Resentments
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
That whole 4th step journey is a very personal journey and it is tumultuous for many. Our resentments are our own, they may or may not be legit, or justified, heck often times they are not, or we had a huge part in it... That's the whole idea.
I can't imagine sharing my fourth step with my wife. To much there to get misunderstood, or feelings to get hurt, whatever.
I leave my wife out of it. We have enough to deal with between work, kids, everyday stressors, getting older, elderly parents... all that. Throwing my resentments into that would serve no purpose.
I hope that you continue on in this awesome journey and absorb this bump in the road. Do the 4th with a sponsor or trusted advisor.
I can't imagine sharing my fourth step with my wife. To much there to get misunderstood, or feelings to get hurt, whatever.
I leave my wife out of it. We have enough to deal with between work, kids, everyday stressors, getting older, elderly parents... all that. Throwing my resentments into that would serve no purpose.
I hope that you continue on in this awesome journey and absorb this bump in the road. Do the 4th with a sponsor or trusted advisor.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
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In my rage and hurt, I missed this part:
Here's the crux of the situation - so how do I do this??? "...work it out within yourself, forgive yourself, don't be confused with blame and guilt and projections, and then warmly, gently, forgive your husband, and move on with your happiness".
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot 
I think you are putting to much into being so subjective with your experiences with resentments both past and present. It's not about being personal when we release our resentments, even though it's such a personal thing, it helps to know that everybody creates resentments, so it's totally a normal life experience, and so you're just being "normal" (what ever that is, lol)
If you resent your husband, work it out within yourself, forgive yourself, don't be confused with blame and guilt and projections, and then warmly, gently, forgive your husband, and move on with your happiness.
Yeah, easier said then done, I know it, but there it is, nonetheless. To resolve our resentments, we must stop re-living them...
I hope this helps you relax and not worry so much...
If you resent your husband, work it out within yourself, forgive yourself, don't be confused with blame and guilt and projections, and then warmly, gently, forgive your husband, and move on with your happiness.
Yeah, easier said then done, I know it, but there it is, nonetheless. To resolve our resentments, we must stop re-living them...
I hope this helps you relax and not worry so much...
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Lost,
If the subject of divorce is being raised with any seriousness, by either of you, it might be time to seek professional help.
My husband, who is a clinical psychologist and who does a lot of marriage counseling, occasionally comes home from his evening appointments shaking his head. He will say, sometimes with tears in his eyes: "I just saw a couple who isn't going to make it...but I think I could have helped them if they had only seen me sooner."
The fact is that it is usually easier to fix a problem before it escalates and hardens into a pattern. You and your husband have--I KNOW--not always had this type of trouble.
Just my $.02.
If the subject of divorce is being raised with any seriousness, by either of you, it might be time to seek professional help.
My husband, who is a clinical psychologist and who does a lot of marriage counseling, occasionally comes home from his evening appointments shaking his head. He will say, sometimes with tears in his eyes: "I just saw a couple who isn't going to make it...but I think I could have helped them if they had only seen me sooner."
The fact is that it is usually easier to fix a problem before it escalates and hardens into a pattern. You and your husband have--I KNOW--not always had this type of trouble.
Just my $.02.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Criss003
I havent started any step work yet but still in outpatient 5 days aweek and only get to meeting on the weekends. However has anyone had depression from the decisions you made during your addicition.... I got married and thought i had the woman of my dreams but now I can't even stand being around her....to make things worse she pregnant she was a user before she was pregnant but quit and now im afraid that since she hasnt went through what i did she will use again when my son is born, anyone had something remotly similiar happen??
The best way to have more responses is to begin a thread of your own, and introducing yourself a bit more. Sorry for your troubles, and I hope you do start a new thread.
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Hmmm, so perhaps once he said yes, I said it in anger, I'd never leave you, I'm stressed, is the point at which I could have let it go, not rehash my hurt. This must be my part in it. Not the specific situation at hand, but my unwillingness to take what he said and forgive it and move on.
OMGosh this is awfully hard. I'm not loving the 4th step at all. Can't I just skip over this one, work on other stuff, let this lie under the rug where it's been neatly tucked?? Or more like crammed? The stuff under the rug is now seeping out and I'm unable to cram it back under it seems.
There is plenty appreciation I could extend to my husband. I've been so mad and hurt in the past few days I've been unable to look past it, get past it, in order to do just that.
OMGosh this is awfully hard. I'm not loving the 4th step at all. Can't I just skip over this one, work on other stuff, let this lie under the rug where it's been neatly tucked?? Or more like crammed? The stuff under the rug is now seeping out and I'm unable to cram it back under it seems.
There is plenty appreciation I could extend to my husband. I've been so mad and hurt in the past few days I've been unable to look past it, get past it, in order to do just that.
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
Yes! well done, Lost. Never mind about each respective instance -- seek the moral answer and you'll always be doing right with releasing the resentments.
Calling him and asking him what you asked was way cool, and very loving. It gave him a chance to see you're open to forgiveness. What was not so cool, and kinda hurtful for him, was you re-stating your hurt. That was not the best time to do so, is all.
Don't sweat it, Lost. You're gradually accomplishing your 4th. This is way awesome, and its totally understandable you're having difficulty, okay?
Have some time to enjoy your progress. Perhaps tell your husband how you want to believe he does notice your changes, and it would be way appreciated if he could share what he notices. It does no harm to let people we love know we need them to appreciate our successes!
On the same idea, is there appreciation you can extend to your husband on what he has, and is accomplishing, too? I'm sure there is....
Awesome working thru this, Lost.
Never mind about each respective instance -- seek the moral answer and you'll always be doing right with releasing the resentments.Calling him and asking him what you asked was way cool, and very loving. It gave him a chance to see you're open to forgiveness. What was not so cool, and kinda hurtful for him, was you re-stating your hurt. That was not the best time to do so, is all.
Don't sweat it, Lost. You're gradually accomplishing your 4th. This is way awesome, and its totally understandable you're having difficulty, okay?
Have some time to enjoy your progress. Perhaps tell your husband how you want to believe he does notice your changes, and it would be way appreciated if he could share what he notices. It does no harm to let people we love know we need them to appreciate our successes!
On the same idea, is there appreciation you can extend to your husband on what he has, and is accomplishing, too? I'm sure there is....
Awesome working thru this, Lost.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
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Well, I realize all this a little late! LOL. I share just about everything with my husband. And he does the same. We just are very close and talk a lot to each other about what's going on. Part of why our relationship suffered so much during my alcoholism is because I pulled away from that - so that I could drink.
I wasn't really trying to "do" the 4th with him. He asked me about how my mtg w/my sponsor went, I told him a little about the step and what it entailed. He laughed and said, bet I'm on top! I told him actually no, it was our niece. I really didn't think this would cause an argument. It really involved the legitimacy of it. I mistakenly tried to compare my issue with his resentment towards his boss. And the rest is history.
I realize my mistake now. I'll continue working on this with my sponsor.
I wasn't really trying to "do" the 4th with him. He asked me about how my mtg w/my sponsor went, I told him a little about the step and what it entailed. He laughed and said, bet I'm on top! I told him actually no, it was our niece. I really didn't think this would cause an argument. It really involved the legitimacy of it. I mistakenly tried to compare my issue with his resentment towards his boss. And the rest is history.
I realize my mistake now. I'll continue working on this with my sponsor.
Originally Posted by Mark75
That whole 4th step journey is a very personal journey and it is tumultuous for many. Our resentments are our own, they may or may not be legit, or justified, heck often times they are not, or we had a huge part in it... That's the whole idea.
I can't imagine sharing my fourth step with my wife. To much there to get misunderstood, or feelings to get hurt, whatever.
I leave my wife out of it. We have enough to deal with between work, kids, everyday stressors, getting older, elderly parents... all that. Throwing my resentments into that would serve no purpose.
I hope that you continue on in this awesome journey and absorb this bump in the road. Do the 4th with a sponsor or trusted advisor.
I can't imagine sharing my fourth step with my wife. To much there to get misunderstood, or feelings to get hurt, whatever.
I leave my wife out of it. We have enough to deal with between work, kids, everyday stressors, getting older, elderly parents... all that. Throwing my resentments into that would serve no purpose.
I hope that you continue on in this awesome journey and absorb this bump in the road. Do the 4th with a sponsor or trusted advisor.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Lost3000
Here's the crux of the situation - so how do I do this??? "...work it out within yourself, forgive yourself, don't be confused with blame and guilt and projections, and then warmly, gently, forgive your husband, and move on with your happiness".
Moving on with your happiness means not allowing for conditions to be put on your having happiness. In marriage, it is really important that each person is happy with themselves, and share that richness with each other. Marriage is no substitute for happiness, and marriage cannot create any true happiness that is lasting either. Happiness can totally help create a happy marriage, but of course, not the other way around...
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Originally Posted by Lost3000
LOL, thanks. I'm not going out, no freaking way. No way am I giving up, or tossing the last 7 months for a bit of hardship. I know this will pass like everything else. It's just that right now it's awful.
I'm trying to take personal inventory. This is how my sponsor and I are working it. We make up four columns, filled with the who, why, how it made me feel/affected me, and my part in it. I'm really stuck on my part in it.
I'm trying to take personal inventory. This is how my sponsor and I are working it. We make up four columns, filled with the who, why, how it made me feel/affected me, and my part in it. I'm really stuck on my part in it.
I too struggled with my part in things, and a lot of them I put a question mark and left them blank, we discussed them when I did my 5th step and then I filled them in after we both talked about it and decided what my part was/may have been.
Don't beat yourself up. It's not easy. (and trust me you will feel 100lbs lighter when you do step 5!)
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Hi OTT, so glad to hear from you. Wish we wrote more but I know you have stuff going on. So glad to hear your thoughts.
Well, the subject of divorce (actually the D word wasn't said) was said by my husband during a fit of rage, which he admits to.
I thought like you, maybe we should see someone. We did see someone years ago, and it helped a lot, but I was boozing and I now see that was a major issue that I should have looked at much harder. It was his idea to see someone back then and of course it was me who was reluctant to see a "quack". But it really saved ud.
I asked him about seeing someone. He said, you know, I think these last two weeks (his finals) are really making me crazy and I think in 2 weeks we'll be right back to normal. So I've decided to revisit the issue should it resurface.
And to your husband: He might not get this, but finding a good therapist is like finding a needle in a haystack. There are thousands out there, but only a few really good ones, who really know what they are doing. I've had my fair share of trying to find them and it's rough. If things don't clear up though, I'll do what I say and revisit the topic. Your husband is right, it's better to work on things now rather than later. I don't believe it's ever too late if both want to fix things.
Well, the subject of divorce (actually the D word wasn't said) was said by my husband during a fit of rage, which he admits to.
I thought like you, maybe we should see someone. We did see someone years ago, and it helped a lot, but I was boozing and I now see that was a major issue that I should have looked at much harder. It was his idea to see someone back then and of course it was me who was reluctant to see a "quack". But it really saved ud.
I asked him about seeing someone. He said, you know, I think these last two weeks (his finals) are really making me crazy and I think in 2 weeks we'll be right back to normal. So I've decided to revisit the issue should it resurface.
And to your husband: He might not get this, but finding a good therapist is like finding a needle in a haystack. There are thousands out there, but only a few really good ones, who really know what they are doing. I've had my fair share of trying to find them and it's rough. If things don't clear up though, I'll do what I say and revisit the topic. Your husband is right, it's better to work on things now rather than later. I don't believe it's ever too late if both want to fix things.
Originally Posted by onlythetruth
Lost,
If the subject of divorce is being raised with any seriousness, by either of you, it might be time to seek professional help.
My husband, who is a clinical psychologist and who does a lot of marriage counseling, occasionally comes home from his evening appointments shaking his head. He will say, sometimes with tears in his eyes: "I just saw a couple who isn't going to make it...but I think I could have helped them if they had only seen me sooner."
The fact is that it is usually easier to fix a problem before it escalates and hardens into a pattern. You and your husband have--I KNOW--not always had this type of trouble.
Just my $.02.
If the subject of divorce is being raised with any seriousness, by either of you, it might be time to seek professional help.
My husband, who is a clinical psychologist and who does a lot of marriage counseling, occasionally comes home from his evening appointments shaking his head. He will say, sometimes with tears in his eyes: "I just saw a couple who isn't going to make it...but I think I could have helped them if they had only seen me sooner."
The fact is that it is usually easier to fix a problem before it escalates and hardens into a pattern. You and your husband have--I KNOW--not always had this type of trouble.
Just my $.02.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
You keep working thru your 4th. As you continue your work, your moral inventory will not only be about your marriage, of course. As you begin to see how resentments for anything can spoil anything else, even if they are unrelated, you'll start to understand just how destructive resentments can be for an alcoholic.
Moving on with your happiness means not allowing for conditions to be put on your having happiness. In marriage, it is really important that each person is happy with themselves, and share that richness with each other. Marriage is no substitute for happiness, and marriage cannot create any true happiness that is lasting either. Happiness can totally help create a happy marriage, but of course, not the other way around...
Moving on with your happiness means not allowing for conditions to be put on your having happiness. In marriage, it is really important that each person is happy with themselves, and share that richness with each other. Marriage is no substitute for happiness, and marriage cannot create any true happiness that is lasting either. Happiness can totally help create a happy marriage, but of course, not the other way around...
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by soberjim
Hi Lost... Don't have much to add except you are getting lots of good advice. Keep strong! You will get through this. You've accomplished alot in 7 months. I know you will accomplish more.
Jim
Jim
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
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Originally Posted by Lost3000
Well, funny, because the first resentment I thought about was my niece! Not my husband. I have a feeling this step is going to take awhile.
It's like a puzzle in some ways, except this particular puzzle has too many pieces... and throwing the uneeded and unwanted ones away is the correct method going forward.
Choose wisely.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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Well, Lost, you are right about that. It really is difficult to find good therapists. There are some ways to tell, though, before you walk in the door. Any decent therapist should be willing to answer your questions and talk to you before you ever even set up an appointment.
But, be that as it may...it sounds as though you are working this out for the time being. This recovery stuff can be dicey and we change a lot...sometimes in ways that our loved ones like, and sometimes in ways that they don't.
Things in my life have been settling down, BTW. Life goes on.
But, be that as it may...it sounds as though you are working this out for the time being. This recovery stuff can be dicey and we change a lot...sometimes in ways that our loved ones like, and sometimes in ways that they don't.
Things in my life have been settling down, BTW. Life goes on.
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Originally Posted by Lost3000
What: He left yesterday morning with barely a goodbye, then the next day yelled and threatened divorce.
Why: Made me feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted.
Which part of me was affected: My self-esteem, I don't feel important enough to him, or valuable to him.
Where I am at fault: ???????????
Why: Made me feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted.
Which part of me was affected: My self-esteem, I don't feel important enough to him, or valuable to him.
Where I am at fault: ???????????
Originally Posted by Lost3000
I told him I felt like leaving the office, packing up my things and never looking back.
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Originally Posted by BadCompany
I'm gonna go with right about here;
I doubt if you threatening to leave him felt better than when he threatened to leave you.
I doubt if you threatening to leave him felt better than when he threatened to leave you.
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Originally Posted by onlythetruth
Well, Lost, you are right about that. It really is difficult to find good therapists. There are some ways to tell, though, before you walk in the door. Any decent therapist should be willing to answer your questions and talk to you before you ever even set up an appointment.
But, be that as it may...it sounds as though you are working this out for the time being. This recovery stuff can be dicey and we change a lot...sometimes in ways that our loved ones like, and sometimes in ways that they don't.
Things in my life have been settling down, BTW. Life goes on.
But, be that as it may...it sounds as though you are working this out for the time being. This recovery stuff can be dicey and we change a lot...sometimes in ways that our loved ones like, and sometimes in ways that they don't.
Things in my life have been settling down, BTW. Life goes on.
Recovery is dicey and uncomfortable at times.
Glad you are doing ok.
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UPDATE: I went to my mtg and put out the topic. I asked for advice on tackling the fourth step. What I got back was all kinds of thoughtful responses, from old timers and newcomers. I got hugs. I feel a lot better now and can tell that I owe my husband an apology. It doesn't mean he wasn't a jerk, but it means that I definitely need some work to do.
Thanks everyone for listening and writing in. I'm still a little stuck on the step but I'm going to put pen to paper and work on it tonight.
Thanks everyone for listening and writing in. I'm still a little stuck on the step but I'm going to put pen to paper and work on it tonight.
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
Resentments are, by definition, a re-living of hurtful/angry/hateful heartfelt emotional experiences. Resentments are not intellectual, they are purely emotional and "felt again" by not having closure, and then resolving to let them go...
So, its not really about what so and so did, or didn't do -- its all about our emotional experiences when whatever happened. Most resentments are not rational, and so little is to be gained by trying to "think them out."
Blaming someone, holding them as guilty, is not the same as resenting them. Actually, when we are being resentful, we are re-living our negative emotions, and projecting them onto others, or onto whatever. We feel the negativity first-hand, and others experience us as being negative, angry, hurtful, hateful, unreasonable, reactionary, irresponsible, childish, petty, etc etc -- what they don't experience is our first-hand knowledge of the resentment -- they can't. Resentments wholly belong to the person being resentful. Its not something that can be equally shared as an experience -- resentments are always such a lonely experience...
This is why resentments are so useless -- they are always from the past and being forced into our present moment -- with horrible results.
So, its not really about what so and so did, or didn't do -- its all about our emotional experiences when whatever happened. Most resentments are not rational, and so little is to be gained by trying to "think them out."
Blaming someone, holding them as guilty, is not the same as resenting them. Actually, when we are being resentful, we are re-living our negative emotions, and projecting them onto others, or onto whatever. We feel the negativity first-hand, and others experience us as being negative, angry, hurtful, hateful, unreasonable, reactionary, irresponsible, childish, petty, etc etc -- what they don't experience is our first-hand knowledge of the resentment -- they can't. Resentments wholly belong to the person being resentful. Its not something that can be equally shared as an experience -- resentments are always such a lonely experience...
This is why resentments are so useless -- they are always from the past and being forced into our present moment -- with horrible results.
I've never understood Resentment like this before. Big ol' lightbulb just lit up. Bolded sentence is mine. That's where I always got stuck.
SR rocks.
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Originally Posted by Lost3000
Talking makes me cry more, so no, I haven't called anyone just yet. I'm going to a mtg in 2 hrs. though. I called my husband back and asked, did you say that in anger? He said yes, I'd never leave you, I'm having a very stressful time and every time we talk it ends like this. I told him I didn't appreciate being bullied or called a little girl. I told him I felt like leaving the office, packing up my things and never looking back. He didn't have much to say to that. I really do feel like doing that.
I can't think about forgiveness right now, or the fact he said it in anger. I know I will eventually get over it. I'd rather get over it sooner rather than later but it's sooooo hard.
So I'm thinking about this resentment.
What: He left yesterday morning with barely a goodbye, then the next day yelled and threatened divorce.
Why: Made me feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted.
Which part of me was affected: My self-esteem, I don't feel important enough to him, or valuable to him.
Where I am at fault: ???????????
I can't think about forgiveness right now, or the fact he said it in anger. I know I will eventually get over it. I'd rather get over it sooner rather than later but it's sooooo hard.
So I'm thinking about this resentment.
What: He left yesterday morning with barely a goodbye, then the next day yelled and threatened divorce.
Why: Made me feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted.
Which part of me was affected: My self-esteem, I don't feel important enough to him, or valuable to him.
Where I am at fault: ???????????
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