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Old 07-26-2012, 10:03 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post
I'm not being an "emotional hypocrite" when feeling opposite of what I'm presenting.
Originally Posted by Lost3000
... do you mean acting loving when maybe you don't feel so much like it? Or smiling and hugging regardlesss when maybe you are still a little sad about the past few days? To allow for the relationship to get back on track - and I guess that behavior would then lead you to actually getting over it, back to the happy feeling you had just a few days before.
Yeah, I do mean very much what your describing, except, not so much "acting" but more like realising that being loving is also authentic, very real and true, even though its not the most "felt" at the time its being presented emotionally. So yeah, smiling and hugging because its all true too, just not felt as much, because other (distrurbing) things are being felt concurrently, nonetheless, the love and happiness is real and heartfelt, as presented.



I'm very pleased I'm helpful, Lost3000. Thanks.
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Old 07-26-2012, 10:14 AM
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Got it. Thanks for taking the time to explain your thoughts to me. I noticed we have quite a few views on this thread, and so I know I'm probably not the only one out there dealing with this.

I'm so glad I embarked upon this journey. Last Dec., I thought to myself, I gotta quit, I know that by quitting I'll be doing my health a favor. I don't want to die. But little did I know, that I'd find some real happiness.
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Old 07-26-2012, 10:17 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Hello Lost

I'm not in AA and I'm only newly sober but I'm finding much of this advice very helpful.the parts about showing love,forgiveness and happiness when not feeling it are very useful.

I hope you work through your steps and hope your relationship with your husband is now ok.
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Old 07-26-2012, 10:30 AM
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Hi justhadenough and thanks for your post!

I don't think it really matters whether you are in AA or not, except for this step is part of AA, for you to grasp these concepts and apply them to your life.

My relationship is back to a-ok as of today, and I suspect it'll keep going well - as long as I: 1) Don't drink and 2) keep working on myself.
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Old 07-26-2012, 10:38 AM
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[QUOTE=soberbrooke;3505428]My sponsor told me that I had to focus on his positives, instead of his negatives. I am on the fourth step moving onto the 5th step also.


i was tryin to get to a link to post a lil from a story in the BB, byut my computer is actin a lil weird

anyways, theres a story titled" doctor, alcoholic, addict" and in the 4th edition it is titled "acceptance is the answer." there is some very good readin in there about focusing on the qualities of others and how they grow when we do that.
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Old 07-26-2012, 10:43 AM
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Interesting tomsteve, I'll check my book for that story. You too were very helpful to me yesterday. I was really having a hard time!
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Old 07-26-2012, 10:45 AM
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By the way, it was the personal stories in the BB that made me realize I really was an alcoholic. Well, one part of my realization. Even though this book was written in the 30s, it's amazing how much of it applies to modern day. Honestly, I think anyone could benefit from doing these steps. Some more than others. The 4th for sure.

*Yesterday I went to a mtg and offered the topic. "The 4th step, I hate it". I had an entire room laughing at that. Then I had to get more specific. I received so many thoughts and advice, it was a great meeting.
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Old 07-26-2012, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Lost3000 View Post
By the way, it was the personal stories in the BB that made me realize I really was an alcoholic. Well, one part of my realization. Even though this book was written in the 30s, it's amazing how much of it applies to modern day. Honestly, I think anyone could benefit from doing these steps. Some more than others. The 4th for sure.

*Yesterday I went to a mtg and offered the topic. "The 4th step, I hate it". I had an entire room laughing at that. Then I had to get more specific. I received so many thoughts and advice, it was a great meeting.
I too love the personal stories. I related to almost every single one of them. (i read one a day)
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Old 07-26-2012, 03:04 PM
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Wow! Have you read the pamphlet on AA and the woman? I have one at home but haven't read it yet.
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Old 07-26-2012, 04:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Live2Run25 View Post
I can relate to you. I hold a lot of resentment for stuff that when I look back, I wonder why I'm still hanging on to it. My whole family is like that. Sometimes I'll get in an argument with my mom and she will bring up things that happened YEARS before. I didn't even remember it, so I think some of it could be learned behavior. Maybe you should work through the steps without getting your husband too invovled? He most likely won't understand, and theres no reason to fight over it.
I can realate to you alot my mother is the same way I just got into a argument with her she brought up something from 2 years ago. I think it is a learned behavior I dont want to keep negativity inside of me I dont think its healthy.
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Old 07-26-2012, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Lost3000 View Post
I told him I had resentments towards our niece, and he dismissed it saying that it wasn't legit. I told him I didn't see how it had to be legit, it just was. I tried to compare it to something his boss did to him (which he deems career murder) and he flipped out. We argued over that. UGH.
Sharing everything we do in AA with ppl not in AA doesn't usually work out too well. They don't get it, they don't really want to understand it, it sounds goofy to them, and they typically want to give you advice on how you should be doing something else instead.

We have this need though...a desire.....to share what we're doing with out mates. It takes some time and practice to learn what's safe and what's not. Unfortunately, most of the AA steps and principles are so contrary to how most ppl live their lives that sharing what you're doing will lead to more heated conversations than anything......so much of this stuff you'll have to keep to yourself (or among others in 12-step recovery) until you've changed enough that the outsiders WANT to know what you're doing. That's why they say "we deal in attraction rather than promotion."

Telling someone how great AA is usually doesn't work......showing them, by changing and becoming a different person.....usually that's compelling enough to get ppl asking. And when it's them asking "how'd you do that, how'd you change, why doesn't that bother you anymore???" - when you tell them how, they'll be a lot more receptive.
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Old 07-27-2012, 08:47 AM
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DT: Yeah, I totally get that, now. LOL. My husband asks me about where I am in the program, and usually we have heartfelt discussions about it. He enjoys hearing about it. I didn't go over the other 3 steps with him, just this one. This is actually the first time I discussed me going through a step. Usually we talk about how AA's helping me, the tenants (service, recovery, unity) - stuff like that. So I just wanted to clarify that I haven't shared everything I do in AA with my husband.

I do see your point though, and should have kept this one to myself. It's all a learning curve for me.

On a side note, I think my husband must be observant about how AA's helping me (he's not super vocal about it) -- he has a friend at work that's one of us, and is going down hard. Lately he's been asking my husband about me getting sober, how I did it, etc. I'm thinking my husband must have been telling him things about me too for his friend to ask. Anyway, I told my husband it was ok to let him know I'm in AA and that I'd be happy to talk to him, or go to a mtg with him.
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Old 07-27-2012, 07:00 PM
  # 73 (permalink)  
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GREAT stuff there Lost.......great stuff. ......and it's ALLLLLLWAYS a learning curve. Never gonna figure ALL of life out...so get used to it. LOL

Dont be shocked (just in case it happens to you like it did to me) if, for a while, he seems to be thinking how great you're doing and how quickly you're progressing...........but then........he starts to think you're no better than you were and nothing's "really" changed.

Other ppl's opinions of how I was doing in recovery really derailed me......more than a couple times.

Heck, even today......more than a handful of years into this deal.........the right (wrong?) words from my sponsor or from a spiritual mentor of mine can lead to my head spinning pretty darn hard for quite a while.

Wisdom to ignore it and/or let go of it comes with time and practice.....and by "practice" I mean: making a lot of mistakes and learning from them.
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Old 07-30-2012, 07:53 AM
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DT: We are already there. He's said to me a couple of times now, during one of our arguments, that I may have quit drinking, but I haven't changed any of my habits. I get what he's saying, that I still have the same problems, reactions, etc., I'm just not drinking. It's true.

But what drives me crazy is how I have changed!! When he says that I think, but, but, don't you see???? I think soooo much more clearly now, I'm thoughtful now, I'm not quite as selfish, I care more now, I'm not just into getting my drink on and screw everything else!! Before, during our arguments, I would've turned into this raging monster, screaming and yelling, threatening to off myself, leave, divorce, and acting f-ing nutso.

But he doesn't see..... agh!!!!!!!! And this is at the heart of my issue, resentment, frustration with my husband.
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Old 07-30-2012, 09:39 AM
  # 75 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lost3000 View Post
DT: We are already there. He's said to me a couple of times now, during one of our arguments, that I may have quit drinking, but I haven't changed any of my habits. I get what he's saying, that I still have the same problems, reactions, etc., I'm just not drinking. It's true.

But what drives me crazy is how I have changed!! When he says that I think, but, but, don't you see???? I think soooo much more clearly now, I'm thoughtful now, I'm not quite as selfish, I care more now, I'm not just into getting my drink on and screw everything else!! Before, during our arguments, I would've turned into this raging monster, screaming and yelling, threatening to off myself, leave, divorce, and acting f-ing nutso.

But he doesn't see..... agh!!!!!!!! And this is at the heart of my issue, resentment, frustration with my husband.
I doubt he is completely blind to your changes, imo, if he can see that somethings have not changed, as you too agree yourself. Things said in an argument often have words like... "never" "ever" "nothing" "always" "don't" "can't" "you" "I" etc etc

These words in an argument are used to emphasis the talker's position, and do not always desribe honestly what would be ideally said in a calm and introspective sharing within a mutally respective conversation. They can be very hurtful to the listener, of course...

Why not just calmly ask him if he notices whatever real changes you have made? Do so with an open mind, and be ready to see what changes your hubby as well has both made and not made in his life and marriage too.

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Old 07-30-2012, 10:08 AM
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post
Why not just calmly ask him if he notices whatever real changes you have made?
Well... because he is right in some respects. Just because I quit drinking doesn't mean I'm this all new improved, perfected person. I am still me, with the faults, habits, etc. - just without booze. And I'm working on it. So I'm putting faith in myself, my program -- that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll reap the rewards one day. One day, eventually, others will notice the huge changes in me.

Until then, I feel I have to just keep doing my thing. I don't feel I can expect my husband to just "see" the all new me. After all, we've been together for nearly 12 years, and I've only been doing this for 7 months.

I appreciate what you said about words said during an argument. I am going to keep that in mind.
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Old 07-30-2012, 10:20 AM
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I've had similar situations with the boyfriend and I've found that it is just entirely way easier to keep doing what I'm supposed to do. I elected to commit myself to change, and he did not. I work a 12 step program, and he does not. So naturally there will be times when heads will butt, but I have to remind myself not to get angry, and to calmly explain to him how I feel about things. Whether I think he is listening or not I just say what I need to say and then go about my business of the day. lol.
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Old 07-30-2012, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by FlyerFan View Post
I've had similar situations with the boyfriend and I've found that it is just entirely way easier to keep doing what I'm supposed to do. I elected to commit myself to change, and he did not. I work a 12 step program, and he does not. So naturally there will be times when heads will butt, but I have to remind myself not to get angry, and to calmly explain to him how I feel about things. Whether I think he is listening or not I just say what I need to say and then go about my business of the day. lol.
I think day by day, that kind of thing works. When I find it hard to deal with is when we are arguing. See, when I first wrote this post, I was in a state of total angst! Now, I'm calm and rational.
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Old 07-30-2012, 11:00 AM
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Did you get through the 5th step yet?

Without a discussion with my sponsor, I couldn't see my part in anything, but that is me.

Keep moving forward, Lost!!
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Lost3000 View Post
I think day by day, that kind of thing works. When I find it hard to deal with is when we are arguing. See, when I first wrote this post, I was in a state of total angst! Now, I'm calm and rational.
Yeah I understand. I used to scream at mine for the stupidest things. dirty dishes, or something else. lol. and now when i see them I just automatically pick them up and wash them myself because i have to remind myself that he's just a typical man and of course hes gonna be a little lazy and messy, what man isnt? lmao
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