MyTimeNow

Thank you DG for your reply, it makes complete sense. The first thing I thought of was - I want a drink! Luckily it's late here, so that was out of the question.

It's so difficult with so many new things coming to light. They were always there, but buried. It's been one of my worst fears addressing this. Time to stop running, I need to rebuild my relationship with my son whatever it takes.

I feel emotionally exhausted so I'm going to get to bed. I'm beginning to appreciate the 'real' work involved in being sober. It's not about just not drinking.

I HAVE to turn this around now. The last thing I want ever, is for my kids to hurt.

Sentso

That's something I can easily relate to right now. As for the rest, I won't be of any help I fear, because I haven't been there (yet?) but I wish you the best, and like Dee, I'm sure you can do it, you sound like a very good and strong person, and although we have completely different experiences, I can always feel you in your posts.
Good night MTN, I hope you'll sleep well!

Hevyn

Hi MTN - I'm late to the party, but want to say I'm proud of you for posting about this instead of letting it turn into another binge. I hope being able to discuss it here has helped relieve some of the anxiety. Things will get better as you go along - promise.

justhadenough

I'm so sorry you had a difficult evening.As others have said though,at least you are able to deal with yours and your son's emotions sober.I don't really have any advice sorry as haven't got to the teenage years yet(although my adult stepchildren can be challenging!)
I hope things are better and calmer for you and your family this morning.Thinking of you and sending you hugs.x

Dee74

I hope it's a better day for you too MTN

D

MyTimeNow

Ahhhhh child free for 5 whole hours... (I sound awful don't I?!)

I'll have a chat with DS later about things I just want him to enjoy his time out too today.

Sentso, you'll get there haha good luck! It's funny as although we do have completely different experiences I feel I can relate to yours (although as the opposite) as the ex was a musician, often away a lot on tour, living the party lifestyle, he just didn't want to change things like you do though, and didn't want to compromise between that life and family life so... he's still doing it. Oh well!

Thanks Heyvn, yes it definitely feels better to be getting things out, I feel easier about rambling away on my own thread too, people can choose if they want to wade through it all or not, I'll just keep getting it all out there

Thank you jhe Gosh adult step children does sound like it could be a challenge at times, I should be grateful for what I've got really. As much as I feel like I'm moaning 99% of the time DS is a great lad, it's DD becoming a teen that I should be worrying about haha a few years left until that one thank goodness.

And thank you Dee, I'm sure it will be

Right I'm off for a soak in the bath and then I'll be powering up my kindle for some reading in the sunshine. What a tough day ahead eh? Hopefully it will stay that way and there won't be any more stressed out rantings from me!

Have a lovely day everybody!

Change4good

MTN, I believe we are kindred spirits. Minimally, we have the same circumstances right now. I follow your threads and posts, silently nodding in agreement and sometimes laughing out loud.

Just wanted to say I am glad you are out there. And always wishing you the best.

MyTimeNow

Ah this really made me smile. Thank you. I reckon anybody that can relate to me going out to treat myself to some new clothes and coming home with a toilet seat has got to be a kindred spirit

Haha oh dear, still chuckling about that one.

Hope you are feeling a lot better now, glad to have you back, stick around and we'll get through this together!

Sasha4

I used a drink a shot of Morinov and a diet coke in my pre-baby days!
How can Mozzers seriously call their own brand vodka that!!!!

Having your life revolve around Morrisons is no bad thing - it could be Aldi or Lidel!

I feel for you with the tiredness, the school holidays and lack of time for yourself. My daughter is 2 and will not sleep until 10pm and gets up at 6am. I go to work for a rest!!!!

We are milkshakers too!
My daughter loves Angelina Ballerina but I just want to stamp on her.Mice that have tantrums do my head in!

However, I think Nanny Plum from Ben and Holly is a woman after my own heart. How does she put up with King Thistle?

You did good.

At least if you recognise your trigger is hot sunny days in the UK you will probably only drink twice a year!! Only kidding!

Take lots of care
xxxx

MyTimeNow

Haha Morinov! The branding department didn't work too hard there did they?! Although I suppose it makes more sense than Glens. I never did quite understand that one... Glens the famous Scottish vodka?

Ohhh Milkshake... the number of times I catch myself singing mamamamamimimi more milkshake during the day...I need to get back to work soon before find myself rocking in the corner reciting episodes of Peppa Pig.

Ouch 10-6. Thankfully it's only that bad occasionally for me when it gets to the point the only break is when I'm asleep, and even that's interrupted!

Hey ho, today has been a good day, nothing to report. Kids home, DD in bed. DS played out for a bit but back in, he seems happy enough and doesn't want to talk so we'll leave it at that.

I've got a new book to download and then that will be me toddling off to bed....

and yes! Looks like the sun triggers are now over for this year!

Hope you have a lovely evening

Sasha4

The thought of Glens makes me want to yack!!!

Today not been a good day for me but tomorrows another and I did not drink.
Glad your day was good.

Sleep well
xxxx

Rossy

I still have beer from last year but I have no desire to drink it,getting rid of it was the wisest idea.

MightyMung

I know the "what am i doing ?!" feeling all too well. I myself just flushed a lot of drugs down the toilet after realising I was wasting my backpacking trip in hotel rooms snorting strange street drugs. Excuse my French, but f*ck that for a game of soldiers! That's not what I want to be doing when i'm in Asia!

"What am I doing?!" has been the question running through my mind every day for the past two weeks. I realised today that what I was doing was putting off reality. Escaping from it. Even though reality is good. It made no sense.

Massive congrats for having the willpower to pour that stuff down the drain. I know exactly how you feel, having just done it myself. The inner monologue comes in; "oh, why did you flush that, what if you change your mind", "oh it won't hurt, just one more day then i'll quit" and "but you spent good money on that!" I'll probably end up going back to it all and i'm sick of constantly saying "this is the last time", but I just wanted to reach out and say we should both be proud of ourselves, as we at least keep trying to change our ways.

Pouring those beers away has bought you a ticket to a free day tomorrow: no hangover, no guilt, no rationalisation. I hope you enjoy your guilt free day of progress, I know I sure will.

Best of luck to you pal, i'm proud of you,
(By the way my name's Jake, from Devon, UK (posting from Laos))

MyTimeNow

Sorry you'd not had a good day Sasha, good on you for not drinking, hope today is a better one for you!

Cheers Rossy, how come you still have beer from last year? I don't think I'd have that kind of will power.

Wow, well done to you too Jake, you're right you definitely don't want to be missing out on a lifetime experience by spending it wasted in hotel rooms, so all kudos to you and you too will have a free day today!

Years ago my brother spent 2 years travelling through Asia and Australia, he was so thin when he came home. My mum was - Wow! Must be all that healthy Thai food! Haha yeah right mum, you keep kidding yourself

I've found myself with another unexpected child free day today, not entirely sure what to do with myself but I fear it will involve a lawnmower and some shears... Whoop. Not. Haha I'm just never happy! There's no pleasing misery guts MTN

Rossy

Never really got around to dumping it.

MyTimeNow

Just posted this in my class thread, I feel completely defeated but I figure if I get it out there what's the worst that could happen? I don't want to be going down the road I'm currently travelling. I also don't need to hear patronising statements such as you have 2 happy healthy children, you are so lucky, do it for them. I've given up my entire life for them, they have everything it's me that has nothing. Selfish? Yes. But I am still a person in my own right (somewhere) just so desperately unhappy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hope you find a way to turn things round MTN...even if you can't get to a gym you could go for a walk...buy some little hand weights, maybe even an exercise bike - mine was very cheap here

D
I've been thinking about how to reply to this, as this morning my instant response would have been negative, negative, negative.

Not a lot has changed. Yes I would love nothing more than to walk out the door and walk my frustrations off 1-2 hours. I can't though. Oh I could walk with my DD.. to the park, to the shops, to the wherever to wherever fits in and suits her.

I'm not so hung up on the exercise thing, it's space I need and space I am getting none of. Head space. Thinking space. Mind space. The weekend just gone was a rarity. There is nothing for me. Joining the gym would have been something for me, as DD could have gone in the creche. Just something for me.

I'm exhausted, I have been crying in secret all day. I'm drinking now. So I give up.

I'm not going to post like this whilst all I see is negativity. I know I have to turn this around somehow, this is not just a me and the kids thing, it goes 100 fold deeper and sadder. I hate my life.

Is drinking going to make it better? Of course not, but I need to switch off tonight and I have nothing else. Sick of books, sick of tele, sick of these 4 walls...

I won't post anymore until my head is sorted. Never even reached 2 weeks. Ha. Take care all
__________________

gincognito

good job getting rid of it. can you imagine what a tool I felt like pouring a $50 bottle of scotch down the drain last week?

MyTimeNow

I don't think you are a tool, that's amazing. The sad thing is - I picked up again. All lost and confused, just re-read the post I wrote a few minutes ago, there's a lot of anger in there too. I'm really struggling to find my way at the moment.

However I am not going to post half cut. I need to take stock and evaluate. I just want one little thing for me and I've realised through being sober that the one thing I gave myself was a drink (and the rest) at the end of the day. I don't know how to fill that void. That said, headache setting in already, the one thing I could do for myself is not having a hangover in the morning.

I just want a bit of life though. I am so tied to this house. Very little chance of doing anything of an eve to de-stress.... it's all coming together in my mind... so to de-stress you have picked up the wine, thus ensuring feeling poo in the morning, thus adding more stress to your Saturday, thus feeling the need to de-stress again tomorrow.

Aaaargh. Vicious circle. I knew it and I fell for it. Again!

I said a hundred or so words ago I wasn't going to post half cut so I'll leave it at that. The pieces are falling into place. Too little too late. Doh. Prat.

gincognito

Yeah I know how it is, I've lost how many times I've done the same thing this year. This time though I felt so utterly licked (that sounds weird) for a change. I realized I've been doing so many things and going in so many directions at once. Just been going to as many meetings as possible since and it's been a huge help. Especially to admit publicly that I screwed up again and couldn't deal and needed help.

justhadenough

Hi MTN

I'm so sorry you feel so down. You've done the right thing to come on here though-we are here to help and support you.

I know frustrating it can be with little children-is it possible for your mum to help out maybe for an hour or 2? I can totally relate to staying in every night too.

Have you thought about seeing you GP? Maybe they could prescribe you some short term anti-depressants.

Please stay around here

hugs.JHE.x