SnowDaisy

I'm on my business trip, sitting in my hotel room having somewhat of an anxiety attack. Was supposed to spend the weekend with my boyfriend/ex or whatever (it's been 4 years, but things have been so rocky). He called to tell me he made plans to go see his kid (which he doesn't think is biologically his) play a football game. His ex-wife is going to be there. We got in a fight, I think it's really inappropriate, especially because he has his kids almost ALL THE TIME and we haven't gotten to spend a whole day together in about a month. Plus whenever his ex sees him at a kids event she always comes up and is all over him. His response to me was, "You have no say until we're married".

I have been going to therapy and the therapist has said this is really an unhealthy relationship... that I'm not going to be successful in sobriety if I keep dealing with his crap constantly. It's such a vicious cycle, I have been going in and out of this relationship for years. I don't know why I am so afraid to be alone. At this point, I almost want to go with him to the game just to make sure that him and his ex aren't all over each other. Which is stupid, because if he's gonna cheat, there's obviously nothing I can do about it.

I want to walk down to the hotel bar just thinking about it - but I'm not going to. I'm going to stay here and read SR until I calm down.

Thanks for listening to me vent!

Hevyn

I'm sorry you're going through a confusing & painful time, Snow. It's hard not to fall back on our old crutch during these times. Once we realize nothing will be helped by getting numb, we get over the hurdles without caving.

Going to the bar might feel like an answer, but it wouldn't be worth the price you'd pay. If you're like me, anything can happen once I take that first drink. I can't ever go back to those dangerous days again. It looks like you've already avoided that temptation - very proud of you. Glad you came here to talk about it. I know others will have advice.

wicked

I am glad you are getting help from the therapist, and even as a recovering alcoholic myself, this was just a hateful thing to say:

I wonder if you would have a say then? Seems a little controlling.
I know from experience SnowDaisy, there are many many worse things than being alone.
Top one....being drunk and being alone.
Another one, wasting years with someone who has no respect for you. I did that too.

Please stay away from the bar, no possible good could come from that.
Oh, you have the best plan, read SR until you calm down.
Excellent!




Beth

SnowDaisy

Thanks Hevyn. I'm learning that one or two drinks often leads to me blacking out and doing something stupid (or leads to weeks of drinking on end). I can't even pretend that I can control my drinking anymore.

Wicked, yes, it was very hurtful. My response was, "I'm never getting married, it ruins people." Haha maybe I'm just bitter.

And has anyone ever noticed how much alcohol they put in hotel rooms??? There's a big bottle and small bottle of red wine sitting on a shelf, plus a bottle of white wine and like 6 shooters in the minibar. Obviously they're not sympathetic to alcoholics! (don't worry, I'm not drinking any of it)

MsJax

Hi snowdaisy You know what the worst thing is about being in that type of relationship? When it ends, he will have taken more from you than just the "love" you thought you were getting from him. He takes the trust from you to love freely in your new relationships. Hard to explain, I'm sure you'll get it. In September of 2009 I separated from my parter of 16 years (he had found someone new). He had been emotionally unavailable, & now in retrospect I see, a total jerk for many years. Anyhow, the worst part has been the aftermath. Now I have an incredible boyfriend, but my old fears rear their ugly heads now and then. In fact I just made an appointment today to deal with some of this stuff, fairly serious, with a therapist.

Good job on checking in and staying away from the bar! That leads nowhere good. Vent away.

OCDDan

you could ask them to remove the booze from your room, I couldn't take having it there in a hotel while pissed about a relationship, best of luck to you..

SnowDaisy

Thanks MsJax... it's really helpful to hear about people who were in similar situations and are now happy. That's wonderful that you've found someone new who treats you better - I hope all goes well for you in therapy.

Jersey Nonny

I'd like to add to what Wicked said, "There are worse things than being alone...like being in a miserable relationship." When I got sober, I was in the middle of a divorce...25 years, three kids. I had to learn to be alone without feeling lonely. AA was a big help to me. Can you get to an AA meeting?

When I sponsored for the first time, one of the things I told her was, "You don't ever have to feel alone again."

SnowDaisy

I've been thinking about AA. I'm scared to go, and the first time I tried it I really didn't connect with the group. But I'm thinking I might check out a meeting next week. I've found that SR has been very helpful though - if I didn't have SR to occupy me right now, I'd probably be at the bar.

Anna

I'm glad you see that it sounds like an unhealthy relationship. He should not have talked to you in the way he did. And, if you don't trust him, you're never going to find peace together. I hope that you will see that you deserve so much better.

Enjoy your weekend and stay sober!

silly

I think trust is #1 in a relationship and, from what you've posted, there isn't much trust. There are so so so so so so many wonderful people out there, it's hard to understand why we stick with the ones that make us so insecure. I've been there more times than I'd like to admit. But I found that as scary as being alone can feel, it's MUCH more secure, motivating and empowering to BE alone than it is to sit all night and all day wondering what he/she is doing and/or when the sh*t is going to hit the fan. You can't stay sober and stay true to yourself when you're under the influence of someone you can't trust to support you, love you and desire the best for you.

silly

p.s. If you wait to be married to have a say in this relationship, what will you do if you don't get that say? Then it's too late, at least short term. Sounds like a tricky situation....

Sapling

Is this the same guy that told you that you can't ask him any questions about his private life when he takes off on you?.....I thought you were done with this guy...It sounds to me like he's the main reason you drink. Nothing changes if nothing changes Snow Daisy. Time to nip this one in the bud....I'm not a therapist but I can see this relationship is a walking disaster. Come on girl!

Challenged1

Ditto to what Silly said....and you're not alone.

SnowDaisy

Yep, same one. I'm already starting to feel better tonight, thanks to all of you... I'm contemplating just cancelling our weekend plans... this has to stop at some point. And my therapist agrees that he is a catalyst to my drinking. (a catalyst, not the cause - because I still make the choice)

Sapling

You're too good to be in that place SD....There's somebody out there that will make you happy. You deserve that.

Sapling

I agree with that....He's not pouring it down your throat...But it's pretty close.

shooter

Wow - what a prince. Sounds like he really cares for you <NOT>. Life is tough enough already, don't let people crap all over you. Have a Coke and a smile and try to be happy for all the good in your life. If you're sitting in a hotel room on a business trip somewhere you are already better off than 99.9% of the world population. That alone is something to be thankful for.

Thumbs up to you. Thumbs down to him.

katrinka

I would listen to your therapist and dump the bum. It's all about you now and staying sober. Just imagine how wonderful your life can be without this toxic relationship. And get someone to take all the alcohol out of your room!!

artsoul

We can still feel alone in the middle of a relationship, sometimes even more so..... Start believing in yourself again and know that every day sober is a day of growth. That's especially true when it's rough day and we get through it.

When the emotions are really strong, take a dozen deep breaths and just focus on your breathing. Bring your mind back to the present. Give yourself permission to let it all go and NOT think about the past, the future . . . about anything. Right now, in this moment, everything is okay. (repeat as necessary!)