ABIDEBYLAW

The mother of your child is the typical malicious mother, parental alienator, narcissistic mother, all syndromes she possesses. It is part of her illness. Stay strong and show the world what she is. Do it for your daughter.

headstrong

I have some good news. We were able to come to an agreement on the small claims issue, so I have dismissed it. I will be picking my things up next week. She actually has her head on straight. A little overprotective, but I can respect that.

Neither of us wants to fight, argue, or be enemies in the long run. The custody papers have been filed and we have our first court date. I warned her that this was coming despite the restraining order. She opened up to me the other night on Our Family Wizard (OFW), so I felt safe enough to push the boundaries of said restraining order. She said she is trying to learn to trust me again. She still sees me as I was six months ago since we have had virtually no communications since then. I have done a full 180 in the last six months. It is going to take some time for her to be able to trust again. But I am hopeful now instead of being full of despair.

Since she works every other weekend, I have been begging (demanding at times) her to let me watch our daughter so she didn't have to pay for childcare. I am thrilled to report that I will have my daughter for a full day tomorrow. She agreed to let me have her while she was at work.

Anna

Headstrong, it`s so good to hear that the two of you are beginning to communicate better.

Enjoy your day with your daughter tomorrow. You have a chance to be the Dad you`ve wanted to be.

Mark75

Awesome!!

jobei

Awesome! Your daughter will be so happy. Enjoy your precious time with her!

headstrong

I had an amazing day with my daughter last weekend. It was busy. 45 minute ride to pick her up. Since I was getting her for the whole day, I offered to pick her up at her mom's house. Aunt dropped me off at the nearest gas station, picked up my daughter, then back to pick me up. Then a 45 minute ride home. The same happens at the drop off.

She will be 18 months in two weeks and is so smart. We started teaching her sign language before I had my meltdown. Her mom has continued. I really think it keeps the crying down because she can tell us what she wants. She only knows a few signs like food, milk, please, etc, but it is still cool to be able to communicate with her.

I was told not to expect to get my daughter for the full day every weekend. Well, the day went so well and I told her mom everything that happened, that she offered it to me again this weekend. Her mom and I have been communicating much better and I am thrilled.

The small claims court case was dismissed. We were able to come to an agreement on what was fair. I get my things Saturday with a sheriff escort. It will be an emotional day.

My ex found out about the lawyer. I forewarned her the best I could so it wouldn't be a complete surprise. I think she took it pretty well. I said I didn't want to "one up" her or put her worry about another financial burden. I said that she was correct that I didn't have any right to see my daughter and that scared the hell out of me. I am just trying to get some of those rights back. I said if she chose to represent herself, that nothing would happen that she didn't agree too. I'm trying to do the right thing.

My life has only gotten better since I stopped drinking. I am struggling a bit with AA at the moment with the whole higher power thing. I'm agnostic at best and have used the group and my daughter as my higher power. I have missed several meetings now and can feel myself getting complacent at almost six months sober. I have also been really busy moving into an apartment, going to motorcycle class, and other things things which include seeing my daughter. My favorite meeting is Sunday morning and I am usually in the car on my way to get my daughter during that time now that I am getting to see her more. I either need to find a sponsor who can relate to finding a different kind of higher power and start working the program or find an alternative. I'm still only on step one and have been content up until now. I am very intimidated by steps two and three. I don't know how to approach them.

Payton

What an excellent post...wow.

You say you "only have one year of shame." Your daughter is 11 months...so it appears you've been out of control for most of her life so far. Considering that, if I were her mother, I would definitely not consent to overnight and/or unsupervised visits after only 90 days sobriety.

I don't say this to demean your recovery, but an 11 month old is still a baby and as a mother she will have the instinct and duty to aggressively and conservatively protect the baby above all other priorities and considerations.

I can imagine it pains you terribly that she is growing and changing - I am so sorry. That must be devastating. From what I'm reading though, this pain is not a result of your ex being vindictive or restraining orders being handed out like candy, or whatever, it is more pain brought on by your actions resulting from your addiction. Right? I hope you can find patience and the strength to earn trust and the privilege of your daughter's time and that humility will enable you to understand the fear/hesitation/refusal to allow more time.

(((Sending you lots of compassion and strength)))

headstrong

Considering I put her to bed every night and was responsible enough to watch her every weekend after her mom went back to work (mom works retail so nights and weekends are the norm), I take some offense to that. From June 2011-Nov 2011, I was sober. She was scared because of an incident that happened six months prior (May 2011). She wasn't even living at home for a week prior to her filing the restraining order (Nov 2011). So yes, they are handed out like candy because the courts don't want to take the risk. When the court commissioner granted the original four year injunction without any provision to communicate, see my daughter, or get my things back, that is screwed up and I am still pissed about it. The judge at the de novo hearing three months later had a little better head on her shoulders.

Yes, I made demands and I don't regret it. They eventually turned into requests after level heads prevailed. I got a lawyer to "demand" that I get my rights back. How else is that going to happen? Nobody else is going to stick up for me? Mom was content to play the "victim" card until I pushed her outside of her comfort zone. In doing so, I proved that she could could start to trust again. I do agree that 90 days would have been too soon. I see that now. But if I wouldn't have started back then, I wouldn't be where I am today. I can't wait for another wonderful day with my daughter

Payton

Sorry to offend - that's what I read the history your situation to be as it was described in bits and pieces throughout the thread. I hope you can come to a mutual & peaceful agreement with the family in the struggle for your child and continue with success in your recovery.

jobei

As someone that has seen the ugly side of custody battles as a child and an adult I agree that sticking up for your rights as a parent is important. The system works for those who work it correctly. Unfortunately there are indeed so many deadbeats that the courts have no choice but to do what they do. Keep at it and stay sober... without that you won't be able to be a good father.

headstrong

Just an update. Things have been going well lately. The ex and I have been communicating. I got my first supervised overnight on July 3rd. It went well and I have been offered an overnight every weekend since. So she is slowly starting to trust me again after eight months.

We had our first custody hearing on Tueday. I was the one that got a lawyer and pushed the issue. She never saught child support. But since I have been giving it, she had no reason to. My lawyer said she had nothing to gain by going to court. Anyway, we came to an agreement prior to walking into the courtroom. No mediation, no guardian ad litem will be involved. I will start getting unsupervised visits every other weekend in September. The restraining order is being amended to no violent contact and the ability to make the exchange in a public place. I am happy with the comprimise, but still feel like crap for having to go through this to begin with. I am getting the right to first refusal as well. The agreement also stipulates absolute sobriety at all times, not just when I have my daughter. No big deal. So things are on the up and up as long as I maintain my sobriety. My ex is coming around and I am getting to spend more and more time with my daughter.

jobei

Well done man! Giving the child support without being "forced" to is a big one... glad that you did that! Your situation is almost identical to mine. It's tough dealing with the court but also necessary in many ways. They key to remember is that you're not a deadbeat like the system wants you to be... you ARE different in that aspect. I know for sure if I was drinking there would just be problems and chaos and I would be a weaker man for it. It's like trying to get around France with a map of England!

So keep being a good dad and DON'T DRINK... that's my plan! Peace xx!

Anna

I'm really glad to hear that this is working for you and your family.

soberbrooke

I got a God Box and put in all of my problems, wishes and prayers into it. I dated each one and allowed God to fix them. I took my will out of my life completely. It sounds to me like you are still trying to use your will in this. Trust in God's Will and you will get wonderful results.
I have 7 months, and we have children, and I am allowing things to just unfold the way that God intended them to. I have not gone to court or anything like that either, but if I have to I will. I don't want my children to suffer, but they are older than yours. Keep up the good work and how much of your will is involved?? Using my will is what screwed me up in the first place.