I've hidden from true emotions for too long, time to quit playing hide & don't seek
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I've hidden from true emotions for too long, time to quit playing hide & don't seek
I spent so many years hiding from my heart through booze and other addictions and compulsions, from my self. Even sober I avoided relationships, conflicts, I even stuck to books and movies that were funny or feel good or phantasy. I think now what's the ultimate purpose of sobriety if I'm still afraid to really feel and experience? I'm opening to people (scarey), I'm reading books and watching movies that touch my heart in the deepest sense. Sometimes I get sad or depressed or cry, but I was all those things before I just numbed and avoided and ran away. I'm tired of running an endless marathon that only takes me in circles. Lately, I've done some deep thinking, reaching, relating, reading, watching, and damn, it may huet like Hell sometime but it hasn't killed me yet like my addictions were. I realize now my years of playing hide and seek was a one man came, pretty pointless.
“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times
“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
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Feeling our old feelings that we've numbed and pushed inside is one thing we avoid by drinking...without the drink, they come up and want to regurgitate out. Once we do feel them, their power is lost, they are gone, and we are free to move forward.
I hate pain, too, Fitz!
I hate pain, too, Fitz!
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
Feeling our old feelings that we've numbed and pushed inside is one thing we avoid by drinking...without the drink, they come up and want to regurgitate out. Once we do feel them, their power is lost, they are gone, and we are free to move forward.
I hate pain, too, Fitz!
I hate pain, too, Fitz!
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Wonder if you shared the "Fitz quote?" I actually focused on the thought today. It was a good Sun's Day for me. I walked, read, listened, watered my garden and just felt what I felt. Some one once said "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."
I meditated on that thought and it really helped me. Thinking I don't need a drink or a drug to get me by, just faith in myself and the process. I had drinking dreams last night where I fixated on was there enough booze to get me by. In my dream I found a bottle of wine hidden away, my first thought was relief my 2nd was why? In this dream I poured the wine out and could smell the sour odor. When I woke I actually looked to see if the bottle was there. Of course it wasn't, it was a dream. Made me realize how much of my waking life was dreaming with a sour smell. My garden is good today, it has sun for food and water and it's growing. I need to think I'm as smart and natural as my plants. I met a street person with a pack on his back and a cat on his shoulder. We stopped and chatted. I thought I was the only one that used to have a cat ride on my shoulder (many years ago). I gave him a loaf of fresh baked bread (yes I baked it)and a can of tuna for the cat (Boots) and keyed him into a couple of local resources. He was so young. Later I thought how much of my pain and suffering was self-inflicted by my thoughts. The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the garden is growing and boots is riding a young man's shoulder. It was a really good day. And I am sober. Go figure. Blessings to all.
I meditated on that thought and it really helped me. Thinking I don't need a drink or a drug to get me by, just faith in myself and the process. I had drinking dreams last night where I fixated on was there enough booze to get me by. In my dream I found a bottle of wine hidden away, my first thought was relief my 2nd was why? In this dream I poured the wine out and could smell the sour odor. When I woke I actually looked to see if the bottle was there. Of course it wasn't, it was a dream. Made me realize how much of my waking life was dreaming with a sour smell. My garden is good today, it has sun for food and water and it's growing. I need to think I'm as smart and natural as my plants. I met a street person with a pack on his back and a cat on his shoulder. We stopped and chatted. I thought I was the only one that used to have a cat ride on my shoulder (many years ago). I gave him a loaf of fresh baked bread (yes I baked it)and a can of tuna for the cat (Boots) and keyed him into a couple of local resources. He was so young. Later I thought how much of my pain and suffering was self-inflicted by my thoughts. The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the garden is growing and boots is riding a young man's shoulder. It was a really good day. And I am sober. Go figure. Blessings to all.
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