simplex

I posted an angry rant here about a week or so ago because I needed to express my fear for falling in the same trap of drinking.

2 days ago I quit my serving job in a drunken stupor. Under the guise that I was being mistreated by a new manager. Two hours later I was greeted by the paramedics in my apartment because I left a homemade pizza in the oven and I fell asleep. I was treated and released for smoke inhalation.

Today instead of going to look for a new job I drank the 2 tall boys in my fridge and continued to buy 3 more 6 packs and a pizza. I sliced my shoulder open 3 times with a knife to match my 6 year old scars.

I know this message probably isn't helping anything and I'm sorry for posting it here. I talked to my former sponsor yesterday who put me in my place.

I could have simplified this all by saying I'm ashamed and scared. I don't want to go back in rehab, and I don't want to admit I'm using again. The people I started on this journey with are either not around anymore or they're right their with me and don't listen.

If anything I'm trying to tell on myself in more ways than one. I'm sorry for being a hypocrite.

Dee74

Sometimes I think we run out of the luxury of being about to do what we want simplex.

I got to the point where I needed to do something, or lose everything.

I really hope you'll look for help.

D

IndaMiricale

Welcome back

And I started this journey back in March 2011, I am still here and will always listen.

Like Dee said sometimes were just out of options of what we want to do.

Just know your not alone.

simplex

When did you get to that point?

IndaMiricale

Well I was a person that drank and used drugs my whole life. From a teen to 39 when I first ever tried to quit. I drank all day and night , everyday and night for 20 years, except when I was in jail. The beginning of the end was in Jan. of 2011 when I was serving time for my last dui, and was detoxing so badly that I was hallucanting so badly that I was trying to kill myself by running head first into the cell wall. I had no idea.

2 1/2 days later I woke up in the Cleveland Clinic's ICU, and talking to my nurse for awhile. She told me about being there for a couple days and that I was diagnosed with Korsakoff syndrom or "wet brain". But with the grace of my HP my body took to the thaimine treatment and I am not in a state of demensia. But you would think that would do it, but we alcohol cunning,baffling ,and powerful.

After several more days in a regular room finishing detox I was released, that very night I was at the bar drinking my tall beers and blackhaus.

Finally I just couldnt take IT anymore. The losing jobs,cars,health, shaking apart everyday till I could get booze in me.

We all get here on our own road, but we share the same disease.

You can do it.

simplex

Thank you Inda. That means a lot. I tried to call my dad several times tonight who's been on this road since I was alive. They told me he had wet brain 15 years ago. He's 70 now, so I understand. The last time I got sober and went back to school he pushed me against the wall and said don't fool anyone again.

I didn't, I got all A's but he didnt hold up his end of the bargain. He's never done that. And it sounds really cliche but I want him to just go. I feel bad for saying that. But he's always told me I was nothing because I was his child.

I keep trying to prove that point but I keep living and I hate it.

Jeni26

Simplex. It sounds like you've had enough of your old life. Time to make changes, believe in yourself. Wishing you the best of luck.

DisplacedGRITS

Simplex, you can't change your past but you can change your future. You message is helping someone. A lot of someones. It helps me. It helps everyone who is going through similar situations. It's helping you wether you know it right now or not. I mean, you're getting responses, right? You've admitted your using again even though you didn't want to do that. There's a step forward. You want to stop. There's another one. Your here. Another step. You're making the effort now. Your will is starting to make itself known. You're starting to fight back because you're getting fed up with this. Enough is enough. Lay down and give up fighting your will. Perhaps you are approching your breaking point?

simplex

The best thing I ever learned in rehab was that I needed to tell on myself if I thought about using again. I had some "fiends" leave because of that. But it made a lot of sense to me. No offense but that's why I have a problem with a program.

My will is the only thing that's pulled me away from complete destruction three times. You said "your will is making itself known; then said "lay down and quit fighting your will."

And this is why I get myself into trouble. Is because I ask for help and then I'm unassailable.

simplex

The will is pretty exchangeable with the soul. We should get that clear.

DisplacedGRITS

Ok. Everyone's path is different. I'm just sharing what's worked for me.

2granddaughters

simplex, I suggest you Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and 'The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous". See if you can identify.

I was right where you are... and I surrendered to AA over 23 yrs ago.

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

Simplex, whatever program you want to follow, the bottom line is you need to stop drinking right now. Get rid of the alcohol you have and don't buy anymore today. Your Dad is on his own journey, as are your AA friends on their own journey. Know that you can do this and you are worth the hard work.

simplex

Thank you for the advice. I'm reaching out to the people that have my best interests at heart. I'll keep sticking around, hopefully posting more positive things in the future.

IndaMiricale

Glad you came back and reposted. Keep doing it no matter if its positive or not. Specially if your down.

Together we stay sober. Alone I will go back out.

simplex

Thank you so much. I messed up again last night. I went with my girlfriend to meet all of her friends and we all drank a lot. I didn't eat much and got blackout drunk around midnight. The things she told me I said to her really make me question myself and my character as a person.

When I get to that point where I don't remember I turn into someone else, she said I was acting like a bully, which I consider that to be the exact opposite of how I try and conduct myself. Thinking hard looking back at last night, I'm just ashamed. The things that I said just didn't make any sense were unfounded and hurtful. I think my sense of shame is kind of starting to seep out and maybe it's expressed and projected when I get that drunk. I can't even justify why I said it.. and I can't take it back.

I don't really know what else to say I guess I'm still afraid. Afraid of being a non drinker again and not being able to drink socially. All these warning signs and I keep doing the same thing. I feel strain on every personal relationship and the only self esteem I can gather is if I lie to myself in some way.

I also feel stuck in that I don't want to stress my relationships anymore by talking about my problems, which is all I can seem to do anymore. Hence this post I suppose. I've got to get a plan and not just talk about it. It's getting to the point where it's just difficult to live, I haven't been living. God I just want to let go and start making better decisions. It's like alcohol seeps in and all my flaws are multiplied after I hit a certain point.

Thanks again Inda and everyone else again for replying. I hope yall are well

Dee74

Talking about changes is great - but it means nothing if we never follow those changes through.

There's a multiplicity of approaches out there Simplex - pick one that appeals to you and work it... to the max?

what, really, have you got to lose?

D

Sapling

Here...Read this....See if you see yourself in there.

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous

2granddaughters

Kid, you got to make a decision or the booze will make it for you.

Did you read this above ...

simplex, I suggest you Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and 'The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous". See if you can identify.

I was right where you are... and I surrendered to AA over 23 yrs ago.

All the best.

Bob R


You going to keep fighting or surrender?

All the best.

Bob R

simplex

Thanks for those reading suggestions. I've read them before and have identified.

I tried A.A a couple of times and I was able to get a year and a couple months then a slip then 9 months after trying again. But you're right, it is gonna keep making decisions for me unless I let go. Actually I'm gonna pull out the book and re-read those readings. Can't hurt anything at all.