Hevyn

Hello simplex. My heart goes out to you - I remember how that struggle feels. I desperately tried to manage my drinking for many years - and in the end, every time I picked up it was dangerous and unpredictable. I never knew which 'me' I was going to turn into. Alcohol altered my personality and made me someone I didn't even recognize. I had to stop - I couldn't trust myself to handle it or to be safe, let alone not offend anyone.

You'll be so much better off when it's gone from your life. You can rebuild everything. Please keep posting and let us know how you are.

Pondlady

Simplex,
For me, I'd be more afraid of continued drinking and it's effects, as opposed to being a non drinker and not being able to drink socially. Has sobriety ever caused you to say or do, things that are hurtful and unfounded to loved ones? Or caused you to blackout?

Decide to not drink - get what ever help you need. Sober, you'll have no reason to feel ashamed of things you've said that you can't remember.

silly

I like what pondlady has to say.

Sober, you'll never wake up in the morning and say "I really should have drank last night"
As a drunk you probably wake up almost every day and say "I really shouldn't have drank last night"

ru12

It sure doesn't sound like drinking adds much positive to your life at this point. If you black out and act a bully to your girlfriend it may be just a matter of time until you physically hurt her or someone else.

If AA isn't your thing try Rational Recovery and AVRT, or SMART Recovery. Try posting here when you feel like using. Life really isn't boring or dull sober. It is just life and you get to experience it without the fog of booze. But whatever you do, stop drinking. It only gets worse.

427

Hey, Simplex, please don't cut on yourself, man. You're hurting yourself in several ways and you don't have to do that! You obviously are a caring person or you wouldn't feel bad about how you treat people when you drink. Maybe you're "acting out" what your father instilled.... That's HIS issue - it doesn't have to be YOURS.

Lots of ways to conquer this. You just have to explore your own path. We can all walk beside you, but you have to chose the direction. A whole lot of wisdom and love here -- use it, please?

simplex

Thank you I didn't cut on myself that time. But I drank again heavily last night. I'm so sick and tired of all of this. Sick of saying it and not doing anything about it. I'm going to a ten o'clock meeting tonight sober and I'm going to pick up my white chip. I'm going to try and be humble and just listen. My stuff hasn't been working and I can't deny it anymore. I plan to post afterwards to be accountable to myself. I've said this before but I can't go on just not trying I really can't.

Fernaceman

That's awesome Simplex. Good things tend to happen when we put our faith in some big other than our own devices. As I type this I am sitting at my local AA club waiting for the 8:00 mtg to start. Might be a slim crowd, just me and an old timer with bout 20 years so far, lol.

simplex

That sounds wonderful. I'm just happy I have the opportunity to do something positive for myself and not be behind bars or dead. Trying to stave off some really bad anxiety at the moment. Think i'll just head up there soon.

awuh1

I don't know if this will help you but what helped me was to go back over the times I went out and to determine what the actual ‘cause’ was. Many of those times it was due to symptoms of physical withdrawal. Then there was the “I can handle it now” thinking. Worst of all was the “ F*UK IT” thinking where I did not care about anything or anyone. It helped me to come up with strategies to deal with these different problems, before I encountered them yet again. It’s bad enough to be blindsided by a new dilemma but it’s worse to make the same mistake over and over again. I hope it goes better for you this time.

Fernaceman

Ohhhhh how I have become familiar with the F-it attitude...for me that might be the trickiest one of them all.