Sorry you slipped.

I'd make sure that vodka is not around anymore. Pour the rest of it out immediately if you haven't already! If there's no booze around, that'll at least slow you down when the impulse arises and give you time to make a better decision next time.

Glad you were honest with yourself and posted. Keeping yourself accountable is important, at least it is for me.

I wish both strength and peace for you today as you start again.

Weasel1966

Thanks hypo. Yeah I was all proud of myself. It still escapes me the motivator or what I allowed my AV to do that I did not see. I will certainly keep at it. I am doing a lot better than ever and nothing will set me back. After a period of not drinking this reminded me of the ugliness of it all.

Inpatient detox is for people with who need medical care. I had been sober since 7/27. This was just three shots. I don't need that level of care.

I had gone to rehab in the past. But again that's not where I need to be at this time. Thanks for the suggestions and support!

Ken

hypochondriac

I just meant so that you had the space and time to work on your sobriety...

I have barely managed to function these last 5 months. I have had to cut practically everything out of my life just to get some head space. It's not just withdrawals we have to worry about. If I can get to and from work and be productive then that is great but the rest of my time is spent trying to learn to look after myself.

But then that's me. What do you think would help you? x

Weasel1966

I am happy that you have taken the time to focus on you. I have read a lot of your posts and happy to see you progress. Even if it may not feel like it for you I think I see that you have.

For me? I think what I am doing is working better than any other ways I have tried. I read and study my AVRT. I come here. I changed a bunch of routines. I plan things at times I know will present challenges. I have intentionally done things at odd times to remind myself I am still living. And I keep adding to this list.

Sunday's are my absolute hardest day to get through. If I want to be extremely optimistic I can even say at least it was only three shots. But drinking is drinking and anything to minimize that is nothing but Av talking.

I feel bad about this but that's not a productive emotion to have right now. I am at work and will focus on my tasks. Interact with people and try to not feel shame.

That's all we can do right?

Huey

Jeeze ! Why do you go to parties and get yourself anywhere near alcohol if you want to stay sober ? I'm not a member of AA, but those guys gave me one very very good piece of advice that i've never forgotten. . STAY AWAY FROM POTENTIAL DRINKING SITUATIONS & 'WET PLACES' in your early days. . . "If you keep visiting the Barbers, eventually you'll get a haircut" It's pretty basic stuff.

Weasel1966

Maybe you mised that in the post but I did not drink at the party.

hypochondriac

Thanks

Even though it was only 3 shots I'm sure it was still very emotionally tiring x

So why is Sunday so tough? I think knowing that is half the battle. I still have occasions I know I will have to grit my teeth through to be honest.

And absolutely you shouldn't feel bad! You are still headed in the right direction x

Weasel1966

Why are Sundays tough? I asked that a lot. I can list a bunch of things to support the fact but nothing matters really. What matters is that I change those patterns on that day.

Listen closer to my AV and reach out if things get tough. The day after post does little to further my cause.

soulgypsy

Did you go out for those 3 shots or did you have a bottle at home? Just askin' cause if you know that Sunday's are a trigger for you, you've gotta make sure you don't have any sitting around!

Weasel1966

My partner and I are both stopping together. We kind of fed off each other and decided to get a small bottle. One that had only three shots each. That was done and nothing else in the house. The is never any on the house.

That's no excuse but the combined craving guess we're a lot and both of us did this together. It's not as easy when there is two but that's no excuse. We do our own work at this. We do not try to do it for each other.

gincognito

Stopping with your partner could be something to be grateful for. I lost my longtime relationship when I relapsed in a benzo and bourbon black hole.

Three shots and not going out for more sounds like a pretty minor slip in the big picture. I certainly would have been in the car to the packie as soon as numero tres was done.

soulgypsy

Glad you aren't keeping it in the house. Keep plugging through this thing--you can stop and stay stopped if you keep at it. Glad you recognize that you and your partner's addictions fed off each other. Hopefully next time cravings strike one of you will be strong and the other can feed off that strength.

Peace and joy today as you start day 16834!

Weasel1966

It was later at night and I had work and a big meeting today. In about a half hour. So I had that in my head. I wanted to drink but I did not want to loose it all. Not sure that makes sense.

And yes... It is good. We are both on the same page and trying hard for ourselves. It's been a long time together and we want to grow old with each other if we survive this.

Sorry to hear about you loss G. Hope your doing better. I know the last few weeks have been rough for you.

lilyrosemary

every time i get a passing fancy about how great it would be to have a few beers, i think about how it will feel good for about 2 hours, then unless i keep drinking, the buzz will wear off, i will get tired, prob go to bed, then wake up with the horrendous remorse you are talking about, then i think about how its so not worth it. so far that has worked for me. your sadness comes through loud and clear. its good, though, to see you post. i care about you, and pray you can get free!

hypochondriac

I didn't realise your partner was quitting with you... I've been there before and I have done that whole feeding off each others addictions thing. Did you read the bit in RR about peoples collective beasts being like a pack of dogs. That made me laugh because there are so many instances where I can apply that to my own interaction with other people! Has your partner been using AVRT too? x

Huey

I didn't miss that, it's just that often the association and atmosphere of a drinking situation are enough to throw you 'off balance' and make you vulnerable. Obviously 'each to their own' but I personally don't go anywhere near bars, parties, or alcohol. I'm 166 days sober today, and not taking a single risk that may even possibly compromise my recovery until i've got some serious time in.

NoFireWater

I suppose it's a simple case of two AV's being stronger than the two of you. I'm glad you made it through the party which was the real landmine. Your AV probably convinced you that you needed a reward for making it through, and that just a little wouldn't affect work today, and at least you weren't out to get really hammered, and...it was very persuasive.

I struggle with the day one all over again thing. Part of me likes to count the days and see an impressive number (the perfectionist part) but the other part says it creates more shame and self loathing when you slip and have to start from square one, rather than looking at big picture and saying Drinks-1 day
No Drinks 31 days. Yet that kind of thinking allows your AV to get stronger.
It's a dilemma.

Zee

I dunno Weasie. I have days when I really 'fancy' alcohol. If I didn't have this pesky liver disease I may be relapsing every day! I just have to treat alcohol the same way as toilet cleaner, which, btw I would not drink! It is poisoning us, just some people quicker than others. I tell you what, this time last year I was knocking at deaths door and it was nobody's fault but mine and I was still in denial, can you believe that! If anyone struggling emotionally with alcohol could have transported into my body a year ago and felt how $hit I felt, they would stop. Seriously, its just poison. I think Hypochondriac was right, inpatient detox/rehab, just to sort your emotions in a different alcohol free environment. Can you afford to go off to a health farm for a couple of weeks? I doubt there will be any booze there :/