desertsong

So I'm reaching out to my SR family.

Tonight I received confirmation that my alcoholic husband has been cheating on me. Not a big surprise ... I thought he was before I went into rehab on Sept. 7th. I confronted him about it tonight and his response was less than expected... typical alky denial response, which didn't surprise me ... but I had no idea how much it would mess with my head. He had cheated on me 3 years ago but I forgave him ... but we are both alcoholics and I went through rehab from Sept. 7-Oct. 1 and am getting my sh*t together. I cut him out of my life and set boundaries, telling him that he can't be part of my life unless he's sober ...

He's been texting me daily telling me how much his life sucks without me ... then I find out he's been boning a waitress at his favorite bar.

WTF ...

I knew he was cheating before I went into rehab. I know he is not reliable. I know he is a drunk who doesn't want to get sober. I know I can only take care of me.

So why am I so discombobulated right now? Is that a word?

I know I don't need him and his sickness right now. I know he is beyond my reach. I know only God can save him from where he is right now. I get that. But I am wilting. Someone tell me how to save myself right now.

duane1

What exactly is keeping you with him? Children? Financial support? Sorry as a guy my advice might be a little lacking. I just often wonder why women would stay with men like this? Sounds like you would be better off without him. It also doesn't seem like a road to lifetime sobriety if you continue this way.

DisplacedGRITS

i think now is a good time to reach out to your community like you're doing now. maybe do some step work if that's your thing or do some reading. disengage from him and the insanity he's trying to pull you into. when you feel more grounded, start making your plans on how you're going to deal with him and the situation. but for now, don't bite off more than you can chew. take time to process and feel and don't try to do too much at once.

sugarbear1

Change is not one of our favorite things. Focus on helping another suffering alcoholic. Feel your feelings then let them go. Stay stopped, you are doing well and healing.

With great big hugs and a lot of love and empathy,

LoveMeNow

Save yourself!! Let go and let God!!

Congratulations on your sobriety!

quitforme79

I think it's totally normal for you to feel discombobulated (which yes, I believe is a word lol). Even though he's done crappy things, he is still your husband and it's betrayal which hurts. I think you are doing great---still sober and reaching out. All you can do right now is focus on yourself. Be selfless. ((hugs))

MythOfSisyphus

It's normal to have the floor pulled out from under you when you find your SO is cheating. You need to take care of you. I know it's easy to say but hard to do but I'll say it nonetheless- consider whether he's worth the hassle. Only you can decide, but he has two huge strikes already: 1) he's cheating and has also cheated in the past and 2) he doesn't want to get sober. Can you imagine a life with him long term if you're sober and he's a drunk? Do you have the strength and means to preserve your sobriety while living with a drunk? And if you answer no to that last one, is it worth losing your sobriety to maintain your relationship with a two-time cheater?

I feel for you, you're in tough spot. We're here if you need to talk!

Jeni26

DS, I have followed your story from the beginning and I identify with you in so many ways. You were a great support to me when I first started my journey, when I too struggled with an alcoholic partner and tried to quit against the odds. You were there for me when I failed initially. You helped me back up and it's thanks to you I'm now feeling strong and am nearing my 5 month mark.
I can feel your sense of hurt and betrayal. It isn't easy to switch that off. You have made great strides in the face of adversity. He has repeatedly let you down and you are going forward nonetheless.
You deserve to be sober. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. He is lost to this disease at the moment. All you can do is re-double your efforts and concentrate on you. Read back through your posts that you wrote when you had months of sobriety under your belt. You were strong and focused. It can and will be like that again. Get all the support you need from your friends in AA, and your friends here. You have a lot of good people rooting for you.
Let go of him. Focus on yourself.
You are worth it, your children need you.
I'm sending my prayers and good wishes your way.
This is about you now xxx

OklaBH

I'm glad you are reaching out. He is a cake eater. You deserve so much more. I didn't know you went to rehab--besides your husband how are things post-rehab?

Dee74

Love is not always logical - the world is full of people who love others who are not good for them...I was one of them.

My relationships were like my relationship with alcohol - doomed, self destructive and ones I did not want to let go of, in spite of logic.

It's natural to feel discombobulated, especially in the face of major upheaval or changes...but don't lose your focus.

Have some faith DS...you're on the right road...and things will work out...they may not be anything like we expected but they will work out...I guarantee it

stay strong
D

hypochondriac

Some men, do not see cheating as an emotional indiscretion. It's just a physical thing, which could explain why he's still texting you all the time. Or maybe the waitress won't look after him...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this DS. I know how horrible it must feel. I'd be inclined to feel sorry for him though. He is the one is lost. You are doing all the stuff you need to do to get back on track. You can't save him too. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself right now. I would try to keep those boundaries up as much as possible, maybe increase them...

Massive hugs, I hope you are okay xxx

Pondlady

DS,
I'm sorry you are hurting. Stay strong, stay sober and be good to yourself.

Purplecatlover

I don't have anything to add, other than I'm praying for you.
Good advice & kind words here.

SnowDaisy

I hope you have the strength to leave. My ex was cheating from the start - and I would beg him not to leave me for one of his mistresses. There is nothing that will bring your self esteem down faster. You deserve someone that would never do anything to hurt you. Good luck.

Itchy

Sorry you are having such a tough time letting go. You forgave him, and now set boundaries for him to be in your life. Telling he can be part of your life if he lives within the boundaries you set. You had expectations that he would respond differently. It sounds like you didn't cut him out of your life, just laid down some terms.

I can tell you that you don't need saving from anything but yourself right now. You have to either cut him out of your life and grieve over it, or continue hoping he will do what you lay out and fail again. If he cleaned up his act and you both decided that bygones are that, and you forgave him again that would not be earth shattering, happens all the time, for better or worse. But you have to make some hard emotional decisions in your head about your marriage.

I can't save you, you can't save him, and he can't save himself as long as he is drinking. But I will sit up with you and hold your hand virtually in support.

I have an AW too and were it not for Alanon and Ann and a few others here who help me help me, instead of trying to control them, I would be at my wit's end. My AW is in voluntary counseling one on one and I am in Alanon dealing with the one hardest to deal with, the man in the mirror. If I take care from myself, we might stay together happier than ever, or satisfied, or go our separate ways.

FreeFall

DesertSong, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Discombobulated would be putting it mildly I imagine. Throw in angry, disappointed, sad, and every other negative emotion and that might sum it up.

I was engaged once to someone that everyone but me could see was a terrible choice. At one point my dad said "It's okay to change your mind" and it made all the difference. Walking away was the best thing I could have done. You can change your mind about continuing to let this guy bring you down, even if he is your husband.

Maybe you could try a separation for the time being to get some distance and perspective on it all. You're trying so hard to get your life together, and he's not in a place where he wants to recover or values the marriage. It could change in the future, you never know. It's sad to realize that you may not be able to save yourself and the marriage at the same time, but that may be the reality you're facing. Sometimes life is so unfair...

Elisabeth888

Hi Desert! :ghug3

Run, don't walk to a meeting. I am so sorry you are going through this. You need to be kind to yourself and gather all the support you possibly can.

We are here for you!

Delilah1

You need to continue taking care of you. Seems like you have helped several others through your posts, I hope you can find that support through SR tonight, and that you have a few close friends or family that you can lean on.

Sorry that you are dealing with all of this.