I've hidden from true emotions for too long, time to quit playing hide & don't seek
I spent so many years hiding from my heart through booze and other addictions and compulsions, from my self. Even sober I avoided relationships, conflicts, I even stuck to books and movies that were funny or feel good or phantasy. I think now what's the ultimate purpose of sobriety if I'm still afraid to really feel and experience? I'm opening to people (scarey), I'm reading books and watching movies that touch my heart in the deepest sense. Sometimes I get sad or depressed or cry, but I was all those things before I just numbed and avoided and ran away. I'm tired of running an endless marathon that only takes me in circles. Lately, I've done some deep thinking, reaching, relating, reading, watching, and damn, it may huet like Hell sometime but it hasn't killed me yet like my addictions were. I realize now my years of playing hide and seek was a one man came, pretty pointless.
“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times