Pigtails

My grandmother is dying. She has been in and out of the hospital and back to her assisted living facility, and then nursing home, off and on since August, when she could no longer live in her own home. But last night she was taken to the hospital for what they think is a blood infection from a bad bedsore. The doctor gave my father some options, including just giving her pain management medication and letting her slip away (she has a feeding tube and oxygen and a cathedar etc.) or trying more aggressive methods to keep her alive for a little longer. My dad chose a compromise and had her sent back to the nursing home and changed her orders to do not resuscitate. If the doctor is right, she'll likely be back in the hospital in a week or less, and at that point my dad will do the pain management option and tell all the relatives, including me, to start making plans to come home. (I live about 2,000 miles away from my hometown/family).

I am surprised at how badly I'm taking this. Although she's my only remaining grandparent, we were never particularly close. She has mental issues and is a huge liar, very self-centered and likes to start drama and manipulate her many kids against each other etc. But the last time I saw her while she was well (I did go and see her in her assisted living facility over this past Christmas, but it's like she was a different person of course), she was very sane, and very understanding of some things that were going on in my life. This was before I had stopped drinking, before I even realized I had a problem, and maybe she helped me see it, because she warned (seemingly randomingly?) my sister and I not to drink alcohol because alcoholism was in our blood, that her husband was an alcoholic and that most of her kids are too, including my dad, even though they deny it and drink in secret. (I think sadly she was pretty spot on).

I'm finding it hard to concentrate and I just feel I should go see her one last time. Apparently she's pretty coherent although she's weak and in pain. I just feel like I should be with my family, that maybe they need me or, more likely, I need them. This would involve randomly hopping on a plane and not knowing when I will be back, a week or two at most I hope?, because I'd obviously like to stay for her funeral. Or I could just wait and see what happens, and if necessary just go for her funeral. I have a new-ish business and some responsibilities here, although I work with people and/or have friends that could likely cover for me while I'm gone. So it's not impossible.

I guess I just don't trust my instincts right now and think, am I using this as an excuse to run away?? (I have been having some stress with work and a lot of stress in my relationship). How will this affect my sobriety? Honestly stress and the sadness is a trigger to drink... I just well up with tears and can't concentrate and just want to "escape"... but I don't... and it doesn't feel so bad that I will break down and drink. I'm not sure if being around my family will be more of a trigger or if it will help relax and anchor me. (We have some long-standing issues and there's some drama there that doesn't really involve me anymore, which is part of why I'm so far away).

I just don't know what to do and I keep feeling almost paralyzed in indecision. :-/

Sapling

Im sorry for her condition Pigtails...It doesn't sound like there is much you can do...Besides pray right now....I'll send one myself. Call your family...If you think you should be there.....Go. I can tell you one thing......Drinking sure won't make anything better.....That's about the only thing I'm sure of in my life right now.

Anna

Pigtails, I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother and that her impending death is difficult for you.

Try to be quiet with yourself and listen to your inner voice. It will always lead you to do the right thing. Don't worry too much about the 'shoulds' and try to do what you feel comfortable with.

2granddaughters

Do you have an AA sponsor or F2F recovery friends there pigtails?

And Anna is right... try not to "should" on yourself.

Bob

Dee74

I'm sorry PT.

I think if you feel you want to be there, and people can cover for you at home, go.
I don't think it's running away.

D

Hollyanne

Hi Pigtails,
Sorry about your grandmother.
I lived in NY and my Godfather/ uncle died in Ireland. I was only a few days sober.
I had a similar last visit with him as you did with your gran.
I did not go to the funeral. I had some passport problems (unmanageability, expired passport!).
I weighed up the pros and cons of going to the embassy, paying top dollar for tickets etc. Decided to stay put.
Good decision. He had a huge funeral and I was not needed there. I called his family and spoke to a couple of my cousins instead. You really have to be gentle on yourself in early sobriety.
Maybe that visit was your goodbye?
Sounds like a wonderful way to remember her.
Oh, and forget "shoulds"!
Anne

Pigtails

Thanks everyone.

I do think I should try to get home as soon as possible and stay as long as I can/ as long as is practical under the circumstances. Another issue is that my boyfriend has a DWI trial coming up and I feel like I "should" be here for it, but, I guess not as much as I feel I "should" go see my grandma. And I guess it's not even about the "shoulds" as much as, for some reason, I just feel like it would feel better for me to be there, rather than here.

I do have a sponsor and I just texted her, and I will try to make a meeting tonight that I like to go to. I agree Sapling that drinking won't make it better.

Pigtails

True, either way, that visit from over a year ago is how I will remember her, and was a great goodbye.

My dad just called and said that he will let everyone know when/if the time comes to go out there-- basically when she has to go back to the hospital with the same problem and he will decide to shut off the machines.

I know they don't need me, and maybe I'll be in the way, ha ha. (Although I do think of ways I could help with his many siblings and their kids etc... I feel a lot more "useful" than I used to!). I also know she's probably not even in a condition to comprehend that I'm there or for it mean much. But then I keep thinking it's something that will help me, although I'm not exactly sure how or why. I guess maybe it's because I feel like a complete mess here, I can't concentrate or focus, so why not go home and be with family, is what I keep thinking.

MentalLoop

One of my more recent sober epiphanies has been about older people. This presumption we have that they are past their prime, haven't kept up with times and don't understand the stresses we face is just plain old wrong. Not sure how I came to the realization but I have found more and more that if I assume that a 90 year old has lived a full life and experienced 50 more years than I - that not only can they relate to my tribulations and outlandish thoughts...they have probably experienced it themselves, resolved it in whatever manner they could (good or bad), and can likely guide me on how to approach the situation. That hit home again when I read your post and her warning about drinking. Here you are two thousand miles away, and yet there is a steward of your bloodline who knows exactly what you are going through and can likely relate to everything you will go through. In that, I can understand your sorrow.

You know what is best for you, but if it was me, I would try to get there soon to share whatever cognitive time she has left. Maybe even share with her that you get it now (kind of like Curly in City Slickers - what "it" is). If she passes or not....your sobriety during the family gathering can be your little secret with her. Her parting bond with you...the family secret...the bloodline of alcoholism and your stand against it. Almost sounds like the heroine (sp?) of a good book.

My condolences and profound respect

ML

Hollyanne

Go with your gut.
Not shoulds.
I remember one incident with a little five year-old girl and her dying father in an ICU I worked in.
Everyone was wondering whether she "should" see her father.
I went to the waiting-room and asked her if she would like to see dad.
I explained a little about what it was like, with machines and stuff,
She said she wanted to see him.
I went with her to the door. She wanted to go in the room. Her mum couldn't go in with her as it was just too much for her. I went with the little girl and helped her up onto dad's bed.
She took his hand after giving him a kiss (ignored tubes).
She stayed for a couple of hours.
I have never seen so many adults cry. Tough ICU drs and nurses all crumbled at this scene.
She was an absolute inspiration.
Like with the older generation, we can also learn from kids. They haven't picked up all the silly notions of adults yet!
Sorry, a little off point.
Go with your instinct, what you would like to do.
Anne

DoinThis

I wonder why you'd consider not going. I'd be there in a heart beat. I think you'd regret it if u didn't see her again while she understands. Imagine if u were on your death bed and no one came. I'm an ICU nurse and see that sometimes. There is nothing sadder than someone dying alone because family members 'couldnt cope'. It'd be good for u to be with family also i think. All the best hun

OCDDan

Pigtails,
I'm in a similar situation with my mom, i can't even talk to her because they have her sedated, feeding tube, catheter, respirator, etc. So it is frustrating to say the least. I would at speak with your Dad again because he knows her condition and can help you decide when and if to go, if you go too soon, you might have to leave before the funeral, if you wait too long, you may not be able to talk to her again, talk with your dad.

Hollyanne

OCDDan,
She can still hear you.
In fact, the nicest thing you can do for your mother is sit in her room and talk away to someone and let her hear the familiar voices.

OCDDan

Thanks Hollyanne,
Very nice of you to say, but in all fairness to Pigtails, I'll start another thread.. (i did bring her hearing aid batteries to the hospital tho)

Pigtails

Thanks everyone. I have decided to go home and now it's just planning the when and how. I was talking to my dad and he said her condition is not improving. That basically the machines are keeping her alive but it would be a miracle if she was to get into a better state. She is basically curled up like a fetus because of swelling and lack of oxygen and blood pressure problems... however she can still mumble/is pretty coherent of people and who they are etc., and winks at him a lot. He was thinking I shouldn't see her like this, that it is depressing and sad and might make me feel worse. But I feel I should go talk to her while I still can, for her sake and mine.

Everything in my life feels pretty overwhelming right now. I've had this business arrangement that has not been going great but I was staying in it for the money while I thought of what else to do, without actually doing it. Basically I knew I needed a change but I wasn't making it. Technically I have my own business but I've being doing contract work for another professional. Well just today he pretty much told me to work for him full-time or not at all (which he's told me before, but, once I said okay it was nice working with you, good luck, he back-tracked and said we could go back to the original agreement, but then he changed it... anyway I'd been thinking of leaving this arrangement for quite some time and now it looks like I'm being forced to, which is a good thing and I feel overwhelming relief! However the timing is horrible because we are entangled in projects so it would be quite inconvenient (on him, and a bit stressful on me, but keeping up the arrangement has also been stressful) for me to just go home and leave him to do all the disentangling.

However I feel that my biggest responsibility is to myself and my family and this is kind of a sign that I should just get away from this stressful situation with work and go see my family. If he can't make it for a week or two without me then he shouldn't always be telling me he needs to get rid of my services if I don't want to work for him full-time (by that he means do everything for him but let him take almost all the profits... no thanks!), and he shouldn't have told me today to basically leave so that he can have someone work full-time, when the understanding was that I would be working for myself/my own clients, in addition to him.

Also I have been having a bunch of issues with my boyfriend who has a drinking problem and I am never sure what to do about us. In fact he has a DWI trial next week, for which he might go to jail depending on the result, and one of the reasons I was thinking of waiting to go home is so that I could be here for him for that, but when I think about it, it's like REALLY? I would pick that over seeing my grandma one last time??? No. Yes I would like to be here for him but it's not like things won't go on without me however they are going to go.

I guess my gut is telling me to just be "selfish" and go, even if it leaves some fall-out here. I don't want to regret not going.

Thanks everyone.

Dee74

I'm glad you made a choice based on you PT...I don't see it as a selfish one, fwiw.

D

eJoshua

I've never regretted choosing family over work, but I have on occasion chosen work over family and come to regret it later.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. My great-grandmother died this last summer and the grieving process was a lot different without alcohol. Fortunately, I think I ended up working through my grief a lot faster than I would have if I were drinking.

Hollyanne

Good to hear from you Pigtails.
Have a good trip home.
Sounds like you are making your decision based on the right criteria. You sound like you kind of need the break.
The fellow you were working for sounds like he was trying to manipulate you and gambled and lost. Bet he is kicking himself.
I hope you get a good deal on your flight. Rent a car if you can to give you independence.
Say hello to granny from all your friends around the world.
Anne

Sapling

You have a lot going on in your life Pigtails....A plate full...And you're not drinking. You should be damn proud of that. Have a good trip...Maybe you can catch a meeting there. It sounds to me...Like you're doing the next right thing.

SOBERINNEPA

Best wishes, Pigtails.

When we tally up our lives, you seldom hear anyone say, "I just wish I'd spent more time at the office."

If nothing else, you'll have a chance to connect with your family at an important time. I'm sure you'll be much more than useful.