samwitch

I've been sober for about a month, almost. But I drank tonight. My life is a mess. I try to pretend otherwise, but there it is. My mother is competely toxic, my father was never in my life , I'm divorced and my friends have pretty much abandoned me.
I drank because I didn't see another outlet. I'm trying to see the other side, but right now, I can't. I'm so alone and so hurt. All of my relationships have been one-sided. I don't know what is wrong with me, but there must be something or I wouldn't be here in this situation.

I did pour out the rest of the bottle.

I just don't know where to go from here.

Dee74

Maybe this is the key Sam?

My life was pretty hard to deal with - that's why I started drinking - it didn't get any easier once I quit.

I really needed support, I really needed help, I really needed to be prepared to go further faster and longer than I'd ever gone before not to pick up a drink.

There's no secret to recovery - it's about not picking up a drink/drug - the support we have to make that happen is the key, I think.

what have you done so far to find other outlets SW?

D

RevivingOphelia

You put down the bottle. That is a wonderful start. Maybe get a bite to eat, drink some water, and rest. Tomorrow is always a new day with new choices.

Best to you.

MycoolFitz

Well its why we have the sun rise everyday. A month was great. Batters who hit one of 4 are considered stars. They come out every night too. Don't give up on yourself. Have a plan flex it as needed and believe in the possible. My best friend.

cuasticprince

Ever think about people toasting at special events? It is because they are in a celebratory mood and nothing else. The only difference for us-however-is that we think we can drink through thick and thin and even when the charade is over and our lives are seemingly falling apart, we continue to drink. What is there to celebrate in that? Try to think that booze can be a contributing factor to some of your problems but not at all the mass of them. What I have really read in your message is that you want to do this to please others. Celebrate yourself.

samwitch

I've tried to get support. I get none. this is the thing, I don't know how to communicate how much I'm hurting, obviously, because when I try, I just get blown off.

Last weekend I was very clear about how depressed and emotionally upset I was, but I was ignored. Today, same thing. I can't take much more. There is no one I can go to or who I can count on to try and talk to.

I know alcohol doesn't change this. But right now, I'm not seeing a reason to try for a better life.

Dee74

what about recovery groups and support from other alcoholics Sam?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Check out the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.


D

samwitch

I think it's not just the drinking, it's my life. it's so messed up that being sober doesn't seem to be the answer.

Right now the only reason I'm not drinking myself into oblivion is my dog.

can't take it anymore.

Albatross3

Sam, I'm new here but I totally get what your saying. I've reached out lately for support and its like I just get kicked because I'm down. All I can say at this point is that people reached out to me here which is better than what I've been getting. For me that's a start.

I wish you the best.

wonderfullife

Sam, I totally 100% understand where you are. I'm not quite sure that I won't be there again. but keep that month of sobriety. embrace it and when you wake up that must be the only thing you think of. do not let tonight tarnish in anyway that one month. you managed to put together something many here cannot, including myself. tomorrow, embrace your month, go for a run, and realize that the best still trip on the road. That doesn't mean you start from the beginning. your month inspires others who can't get there. to see you rebound would be inspirational. i look forward to your post tomorrow.

M

Dee74

I drank for about 20 years Sam - I took me a few months to even start to sort my life out ...

but I couldn't even start that process until I'd been sober a while...I needed my head clear and my perspective to be healthy....and that will happen, so long as you stay the course.

It's a act of faith to keep going for a while when things don't seem to get better - but I hope you will, because that's the way out

D

GypsyHeart

sometimes in my life, my cats were the only thing that kinda kept me plodding along too.
here lately, i've been blown off too. i'm trying to keep looking for the opportunities and not the shut or unanswered doors in my life.
sending prayers to you. and to your dog (sounds like he's doing a good job).

DisplacedGRITS

We can't look to other to pick us up and dust is off. It has to come from within. You have to want it for yourself. What others think of you is their problem for the, to deal with. If they're not your support network then go build a better one. AA is a great place to start but they're not going to come find you. You can look around your life and find a million excuses to drink or you can look around your life and find a million excuses ot to drink. Even one excuse is enough. If it's your dog then let it start with that. Dedicate your sobriety to that excuse in the beginning and as you grow in your sobriety you'll discover more excuses to stay sober. The best excuse is that you just want it for yourself. When you want it for you and no other reason it'll get a lot easier.

Itchy

You don't know where to go? Why not start by going to a meeting whenever you feel that way. I used AA for my first three months as well as docs, counselors, the VA, my family and friends, here on SR. I too could not take it anymore. So I actually went to a meeting and found some great folks who already had what I needed. I don't use AA anymore but I have no problem with dropping into a meeting if I feel I need help. Going to a meeting does not mean it is for you always. But all this fear of them is ridiculous. Us adults are perfectly capable of joining and leaving any recovery plan that does not work for us once we have given it a try.

I used everything I could because I didn't want sympathy or to be taken care of. I knew no one could do it for me. I just needed to learn how to do it myself and have some support for when I needed it. Now I just use SR.

But it took being desperate enough to try anything and everything, without conditions that I would stay sober unless I got stressed, or had relationship issues, or my parents were dysfunctional.

I couldn't fix the world or even support another, until I got my own act together.

tomsteve

when i finally admitted my life was a total wreck caused by alcoholism, when i felt hopeless, helpless, worthless, and useless, when it was get sober or kill myself, when i was more desperate than i had ever been in my entire life, when the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality.... i walked into the rooms of AA.... i am no longer worthless,useless,helpless, or hopeless; i no longer want to kill myself; i lost the desperation and reality no longer is painful! life has taken on new meaning!!! it has been the greatest years of my life, and iffen ya check out a lil of my story here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-my-story.html

and see it aint been the easiestroad in recovery, but it has been an awesome ride!

Payton

We can't expect people in our lives to give us what we need to maintain sobriety. My husband refuses to believe I'm an alcoholic!

What we can count on are groups like AA where others like us who understand us will support us. We can also get into therapy with a counselor whose job it is to provide unconditional positive regard and help us actively change our lives.

One week ago I was totally in your position - I had a month down - and I drank and got depressed and made a spree of despondent posts. A week and a few drinks later I realized that I am not enough and neither are my family or friends and I got a therapist who I can't wait to see.

Tomorrow morning get a glass of water and call the AA helpline or look up a therapist. It will be a relief and give you some hope. You can do this and so can I. Pull your dog into bed with you and hold onto him/her for dear life and you will get through the next few hours. My pets were also a tremendous comfort to me this week. Thank God for them.

S0658888

when i was in treatment for depression they used cognitive therapy which basicly means change the way you think about things. take for example on a day when it was rainy and dark and just about one of the worst days ive seen in a long time, i ran into a friend and he said god i am getting sick of this rain, all it does is depress me. so i told him to sit down with me and we both looked out at the campus quad and i said ya know if it wasnt for the rain, that beautiful grass wouldnt be there, and if is wasnt for the rain thoses beautiful flowers wouldnt grow to be so fragrant. what i am trying to say to you buddy is that just because it seems like life sucks you have to look at what it is that is making you feel bad and look at it from a different angle and see that as the famous sayin goes " there is always a SILVER lining to every cloud"
congrats on the month and keep it up. i have faith in ya and if you need someone to be a part of your support system im here for ya. just hit me on here and i will get back to you asap. but im on day one of sober living for over three years of pain killers so i have a long way to go to get to where you are. just keep you head up and ALWAYS try to find at least one good thing that happend or you seen everyday even if its your dog didnt dump in your favorite shoes lol i hate it when my dog does it but hes so cute i cant get too mad at him lol

samwitch

Thanks for all the insight. I guess I do have support, after all.
I totally get what all of you are saying about dealing with the problems sober. And that getting sober doesn't make them go away.
I've been on this roller coaster now for almost a year: stopping for a little while, then using a problem as an excuse to drink again, and then becoming completely despondant about where I am in my life. What a cycle. I know how much better I feel when I don't drink and (usually) how I can cope with issues in a much more positive manner.
I am seeing a therapist. That does help quite a bit. I will also look at AA again as another option/tool to use.
Thank you all again for your help, it means a lot and I will get back on the sobriety train as of today and try to look at this slip as a learning experience.

MalkavianEmily

As other folk have said, you've managed a month. And that's great I've not managed it... Yet. [You see, sometimes there are good things that come before that word ]

And yes, I've had people who really didn't want to know. People who could see I was down, but rather than asking how I was, told me to get lost. As it happens we'd fallen out, although they wouldn't actually say anything to my face. Dunno if it was my drinking that upset them or not. Difficult to say when you don't really remember much of what was going on.

But now, I have people who do want to know. People who don't judge me, or push me away. And for that I'm grateful.
And you can do this. Maybe not on your own. I know I can't. But with the help and friendship of the people on here, we can.

soberbrooke

I felt the same way as you did.
One good thing is that all your drinking friends are gone, so that means you have room for all of your sober friends!

When I think about AA now, I think of it as my one dollar therapy session. If I go everyday of the year, which is 365 days, and pay 1 dollar, then I am paying $365 a year for my therapy sessions! That is amazing and cheap! When therapy use to cost me $150 once a week, and nothing ever changed!! I had to put my EGO (Easing God Out) aside, and let God be my guide.Before every meeting I pray and ask to be shown what I can't see about myself, or what I need to hear. And it always works. It has been my best therapy ever.

I live in a Lake community, and everyone drinks!! I just can't anymore. I have changed all of my friends, some of them are in AA, but most of them are not. When I use to have 50+ or so acquaintances, I now have 8 really good and close friends. I realized my life is unmanageable with alcohol, and I couldn't do it alone. I needed AA and the 12 step program to help me. It has taken me on the wildest ride of my life, and I am so much more happier. I still get worried, depressed at times, and unsure of myself, but with all the new tools I have learned in AA, it makes it easier to deal with my problems. I only have 6 months, and today is another day, but I am going to stay sober today, and prepare for my sobriety tomorrow.

If I can do it, then you can do it. It is a little work in the beginning, but it gets easier, I promise. Just hang in there, and get to some meetings that you really like and feel comfortable in. Last times when I tried to get sober, I went to a club that is a BIG club! I felt really intimidated by it, there where so many people!! I then found another one right around the corner that was so much smaller, and it felt really good. That is what saved my life this time around. Finding the right meeting can be what saves you from drinking the rest of your life.