Fearful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Fearful
I've been off to a meeting today and that was good. Came home and felt exhausted so had a nap. Woke in the evening and cats were making a lot of feed me noises. No food for them till tomorrow but I have milk so got them a bowl each. One of them is a bit mental and provides constant stream of noise when I'm in vicinity - drives me nuts! Went to set bowl down and it headbutted my hand and milk spilt all over. Cursed it and hit it. Luckily only one finger struck but it was hard the finger feels bruised. Poor thing cowered in corner. I picked it up gave it a pat and put it to its bowl where it began drinking.
Now I feel really bad. Last time I struck a cat was in active addiction and nearly 20 years ago. I love my animals. They adopted me turning up as half dead strays on my step years ago. I am appalled at myself for hitting a defenseless animal, this one in particular is an amputee. My head went to using, depression, darkness.
I know it's not the end of the world, I cleaned up to be a better person I just feel really crappy. I've prayed about it, I'm really concerned as I've broken the animals trust, and when I hurt others I inevitably hurt myself.
I think I feel so down as am having a real struggle with cleaning up. I feel guilty for not having food in the bowls, I feel guilty for not doing research work I could be doing to secure some possible work. I feel guilty (and scared) from using thoughts.
12 days clean and sober. Have cleaned up before got to 18 months once. I want sobriety, serenity, peace.
Pretty dark at present. pretty dark first post...
Now I feel really bad. Last time I struck a cat was in active addiction and nearly 20 years ago. I love my animals. They adopted me turning up as half dead strays on my step years ago. I am appalled at myself for hitting a defenseless animal, this one in particular is an amputee. My head went to using, depression, darkness.
I know it's not the end of the world, I cleaned up to be a better person I just feel really crappy. I've prayed about it, I'm really concerned as I've broken the animals trust, and when I hurt others I inevitably hurt myself.
I think I feel so down as am having a real struggle with cleaning up. I feel guilty for not having food in the bowls, I feel guilty for not doing research work I could be doing to secure some possible work. I feel guilty (and scared) from using thoughts.
12 days clean and sober. Have cleaned up before got to 18 months once. I want sobriety, serenity, peace.
Pretty dark at present. pretty dark first post...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi AucklandAddict 
Welcome
I understand that you feel bad but I think you should cut yourself some slack.
Early recovery is a rough time - you're still healing...sounds like you might even be a little depressed?
If your cat is anything like the cats I know it will shrug it off - or get you back by waking you at some ungodly hour of the morning
Seriously tho - our animals are amazing - they give us unconditional love and they forgive us our less noble moments time and time again.
You've found a great place for support - SR certainly has helped me find that place of love light and healing I was looking for
It's great to have you with us
D
Welcome
I understand that you feel bad but I think you should cut yourself some slack.
Early recovery is a rough time - you're still healing...sounds like you might even be a little depressed?
If your cat is anything like the cats I know it will shrug it off - or get you back by waking you at some ungodly hour of the morning
Seriously tho - our animals are amazing - they give us unconditional love and they forgive us our less noble moments time and time again.
You've found a great place for support - SR certainly has helped me find that place of love light and healing I was looking for
It's great to have you with us
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Thanks Dee
This early recovery has actually been filled with miracles, I just caught myself off gaurd and it scared me. Bit the bullet and found money and cat biscuits, now i have two purring happy animals. When I consider the love I have shown those two, one momentary spot of anger does not make me a bad owner.
So lets talk miracles then.
This weekend just past I made peace with my Father after 20 years of no communication (bar one accidental occurence of being in same place same time that went very poorly). We talked for hours about spirituality and philosophy, I had no idea the man was such a scholar. This is the first adult conversation we've ever had. The last one I was detoxing in hospital and high as a kite on hemineurine (spelling?). I hope to continue this relationship. We are in different cities but can correspond, and future visits are entirely on the cards.
This Monday just past I performed on stage SOBER! I was terrified, I normally have a skinful of wine. To counter the nerves I attended a meeting beforehand, then gave out some cigarettes to homeless people on the way to the club. I got there feeling good and a guy is in the lineup that I owed amends to. Gave him a bit of a scare earlier in the year for trying to pick up my girl. So i apologised and got on with my set. Kicked butt, a very happy club owner and feedback from other performers and public was very good as well. today I perform not to have the crowd love me (my ego) but to gift my ability to laugh at the darker side of life in the hopes others may realise they are not so alone, and not so seperate/mad/abnormal as they might suspect. I am so grateful to have learned so quickly that the emotional highs and lows of performing are from ego - not par for the course.
Yesterday I made amends with a friend I have basically stalked for the entire year. I fessed up about having her password, I was scared I'd be hated and written off so set it up so I had a meeting to attend immediately after should I need it. She was a little angry but mostly amused it explained a lot of why I was so emotionally unstable with her, and broke the back of the obsession somewhat. We spoke very honestly about addictions (she is alcoholic, and what really cut me up, bit of a sex addict). We are better friends than ever now and a huge weight has been lifted from me. I pray that I can concentrate on my recovery, and keep my eye on the real prize - serenity and self love. She 'rescued' me when i was very down nearly two years ago now, and I became co-dependant on her. We are not an 'item' now, but still friends and lovers. My higher power alone knows if we will be together in the future or not, anything is possible, my task is to heal myself.
I am a scientist in training today. I wanted to help one of our primary industries move to more sustainable practise but had grown despondent over this as there is a bit of a monopoly in the industry from a company that only wants to increase production without regard for society and the environment. Now i've met a company (last Friday) that are making sustainable organic fertilisers and need a good researcher, so that door is not closed as I suspected.
I have a steps working guide, I have a habit of getting on my knees each morning and asking for Gods help, I have a sponsor. I have an urgent desire to build my relationship with God, to clean up any wreckage i have made, and to move forward.
Next week I meet a new manager of a soup kitchen and will volunteer there one morning a week. Service like this will help break my self obsession.
Not bad for 12 days clean!
I might be having a flat evening, but i have also already had happiness, some peace, some joy, and a rapid softening of the heart which I welcome with open arms. Miracles are happening, counting my blessings now, including finding this forum.
I like my second post better, but I have learned not to sit on the type of thing in the first post, better out than in, I am not prepared to let fear take over my life again.
Love conquers fear. Thanking my Higher Power. Even all that wreckage of past can be harnessed for good in the form of performing arts, and service to others.
Yes I feel flat still, this too shall pass.
This early recovery has actually been filled with miracles, I just caught myself off gaurd and it scared me. Bit the bullet and found money and cat biscuits, now i have two purring happy animals. When I consider the love I have shown those two, one momentary spot of anger does not make me a bad owner.
So lets talk miracles then.
This weekend just past I made peace with my Father after 20 years of no communication (bar one accidental occurence of being in same place same time that went very poorly). We talked for hours about spirituality and philosophy, I had no idea the man was such a scholar. This is the first adult conversation we've ever had. The last one I was detoxing in hospital and high as a kite on hemineurine (spelling?). I hope to continue this relationship. We are in different cities but can correspond, and future visits are entirely on the cards.
This Monday just past I performed on stage SOBER! I was terrified, I normally have a skinful of wine. To counter the nerves I attended a meeting beforehand, then gave out some cigarettes to homeless people on the way to the club. I got there feeling good and a guy is in the lineup that I owed amends to. Gave him a bit of a scare earlier in the year for trying to pick up my girl. So i apologised and got on with my set. Kicked butt, a very happy club owner and feedback from other performers and public was very good as well. today I perform not to have the crowd love me (my ego) but to gift my ability to laugh at the darker side of life in the hopes others may realise they are not so alone, and not so seperate/mad/abnormal as they might suspect. I am so grateful to have learned so quickly that the emotional highs and lows of performing are from ego - not par for the course.
Yesterday I made amends with a friend I have basically stalked for the entire year. I fessed up about having her password, I was scared I'd be hated and written off so set it up so I had a meeting to attend immediately after should I need it. She was a little angry but mostly amused it explained a lot of why I was so emotionally unstable with her, and broke the back of the obsession somewhat. We spoke very honestly about addictions (she is alcoholic, and what really cut me up, bit of a sex addict). We are better friends than ever now and a huge weight has been lifted from me. I pray that I can concentrate on my recovery, and keep my eye on the real prize - serenity and self love. She 'rescued' me when i was very down nearly two years ago now, and I became co-dependant on her. We are not an 'item' now, but still friends and lovers. My higher power alone knows if we will be together in the future or not, anything is possible, my task is to heal myself.
I am a scientist in training today. I wanted to help one of our primary industries move to more sustainable practise but had grown despondent over this as there is a bit of a monopoly in the industry from a company that only wants to increase production without regard for society and the environment. Now i've met a company (last Friday) that are making sustainable organic fertilisers and need a good researcher, so that door is not closed as I suspected.
I have a steps working guide, I have a habit of getting on my knees each morning and asking for Gods help, I have a sponsor. I have an urgent desire to build my relationship with God, to clean up any wreckage i have made, and to move forward.
Next week I meet a new manager of a soup kitchen and will volunteer there one morning a week. Service like this will help break my self obsession.
Not bad for 12 days clean!
I might be having a flat evening, but i have also already had happiness, some peace, some joy, and a rapid softening of the heart which I welcome with open arms. Miracles are happening, counting my blessings now, including finding this forum.
I like my second post better, but I have learned not to sit on the type of thing in the first post, better out than in, I am not prepared to let fear take over my life again.
Love conquers fear. Thanking my Higher Power. Even all that wreckage of past can be harnessed for good in the form of performing arts, and service to others.
Yes I feel flat still, this too shall pass.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome AucklandAddict -
Wow - those are some big accomplishments for 12 days sober!
There's a lot of emotional ups and downs at first - so many people seem to get really irritable (myself included) around 2 weeks sober. I'm thinking a lot of it is chemical.
Your remorse about your cat shows how much you do care. When we do things like that, it's really about how we're feeling inside. We need to be compassionate and patient with ourselves, take some of that pressure off...... this is not an easy thing to do. *hugs*
Wow - those are some big accomplishments for 12 days sober!
There's a lot of emotional ups and downs at first - so many people seem to get really irritable (myself included) around 2 weeks sober. I'm thinking a lot of it is chemical.
Your remorse about your cat shows how much you do care. When we do things like that, it's really about how we're feeling inside. We need to be compassionate and patient with ourselves, take some of that pressure off...... this is not an easy thing to do. *hugs*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Thank you for the kind words artsoul. Today has been a beautiful day, attended a lunchtime meeting of AA which was really good, lots of old timers sharing with the theme being "There Is A Solution".
Got my course books for the new semester of university. Can't wait! The subject matter is a mixed bag but all dear to my heart (biogeography, world history, microbial ecology). this is something I can really get my teeth into and with only 3 papers to go the workload is not so heinous as it might be (I'm a paper ahead due to summer school last summer).
I did a bit of work this morning and WOW! Being sober rocks. I did about the same amount in 3 hours that used to take me 3 days.
Have an NA meeting to attend tonight, a nice big Friday night meeting followed by coffee. I find NA good for similarly aged fellowship, and AA good for old school 12 step programme advice. Both interchangeable on both of course.
Very grateful man today. Time to get cracking through my steps working guide. Though I am working the steps, being an academic type I like the structure of the question answer in written format, and it gives me the opportunity to bond with my sponsor better when I share this stuff with him.
Timekeeping will be important this semester, 12 step programme, meetings, lectures, reading, essays and assignments, comedy, research... The 12 step meetings and comedy also cater to my social life. Trying to get a balance going with physical (walks 1 hour to uni), spiritual (meetings, prayer and need to learn meditation), emotional (programme, sponsor) and intellectual (university).
Am I missing an aspect? Been a while since I thought about balance in my life...
Blessings to all, may you find peace.
Got my course books for the new semester of university. Can't wait! The subject matter is a mixed bag but all dear to my heart (biogeography, world history, microbial ecology). this is something I can really get my teeth into and with only 3 papers to go the workload is not so heinous as it might be (I'm a paper ahead due to summer school last summer).
I did a bit of work this morning and WOW! Being sober rocks. I did about the same amount in 3 hours that used to take me 3 days.
Have an NA meeting to attend tonight, a nice big Friday night meeting followed by coffee. I find NA good for similarly aged fellowship, and AA good for old school 12 step programme advice. Both interchangeable on both of course.
Very grateful man today. Time to get cracking through my steps working guide. Though I am working the steps, being an academic type I like the structure of the question answer in written format, and it gives me the opportunity to bond with my sponsor better when I share this stuff with him.
Timekeeping will be important this semester, 12 step programme, meetings, lectures, reading, essays and assignments, comedy, research... The 12 step meetings and comedy also cater to my social life. Trying to get a balance going with physical (walks 1 hour to uni), spiritual (meetings, prayer and need to learn meditation), emotional (programme, sponsor) and intellectual (university).
Am I missing an aspect? Been a while since I thought about balance in my life...
Blessings to all, may you find peace.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Just wow. You're doing some excellent work. I suppose the only advice i have to give is don't burn yourself out but i get the feeling that we live different paced lifestyles, lol! If that's what keeps you happy then go for it! Just remember to take time for yourself as well. Sometimes people feel the need to fill every moment with something. Negative space serves a purpose as well. Perhaps not quite as much negative space as i like but a tiny bit from time to time, haha! You're quite amazing there. Keep off the nasty stuff. The world needs more industrious people like you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Thanks for that. I guess I'm a bit overactive as last time i cleaned up I took 'take it easy' to heart a bit too much and spend most of my time doing nothing. The programme is about (to my understanding) coping with life on lifes terms. I figure getting on with it is the way (for me) to go now.
I still have me time, I might spend it on watching movies, or walking, or going to you tube and hearing spiritual teachers like Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle or even AA speakers. I can be rather lazy given half a chance - the diary idea is to make sure I am handling lifes tasks AND making spaces for myself.
Too much jail as a young man taught me to mark time easily, watch months go by and do nothing. Had enough of that too!
I still have me time, I might spend it on watching movies, or walking, or going to you tube and hearing spiritual teachers like Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle or even AA speakers. I can be rather lazy given half a chance - the diary idea is to make sure I am handling lifes tasks AND making spaces for myself.
Too much jail as a young man taught me to mark time easily, watch months go by and do nothing. Had enough of that too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Today was very rough. First day back at university. I love study, my problem was I watched a movie last night that pushed a whole heap of buttons concerning a bad relationship I was in for most of the last 2 years. OUCH! I'm ok, about to get some sleep. I did two meetings today, needed them both. So many people backing me on my decision to stay clean they are helping me get through the tough times just by knowing I am loved.
Got an awesome new sponsor. Last one was great he was just very hard to get hold of. New sponsor is a hardcore 12 step big book bashing madman, also a very compassionate guy with big heart and a sense of humor - need that with me...
Threw out more drugs last night, keep finding stashes, pills, mushrooms, weed, pipes, spoons, knives... house must be nearly clean by now lol. Was hard throwing out my favourite painkillers and some valium etc, was also very liberating.
Study is great - microbial ecology - WOW! I love the wee little critters, fascinating. Grateful addict, grateful to be clean, grateful for the people here and in my life in my country as well. Many things to give thanks for, including surviving a very emotional day.
YAY ME! YAY MY HP! YAY FOR NA & AA!
Got an awesome new sponsor. Last one was great he was just very hard to get hold of. New sponsor is a hardcore 12 step big book bashing madman, also a very compassionate guy with big heart and a sense of humor - need that with me...
Threw out more drugs last night, keep finding stashes, pills, mushrooms, weed, pipes, spoons, knives... house must be nearly clean by now lol. Was hard throwing out my favourite painkillers and some valium etc, was also very liberating.
Study is great - microbial ecology - WOW! I love the wee little critters, fascinating. Grateful addict, grateful to be clean, grateful for the people here and in my life in my country as well. Many things to give thanks for, including surviving a very emotional day.
YAY ME! YAY MY HP! YAY FOR NA & AA!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Still obsessed over 'my girl'. Not heinously so like I was in active addiction, but having a lot of trouble "letting go and letting God" on this particular issue.
Not allowed to talk about her particular afflictions here. Suffice it to say the movie that triggered me the other night was called shame, don't watch it, it is far too raw and real.
Obsessive compulsive... co-dependancy. The worse I got treated, the more I tried to control. Nearly killed myself. I prayed this morning to be able to let go. I am going to start writing out steps with the NA guide this morning.
I think (thinking - tsk tsk) I need to concentrate on the blessings in my life of which there are many. So lets list some.
Beautiful animals.
Nearly finished science degree and doing very well at it.
In a city surrounded by meetings.
SR forums and community.
Large section with extensive gardens.
Community of supportive neighbours including several close friends.
Awesome sponsor.
Previous experience, including relapse, so I know exactly what I need to do (steps, sponsor, service, prayer (and learn meditation), meetings, gratitude lists, affirmations.
You tube full of spiritual teachings my favourites being Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle.
Government that pays for most of my studies.
Future with decent job instead of menial labour.
Nice home.
Have not wound up in jail or other institution.
Gifted with love for, and skills in, poetry and comedy.
No enemies.
17 days clean.
Computer with lots of movies and music to enjoy.
Potential to lift myself out of poverty easily.
Volunteer work - give love and it comes back.
Nice clothes - thanks Sis!
Family that love me.
Restored relationship with Father - got my first ever letter from him yesterday!
Needs met!
Beautiful country to live in.
Beautiful city to live in.
Studies that challenge and inspire.
Good food.
Capacity to feel joy, love, compassion.
It's early days. Perhaps a wee bit of 'take it easy' is called for. As in take it easy on myself when i'm not 100%, it is only early days, the suggested things for recovery WILL restore me to sanity. Yesterday I woke in tears, today I'm just a bit 'off'. Improvement already.
I am OK, I am well. I am loved and am surrounded by love. I have a wonderful future ahead of me and God has a plan for me that encompasses all of my needs.
Need to forgive myself for allowing that relationship to go as far as it did. need to take the lessons from it, turn them into a positive. Just for today, i will not use drink or drugs, i will do my step work, and i will do a meeting, and study hard.
Not allowed to talk about her particular afflictions here. Suffice it to say the movie that triggered me the other night was called shame, don't watch it, it is far too raw and real.
Obsessive compulsive... co-dependancy. The worse I got treated, the more I tried to control. Nearly killed myself. I prayed this morning to be able to let go. I am going to start writing out steps with the NA guide this morning.
I think (thinking - tsk tsk) I need to concentrate on the blessings in my life of which there are many. So lets list some.
Beautiful animals.
Nearly finished science degree and doing very well at it.
In a city surrounded by meetings.
SR forums and community.
Large section with extensive gardens.
Community of supportive neighbours including several close friends.
Awesome sponsor.
Previous experience, including relapse, so I know exactly what I need to do (steps, sponsor, service, prayer (and learn meditation), meetings, gratitude lists, affirmations.
You tube full of spiritual teachings my favourites being Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle.
Government that pays for most of my studies.
Future with decent job instead of menial labour.
Nice home.
Have not wound up in jail or other institution.
Gifted with love for, and skills in, poetry and comedy.
No enemies.
17 days clean.
Computer with lots of movies and music to enjoy.
Potential to lift myself out of poverty easily.
Volunteer work - give love and it comes back.
Nice clothes - thanks Sis!
Family that love me.
Restored relationship with Father - got my first ever letter from him yesterday!
Needs met!
Beautiful country to live in.
Beautiful city to live in.
Studies that challenge and inspire.
Good food.
Capacity to feel joy, love, compassion.
It's early days. Perhaps a wee bit of 'take it easy' is called for. As in take it easy on myself when i'm not 100%, it is only early days, the suggested things for recovery WILL restore me to sanity. Yesterday I woke in tears, today I'm just a bit 'off'. Improvement already.
I am OK, I am well. I am loved and am surrounded by love. I have a wonderful future ahead of me and God has a plan for me that encompasses all of my needs.
Need to forgive myself for allowing that relationship to go as far as it did. need to take the lessons from it, turn them into a positive. Just for today, i will not use drink or drugs, i will do my step work, and i will do a meeting, and study hard.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Originally Posted by AucklandAddict 
One of them is a bit mental and provides constant stream of noise when I'm in vicinity - drives me nuts! Went to set bowl down and it headbutted my hand and milk spilt all over. Cursed it and hit it. Luckily only one finger struck but it was hard the finger feels bruised. Poor thing cowered in corner.
Please get a proper home for your cat. Animals don't deserve to be treated that way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
You have no idea. That was a completely out of character moment. Hence feeling so upset about it, and fessing up to what i also think was completely wrong. This almost made me relapse i felt so bad, so I came here and shared, and now you judge me. Fact is they were fed in the morning, and at night all I had was milk. That is the first time in 7 years I ran out of food before payday. Milk was sufficient for one meal, they just prefer the biscuits.
I go to meetings and hear about all the robbing and standover tactics, wife beating etc etc. Gimme a freaking break. I was half asleep, in a lot of pain, and i had a momentary lapse of sanity. First thing I've struck out at in over 20 years.
Take your judgements elsewhere please, I do not need them.
I go to meetings and hear about all the robbing and standover tactics, wife beating etc etc. Gimme a freaking break. I was half asleep, in a lot of pain, and i had a momentary lapse of sanity. First thing I've struck out at in over 20 years.
Take your judgements elsewhere please, I do not need them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Also, while in rant mode - these cats were both strays and literally dying on my doorstep when i took them in. Broke the bank to fix them up. One was torn up by a dog, other had a missing leg and was having kittens but was only kitten size herself. Nothing but love for them for many years.
God bless Anna, I hope you can have peace about this, my cats are in good hands.
God bless Anna, I hope you can have peace about this, my cats are in good hands.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
Great meeting today. Meetings always deliver some really simple message I've gone and forgotten while galavanting around in this mad head of mine. Todays message I needed to hear was "Recovery has to take priority". I was getting all stressed about fitting all my uni readings in. I bet I'm already well ahead of most of my university peers as that's how I roll.
Darkness has lifted, been there a couple of days. I did a bit of step-work and admitted i am powerless over people too, and trying to control them makes my life unmanageable. Then I didn't go running to rescue my ex (inundated with work she needs to learn to say no as I am now learning) or check on her or anything, just did my own stuff.
She says we're good friends, but friends don't constantly let the other down, or cheat on them, or cancel their holidays to be with other people! I'm trying dignity on for size, feels awkward, a couple of washes it should fit better.
I can do this, one day at a time, no more doormat, no more drugs or booze, no more dodgy quick fix behaviour, I can do this.
Darkness has lifted, been there a couple of days. I did a bit of step-work and admitted i am powerless over people too, and trying to control them makes my life unmanageable. Then I didn't go running to rescue my ex (inundated with work she needs to learn to say no as I am now learning) or check on her or anything, just did my own stuff.
She says we're good friends, but friends don't constantly let the other down, or cheat on them, or cancel their holidays to be with other people! I'm trying dignity on for size, feels awkward, a couple of washes it should fit better.
I can do this, one day at a time, no more doormat, no more drugs or booze, no more dodgy quick fix behaviour, I can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
I'm a mess tonight. I can't write off my ex because she behaves like an addict - who am I to judge? I'm a total mess. So conflicted.
I don't want to use/drink as am scared I will suicide or something else insane. I don't want professional help they'll try feed me drugs. I just don't know what to do, I don't know what I'm doing.
This hurts so much I can't hardly breathe, almost breaking into tears all day, on the bus, walking, in lectures, chewing my cheek trying to get it together. Can't concentrate, affirmations, prayers not working, just a mess.
How does one love unconditionally? How do you 'let go' of someone you love? It seems impossible.
I don't want to use/drink as am scared I will suicide or something else insane. I don't want professional help they'll try feed me drugs. I just don't know what to do, I don't know what I'm doing.
This hurts so much I can't hardly breathe, almost breaking into tears all day, on the bus, walking, in lectures, chewing my cheek trying to get it together. Can't concentrate, affirmations, prayers not working, just a mess.
How does one love unconditionally? How do you 'let go' of someone you love? It seems impossible.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I never give relationship advice but I know I've let people go with whom I had an addictive history - not only for my good but theirs.
Codependency can be as destructive as any other kind of addiction in my experience.
If you feel like you might be suicidal I can't stress enough how important it is to get help Auckland addict.
Sometimes we maybe so messed up we may not be our own best advocate, you know?
Help needn't be drugs - I've been helped immeasurably over the years by counselling.
I'm not a Kiwi - but you might consider looking at these links
In Crisis? | SPINZ - Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand
Lifeline New Zealand counselling service regarding suicide
There's also some very good, helpful, reading in this link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
D
Codependency can be as destructive as any other kind of addiction in my experience.
If you feel like you might be suicidal I can't stress enough how important it is to get help Auckland addict.
Sometimes we maybe so messed up we may not be our own best advocate, you know?
Help needn't be drugs - I've been helped immeasurably over the years by counselling.
I'm not a Kiwi - but you might consider looking at these links
In Crisis? | SPINZ - Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand
Lifeline New Zealand counselling service regarding suicide
There's also some very good, helpful, reading in this link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Chippewa Falls, WI
Posts: 13
You sir, I have much respect for you. I am the same way at times and the way that you punished yourself for hurting your cat is admirable. You are right it was definitely not okay, but you know what you did wrong and you can earn your cat's trust back in time. Lets talk about love. Love is broken down into two parts. First being "in love" is an emotion. Emotions are meant to come and go just like happiness, sadness, anger, etc. This is a misconception for many as a very large amount of people believe that they need to feel like they are "in love" all the time with their partner. The reality is that feeling won't last forever and a person needs to realize that. The second part of love is unconditional love, it is a choice. The choice is meant to last forever, unconditional love is the feeling you have for your son, daughter, mother, father, etc. You love them no matter what happens. Many people don't know how to love. Sir, one thing you need to know. If you cannot love yourself, you cannot love anyone else. Relationships won't last until you are healthy mentally. I used to be this way and many people have this problem as well. I cannot diagnose you, but I used to love others more than I loved myself. I would go above and beyond and not knowingly expect love from that person. If I did not receive that love back in my expectations, I would not love myself. I would beat myself up and take 100% responsibility for my relationships not working. I now know that the responsibility of a relationship failing is about 50/50. If both people put forward enough effort anything can be achievable. You need to accept the things you cannot change. The only person you can change is yourself. You can let her go, and you will be fine my friend, just believe in yourself. Doing random acts of kindness for others will spark love from within for yourself. I hope this helps, you can always message me if you feel the need to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 90
There's truth in that. I still love her but it is a one way street from where I'm sitting. Been to a meeting but am still a mess. Friend in chat helped a bit. I'm all wounded, victim, poor me at the moment. Think I'd better go do some EFT (emotional freedom technique - acupressure/affirmation combo) around a few issues as this state of mind is just horrid.
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